Harry Ironside once had a recently married young man come to him and say, “I need your help. I’m in an awful state. I’m drifting into idolatry.”

“What’s the trouble?” asked Dr. Ironside.

“Well, I’m afraid that I’m putting my wife on too high a plane. I fear that I love her too much and I’m displeasing the Lord.”

“Are you, indeed?” asked Ironside. “Do you love her more than Christ loved the church?”

“I don’t think so,” replied the young man.

“Well, that’s the limit,” replied Ironside, “for we read, ‘Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave Himself for her.’” (In the Heavenlies [Loizeaux Brothers], p. 281.)

Husband, do you really love your wife? How does your love for her compare to Christ’s love for the church, which moved Him to give Himself for her on the cross? It’s safe to say that no matter how long you’ve been married and no matter how happy your marriage may be, there is always a need to grow in Christlike love for your wife.

While I will be applying my comments specifically to husbands (because our text does), I should point out that Jesus commanded all of us to love one another just as He loved us (John 13:34). In Ephesians 5:2, Paul tells all believers to walk in love, just as Christ also loved us and gave Himself for us. So these comments apply to every Christian, single or married, male or female, in that general sense. We all must continually be growing in Christlike love for one another. But there is also a specific sense in which Paul applies the need for Christlike love to Christian husbands.

Christlike love should characterize each husband’s relationship with his wife.

As we saw last time, Christian marriage is an earthly picture of the relationship between Christ and His bride, the church. The world should be able to look at a Christian marriage and see a distinctive difference in the way that husbands and wives relate to one another. Satan focuses his attacks on Christian marriages, in that the testimony of Christ and His sacrificial death on the cross is at stake. When Christian marriages break up, it sends a false message to the world, that Christ does not love His bride with an enduring love. So this text is not here just so that you can have a happy marriage, although it will help you do that. It’s here for a much greater purpose, to help us all glorify our Savior through marriages that reflect the relationship between Christ and His church.

1. Love is the priority for husbands.

(1). Authority is not the priority.

Following Paul’s instructions to the wives (5:22–24), which state that the husband is the head of the wife, you would have expected him to say next, “Husbands, exercise your headship over your wives diligently, just as Christ is the head of the church.” If you were to ask Christian husbands, “What is your main responsibility toward your wife?” you would often hear, “To be the head of my home!” While that is a serious responsibility (as we saw last time), that is not what Paul says when he addresses husbands. Rather, he says (literally), “Husbands, be continually loving your wives….” The husband primarily (not the wife) is responsible to set an atmosphere of love in the home.

(2). Material provision is not the priority.

Many American Christian husbands think that their main responsibility is to provide an increasingly comfortable lifestyle for their wives and children. In fact, they would say that the long hours that they work are an expression of their love for their families. The truth is, many men find it easier to give their wives and children things than to spend time with them and share their hearts with them in deep, loving relationships.

The Bible bluntly states that if a man does not provide financially for his family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever (1 Tim. 5:8). Those are strong words, and we should not disregard them! But, Paul is saying that we must provide our families with basic needs, not with all of the stuff that the world says we need to be happy. Rather, your main responsibility toward your wife is, “Love her!” It’s not easy, but it is your priority.

2. Love is possible for all husbands.

There are two reasons that although difficult, love is possible:

(1). Love is possible because it is commanded.

God never commands us to do something unless He gives us the power to accomplish it. As we’ve seen, all of these verses reflect the results of being filled with the Holy Spirit (5:18). Without the Holy Spirit’s replacing our self-centeredness with His fruit, which begins with love (Gal. 5:22–23), we could never make progress in loving our wives as Christ loved the church. While we will never do it perfectly in this life, with the Spirit’s power, we can make significant progress in it.

The fact that God commands us to love our wives also means that the excuse, “I used to love her, but I don’t love her anymore,” won’t cut it. If you say, “But I don’t feel the same love for her that I used to feel,” the Lord’s reply is, “Get to work at obeying My commandment and the feelings will rekindle!” Falling in love is somewhat easy and effortless. But staying in love and growing in love require deliberate focus and effort. If your marriage has degenerated into bitterness, blaming, and anger, you’ll have to work much harder at obeying this command. But the fact that God commands it means that it is possible and required.

(2). Love is possible because it is commanded to men from every conceivable background.

Just as the command for wives to be subject to their husbands is not culturally determined, but required of all wives in every culture, so the command to husbands to love their wives is given to all Christian husbands. Many of the husbands in the Ephesian church had been saved out of raw paganism. Many of them had frequented the Temple of Diana, goddess of the Ephesians, where both male and female prostitution were a part of the “worship” ritual. (This accounts for Paul’s instructions in Eph. 5:3–12.)

