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A Guiding Principle in the Issue of Love Luke 7:36–50: “A person who is forgiven little shows only little love”


The present passage contrasts the attitudes of a sinful but repentant woman and the selfforgiveness-righteous. It needs to be studied carefully, for self-righteousness is a serious sin. It is both common and damning.

Simon, a Pharisee, invited Jesus to dinner. Note several things. Simon invited Jesus to his house, but he did not extend to Jesus the common courtesies (Luke 7:44-46). He was rude to the Lord. He was not even sure Jesus was a prophet, much less the Messiah (Luke 7:39).

Why then did he invite Jesus to his house? We do not know; nothing is said as to why. The best speculation is that Simon enjoyed the company of celebrities, and he had heard so much about Jesus that he wanted to meet and talk with Him on an informal and friendly basis.

Jesus ate with both sinners and religionists (Pharisees) (Luke 5:29-30). No one was excluded from His attention or love, even when they lacked the common everyday courtesies and respect (Luke 7:44-46). He sought every man.

The house of Simon was a house of the rich. The rich always had an open courtyard, usually in the center of the house; that is, the house was built around an open courtyard. Sometimes the host would allow the public to stand around in the courtyard and listen to the discussions, in particular when a rabbi or some celebrity was the chief guest.

Notice the attitude of the repentant. The woman was a sinner, a prostitute. She demonstrated what a sinner has to do in coming to Jesus.

She sensed a desperate need. She was either convicted of her sin while hearing Jesus or else she had heard Him before and came under heavy conviction. His plea for men and women to repent and prepare for the Kingdom of God pierced her heart. She knew she was a sinner: unclean, lost, condemned. The guilt and weight of her sin was more than she could bear. She ached for forgiveness and cleansing, for freedom and liberty.

She approached the Lord despite all. She knew that the public scorned and gossiped about her, and the so-called decent people wanted nothing to do with her. What would Jesus do—He who said, “Come unto me all ye that labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest….” (Matthew 11:28-30)?

She knew that if she was recognized, the Pharisee might throw her out of the house. He knew about her (Luke 7:39). She thought about the situation, and her thinking turned into hope, and her hope into belief. Surely He who offered such an invitation would receive her.

Before anyone could stop her, she rushed to Jesus and stood behind Him at His feet. (Remember, in the East people reclined to eat. They rested on their left arm facing each other around the table with their body and feet extending out away from the table.)

She surrendered to the Lord in utter humility. Standing there, she was overcome with conviction and emotion. She fell at Jesus’ feet weeping—so broken that tears just flowed from her eyes. She unwound her hair and wiped and kissed Jesus’ feet. Seldom has such love and devotion been shown Jesus.

There was only one thing that could make a prostitute enter a Pharisee’s home—desperation. She was gripped with a sense of lostness, of helplessness, of urgency.

The loosening of her hair to wipe Jesus’ feet was forbidden of women in public. She must have been so desperate she was totally oblivious to the onlookers. The point is this: she was surrendering her heart and life to the Lord, begging Him to forgive her. She was so broken she was unable to speak, but Jesus knew her heart. Words were not necessary (Luke 7:47-48).

She loved much, giving her most precious possession. Perfume was highly valued by women of that day. Apparently, by describing the perfume as he does, Luke is stressing the expense of the perfume and the great sacrifice she was making. It was probably the most costly possession she had, so she was giving it to her Lord. However, there is something more important here. Note what she did with the perfume. She anointed her Lord; anointed His feet in a supreme act of humility and love and surrender.

The behavior of the self-righteous man revealed several things.

     1. The man was considerate, but self-righteous. Note, he only thought these things; he would not say them publicly lest he embarrass his guests. (How like the self-righteous!)

     2. The man considered himself better. He felt he was better than the sinful woman, so he would never allow her to touch him. He would keep his distance, ignore, and have nothing to do with her. But note something else. He considered his judgment and knowledge, opinions and behavior to be better than others. He expected others (Jesus) to judge and act as he did. He thought that if Jesus only knew who the lady was, then He would reject her.

     3. The man sensed no need for forgiveness and repentance. He thought of himself as good enough in two areas.

a. He was good enough in religion. Note he was a Pharisee, a man who had given his life to practice religion. If anyone was ever good enough, he should have been.

b. He was good enough in behavior. He was well behaved, decent and moral, just and equitable, respected and highly esteemed. He was not immoral; in fact, he would have nothing to do with immorality. He had not and never would commit a sin that would be publicly condemned. Therefore, he felt as though he had done nothing for which he needed forgiveness.

Jesus told a parable about two debtors. Note several things that say much to the self-righteous.

     1. Jesus announced that He had something to say, something critically important. Undivided attention was needed. Every self-righteous person needs to listen and listen closely.

     2. Jesus was a prophet and more—He was the Son of God; therefore, He not only knew the people who were sitting around Him, He knew their every thought. Note that from this point on, Jesus was answering the thoughts of Simon. Simon had never said a word about Jesus not knowing who the woman was nor about his own question about Jesus being a prophet. Simon had only been thinking these thoughts “within himself” (Luke 7:39).

Jesus is the Son of God; therefore, what a man thinks pales into insignificance when facing the One who knows all thoughts, including what one really thinks and feels within. Jesus knows the truth of every thought and feeling within a man. If a person is self-righteous, Jesus knows it. If a person is repentant, truly repentant, Jesus knows it. No one hides anything, no feeling, no thought from Him.

     3. The meaning of the parable is strikingly clear. A glance at the verses and points in the outline show this. Note how clearly the parable illustrates the grace of God in freely forgiving sin (salvation) (cp. Ephes. 1:7; Ephes. 2:8-9; John 2:1-2).

What was the overwhelming need of the self-righteous? To really see Jesus, who the repentant say He is. Note what Jesus asked Simon, “Seest thou this woman, this repentant?” The repentant had much to teach the self-righteous about Jesus. The repentant really sees Jesus, who He really is.

     1. Jesus was the One who deserved more than common courtesies. The host usually showed respect by providing water for the guests to wash their dusty, sandaled feet. The kiss was the accepted greeting among friends, and oil was usually given for honored guests to refresh themselves after travelling under the hot sun. It was expensive, so it was usually reserved for honored guests.

a. Jesus deserved more than common respect (water); He deserved a worshipful respect. He was seen as Lord and was respected as Lord by the repentant. He was the One who alone could meet the needs of the human heart; therefore, He was the One who was to be worshipped. The self-righteous needed to learn this.

b. Jesus deserved more than a common greeting; He deserved a humble, brokenhearted greeting. He was approached with a sense of unworthiness and humility. The repentant saw the worthiness of Jesus and grasped something of His awesome person as the Son of God and as the sovereign Lord of the universe; therefore, He was the One to whom all men owed their allegiance, the One who alone had the power to forgive and accept men. The repentant saw Jesus as the One who alone could help her, the One who alone had the power to help, so the repentant approached Jesus and greeted Him with a deep sense of humility and unworthiness. The self-righteous needed to learn this.

c. Jesus deserved more than a common gift; He deserved a sacrificial gift. He was seen as the hope and Savior of one’s life, so the repentant gave Jesus her life, all she was and had. The repentant surrendered her life and gave the most precious gift she had to anoint her Lord. The self-righteous needed to learn this.

     2. Jesus was the One who had the power to forgive sins. Three simple facts are imporant here.

a. The woman’s sins were many. Jesus did not overlook her sins, nor the seriousness of them. After all it was her sins and the sins of others that brought about His humiliation, His having to come to this sinful world and to die for the sins of men. However, He forgave her sins despite their awfulness. Every sinner should note this carefully.

b. Self-righteousness sensed the need for little forgiveness; therefore, the self-righteous loved little. The self-righteous had only a formal, distant relationship with God. His relationship was cold, having only a small sense of sin and sensing only a little need for forgiveness. It was enough to have Jesus present at his table (the table was about the only place many acknowledged His presence).

The self-righteous approach to God…

  • has only a little sense of sin; therefore senses only a little need for forgiveness.
  • is blinded to man’s state of sin, to man’s true being, that of being short of God’s glory (Romans 3:23).
  • has little sense of the need for special mercy and grace, is blinded to God’s Sovereign Majesty and Person.
  • has only a formal, distant relationship with God, has little personal relationship with God.
  • gives little honor to God, makes little sacrifice for God.

c. Jesus forgave sin. He had the power to forgive the sins of this repentant.

     3. Jesus was the One whom people needed to ask about.

     4. Jesus was the One who did save the repentant. The woman believed Christ to be the Savior, the One who could forgive her sins. Therefore, Christ saved her.

 
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Posted by on March 29, 2018 in Forgiveness

 

A good leader: one who has followers


It’s those stately geese I find especially impressive. Winging their way to a warmer climate, they often cover thousands of miles before reaching their destination. Have you ever studied why they fly as they do? It is fascinating to read what has been discovered about their flight pattern as well as their in-flight habits.

Four come to mind.

1. Those in front rotate their leadership. When one lead goose gets tired, it changes places with one in the wing of the V-formation and another flies point.

2. By flying as they do, the members of the flock create an upward air current for one another. Each flap of the wings literally creates an uplift for the bird immediately following. One author states that by flying in a V-formation, the whole flock gets 71 percent greater flying range than if each goose flew on its own.

 manager-leader3. When one goose gets sick or wounded, two fall out of formation with it and follow it down to help and protect it. They stay with the struggler until it’s able to fly again.

