Author Archives: Gary Davenport

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The problem of time management shows up as the number one problem men are concerned about in many surveys conducted..we usually just can’t find enough time to accomplish all the things we should do and would like to do. But we have the same number of minutes in a day that others have, don’t we? So it can’t be minutes or days.

The problem is less a ‘tips and techniques’ problem than it is a strategic problem. It’s as clear as understanding God’s purpose for our life, living by Biblical priorities, and making plans which reflect God’s will for our lives. God always provides enough time to accomplish His plans! Effectiveness is doing the right job right!

Some steps which can help us:

• I tell God what I am going to do
• God responds
• I beg God to let me do it anyway
• I humble myself and listen
• God makes it clear what He is going to do.

 (Prov 16:1)  “The plans of the heart belong to man, But the answer of the tongue is from the LORD.”

(Prov 16:3-4)  “Commit your works to the LORD, And your plans will be established. {4} The LORD has made everything for its own purpose, Even the wicked for the day of evil.”

(Prov 19:21)  “Many are the plans in a man’s heart, But the counsel of the LORD, it will stand.”

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1. Become soft and tender with the person.

“A gentle answer turns away wrath” (Proverbs 15). When a person speaks tenderly with another, the tone literally halts the actions of others. This kind of action shows care and concern—sometimes softness alone can melt an anger-hardened heart.

2.     Understand, as much as possible, what the other person has endured.

We must seek to see another point of view.  If can walk a mile in their shoes, it helps us to gain a perspective which can open doors instead of close them.

3.     Admit the person has been wounded and admit any wrong in provoking the hurt.

Some of the most difficult words we can express are those words “I am sorry” or “I made a mistake in the way I handled that situation.” A survey confirms that teens know how hard it must be: their number one complaint in a recent survey about their parents could be summed up in five words: “They never say I’m sorry.”

Sometimes we may not think we’re wrong, but our attitude may be. Or we may have acted offensively. If my spirit is critical and angry when I tell my child about a legitimate problem, I’m still wrong.

James 1:20: “….for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.”

Proverbs 30:33: “For the churning of milk produces butter, And pressing the nose brings forth blood; So the churning of anger produces strife.”

4.     Touch the person gently.

When people handle themselves properly, with love and patience and kindness, the physical and emotional distance can be bridged quickly.

5.     Seek forgiveness – and wait for a response.

Try to elicit a positive response from the person before you turn away; but if you need to, start with the first loving attitude of being soft and work your way back to forgiveness. Remember, too, don’t just respond to your loved one’s words. If you’ve deeply hurt someone, that person may verbally retaliate to hurt you.

William Stafford: “Individuals or whole peoples can gnaw on old grievances, remembering them again and again, renewing them obsessively until the shape of memory and desire is permanently warped along the lines of anger.”

Dr. Gary Smalley, in addition to listing honor as the number one need in our homes today, also suggests that forgotten, unresolved anger is the number one poison – the one thing that is causing more divorce than anything else.

Whether we agree with that assessment or not, we certainly can agree that we simply must learn to deal more effectively with the anger we have in order to have the peaceful homes we need, desire, and deserve.

We think it’s forgotten, or that it has disappeared…yet it comes to life again because anger is usually ‘buried alive’ and it keeps on growing. It is made up of hurt, frustration, and fear. We should not welcome unresolved anger, because that allows it to linger and settle in, bringing harm not only to ourselves but also to those around us.

Anger has three deadly results:

1.     Anger creates distance

Anger almost always creates an unhealthy distance between the parties involved. Do you want to stay or run away from angry people? People are not comfortable being in the presence of any angry person; they won’t want to interact with you; the won’t want you in their room.

If you are married to an angry man or woman, he or she will usually try to create distance between you. You may want to get close, but the offended one will pull away. Angry people refute closeness. Improve the relationship, and they will sabotage it. Call it black – they will call it white, just to keep you at arm’s length.

We each have to face out past and check the level of our own anger. We can stop what sometimes becomes a generational pull (we find ourselves acting like our parents!) of ruined relationships by taking responsibility for reducing the level of anger within ourselves.

2.     Anger pushes us into darkness

Ephesians 4:26-27: “BE ANGRY, AND yet DO NOT SIN; do not let the sun go down on your anger, {27} and do not give the devil an opportunity.”

Have you ever found yourself awake in the middle of the night in a hotel room – and you can’t find a light switch? You need to answer the telephone, turn down the air conditioner, or locate the bathroom, but you find yourself groping in inky darkness – walking into a table, knocking the clock off the nightstand, banging your shin on a chair or tripping over the shoes you left on the floor.