Furthermore, many of these men were married to women whom they did not choose, since marriages were often arranged by the parents. The Greek writer, Demosthenes, describes the common mentality of pagan men in those days: “We keep mistresses for pleasure, concubines for the day-to-day needs of the body, but we have wives in order to produce children legitimately and to have a trustworthy guardian of our homes” (quoted by William Barclay, Flesh and Spirit [Baker], p. 24; he documents the widespread immorality of pagan Greece and Rome on pp. 24–27).

Against that pagan backdrop, you can see how utterly radical the Christian perspective was regarding the sanctity of marriage and the responsibility of the husband to be singularly devoted to his wife in lifelong, sacrificial love! It is no less radical in our corrupt culture. But my point is, even in a marriage where the husband has fallen into the sinful ways of the world, where he has been unfaithful to his wife (or she to him), where romantic love has gone cold, it is possible through obedience to God’s Word to turn that marriage relationship around so that it not only honors God, but also is fulfilling to the couple.

But, to apply Paul’s command, we must be clear about what he means by “love.” Is it that overpowering feeling that swept you off your feet when you first saw her face?

3. Love is portrayed as a self-sacrificing, caring commitment that shows itself in seeking the highest good of the one loved.

If that definition sounds familiar, it’s because I developed it when we studied Ephesians 5:1–2 (and also on many other occasions!). Each part of the definition comes right out of our text:

“Love is self-sacrificing,” just as “Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her” (5:25).

“Love is caring,” just as a man nourishes and cherishes his own flesh, as Christ does the church (5:29).

“Love is a commitment,” as implied by the command to love, by Christ’s covenant love for us, and by the analogy of the body.

“Love shows itself,” that is, it is not just words, but also deeds, as seen by Christ’s going to the cross for us.

“Love seeks the highest good of the one loved,” just as Christ died for us so that He might sanctify and cleanse us, to present us to Himself in all our glory, as holy and blameless (5:26–27).

So the definition fits this text and I think that every man should memorize it (or create a better one of your own) so that you can think about applying it daily towards your wife. It is very important to clear our minds of the Hollywood image, that love is primarily sexual attraction that hits you mysteriously out of nowhere and just as mysteriously evaporates apart from your power to hang onto it. Certainly, God designed it so that love involves a mutual sexual attraction. Without it, I would not advise a couple to marry. But, to sustain and deepen love over a lifetime, we must understand Paul’s teaching here.

So, I want to explore the text in more depth by presenting ten contrasts to help sharpen our understanding of what biblical love looks like practically. (We will only be able to cover two of them this time.)

(1). Love is sacrificial, not selfish.

“Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her” (5:25). He is our standard. He didn’t sit on His throne in heaven and bark commands to us on earth. At a personal cost that we can never fully fathom, He laid aside His rights as God, took on human flesh and became obedient to death on the cross, where He actually was made sin for us (2 Cor. 5:21)! “Amazing love, how can it be, that Thou my God shouldst die for me!” (Charles Wesley)

A husband may say, “I’d die for my wife if it ever came down to it. I’d fight to the death in order to protect her.” That’s tremendous, and I hope you would! But here’s the real question:  “Are you crucifying self on a daily basis on behalf of your wife?” Is your focus on using her to meet your needs or on setting aside your selfish desires in order to meet her needs?

In his exposition of this text, Martyn Lloyd-Jones says (Life in the Spirit [Baker], p. 211), “… the real cause of failure, ultimately, in marriage is always self, and the various manifestations of self. Of course that is the cause of trouble everywhere and in every realm. Self and selfishness are the greatest disrupting forces in the world.”

Yes, the wife must also practice self-sacrificing love toward her husband, since all Christians must love one another. But, the apostle’s explicit command to husbands is that we love our wives sacrificially, as Christ loved the church. The main responsibility for setting a loving climate in the home is on the husband. But many husbands know nothing in daily practice about laying aside their rights, their comfort, their pleasures, their pursuits, or their time, for the sake of their wives. If you’re using your wife simply to meet your needs, if you don’t regard her needs above your own, if you are demanding your own way in the home, you aren’t loving her sacrificially.

Let me put it in even more concrete terms: If when you come home from work, your attitude is, “I’ve worked hard all day; I deserve some time off. Don’t bug me, wife!” you don’t love her as God calls you to do. Instead, as you drive home, you should be thanking God for the wonderful wife He has entrusted to you, and be praying for her and thinking about how God wants you to minister to her. If your wife brings you your slippers and the paper and says, “Enjoy yourself,” that’s fine. But if the kids are going berserk, the phone is ringing, the dishes are piled up in the sink, and the trash needs taking out, you may need to set aside your right to some relaxation and serve your wife out of love.