4. The geese in the rear of the formation are the ones who do the honking. I suppose it’s their way of announcing that they’re following and that all is well. For sure, the repeated honks encourage those in front to stay at it.

As I think about all this, one lesson stands out above all others: it is the natural instinct of geese to work together. Whether it’s rotating, flapping, helping, or simply honking, the flock is in it together…which enables them to accomplish what they set out to do.

A Good Leader

Leadership is the ability to put the plans into practice, and to accomplish the specified objectives through the skillful management of people, time, and tangible resources. A good leader is one who is able to motivate people; one who is capable of making good decisions, even under pressure or in conditions of uncertainty; one who can guide people through actions as well as words.

A Leader Is…

Peter Drucker, perhaps the most noted authority on leadership in the 20th century, says: A leader is one who has followers. An effective leader is not someone who is loved or admired. He is someone whose followers do the right thing. Popularity is not leadership, results are. Leaders are highly visible. They, therefore, set examples. Leadership is not rank or privileges, titles or money. Leadership is responsibility.

Advice

  • Caution to newly promoted executives—remember what the mamma whale told the baby whale: “When you get to the top and      start letting off steam, that’s the time you’re most apt to be harpooned.”
  • A football coach gave this advice on how to deal with failures. “When you’re about to be run out of town, get out in front      and make it look like you’re heading a parade.”

Advice from Ross Perot

Advice from Ross Perot about how to treat your people: “Never ask anyone to do what you haven’t done before and wouldn’t do again. That’s a pretty fundamental rule in leadership…treat them like you treat yourself. Things you don’t like, they don’t like. You don’t like to be jerked around, they don’t either. You don’t like to be talked down to, and they don’t either. You would rather work with somebody than for somebody. So would they. You hate people who pound on your head after you gave everything you had and failed… It’s that simple.”

Authority

The concept of authority as something that causes another person to “do what you want him to do” is reflected in most definitions. For instance, the Random House Dictionary of the English Language speaks of authority as “a power or right to direct the actions or thoughts of others. Authority is a power or right, usually because of rank or office, to issue commands and to punish for violations.” Again the root idea seems to be control or direction of the actions of others.

We see this same idea even in sophisticated examinations of authority. For instance, William Oncken, Jr., in a 1970 Colorado Institute of Technology Journal, gives an analysis of authority that suggests it is comprised of four elements:

1. The Authority of Competence: the more competent the other fellow knows you are, the more confident he will be that you know what you are talking about and the more likely he will be to follow your orders, requests, or suggestions. He will think of you as an authority in the matter under consideration and will feel it risky to ignore your wishes.

2. The Authority of Position: This component gives you the right to tell someone, “Do it or else.” It has teeth. “The boss wants it” is a bugle call that can snap many an office or shop into action.

3. The Authority of Personality: The easier it is for the other fellow to talk to you, to listen to you, or to work with you, the easier he will find it to respond to your wishes.

4. The Authority of Character: This component is your “credit rating” with other people as to your integrity, reliability, honesty, loyalty, sincerity, personal morals, and ethics. Obviously you will get more and better from a man who has respect for your character than from one who hasn’t.

 

 
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Posted by on March 26, 2018 in Church, Encouragement

 

Our Life Together: One Another Series – A Mustard Seed People


This chapter records the events of a crisis day in the ministry of Jesus Christ. He knew that the growing opposition of the religious leaders would lead to His crucifixion. This fact He had to explain to His disciples. But their logical question would be, “What will happen to the kingdom about which we have been preaching?” That question is answered in this series of parables. So, He first explained the truth concerning the kingdom, and then later explained to them the facts about the Cross.

repentanceOur Lord’s use of parables puzzled the disciples. He had used some parables in His teaching already, but on that day He gave a series of seven interrelated parables, then added an eighth. The word parable means “to cast alongside.” It is a story, or comparison, that is put alongside something else to help make the lesson clear. Why did Jesus teach in parables? Two reasons were given: because of the sluggishness of the people (Matt. 13:10-17) and because it was prophesied in Psalm 78:2 (Matt. 13:34-35).

Jesus did not teach in parables to confuse or condemn the people. Rather, He sought to excite their interest and arouse their curiosity. These parables would give light to those with trusting, searching hearts. But they would bring darkness to the unconcerned and unrepentant.

But these are not ordinary parables; Jesus called them “the mysteries of the kingdom of heaven” (Matt. 13:11). In the New Testament, a “mystery” is a spiritual truth understood only by divine revelation. It is a “sacred secret” known only to those “on the inside” who learn from the Lord and obey Him.

Read Matthew 13:24-30.  The pictures in this parable would be clear and familiar to a Palestinian audience. Tares were one of the curses against which a farmer had to labor.  They were a weed called bearded darnel.  In their early stages the tares so closely resembled the wheat that it was impossible to distinguish the one from the other.  When both had headed out it was easy to distinguish them; but by that time their roots were so intertwined that the tares could not be weeded out without tearing the wheat out with them.

Thomson in The Land and the Book tells how he saw the tares in the Wady Hamam:  “The grain is just in the proper stage of development to illustrate the parable.  In those parts where the grain has headed out, the tares (bearded darnel) have done the same, and there a child cannot mistake them for wheat or barley; but when both are less developed, the closest scrutiny will often fail to detect them.  I cannot do it at all with any confidence.  Even the farmers, who in this country generally weed their fields, do not attempt to separate the one from the other.  They would not only mistake good grain for them, but very commonly the roots of the two are so intertwined that it is impossible to separate them without plucking up both.  Both, therefore, must be left to grow together until the time of harvest.”

The wheat and tares could not be safely separated when both were growing, but in the end they had to be separated, because the grain of the bearded darnel is slightly poisonous.  It causes dizziness and sickness and is narcotic in its effects, and even a small amount has a bitter and unpleasant taste.  In the end it was usually separated by hand.  So then the darnel in its early stages was indistinguishable from the wheat, but in the end it had to be laboriously separated from it, or the consequences were serious.

The picture of a man deliberately sowing darnel in someone else’s field is by no means only imagination.  That was actually sometimes done.  To this day in India one of the direst threats which a man can make to his enemy is “I will sow bad seed in your field.”  And in codified Roman law this crime is forbidden and its punishment laid down.

(i)  It teaches us that there is always a hostile power in the world, seeking and waiting to destroy the good seed.  Our experience is that both kinds of influence act upon our lives, the influence which helps the seed of the word to flourish and to grow, and the influence which seeks to destroy the good seed before it can produce fruit at all.  The lesson is that we must be forever on our guard.

(ii)  It teaches us how hard it is to distinguish between those who are in the Kingdom and those who are not.  A man may appear to be good and may in fact be bad; and a man may appear to be bad and may yet be good.  Only God knows the heart. We are much too quick to classify people and label them good or bad without knowing all the facts

Jesus is telling us that His community will always be a mixed community; the church will always have its sinners and hypocrites. Only at the harvest will the final separation take place. The church will always be a mixture of the “good and the bad” and it is God who will be responsible for making the final separation.

 (iii)  It teaches us not to be so quick with our judgments.  If the reapers had had their way, they would have tried to tear out the darnel and they would have torn out the wheat as well.  Judgment had to wait until the harvest came.  A man in the end will be judged, not by any single act or stage in his life, but by his whole life.  A man may make a great mistake, and then redeem himself and, by the grace of God, atone for it by making the rest of life a lovely thing.  A man may live an honorable life and then in the end wreck it all by a sudden collapse into sin.  No one who sees only part of a thing can judge the whole; and no one who knows only part of a man’s life can judge the whole man.

 
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Posted by on March 22, 2018 in Our Life Together

 

Positive Commands: The Means—A Focus on Attitudes


The positive One Another passages in Scripture express the means and the methods for living as members of the body of Christ and as brethren together in the family of God. These passages also focus on two things: attitudes and actions. Since attitudes form the soil and the root out of which actions grow, we will look at those One Another injunctions that focus on attitudes, particularly those that enable us to obey the One Another commands.

Attitudes can be like cobwebs which clutter up the mind and cause us to fail in the purposes of God. Or they can be like an interstate highway to an automobile, smoothing the way to our destination. Chuck Swindoll writes:

This may shock you, but I believe the single most significant decision I can make on a day-to-day basis is my choice of attitude. It is more important than my past, my education, my bankroll, my successes or failures, fame or pain, what other people think of me or say about me, my circumstances, or my position. Attitude is that ‘single string’ that keeps me going or cripples my progress. It alone fuels my fire or assaults my hope. When my attitudes are right, there’s no barrier too high, no valley too deep, no dream too extreme, no challenge too great for me.[1]

Because attitudes are so important, Scripture has a great deal to say about our thinking processes which produce our attitudes and which in turn produce our actions. Proverbs 23:6-7 shows that a man who is thinking selfishly will invariably act in hypocrisy.

Do not eat the bread of a selfish man, Or desire his delicacies; For as he thinks within himself, so he is. He says to you, “Eat and drink!” But his heart is not with you.

Matthew 12:33-37 shows what we say is but the product of how and what we think and believe. Scripture teaches that wicked behavior is the product of a wicked and deceitful heart (Jer. 17:5; Matt. 23:26). “First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean.” The problem is “stinking thinking,” thinking that is lacking divine viewpoint and faith in the power and purposes of God.

To grasp this concept, it is helpful to divide sin into two categories:

(1) Visible acts of transgression against the commands and principles of Scripture, and

(2) Inward acts of transgression, sins of the mind and attitude which would include subtle violations of our Lord’s command to love.