Unresolved anger does that in our lives. It rips away our perspective and throws us into chaos. We don’t know where we are. We can’t think logically. We don’t realize what we’re doing to ourselves and those we love. As we blindly lurch and stumble, our families become candidates for serious, possibly permanently, injuries of the heart.

Is it surprising that if unresolved anger puts us at a distance from each other that it might have the identical effect upon our relationship with God?! There is usually a certain correlation between anger and faith; it seems that the greater a person’s unresolved anger, the more difficulty that person has in developing a meaningful spiritual life.

Walking consistently in darkness prevents us from being sensitive or loving toward others. It also kills any interest we have in studying God’s Word and lays any desire to pray into the deep freeze. Further, it robs us of any desire to please and honor Him or to experience His joy, contentment, and peace.

When Satan secures a foothold in a life, it’s no laughing matter. Deception and chaos come through the door with him. Unbelievable pain and destruction follow. Anger trickles into the emotional heart of a relationship, chilling feelings of warmth or attachment. No wonder Paul said:

3.     Anger ties us into knots

Like few other emotions, anger restricts and binds us, tying us into internal knows. Forgiveness, on the other hand, sets us free from those bonds, untying the knots that hold us captive.

The Lord Jesus gives us a powerful word picture of forgiveness: Forgive, and you will be forgiven” (Luke 6:37). The word used here in the original language literally means to “release fully, to unbind or to let go.” It is the only time in the New Testament that this word is translated “forgiven.” It is usually found to be “release” or “free.” (see John 11:44).

The Anger Inventory

To take the inventory, simply rate each statement below, on a scale from 0 (very low) to 10 (very high), for how much it applies to you.

___ 1. I have frequently recurring minor problems.

___ 2. I tend to have difficulty remaining close to people. Others have even said I am “cold.”

___ 3. I continually fail to see the pitfalls in business deals.

___ 4. I have little interest in religious matters.

___ 5. I have many doubts about the existence of God

___ 6. I tend to see religious people as “a bunch of hypocrites.”

___ 7. I tend to be judgmental or overly critical of people.

___ 8. I have a general inability to see my own shortcomings.

___ 9. My image is very important to me. What I wear and drive are big concerns.

___ 10. I often struggle with feelings of low self-value.

___ 11. I often fail to see that my words or actions hurt the feelings of others.

___ 12. My parents divorced before I turned eighteen.

___ 13. I think one or both of my parents drank too much alcohol.

___ 14. My parents seemed addicted to drugs or other substances.

___ 15. My parents abused me.

___ 16. My parents seemed too distant or neglectful to me.

___ 17. I felt that my parents were too controlling of me.

___ 18. I often struggle with feelings of discouragement or depression.

___ 19. I seem to be at odds with several people for long periods of time.

___ 20. I tend to be overly controlling of my mate, children, or friends.

___ 21. I have general feelings of anxiety; I can’t put my finger on what it is that I’m uneasy about.

___ 22. I have sometimes thought about suicide.

___ 23. I have had a hard time forgiving others when they hurt or frustrate me.

___ 24. I have a hard time confronting others when they hurt me, and I know that I’m not that good at getting my anger out.

___ 25. I find myself overly busy most of the time.

___ 26. I find it easier to blame others than to take responsibility for my mistakes.

___ 27. I often overreact to what others say or do to me.

___ 28. I feel I am motivated far too often by fear of failure.

___ 29. I often wish people who have hurt me could be punished somehow.

___ 30. I frequently think that I’ve been cheated out of important areas of life.

___ 31. I get into fights with others that sometimes result in physical aggression, such as throwing things, slapping, or hitting.

___ 32. I don’t really trust anyone other than myself.

• Now add up the 32 numbers – your waiting…….My total score: _______
• If your total score is more than 100, there is some help for you offered in available books. If your score is more than 200, see a counselor.

RULES FOR BRINGING DOWN A CHILD
1. Let him have plenty of money to spend as he likes.
2. Permit him to choose his companions without restraint or guidance.
3. Let him spend Sunday hours on the street or with companions with low ideals as to the Lord’s day.
4. Allow him to go out at night as he pleases and return when he gets ready.
5. Make no inquiry as to where and with whom he spends his leisure time.
6. Teach him to expect pay for all help at home and for all services to others.
7. Allow him to think that good manners are a good substitute for good morals.
8. Do not trouble to interest him in the Bible or to win him to Christ.
9. Let him see that you think church attendance is not important.
10. Never let him hear you pray, especially not for his salvation.