(2). Love is purposeful, not aimless, effortless ecstasy.

Paul gives us Christ’s purpose in giving Himself for the church (5:26–27): “so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.”

The world views love as an aimless, effortless state of ecstasy. You fall in love, kind of like falling off a surfboard. Once you’re in the water, you just let the current carry you along. If you have to work at it or give it any effort, you must not have the real thing. True love is totally spontaneous and unplanned.

But biblical love involves effort to reach a purpose. Christ does not achieve His aims for His bride by effortless spontaneity! He has a definite purpose and He works with us to achieve it.

• Married love has an exclusive purpose.

“That He might sanctify her….” To sanctify means to set apart unto God for His purposes. There are three senses of sanctification in the Bible. There is positional sanctification, which happens at the moment of salvation. God sets us apart for Himself. In this sense, Paul writes (1 Cor. 1:2), “To the church of God which is at Corinth, to those who have been sanctified in Christ Jesus….” There is also progressive sanctification, which is the process by which God makes us holy in practice (1 Thess. 4:3). And, there is final sanctification, in which we will be completely holy at the moment of Christ’s return (which is pictured in Eph. 5:27).

While some view the sanctification of verse 26 as the process of progressive sanctification, it may be more accurate to view it as the positional sanctification that takes place at the moment of salvation (Peter O’Brien, The Letter to the Ephesians [Eerdmans/ Apollos], pp. 421–422). In this sense, it has in view the exclusivity of our marriage to Jesus Christ. Just as couples often pledge at their wedding, “forsaking all others, I devote myself to you alone,” so when Christ saves us, we are set apart from the world unto Him alone.

In practical terms, men, this means that you must put a protective fence around your love for your wife. There is no place for flirting with other women. I think it is dangerous and inappropriate for a married man to continue or to form friendships with women other than his wife, unless his wife is fully included. To take another woman out to lunch is to flirt with temptation. Also, it should go without saying, but I’ll say it, you should not look at other women lustfully, whether in pornography or in person. While there is a sense in which Jesus loves all people, there is a special, exclusive sense in which He loves His bride. Even so, a Christian husband guards the exclusivity of his relationship with his wife.

• Married love has a purifying purpose.

Christ “cleansed [the church] by the washing of water with the word.” This probably refers to the cleansing that takes place at the moment of salvation, when Jesus’ blood cleanses us from all our sins (O’Brien, p. 422). While sanctifying refers to being set apart exclusively unto God, cleansing refers to the removal of our sins. Many commentators understand “the washing of water with the word” to refer to baptism and the word of consecration that accompanies the ritual. But, there is nothing in the context to indicate baptism. Probably in Paul’s mind was the ritual bath that Jewish brides took before their weddings.

Or, he may have been thinking of Ezekiel 16:8–14, where God describes how He entered into a marriage covenant with His bride Israel. He washed off her blood, anointed her with oil, and clothed her in beautiful garments and jewelry, so that she looked like a queen. Even so, Christ took us from our impurity and cleansed us from all our sins, making us the bride of the King.

“The word” (5:26) is from a Greek word meaning, the spoken or preached word, and probably refers to the gospel (as in Eph. 6:17; see also, John 15:3 & 17:17, which both use logos). It is through the word of the gospel that we are cleansed and set apart unto God. When Christ opens our ears to really hear the word of the gospel, that He shed His blood to cleanse us from our sins, and when He imparts to us faith to believe it, we become His purified bride, set apart unto Him.

The application for husbands is that we must be committed to the total well-being of our wives, but especially to their spiritual growth in holiness. You should read the Word with your wife and pray with her and for her, so that she will grow in godliness. Talk together often about the things of God, including both the struggles and the joys of the Christian life. Protect your wife from the world’s moral filth as much as you are able. Don’t take her to raunchy movies or suggest that you view pornography together to improve your sex life. Unless you have a medical problem, the Bible has all that you need to have a satisfying sex life (have you read the Song of Solomon or Proverbs 5 recently?).

• Married love has an edifying purpose.

The entire thrust of verses 26 and 27 is of the Lord building His church, so that we will be holy and blameless. That has been His purpose from eternity, in that in Ephesians 1:4 we read, “just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we would be holy and blameless before Him.” The Lord never does anything to tear down or put down His chosen bride! Even when He must discipline us, He does it in love that we may share His holiness (Heb. 12:6, 10).