We tend to deal only with the first category or if we deal with the second, it is superficial. Larry Crabb in his book, Inside Out, gives us a good illustration:

“Are you willing to follow Christ?” The hundreds of teenagers shift uncomfortably in their seats as they hear the speaker boom out the challenge at the morning meeting.

“He invites you to come to Him, to really come, to come in total surrender. If you’re sick and tired of playing at Christianity, then take His invitation seriously and come. Get your drugs, your porno magazines, your rock tapes—get everything that defiles you—and bring it all tonight to the rally. We’ll have a great burning of all these tools of the Devil to symbolize your decision to follow Christ.”

That night, dozens of kids, with eyes moist and jaws firmly set, dump their marijuana, Penthouses and Bon Jovi tapes in a pile outside the meeting room. As the fire roars, they all join hands and sing, “I have decided to follow Jesus.”

As a teen, I took part in similar happenings, making strong commitments as I stared into the dying campfire to never miss devotions and to witness every day. But although good spiritual directions were sometimes set in these moments, the promises I made on the mountaintop often dissolved into complacency when I returned to the valley of everyday life. Something inside me that needed to be dealt with was never touched.[2]

The focus is too often all wrong: I have no argument with exhorting people to abandon clearly sinful practices and to develop good habits … But a sharp focus on visible conformity to specific standards of right and wrong can easily lead to a disastrous neglect of subtle sins against relationship.[3]

Verses that Focus on Attitudes

Command 1: Have the Same Mind With One Another

The believer is commanded in Scripture to have a different mind, to develop a biblical viewpoint, and possess a Christlike attitude in all things.

Romans 12:16 Be of the same mind toward one another; do not be haughty in mind, but associate with the lowly. Do not be wise in your own estimation.

Romans 15:5 Now may the God who gives perseverance and encouragement grant you to be of the same mind with one another according to Christ Jesus;

William Law wrote nearly two centuries ago, “Man needs to be saved from his own wisdom as much as from his own righteousness, for they produce one and the same corruption.”[4]

(1) Having the same mind means knowing and understanding Scripture.

From the Word of God we need the infusion of God’s thoughts which are infinitely higher than ours (Isa. 55:8-11). Then, in faith we need to apply His truth as we depend on the indwelling Spirit. The need is to think with the same kind of viewpoint, to possess the same kind of attitudes toward life and one another. We need to have the mind of Christ, to think with His values, to possess His vision, and to allow that to change our attitudes which in turn will change our actions and pursuits.

1 Peter 3:8 To sum up, let all be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit;

The term “harmonious” is literally, “of one mind, likeminded,” (homophron, oJmovfrwn). The actions of being brotherly, kindhearted, and humble all stem from having one mind, thinking with the mind of Christ.

Acts 1:14 These all with one mind were continually devoting themselves to prayer, along with the women, and Mary the mother of Jesus, and with His brothers.

Acts 2:46 And day by day continuing with one mind in the temple, and breaking bread from house to house, they were taking their meals together with gladness and sincerity of heart,

Acts 4:24 And when they heard this, they lifted their voices to God with one accord and said, “O Lord, it is Thou who didst make the heaven and the earth and the sea, and all that is in them, …”

Acts 5:12 And at the hands of the apostles many signs and wonders were taking place among the people; and they were all with one accord in Solomon’s portico.

In each of the above verses “with one mind” or “one accord” is homothumadon (oJmoqumadovn), from homos, “one” and thumos, “passion.”

Romans 12:16 Be of the same mind toward one another; do not be haughty in mind, but associate with the lowly. Do not be wise in your own estimation.

Romans 15:5 Now may the God who gives perseverance and encouragement grant you to be of the same mind with one another according to Christ Jesus;

In these two passages in Romans, the verb is phroneo (fronevw), which means first, “to have understanding” and then “to think, be minded in a certain way.”

In all of the above verses we see that the positive actions of the body of Christ are tied into possessing the same mind (or mental attitude) which formed the dynamic for its ministry in the world. For your own study compare also: Philippians 1:27; 2:3-5; 1 Corinthians 1:10; 2:16; 2 Corinthians 10:4-5; 13:11; Romans 12:2; 1 Peter 1:13; 4:1.

(2) Having the same mind means thinking with the Word.

To have the mind of Christ means to think with the Word of God, to live, not by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God (the Scripture), so that we bring our thoughts and actions into harmony with God’s viewpoint by applying God’s thoughts to everything we do and to everything that happens to us.

To experience God and the joys of His plan and purposes for man, man must know His Word.

Isaiah 55:8-11 “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Neither are your ways My ways,” declares the LORD. 9 “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts. 10 For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven, And do not return there without watering the earth, And making it bear and sprout, And furnishing seed to the sower and bread to the eater; 11 So shall My word be which goes forth from My mouth; It shall not return to Me empty, Without accomplishing what I desire, And without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it.”

The Devil sought to get the Lord to live independently of His Father at the beginning of His ministry. Jesus not only countered each time with Scripture, but He quoted Deuteronomy 8:3 to show how vital God’s whole council is to our ability to handle temptation and sin.

Matthew 4:3-4 And the tempter came and said to Him, “If You are the Son of God, command that these stones become bread.” 4 But He answered and said, “It is written, ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God.’”

(3) Having the same mind means regular renewal in the Word

It requires biblical truth for its development and maintenance, daily renewing of the mind.

Romans 12:2 And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.

Ephesians 4:23 and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind,

It requires conquering thought patterns by focusing on principles and promises of the Word.

2 Corinthians 10:4-5 for the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but divinely powerful for the destruction of fortresses. 5 We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ,

 1 Peter 1:13 Therefore, gird your minds for action, keep sober in spirit, fix your hope completely on the grace to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

(4) Having the same mind means possessing an attitude of joy

We develop an attitude of joy through biblical vision for and submission to the calling and purposes of God (Prov. 29:18; John 13:3-4; Heb. 12:1-4; Phil. 4:4-8). In Philippians 4:8 we see again an emphasis on our mind and our attitudes. They can be kept free from bitterness, blame, self-pity, and hopeless pessimism if we cast our cares on the Lord and trust in His sovereignty. By getting rid of the stuff that chokes out God’s viewpoint, we create space for hope and joy to take its place.

(5) Having the same mind means an attitude of humility

An attitude of humility expresses itself in servant living. Humility prepares the way for sacrificial love which puts the needs of others above self (Mark 10:45; John 13:4; Phil. 2:3f; 1 Pet. 5:5; Rom. 12:10, 16b; Gal. 5:13). Humility is never self-depreciating. Rather it is the recognition of who we are by God’s grace and leads to the use of our abilities in loving service for others. Humility allows us to take the position of John 13.

Religion and religious striving are far too often egocentric and, though this can be purified and brought into the service of God and others through the Word, too often true religion is corrupted and nullified by cravings and striving for power and security—the opposite of submission, humility, and trust.

In Crabb’s book, Inside Out, he talks about the problems of self-protection and our motives: “The sin of self-protection to which I refer occurs when our legitimate thirst for receiving love creates a demand to not be hurt that overrides a commitment to lovingly involve ourself with others.”[5]

(6) Having the same mind means an attitude of loving family affection

Romans 12:10 Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor;

Christ became one with us that he might feel for us in our humanity. Likewise, as brethren in Christ, God wants us to become more and more devoted to one another so that we place the needs of others above ourselves. Romans 12:10 means we are to love one another with a family affection as brothers in Christ (cf. Heb. 2:11-18 with Rom. 12:10).

Conclusion

We cannot impart to others what we do not ourselves possess! Our relationship with one another always manifests the reality of our life with the Lord and the condition of our thinking and attitudes!

Often, the prayer that’s most in accord with God’s Word is not, Lord change my wife, or children, or church leadership,” but “Lord, change me!

The big question is not simply, is Christianity true? There is plenty of historical evidence that it is. The basic question is, what difference is it making in my life and the way I think and believe? This is what the world looks for in our lives as the evidence of reality, and that’s what the church needs in its relationships with one another.

The all important ingredient is our focus and an attitude of trust in the Lord. One of the best illustrations I know of the importance of keeping a focused and right attitude is found in the book by Chuck Swindoll, Strengthening Your Grip:

“The colorful, nineteenth-century showman and gifted violinist Nicolo Paganini was standing before a packed house, playing through a difficult piece of music. A full orchestra surrounded him with magnificent support. Suddenly one string on his violin snapped and hung gloriously down from his instrument. Beads of perspiration popped out on his forehead. He frowned but continued to play, improvising beautifully.

“To the conductor’s surprise, a second string broke. And shortly thereafter, a third. Now there were three limp strings dangling from Paganini’s violin as the master performer completed the difficult composition on the one remaining string. The audience jumped to its feet and in good Italian fashion, filled the hall with shouts and screams, “Bravo! Bravo!” As the applause died down, the violinist asked the people to sit back down. Even though they knew there was no way they could expect an encore, they quietly sank back into their seats.

“He held the violin high for everyone to see. He nodded at the conductor to begin the encore and then he turned back to the crowd, and with a twinkle in his eye, he smiled and shouted, ‘Paganini … and one string!’ After that he placed the single-stringed Stradivarius beneath his chin and played the final piece on one string as the audience (and the conductor) shook their heads in silent amazement. ‘Paganini … and one string!’[6] (And, I might add, an attitude of fortitude.)