TEN SELECTED RULES FOR BRINGING UP A CHILD
1. Make home the brightest and most attractive place you can.
2. Make him responsible for helping in some daily duties at home.
3. Never punish him in anger, nor to relieve your own feelings, but only in love and for disobedience.
4. Do not ridicule his ideas; talk frankly on matters in which he is interested.
5. Encourage him to invite friends to your home and table.
6. Impress upon his mind the fact that service and honesty are more important than making money.
7. Live Christ before him so that you will be able to talk Christ to him.
8. Let him see your enjoyment and profit from Bible reading and prayer.
9. Set an example in faithful church attendance and interest in the work.
10. Be much in prayer for his salvation and spiritual growth.

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In Man in the Mirror, Patrick Morley tells of a group of fishermen who landed in a secluded bay in Alaska and had a great day fishing for salmon. But when they returned to their sea plane, they found it aground because of the fluctuating tides. They waited until the next morning for the tides to comes in, but when they took off, they only got a few feet into the air before crashing back into the sea. Being aground the day before had punctured one of the pontoons, and it had filled up with water.

The sea plane slowly began to sink. The passengers, three men and a 12-year-old son of one of the men, prayed and then jumped into the icy cold waters to swim to shore. The riptide was strong, but two of the men reached the shore exhausted. They looked back, and saw the father with his arms around his son being swept out to sea.

The boy had not been strong enough to make it. The father was a strong swimmer, but he had chosen to die with his son rather than to live without him.

Every object of God’s creation has special needs of its own and, in every case, God has provided a method for satisfying those needs.

Human beings have their special needs. Some of these needs are elementary in nature and are easily satisfied. Man needs oxygen, so God created him with lungs which automatically draw oxygen into the body and make it usable for body needs.

Some needs of humans require more effort on man’s part for their satisfaction. For example, man needs water and may have to drill a well in order to find it. He needs food and in order to have sufficient amounts of food he may have to plant, cultivate and harvest vegetables from a garden.

Humans also have spiritual needs and they cannot be provided by automatic responses of the body or by any other entirely physical effort. These spiritual needs have to do with man’s personality, disposition, relation to other humans and his relation to God.

But, as in every case, God has provided a source of satisfaction for these needs. In this case, the source is the home. The home is God’s instrument for satisfying the basic needs of human beings!

Insofar as the needs of children are concerned, parents are the primary providers. Someone has suggested that since God is a spirit and cannot be physically present in all places, he provided every child with a mother and a father to see that his/her needs are satisfied.

1. Children need the security of a stable home life.
Children need to have a firm ground under their feet for proper development. Any parent knows that newborn babies are terribly frightened of falling. And when the baby is frightened by any sudden movement, the best way to calm him is to pick him up and hold him very firmly. This need lasts for a lifetime!

Children need the security that comes from the knowledge that mother and father love each other very much. Quarreling between a child’s parents is like an earthquake which threatens to take away his firm footing.

A child is very sensitive to tension and hostility. Make him grow up in an atmosphere charged with discord and he will be insecure for the rest of his life.

A child also needs to know that he is loved by his parents. There is no way to know how many scores of children are unwanted. Sometimes you hear of a baby who was abandoned by parents who didn’t want him. There is a sense in which this abandoned child is better off than an unwanted child who is kept by his parents and tolerated but not loved!

2. Children need the confidence of their parents.
Children want to be trusted and, in most cases, they will be trustworthy if given the chance to prove them-selves. Teenagers are especially sensitive to a lack of trust by their parents/teachers.
Some parents are constantly questioning their children and indicating that they expect the worst from them. Keep up those suspicious looks and questions and your child will probably decide that it isn’t worth the effort to try to win your confidence and will live up to your lesser expectations!

You should let him/her know that he has your confidence and then he will likely live up to it.

3. Children need the companionship of their parents
Not all the gifts of money and “things” in the world can make up for the failure to give one’s self. A great many “good” men and women have utterly failed as parents because they withheld themselves from their children. Trying so hard to provide a good living and some of the “little extras that we never had,” they lost their children.

One of the saddest stories in the Bible is of Samuel and his sons. They were anything but godly, though Samuel was a true man of God. Why? Because Samuel spent so much time with the “congregation and its problems” that he lost his own family!

4. Children need instruction from their parents.
Children get their information from various sources and, on the basis of the information they are given, they build a life.