Swindoll goes on to say:

“This may shock you, but I believe the single most significant decision I can make on a day-do-day basis is my choice of attitude. … Attitude is that ‘single string’ that keeps me going or cripples my progress. … When my attitudes are right, there’s no barrier too high, no valley too deep, no dream too extreme, no challenge too great for me.

“Yet, we must admit that we spend more of our time concentrating and fretting over the strings that snap, dangle, and pop—the things that can’t be changed—than we do giving attention to the one that remains, our choice of attitude.” [7] 

For the Christian, however, we are not talking about just a positive attitude. We are talking about an attitude that comes from a heart focused on God and that trusts in Him.

——————

[1] Charles R. Swindoll, Strengthening Your Grip, Word Books, Waco, TX, 1982, p. 207.

[2] Larry Crabb, Inside Out, NavPress, Colorado Springs, CO, 1988, p. 113.

[3] Crabb, p. 115.

[4] Martin and Deidre Bobgan, Psycho Heresy, EastGate Publishers, Santa Barbara, CA, 1987, p. 7.

[5] Ibid., p. 117.

[6] Swindoll, Strengthening Your Grip, Word Books, Waco, TX, 1982, pp. 205-206.

[7] Ibid., p. 207.

 
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Posted by on March 19, 2018 in Sermon

 

Our Life Together: One Another Series – Commands of Scripture: Foundations and Motivations


Repeatedly the New Testament exhorts us to care for one another as fellow members of the body of Christ. In fact, the Lord Jesus desires all believers to be functioning effectively as a partner/members of His body, the church.

Paul has an important word for us on this very important matter in Ephesians 4:15-16: But speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him, who is the head, even Christ, from whom the whole body, being fitted and held together by that which every joint supplies, according to the proper working of each individual part, causes the growth of the body for the building up of itself in love.

This One Another care is to be an outworking of our fellowship with other believers, but we seem to have lost sight of what the Bible means when it speaks of fellowship. Too often when Christians think of fellowship they think in terms of what goes on in that room in the church called “fellowship hall.” Since fellowship is a very important part of caring for one another this study will begin by answering the question—what is meant by fellowship in the New Testament?

And they were continually devoting themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer (Acts 2:42, emphasis mine).

A study of two word groups used for fellowship in the Greek New Testament, koinos (koinov), koinonia (koinwnia), koinonos (koinwov), etc., and metochos (metocov), metoche (metoch), express four related and essential elements that describe what fellowship involves: relationship, partnership, companionship, and stewardship.[1] The meaning of these two word groups can be boiled down to two main ideas:

(1) “To share together, take part together” in the sense of participation and partnership, and

(2) “To share with” in the sense of giving to or receiving from others, sharing what we have with one another.

Since fellowship is so important and forms an essential foundation for understanding the ministry we are to have with one another, let’s look at these four main concepts of New Testament fellowship.

Fellowship Means Relationship

In the New Testament what is shared in common is shared first of all because of a common relationship that all Christians share together in Christ. Koinonia (koinwnia) was an impor­tant word to both John and Paul, but it was never used in merely a secular sense. It always had a spiritual orientation, a spiritual base, and a spiritual purpose.

The idea of an earthly fellowship founded upon just common interests, or human nature, or physical ties like in a family, or purely physical church affiliation, or merely self-centered interests that sport enthusiasts might share together was completely foreign to the Apostles.

In the New Testament, believers can have fellowship on a horizon­tal plane and share together because they first of all have a vertical relationship with God through His Son, the Lord Jesus, and because they can share together in Christ’s life and hold His purposes in common (cf. 1 Cor. 1:9 with vs. 10f, then see 1 John 1:3). Interestingly, the NEB translates 1 John 1:3 as, “what we have seen and heard we declare to you, so that you and we together may share in a common life, that life which we share with the Father and with His Son Jesus Christ.”

Principles:

(1) New Testament fellowship is first a sharing together in a common life, the life of the Savior, with other believers through relationship with God and His Son, the Lord Jesus Christ.

(2) Fellowship is, therefore, first and foremost a relationship, rather than an activity. Any activity that follows is to flow out of this relationship. Here is the common ground, the core and the heart beat of all Christian fellowship that is truly biblical.

(3) This means that fellowship occurs in two spheres or levels—the vertical and the horizontal—and each supports and promotes the other.

Fellowship Means Partnership

Both word groups could also mean to share together in the sense of a partnership. As sharers together of the person and life of Jesus Christ, we are automatically copartners in His enterprise here on earth. If we are truly sharing in His life through the Word and the ministry of the Holy Spirit, we will also share in His concerns, goals, priorities, and leadership.

The idea of partnership is easily illustrated in the use of both of these word groups, koinonos and metachos in Luke 5:7, 10.

Luke 5:7 and they signaled to their partners (metchos, mevtoco”) in the other boat, for them to come and help them. And they came, and filled both of the boats, so that they began to sink.

Luke 5:10 and so also James and John, sons of Zebedee, who were partners (koinos, koinwnov”) with Simon. And Jesus said to Simon, “Do not fear, from now on you will be catching men.”

NOTE THIS COMPARISON: RELATIONSHIP VS. PARTNERSHIP

(1) The word “relationship” describes what we are: A community of people bound together by our common life and blessings that we share together through our relationship with Christ.

(2) The word “partnership” describes how we are related to each other in that relationship: We are partners in an enterprise and calling in which we are to work together in a common purpose to obtain common objectives for the glory of God and the gospel of Jesus Christ (cf. Phil 1:27).

Fellowship Means Companionship, Communion

Definition of Companionship:

Companionship is the interchange or the communication (communion) that exists among companions, those associated together through a relationship they hold in common. So, what’s the key ingredient to companionship? Communication. Key words would include ideas like interchange, communion, sharing.

Definition of Communication:

Communication is the interchange or the sharing of concepts, feelings, ideas, information, needs, burdens, etc., through words or other symbols like body language and actions so that all members of the relationship can share and thus minister to each other as they have opportunity and are sensitive to the needs of one another.

In the Christian community, fellowship means learning to communicate on a spiritual level through a mutual sharing of the things of Christ by means of the Word, the Spirit-controlled life, and the ministries and gifts of the various members of the body of Christ.

But what’s the purpose of this? To promote a fuller appreciation of Christ and His sufficiency for our lives, whatever life brings, through mirroring and ministering Him to one another.

What does companionship through communication include? Well, remember, there are two spheres of planes of fellowship. So it would include:

  • The Vertical—our communion and fellowship with the Lord through the Word, prayer, and the filling of the Holy Spirit, the abiding life.
  • The Horizontal—our communion and fellowship with the body of Christ, with other believers.

Our horizontal fellowship includes at least three things:

(1) Obviously, it must first include assembling ourselves together: (a) Assembly of the whole body (Acts. 2:42; Heb. 10:25). (b) Assembling in smaller groups (2 Tim. 2:2). (c) Meeting together one on one (1 Thess. 5:11).

(2) Sharing and communicating together. But what are some of the ways we can do this?

(a) Sharing truth with one another, sharing with others what God has taught us with a view to building others up (Rom. 1:11-12; 2 Tim. 2:2; 1 Thess 5:11; Philemon 6).

(b) Sharing together in the company of others the various aspects of worship as (1) the Lord’s supper (communion) (1 Cor. 10:16); (2) the singing of hymns, psalms, and spiritual songs (Eph. 5:19; Col. 3:16); (3) prayer (1 Cor. 14:16-17); (4) the ministry of the Word (Acts 20:20; 2 Tim. 2:2; 1 Pet. 4:10-11).

(c) Sharing together as partners in the needs, burdens, concerns, joys, and blessings for the purpose of encouragement, comfort, challenge or exhortation, praise, prayer, and physical help according to needs and ability (cf. Phil. 1:5 with 1:15; cf. also Phil. 1:27 with 2:4; 4:3; finally note Rom. 12:15; and 1 Thess. 5:11, 14, 15; Heb. 10:33).

This means we must develop the loving art of communication for the purpose of ministry, encouragement, and edification. It means: (a) The willingness to share our own hurts, burdens, and aspirations. (b) The willingness to really hear what others are saying so we may minister to needs according to the directives of the Word. (c) Above all, it means developing a very definite motivation, the motivation of words that are acceptable in God’s sight and that edify others (Ps. 19:14 and Eph. 4:29). Every motivation of our hearts and every word out of our mouths must be consistent with the purpose of building others up. Paul is telling us that we should utter nothing that compromises or interferes with this objective.

Interestingly, Scripture does not tell us what words to say; rather, it tells us what our motivation should be. It is this motivation which, if right, will control our thoughts and then our words.

The ultimate goal here is to build up and enrich others in the things of Christ so they may experience the sufficiency of His life. As the early church was first devoted to the apostles teaching, they were also devoted to sharing with one another of the all-encompassing sufficiency of the Savior and what Christ was meaning to them (Acts. 2:42; Heb. 3:12-14).

Fellowship Means Stewardship

A steward is one who manages the property of another. He is not an owner, he is only a manager. All that we have in reality belongs to God (Ps. 50:10-11; 104:24-25; Dan. 2:38), and it is required of stewards that they be found faithful to the stewardship entrusted to them (1 Cor. 4:1-2).

This stewardship includes five general areas: time, talents (spiritual gifts), temple (our bodies as the very dwelling place of the Spirit [1 Cor. 6:19]), God’s truth, and our treasures (our earthly goods).

As stewards we must recognize that all we have belongs to the Lord and has been given to us as trusts from God to invest for His purposes. We have the privilege and responsibility to invest every aspect of our lives, including of course our material possessions for the work of promoting the gospel and helping others in need. But good stewardship stems from recognizing that our relation­ship to Jesus Christ also means our partnership with Christ in His enterprise on earth.

In any good partnership, the partners share equally in all aspects of the partnership:

  1. the privileges and responsibilities,
  2. the assets and liabilities,
  3. the blessings and burdens.

What kind of partnership would it be if one partner took all the income and enjoyed all the privileges of the partnership and the other partner did all the work and paid all the bills? Would you enter a partnership like that? No, probably not! Partners are to share and share alike in all the aspects of their enterprise. A good example is what we see in Luke 5:7-10. The partners may not do the same things. They usually work and share according to their abilities, expertise, and training, but they still share the load.

It is interesting that one of the most prominent uses of the koinonia group of words is its use in connection with sharing material blessings: giving money to meet financial needs. In 36 uses of these word groups, 9 times they are used specifically in connection with giving and in a couple of other passages giving would be included among other aspects of fellowship or working together as partners in the stewardship of all we are (Acts 2:42 and Phil. 1:5; Heb. 10:33).

Some specific passages where giving is in view are:

  1. Koinoneo, koinonew—Rom. 12:13; 15:27; Gal. 6:6; Phil. 4:15
  2. Koinonia, koinwnia—Rom. 15:26; 2 Cor. 8:4; 9:13; Heb. 13:16
  3. Koinonikos, koinwniko”—1 Tim. 6:18
  4. Metecho, metevcw—1 Cor. 9:10, note context in vss. 9-14

What does all this mean? It means that as partners in Christ’s enterprise on earth, we each need to share and invest all aspects of our stewardship with others in the realization that we are not owners, only stewards of what God has entrusted (not given, but entrusted) to each of us.

The following verses stress this with all aspects of our stewardship:

  1. Time—Eph. 5:16; Ps. 90:12; 39:4-6
  2. Truth—1 Cor. 4:1; 9:17; 1 Tim. 4:6f; 6:20; 2 Tim. 1:14; Rom. 3:2; 1 Thess. 2:4
  3. Talents or Spiritual Gifts—1 Pet. 4:10-11
  4. Treasures—1 Tim. 6:18-19; Matt. 6:19-21; 2 Cor. 8:3-4, 7-8; 9:6-15
  5. Temple—1 Cor. 6:19

Returning to the subject of the One Another injunctions of Scripture, the big question is, “How do we have the kind of fellowship that encourages, edifies, and serves one another?”

To focus our attention to the One Another concept, the Holy Spirit used a special Greek word, a reciprocal pronoun, allelon (allelwn) meaning “one another.” The term “reciprocal” means “mutual, shared, shown or felt alike by both sides; united in feelings, actions, responsibilities, and attitudes.” Reciprocal implies a return in due measure by each side in the matter discussed. This reciprocal pronoun is frequently used in statements and injunctions to Christians regarding the responsibilities that believers are to engage in for the mutual help and blessing of one another. The frequency of these injunctions point up the importance of this truth to the growth, health, and ministry of the body of Christ.

All together these One Another passages may be grouped together into 18 or more specific categories of responsibility where Christians are to be ministering in the lives of fellow members of the body of Christ. Just a brief look at these passages will quickly reveal two things: (a) the need we each have of the ministry and aid of others, and (b) our responsibility to minister to others.

As members of the body of Christ (Romans 12:5) we are also members of one another. Just as all the members of our bodies (arms, legs, head, etc.) are diverse and consist of many members, so believers are all part of one body with each one being essential. The One Another passages and injunctions remind us:

(1) That no man is an island—no individual believer can function effectively by himself. We need the help and love of other members of the body. We need encouragement, counsel, prayer, or physical help, depending on our particular needs at any given moment.

(2) That every believer is important and essential to the proper function of the church—the body of Christ. While this will vary in one’s life, still, each believer needs help in some way, but also each has something to contribute to the well being, growth, and ministry of the body of Christ.

Foundations and Motivations for the One Another Commands

A study of these One Another passages yield a number of principles that lay the foundation and set forth the reasons why God has given us these exhortations in the New Testament. The following principles speak strongly against our age of independence, loneliness, and insensitivity to others. The tendency is for people to simply do their own thing and go their own way in their search for happiness regardless of the needs of others or upon whom they may trample in the process. Ironically, when we pursue this path, we are searching for happiness in all the wrong places. Indeed, when we do this we have followed the deceptions of the world and Satan; we have placed our trust in the wrong things, worshipping what we think they can give us, rather than resting in God and His plan for our lives (see Matt. 4:8-11). So what constitutes the foundation and motivational reasons for the One Another injunctions of Scripture?

Because We are God’s Children

Ephesians 5:1 Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children;

As will be demonstrated in the following paragraphs, the One Another passages are a commentary on how to love and care for one another in the body of Christ. In Ephesians 5:1, especially when understood in its context that precedes (note the words “Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, …” 4:32), and the context that follows (“walk in love, …” 5:2), the Apostle gives us the greatest of all reasons and the highest standard one can imagine. The “therefore” (oun, oun) introduces the close of the preceding section on Christian behavior, particularly in the realm of that which manifests love for others like forgiveness. There is no gap between 4:32 and 5:1. The “therefore” (oun, oun) may be regarded as synoptic—“in a word.” (NEB)[2]

The Apostle is telling us we are to become in life, in our daily experience, what we are in reality as believers in Christ. We are the children of God through the new birth and as the children of God we are to grow up like our heavenly Father, we are to imitate His character since He is the epitome of love, a love that is kind toward one another, that forgives just as God in Christ has also forgiven us (4:32), and that was demonstrated in the gift of the Lord Jesus, God’s Son who gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma (5:2). Anything short of this is inconsistent with who we are in Christ and the miraculous regenerating work of God. To be unloving as God’s children is an absurdity.

Because We are Brethren

Acts 7:26 And on the following day he appeared to them as they were fighting together, and he tried to reconcile them in peace, saying, ‘Men, you are brethren, why do you injure one another?’

Romans 15:14 And concerning you, my brethren, I myself also am convinced that you yourselves are full of goodness, filled with all knowledge, and able also to admonish one another.

1 Corinthians 16:20 All the brethren greet you. Greet one another with a holy kiss.

Galatians 5:13 For you were called to freedom, brethren; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.

1 Thessalonians 4:9 Now as to the love of the brethren, you have no need for anyone to write to you, for you yourselves are taught by God to love one another;

The New Testament clearly states that faith in Christ results in spiritual regeneration, the new birth, born again by the Spirit of God into the family of God. We become related to God as His spiritual children and to all other believers in Christ as brethren regardless of gender, race, culture, education, or position in society. We become a part of one huge spiritual family. We share the same spiritual Father, the same spiritual blessings, and as a family we should have a special love for one another. The One Another emphasis of the New Testament is closely tied to the fact of our spiritual relationship as brethren.

Brethren should work together, love, and serve one another. This was the point of Moses as recorded in Acts 7:26. Because we are brethren—family—we have a special relationship and should care for one another.

Because We are Members of One Another

Romans 12:5 so we, who are many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another.

1 Corinthians 12:25 that there should be no division in the body, but that the members should have the same care for one another.

Ephesians 4:25 Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth, each one of you, with his neighbor, for we are members of one another.

The New Testament also teaches that when we put our faith in Christ, the Holy Spirit joins us through Spirit baptism into union with Christ and His Spiritual body, the church. To show just how we are related to each other and how we should therefore act toward one another, the New Testament uses the analogy of the human body. The concept of the church as the body of Christ is a recurrent analogy and one rich in meaning.

In the three passages above, this analogy and relationship are used as the basis for various One Another responsibilities. As with the many and varied members of the human body, so we, as believers in Christ, are members of one another and we are to live, think, and act accordingly. We are to act in ways that are consistent with a caring and unified body under one head—Christ. When we think or act otherwise, we both hinder and hurt the proper function of the body. This truth is to be a protection against division.

The One Another actions of the body are the natural and necessary products of being members of one body. These actions promote unity, care of one another, and result in greater effectiveness through diversity and the use of our gifts. The One Another passages of the New Testament are designed to hinder independent individualism, apathy toward other believers, ineffectiveness of the church through idle members, and the spirit of clericalism and “spectatoritis.”

Because We are Taught by God to Love One Another

1 Thessalonians 4:9 Now as to the love of the brethren, you have no need for anyone to write to you, for you yourselves are taught by God to love one another;

Some instructions for Christians come through their brethren in Christ. But other lessons are taught by God to His children directly, things that almost intuitively seem right for a Christian to do. Loving other Christians is such a lesson. Christians quickly learn that there is a real kinship between believers, and they relate to other Christians in a way they do not relate to those outside God’s family. The Thessalonians had already learned to love each other even though they were new Christians. Paul pointed out that God Himself had taught them this.[3]

1 John 4:7 Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God.

The writer now returned to the subject of love which, like faith in God’s Son (v. 13), is a product of the Spirit. As a confession of the incarnate person of Christ marks one off as being actuated by God (i.e., “from God,” verses 4, 6) so does love, since love comes from God. Hence, one who loves (in the Christian sense of that term) has been born of God (cf. 2:29; 3:9; 5:1, 4, 18) and he knows God. Love stems from a regenerate nature and also from fellowship with God which issues in knowing Him (see 2:3-5). The absence of love is evidence that a person does not know God. Significantly, John did not say such a person is not born of God. In the negative statement only the last part of the positive one (in 4:7) is repeated. Since God is love, intimate acquaintance with Him will produce love. Like light (1:5), love is intrinsic to the character and nature of God, and one who is intimately acquainted with God walks in His light (1:7).[4]

1 John 4:12 No one has beheld God at any time; if we love one another, God abides in us, and His love is perfected in us.