We trust our public and private schools to give a general education to our children, and these schools are doing an adequate job (depending upon who you talk to). But there are at least two special areas of instruction where parents have a particular responsibility–sex and religion.

These two areas are the most difficult of all in many ways. Because they are so difficult, some parents simply side-step their responsibility and leave their children to pick up whatever information they may be able to come by on their own.

Because much has already been said about the need for Biblical training on the part of the parents in other lessons, we’ll spend our time here on the subject of sex education.

Some ‘do’s and don’t regarding sex education
· Don’t make your own feelings of shame the basis of instruction
· Don’t avoid warnings about masturbation, homosexual activity and social diseases. Avoid minute details and horror films.
· Don’t think “a young man must have his fling”
· Don’t try to prevent adolescents from becoming interested in the opposite sex
· Don’t try to make cold beings out of young people by being mostly negative
· Don’t accept supersitious beliefs about sex yourself
· Don’t expect to solve all of the child’s problems by sex instruction
· Don’t fail to warn children against persons who use smutty language, tell filthy stories, or who become too familiar in their conduct. Avoid them!
· Don’t treat sex sins as unforgivable

5. Children need to learn to obey.
There is more significance to this than meets the eye. But suffice it to say that Paul commands children in this crucial area: Ephesians 6:1: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.”

The self-discipline which comes by obedience to commands by wise parents is in complete harmony with the will of God, and the common sense of it is clearly seen in the affairs of men.

The first six or seven years of life upon this life can virtually determine eternal destiny! Young children can be taught basic principles and attitudes. They include respect, obedience, and cooperation.

6. Children need the love and fear of God.
Proverbs 14:27: “The fear of the LORD is a fountain of life, turning a man from the snares of death.”

The child needs to know how much God loves them and how He sent His only begotten Son for their sin. This fear is not trembling, but better called respect.

7. Children need examples from their parents.
What you are will mean more to your children than what you say. To really be an effective parent, saying and being will have to be consistent with each other.

8. Children need discipline.
Solomon wrote: Prov. 23:13: “Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die.”

Discipline isn’t always spanking! The word has as its root to “teach.” Our reducing the word to mean only punishment is a great disservice to it.

God’s word is clear on this subject:
Genesis 18:19: “For I have chosen him, so that he will direct his children and his household after him to keep the way of the LORD by doing what is right and just, so that the LORD will bring about for Abraham what he has promised him.”

Heb. 12:9-11: “Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! {10} Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. {11} No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”

Anything we can say or any fair method which can be used to teach children proper rules of behavior should be used.

All that we do in this area must be done in fairness. Fairness within the family circle is catching to children. Partiality has long been a cause of family strife and complexes of inferiority and superiority in children that harm and rule their lives. Jacob and Esau and his brethern stand as eternal examples of the inevitable strife generated by parental partiality.

9. Children need recognition of their achievements.
Parents are quick to notice and long in remembering the mistakes and failures of their children. Fortunate is the child whose parent is as delighted with his successes and achievements as he is disappointed with his failures. We all must have praise and appreciation.
10. Children need to be given responsibility.
The Bible says, in Lamentations 3:27: “It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young.”

That simply means that it is wise for parents to teach children a sense of responsibility. This is one reason why giving an allowance to children is an effective teaching device. They also need to have some jobs which are part of being in the family and also learn the importance of keeping one’s promises or to finish an assigned task, etc.

11. Children need to be given a measure of freedom.
Some boys and girls are literally smothered by over-protective parents! Some mothers insist on driving their 12-to-13 year old boys to a Scout meeting and sitting there the whole time until the meeting is over,
watching everything that goes on. They are afraid for them to ride a bicycle or go with a group of their church friends.

While it is important that we use good common sense and check out the places and people they are spending time with, we must also realize that we don’t want weak and timid teenagers who can’t stand on their own two feet! They must be encouraged to try new things. They need to use their imaginations. They need some privacy and freedom. And what better place to have our children when they are in environments where there is proper control and chaperones.

12. Children need unconditional love.
A parent is very foolish indeed who says, “now if you want me to love you, you mind me.” Life is insecure enough without the threat of love being denied within the boundaries of our own family! Children need to
feel their parents’ love through demonstration. They need to be told and shown that they are loved.

13. Children must have the opportunity to grow.
The child must grow mentally, physically, spiritually, and socially. When we grow in favor with God, we are developing spiritually. When we grow in favor with man, we are becoming well adjusted in society.