Again, the apostle shows that loving one another is a proof of fellowship—the abiding life. In John’s terminology, the words, “God abides in us” refers not to the indwelling presence of God, but to fellowship or the abiding life.

Because God has Loved Us

1 John 4:11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.

Caring for one another is a response to God’s love for us and His purposes through us. Since we have experienced the gift of God’s love and the new life it brings, we ought to love others as the recipients of this new life. Those who have been so touched by God’s grace, ought to love one another as a response of gratitude, but also as a living manifestation of God’s love to others, a visible manifestation of the true but invisible God (cf. 4:12).

Because It’s the Expression and Fulfillment of God’s Word and Will

Romans 13:8 Owe nothing to anyone except to love one another; for he who loves his neighbor has fulfilled the law.

Matthew 22:35-40 And one of them, a lawyer, asked him a question, testing him, 36 “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” 37 And He said to him, “You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. 38 This is the great and foremost commandment. 39 The second is like it, You shall love your neighbor as yourself. 40 On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets.”

Jesus means that no commandment is greater. These two commands stand to the rest of Scripture as source, sum, substance, and goal. This means that the rest of Scripture, like these One Another commands, provide us with a commentary on these two responsibilities setting forth the means, manner, motive, method, and destination of our lives.

Without the reality of these two commands in our lives as both source and course, derivation and destination, obedience to the rest of Scripture will become merely legalistic demands. The legal demands become burdens that we seek to obey to gain points with God and with men, and all our works and ministries naturally become acts of self-love. They are things we do for praise, power, position, or to feel better about ourselves.

Matthew’s account which adds, “on these two commandments depend the whole Law and the prophets” and Paul’s statement, “Owe nothing to anyone except to love one another; for he who loves his neighbor has fulfilled the law,” stress that our ability to enter in and fulfill the rest of Scripture hinges like a door on the reality of these two paramount commands. Without the reality of these two, we will miserably fail to be the people God has called us to be.

(1) The Principle of Source (Internal Controls)

Love for God and our neighbor becomes our source and means of obedience in the other imperatives of Scripture by virtue of internal motives and the inner ability to carry out the commands of God by the power of God’s love operating in us by the ministry of His Spirit (cf. Gal. 5:22; 1 Thess. 4:2-9).

(2) The Principle of Supervision (External Controls)

We need the imperatives, principles, promises, and guidelines of Scripture as a whole to guide us in the wise expression of God’s love so that it does not degenerate into mere sentimentality, self-indulgence, or the compromise of righteousness. The rest of Scripture, like a light in the darkness, gives us the revealed will of God in the expression of how to love. Paul’s prayer for the Philippians in Philippians 1:9-10 reminds us not only of the need of more and more love, but love with spiritual and biblical discernment.

(3) The Principle of Substance and Summary (Controls Defined and Directed)

Love for God and one another is the very essence, heart, goal, and substance of the rest of Scripture. These two commands sum up the rest of God’s commands in His Holy Word.

As a kind of summary of Matthew 22:34f; Mark 12:29-31, and Romans 13:8, please note the following:

(1) This means that the rest of Scripture and the One Another injunctions give us God’s commentary on loving God and loving one another. They provide us with the means, manner, motive and method. The other commands like those against murder, stealing, adultery, etc., are never the end or goal in themselves, but find their meaning and purpose in these two things—love for God and love for others who are made in the image of God (cf. 1 Tim. 1:5).

(2) Morality without the knowledge of God and the absolutes of Scripture cannot long exist. Moral living must be founded on the reality of God, man’s love for God, and the absolutes of the Bible. If this is not the foundation, morality will crumble and with it society.

(3) These passages stress the necessity of a heart relationship with God through the Word of God. Love for others can only grow out of the soil of love for God as it is fed and watered by fellowship with God in His Word. Without this, you and I will end up with a life that is pharisaic (i.e., external, sterile, artificial, petty, critical, selfish, and lifeless). Our actions of love, if we have any, will be full of hypocrisy. Compare Romans 12:9, “Let love be without hypocrisy.”

(4) In these passages we also find the concept of vision. Vision means having God’s Word, and from the insight it brings into one’s life, seeing as God sees and allowing that sight to direct one’s path. Having vision flows out of devotion to God’s person. But to have vision we must start with God’s Word and our relationship with Him.

Because We Want to Glorify Him

1 Peter 4:10-11 As each one has received a special gift, employ it in serving one another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God. 11 Whoever speaks, let him speak, as it were, the utterances of God; whoever serves, let him do so as by the strength which God supplies; so that in all things God may be glorified through Jesus Christ, to whom belongs the glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen.

Here is a wonderful passage that calls us to serve one another as good stewards of the manifold grace of God according to the particular gifts God has given us, whether a service gift or a speaking kind of gift, for both are given to enable us to minister to one another. But the basis and motivation for whatever we do is God’s glory that in all things He may be glorified through the Savior. Only through our new life in Him do we have both the needed spiritual gifts for ministry, and the capacity and strength to live an other-oriented, non-selfish life as epitomized in both the Father’s gift of His Son and the Son’s gift of His own life for us.

With these seven principles as a basis for our thinking and response to God’s grace and purposes, let’s look at some of the One Another injunctions of the New Testament.

The Basic and Primary Commandment:
“Love One Another”

Our Responsibility in Loving One Another

John 15:12, 17 This is My commandment, that you love one another, …  This I command you, that you love one another.

Loving and caring for one another is not an option for the Christian. It is a mandate. It is solid proof of our love for the Lord and our fellowship with Him.

Our Example in Loving One Another

John 13:34 A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another.

John 15:12 This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you.

The Lord provides us with the perfect human example in every way, manner, degree, extent, and purpose. Though being God of very God, He left heaven’s glory and became a servant in the form of humanity, and He went to the cross to bear the shame of our sin and guilt. He did all this with a specific goal in mind—to bring men to God and heal their lives (1 Pet. 2:21).

And so it must be with us. God has left us here to minister.

Our Means and Motive in Loving One Another

Galations 5:13-26 For you were called to freedom, brethren; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. 14 For the whole Law is fulfilled in one word, in the statement, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” 15 But if you bite and devour one another, take care lest you be consumed by one another.

16 But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh. 17 For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the Law. 19 Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immorality, impurity, sensuality, 20 idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, 21 envying, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these, of which I forewarn you just as I have forewarned you that those who practice such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God. 22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. 24 Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.

25 If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit. 26 Let us not become boastful, challenging one another, envying one another.

The One Another commands, as with all the injunctions of Scripture, can only be carried out when we are controlled by the Spirit and thus filled with the love of God. Without the control of the Spirit, we will become indifferent to the needs of other, being dominated by the deeds of the flesh, and we will seek to meet our own needs for significance, praise, applause, or the approbation of men at the expense of others (cf. 1 Tim. 1:5).

Our Objectives in Loving One Another

(1) For a testimony to the world of the reality of God’s love in Christ: John 13:35: “By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.”

(2) For loves continues to increase:

(a) Increase: “and may the Lord cause you to increase and abound in love for one another, and for all men, just as we also do for you” (1 Thess. 3:12); and (b) Intensity and Spiritual Source: “Since you have in obedience to the truth purified your souls for a sincere love of the brethren, fervently love one another from the heart” (1 Pet. 1:22). “Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Pet. 4:8).

(3) For ministry and service to others: Ultimately, ministry and service summarize all the One Another injunctions that follow as expressions of God’s love for others.

Conclusion

God has called us to be a ministering people. Every born again Christian is a believer-priest (a minister by calling) who is to serve in various ways both inside and outside the church. The following are some questions we each need to ask:

(1) Ask God where He wants you to serve Him in ministry to others. The fields are white, the needs are all around us. We need to ask and pray that He will thrust us out as labors into the harvest.

(2) Ask God to burden your heart for the area of ministry He has for you. Note the three-fold work of the Godhead in 1 Corinthians 12:4-6. The word “varieties” used in this passage can also be translated as “distributions” which brings out the sovereign direction of God in our ministries. There is (a) the giving of gifts for ministry by the Holy Spirit (vs. 4), (b) the Lord Jesus’ direction in ministry (vs. 5), and (c) the Father’s blessing and prospering of those ministries (vs. 6).

(3) Ask God to give you a vision for ministry, to make you bold and available. Proverbs 29:18 says, “Where there is no vision, the people are unrestrained, …” Vision ultimately refers to God’s revelation to us as we have it today in the Bible. And it is this book that gives us God’s vision or revelation of His purpose for us in loving and ministering for others for Him here on this earth, but this will only occur when it takes shape in specifics as we find the areas of ministry where God wants to use us.

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[1] See Jerry Bridges discussion of these four in relation to koinonia in his book, True Fellowship, Navpress, Colorado Spirngs, 1985, pp. 16-23.

[2] The Expositor’s Bible Commentary, Frank E. Gaebelein, general editor, Vol. 11, Zondervan, Grand Rapids, 1981,  p. 66.

[3] John F. Walvoord and Roy B. Zuck, The Bible Knowledge Commentary, Scripture Press, Wheaton, IL, 1983, 1985, electronic media, p. 702.

[4] Ibid., pp. 898-99.

 
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Posted by on March 15, 2018 in Our Life Together

 

Our Life Together: One Another Series – The Importance of Fellowship in a New Testament Church


Poor communication has been the plague of mankind ever since the tower of Babel. Such statements as the following reveal that we face problems when trying to communicate to one another: “I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”

Now, God has given us His thoughts in the Bible and explained them carefully, but as time has passed, they have become “greek to us” and we have warped His thoughts and reverted to our own practices concerning His word. One such concept that has been especially warped in its biblical meaning is the concept of Christian fellowship. Today, churches have fellowship halls, fellowship dinners, and fellowship retreats, but very few have real fellowship. Yet for a church that seeks to be guided in principle and practice by the New Testament, fellowship is very important.

This morning, I hope each of you will learn that biblical fellowship is God’s method for the outworking of His will through the church. In order for you to understand this, we will have to discover first, what true fellowship really is, second, why fellowship is important in a New Testament church, and finally, how each one of us can practice fellowship here at Community Bible Chapel.

The Biblical Meaning of Fellowship

As we go back into history and dig deep into the original languages of the Bible, we will discover seven significant facts that help us to understand God’s intended meaning of the word, fellowship.

 

The first fact concerns the meaning of the Greek root. Our English word, “fellowship” is the translation of the Greek word, “koinonia.” This Greek word is derived from the root, “koinos,” which was a prefix in ancient Greek. If you were to add this prefix to words meaning “living,” “owning a purse,” “a dispute,” and “mother,” you would get words meaning “living in community together,” “owning a purse in common,” “a public dispute,” and “having a mother in common.” So we see that the root of the word, “fellowship,” means “to hold something in common.”

 Our second fact relates to the usage of the word, “fellowship.” The Greek word, “koinonia,” was used to describe corporations, labor guilds, partners in a law firm, and the most intimate of marriage relationships. From the usage of the word, we can conclude that fellowship is a word denoting a relationship that is dependent on more than one individual. It is an interdependent relationship.
 
A third fact is that “fellowship” was never used to describe man’s relationship to God before the coming of the Holy Spirit to indwell the church. It is an exclusively post-pentecost relationship.
 
A fourth fact about the meaning of “fellowship” can be gleaned by comparing it to its New Testament synonyms. These are words which have overlapping but not the identical meaning of koinonia. The four synonyms of koinonia in the New Testament are philos, which means “related by love for outward characteristics”; hetairos, meaning a sharer in a common enterprise; sunergos, meaning a fellow-worker; and metochos, a participant. Each of these words denotes a unity which is expressed outwardly. This is true of fellowship but by contrast, fellowship is also an inner unity. This inner aspect of fellowship may be seen in verses such as 1 Corinthians 1:9:
God is faithful, through whom you were called into fellowship with His Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.

Here, fellowship primarily focuses on our spiritual unity with Christ, an inner relationship. I suspect that Philemon.6, 2 Corinthians 13:14 and Philippians 2:1 also emphasize the inner relationship which is at the root of fellowship.

Fifth, however, we must note that fellowship does not stop with being an inner unity for it is primarily an action word! Koinonia is used nineteen times in the New Testament and in addition to being translated as “fellowship” it is also translated by the words, “contribution,” “sharing,” and “participation.” A close study of the usage of this word shows that action is always included in its meaning. Fellowship, you see, is not just being together, it is doing together! This is a point almost universally ignored by Christian groups today.

Our sixth observation concerning the meaning of “fellowship” is that it is a unique relationship with Christ. We have a relationship of being “in Christ.” We also have a relationship of being “a part of Christ’s body.” Fellowship is neither. It is not “being in” or “being part” but it is “doing with” Christ. It is our partnership with Christ in fulfilling God’s will.

Our final observation may be gleaned from the last and it is this: that fellowship is not just doing anything together. It is only doing God’s will together. Quite obviously, our fellowship with others is only as good as our fellowship with Christ, our unity. And we can only participate with Him in doing God’s will, for that is all He ever does!

For this reason we must quit thinking of Christian fellowship as primarily doing things such as having pot luck dinners or watching football or playing basketball with other believers. These have their place but they are only fellowship to the extent that rest, exercise, and eating are doing the work of the Lord. Fellowship involves actively doing God’s will. The things we usually think of as fellowship are certainly not the primary meaning of the word!

The Biblical Definition of Fellowship

Now, with these seven observations, we should be able to give a biblical definition to the word, “fellowship.” We can say that: “Fellowship is a relationship of inner unity among believers that expresses itself in outer co-participation with Christ and one another in accomplishing God’s will on earth.”

So, we have seen that fellowship in its New Testament sense is an inner unity expressed outwardly. It is not just being together but doing together. It is not just doing anything together but it is working together to accomplish God’s will. Now we must ask, “Why is it so important to the church?”
I think we shall see as we continue that:

Fellowship Is God’s Way of Accomplishing His Plan of Glorifying Christ

  1. The importance of fellowship to the church can be seen first in the fact that fellowship occurred naturally as a result of the establishment of the church.

Nobody had to come to the disciples and other new believers on the day of Pentecost and say, “You need to practice fellowship.” The Holy Spirit had come upon these people and formed an inner unity and their natural inclination was to exercise it outwardly. Acts 2:44-47 says this.

And all those who had believed were together, and had all things in common; 45 and they began selling their property and possessions, and were sharing them with all, as anyone might have need. 46 And day by day continuing with one mind in the temple, and breaking bread from house to house, they were taking their meals together with gladness and sincerity of heart, 47 praising God, and having favor with all the people. And the Lord was adding to their number day by day those who were being saved.

This working together to accomplish God’s will continued in the church with the practice of a multiplicity of leadership, diversification of activities, giving to the needy, exercise of different spiritual gifts, support of missionaries, calls to different mission fields, corporate prayer, group worship, and in other ways.

But the importance of fellowship to the church does not rest solely upon the fact that it was the natural result of the coming of the Holy Spirit.

Rather, its primary importance stems from the fact that:

  1. Fellowship is the indispensable means of accomplishing the God-given purpose of the church.

Let’s read together Ephesians 3:8-11.

To me, the very least of all saints, this grace was given, to preach to the Gentiles the unfathomable riches of Christ, 9 and to bring to light what is the administration of the mystery which for ages has been hidden in God, who created all things; 10 in order that the manifold wisdom of God might now be made known through the church to the rulers and the authorities in the heavenly places. 11 This was in accordance with the eternal purpose which He carried out in Christ Jesus our Lord, …

We see in this passage that God has an eternal plan. The church has a part in accomplishing that plan. The phrase “through the church” in vs. 10 shows that the church is to be God’s instrument in accomplishing His plan. The purpose of the church as stated in vs. 10 is to show to the world the manifold or in Greek, the many-faceted wisdom of God. So then, the purpose of the church is to hold God up to the world and display every glorious aspect of His being for all to see.

What is important to see here is that no individual working alone could ever fulfill this plan of showing every perfection of God for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. So you see, the very nature of God’s plan necessitates the Godly capacities of many individuals added together to show His perfections to the world. You might say that God’s plan must be compared not to a solo but to a symphony.

Its beauty is impossible to capture in one note no matter how loud. Only by a full orchestra playing together can the beautiful harmony be fully captured. And this is what the Church is, God’s orchestra! In order to fully manifest God, each person must not only play his part but must play it together. So in God’s symphony—His plan, the score is the Bible which reveals His Son, Jesus Christ.

The instruments are our spiritual gifts and natural abilities. And the indispensable means we use to perform is fellowship, our co-participation in accomplishing His purpose. It is only as we work together in this way that it is possible to accomplish God’s plan. This is why fellowship is indispensable to the church.

Of course, some people try to do it all themselves. The movie, “Beau Gueste” is an example of the way some churches function. In the movie, the Arabs are attacking a foreign legion outpost. There are only four legionnaires left alive in the post. But they want the enemy to think they have lots of strength so they propped up the dead bodies of their comrades in the turrets and the four men ran around the walls shooting the dead men’s guns for them. This is the plan of many churches today. They hire a large staff of clergy to prop up the spiritually dead and fire their guns for them. But this will never accomplish God’s plan.

There is another group of people who are church-hoppers and non-participants. They think the church can make it without them. However, 1 Corinthians 12 makes it clear that every single member of the body is necessary for its proper functioning. Because of the importance of fellowship, no one has the right to amputate themselves from the functioning body of Christ, the local church.

So, then, we see that the practice of fellowship, the outward exercise of our inner unity in doing God’s will, is not only natural but indispensable in accomplishing God’s purpose for the church. How, then, can we practice fellowship?

Practicing Fellowship

You can practice Fellowship by recognizing our goal and taking an active part where you can best help.

People must recognize our goal. People often do not take part in a church because they see no clear purpose. As previously discussed, our purpose is to show God’s glory to the world in all the many ways He has instructed us in the Bible. We participate together seven days a week to glorify God, to do it His way, and to do it together.

You can practice fellowship by taking an active part where you can best help with this goal. You can discover where you can best help by recognizing your spiritual gifts and natural abilities and by knowing the needs of our church. Then help where you can make not just yourself, but the church as a whole, to be the most fruitful. If you do not know your spiritual gift, pitch in where you have a natural ability. As you work with others, your gifts will surface and you’ll find places you might function in our church according to your gifts and abilities.

Conclusion
Story of a man who had spent a summer on a pipeline crew. The first day, he was given a shovel and a piece of ground and told to dig six feet deep and three feet wide. By noon, he had dug down over his head and felt all alone at his work. By the middle of the afternoon he was pretty discouraged as he thought of the miles of line still to be dug. Finally, however, about five o’clock, he broke through into the trench the man in front of him was digging. As he cleared away the loose dirt, this man broke through into the next hole, and as they stood and watched, man after man broke through until several hundred feet of ditch was visible and my pastor felt quite a sense of accomplishment.

This is the way fellowship will affect us if we get in and dig together. With the unity of the Holy Spirit and a divine purpose, we must all put our shoulders to the plow until God’s plan is complete.

So let’s pull together. Let everyone practice fellowship as naturally as did those on the day of Pentecost that the many-faceted wisdom of God might be made known through this church.

 
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Posted by on March 12, 2018 in Our Life Together

 

The Mayonnaise Jar


When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day is not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and two cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.  The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous “yes.”

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand.  The students laughed.  “Now,” said the professor, as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life…God, family, children, health, the small stuff.

“If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

So pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. “Take care of the golf balls first — the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. “I’m glad you asked.”  It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.” (Borrowed)

 
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Posted by on March 9, 2018 in Encouragement

 

‘Men of Courage’ Mission Statement and Principles



“Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong.”

— I Corinthians 16:13

The Men of Courage Mission Statement – “Relying on God’s power and spirit to transform men through authenticity, affirmation, and accountability into the men God has called us to be”

Key Principles –  The men’s ministry of the ________________  strives to develop an environment based on three key biblical principles:

Authenticity –  We hope to foster a climate of genuineness and transparency where men can drop their spiritual masks. I Peter 1:6-9 states, “In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.  These have come so that your faith…may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.”

Affirmation – We believe in the importance of a climate of acceptance and encouragement.  John Eldredge’s book Wild at Heart says that every man is haunted by the question “Have I got what it takes when it counts?”  We want to develop an environment in which men can come as they are without fear of rejection.  We’re commanded in Romans 15:7 to “accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.”changing lives

Accountability – We want to cultivate a climate of responsibility, not policing each other but supporting each other through shared struggles.  Secrecy and Isolation are Satan’s greatest tools, and accountability destroys their power.  The Hebrew writer encourages us to maintain accountability.  “See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God.  But encourage one another daily…so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.” Hebrews 3:12-13. Through God’s power, we believe that in a climate of authenticity, affirmation, and accountability, ordinary men can be transformed into Men of Courage.


Men of Courage Breakfast and Bible Study

We’d like to establish a time when we can gather for fellowship and a short Bible study. Breakfast can be served and also we will be encouraged to invite your friends, neighbors, and colleagues.

 Recovery/Support Groups

In an effort to help those men who may be struggling, we’ll also see if we have a need for support groups that can be used to address current issues in our lives.

 
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Posted by on March 5, 2018 in Encouragement

 

Facing change, which “is the nursery of music, joy, life, and eternity”


Mark Twain was both wise and observant…and was “right on” when he said that “the only person who likes change is a wet baby.”

Harry Emerson Fosdick laid it out plainly for us to see and comprehend: “Christians are supposed not merely to endure change, nor even to profit by it, but to cause it.

We might also add: and embrace it!

Change is one of the most threatening things many of us face in life and yet we encounter it every day. The universe itself is changing. Scientists tell us that all ob­served systems are continually changing from order to disor­der, and that every transformation of energy is accompanied by a loss in the availability of energy for future use. In other words, our universe is running down.

Besides that, the world we live in is changing. Highly so­phisticated technical developments have radically altered our lifestyle, and now they threaten our very existence. Ideologi­cal developments have changed the balance of world power and threaten our freedom as a nation. Governments are toppled and new ones established overnight, and sometimes it seems as though revolutions are as common as eating and sleeping. Every day the news reports focus on some new changes occurring in our world.

People change. One day we may be in a good mood, the next day in an ugly mood. And it is disconcerting if we never know what to expect from our wives, our husbands, our parents, or our bosses. Nice people sometimes get irritable and touchy. Fortunately, grouchy people sometimes get nicer.

But we all change. That is the nature of creature hood, and that is the nature of life. We find it unpleasant and intimidating at times. We would rather keep things the way they always were because the old and the familiar are more secure and comfortable, like an old shoe. But shoes wear out and need to be replaced, as does most everything else in life. So we struggle to adjust to change.

We grow and we strive to better ourselves, and that is change. Sometimes our sense of well‑being collapses around us; we lose our health, our loved ones, our money, or our material possessions, and that is change. Our bodies begin to wear out; we can no longer do the things we used to do, and that is change. It is all unsettling and unnerving, but it is inevitable. What can we do about it? Is there anything unchanging that we can hold on to in a world where everything is so tenuous and transitory?

We live in a time of unprecedented discoveries, many of which tend to make life longer and living more comfortable and enjoyable. But with change and progress the inexorable law of change and decay also operates. Strange that so few in this world prepare for the inevitable. [2]

The past, present, and potential difficulties of the future find their ‘rest’ when we realize that if we are to better the future we must disturb the present. [3]

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[1] John Donne (1572–1631)

[2] L. Nelson Bell.  Christianity Today, Vol. 1, reprinted Vol. 40, no. 10.

[3] Catherine Booth in The Life of Catherine Booth (Vol. 2); Christianity Today, Vol. 40, no. 6.

 
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Posted by on February 26, 2018 in Encouragement

 

Marriage Realities School Never Taught You


151459597_640Creating a healthy, happy marriage takes hard work. It doesn’t just happen on its own.  Numerous spouses are surprised by the amount of work it takes to keep a marriage on course. Some believe that if you really love someone, the relationship shouldn’t be work, it should just flow easily. That sounds good, but in reality all meaningful relationships require an on-going investment of time, effort, energy, and commitment.

You don’t get to coast for very long. It seems that when things are going well, you should get to “take a break” from the relationship stuff for awhile. But if you’re not growing and evolving as individuals and as a couple, then your relationship is soon going to suffer. There’s no such thing as standing still and having everything stay the same. You’re either going forwards or you’re going backwards.

Saying “I do” is not the end—it’s the beginning. Some spouses feel that once they are married, they don’t have to extend as much effort into being romantic or nurturing the relationship. But a marital relationship isn’t the end of the road. It’s only the beginning of your opportunity to “grow your marriage” and create a rewarding relationship with your partner.

You’re not going to change your partner after you marry. No matter how many times this statement is written or verbalized, there are many individuals who still believe that their case will be different. Motivation to change is normally the highest before marriage when both partners want to please each other. After marriage, it’s easier to become comfortable and lose motivation to work on self-growth. Females are especially susceptible to this dynamic. Because they often are hooked by the potential that they see in their partner, they’re convinced that they can change him. This usually leads to a rude awakening after marriage.

You can’t give what you don’t already have. You have to be happy and at peace with yourself before you can create a happy, peaceful, harmonious marriage. Marriage won’t make you happy. Only you can do that. If you’re not happy with yourself and your life when you get married, nothing will change significantly afterwards.

Frequent emotional housekeeping is required for intimacy to thrive. It doesn’t take long for a marriage to develop serious problems when emotional debris from unresolved conflicts and issues piles up. This is why good communication is important. Couples who can’t talk about their differences and resolve conflict are at high risk for divorce. Feelings of passion, emotional intimacy, and heartfelt connection are all dependent on good communication.

The words you say are important, so pick them carefully. You can’t expect the spouse you called a “witch” or “fool” at 8:00 p.m. to be thrilled at the thought of sex with you at 9:00 p.m. By the words you use in your interactions with your partner, you impact how your spouse feels about you. Harsh, unkind words fuel anger, resentment, and bitterness. Kind words build rapport, respect, and caring. The words you use to yourself and others when talking about your spouse and your marriage are also important. When you devalue someone or something verbally, it affects your feelings and perceptions. Negativity spreads like a virus.

Just because you dislike your partner intensely at the moment doesn’t mean that you don’t love him or her. It’s normal to have mixed feelings toward your spouse at times.  Sometimes your inner two-year-old will appear in your reactions—you know, the one who could stomp his feet and scream, “I hate you, Mommy!” when he didn’t get his own way. There are times when spouses can’t stand each other and the feelings of closeness and connection lessen. But that doesn’t mean that the marriage is over or that the love is permanently gone.

Success in marriage, as in life, is an inside job. The breakthroughs happen when you take responsibility for your actions and attitudes and focus on what changes you can make to improve the relationship. It’s important to learn how to stay centered and balanced emotionally as much as possible, and that requires inner work on yourself. Learning to be more self-aware will help you better understand your part in creating the present situation.

There’s no end to growth. There’s always something else to experience and learn. You can always improve your relationship skills and grow more as a person. Unlike school where you eventually get a diploma if you meet the requirements, you never “graduate” from relationship school. Just when you think you’ve learned to keep your equilibrium in your relationship, something is sure to throw you off balance as if to test you. And in the areas where you resist growth, you’ll find yourself endlessly repeating unproductive patterns. Then you have a choice—to stay stuck or keep on growing.

by Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D. Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D, is co-author of Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says “I don’t love you anymore!” 

 
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Posted by on February 18, 2018 in Marriage