The application for Christian husbands is obvious. Any thoughts, words, or deeds that put down your wife, ridicule her, attack her, or tear her down, are not in line with your God-given purpose. At times, you may need gently to correct her in love. But your aim is to help her grow into a truly beautiful woman in the sense of Proverbs 31:30, “Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.” Or, in the words of 1 Peter 3:4, you want to encourage her to develop “the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.”

Conclusion

We will have to look at the other eight contrasts next week. But for now, let me urge all husbands to focus on two things:

First, immerse yourself often in the wonder of the cross. Paul is not giving out shallow self-help tips, divorced from sound doctrine, on how to have a happy marriage. He roots his instruction to husbands in the theology and beauty of the cross, where the sinless Son of God offered Himself in order to secure His bride. As Martyn Lloyd-Jones points out (ibid., pp. 137–138), “His argument is clearly this—it is only as we realize the truth about the relationship of Christ to the church that we can really function as Christian husbands ought to function.” When you are overwhelmed daily with the fact that Jesus Christ died for your rotten sins, to make you His bride, the humility that that produces in you will spill over into self-sacrificing love for your bride. So take time each day to think about the glorious, amazing grace shown to you at the cross.

Second, take time often during the week (perhaps as you’re driving home from work each day) to think about how you can show love to your wife. Be as practical and specific as you can. It may be as simple as asking about her day and giving her your focused attention as she tells you. It may be helping her with the household chores or giving her a break from the kids. But if you aren’t giving it focused thought, you are not obeying Paul’s command here. Your love for her should be sacrificial, not selfish. It should be purposeful, not aimless. You should do it not primarily to have a happy marriage, but primarily to glorify the Lord, who loved you and gave Himself for you on the cross.

Do You Really Love Your Wife? Part 2 (Ephesians 5:25–33)

Kids sometimes have some humorous insights on love and marriage. When asked, “How does a person decide who to marry?” Allan (age 10) said, “You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.” Kirsten (age 10) replied, “No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you got to find out later who you’re stuck with.”

What do most people do on a date? Lynnette (age 8) says, “Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.” Martin (age 10) has some youthful wisdom: “On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.”

Is it better to be single or married? Anita (age 9) says, “It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!” Kenny (age 7) says, “It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble.”

Why love happens between two people: Jan (age 9) says, “No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That’s why perfume and deodorant are so popular.” Harlen (age 8) says, “I think you’re supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn’t supposed to be so painful.”

What is falling in love like? Roger (age 9) says, “Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.” Greg (age 8) says, “Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too.”

When is it okay to kiss someone? Pam (age 7) says, “When they’re rich!” Curt (age 7) is more cautious: “The law says you have to be 18, so I wouldn’t mess with that.” Howard (age 8) is a bit more responsible: “The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.” Jean (age 10) says, “It’s never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That’s why I stopped doing it.”

How to make a marriage work: Ricky (age 7) says, “Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck!” Bobby (age 9) says, “Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash.” Roger (age 8) says, “Don’t forget your wife’s name. That will mess up the love.”

We are considering the question, “Do you really love your wife?” We have seen that…

Christlike love should characterize each husband’s relationship with his wife.

Last time we saw that…

1. Love is the priority for husbands.
2. Love is possible for all husbands.
3. Love is portrayed as a self-sacrificing, caring commitment that shows itself in seeking the highest good of the one loved.

“Love is self-sacrificing,” just as “Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her” (5:25).

“Love is caring,” just as a man nourishes and cherishes his own flesh, as Christ does the church (5:29).

“Love is a commitment,” as implied by the command to love, by Christ’s covenant love for us, and by the analogy of the body.

“Love shows itself,” that is, it is not just words, but also deeds, as seen by Christ’s going to the cross for us.

“Love seeks the highest good of the one loved,” just as Christ died for us so that He might sanctify and cleanse us, to present us to Himself in all our glory, as holy and blameless (5:26–27).

We also looked at two of ten contrasts to help understand God’s perspective on a husband’s love for his wife:

(1). Love is sacrificial, not selfish.

(2). Love is purposeful, not aimless, effortless ecstasy.

We saw that there is an exclusive purpose in married love (“sanctified,” set apart exclusively unto God). There is a purifying purpose (cleansed by the washing of water with the word). And, there is an edifying purpose (no spot or wrinkle, but holy and blameless). We continue now with the rest of the contrasts.

(3). Love is realistic, not blind.

While married love aims at the high ideal of a bride who is without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, it is not unrealistic. A godly husband accepts his wife for who she is and graciously, patiently works with her to help her become all that God intends for her to be. The fact that a wife is far from perfect does not detract a husband from his steadfast love for her.

As we saw, husbands are to love their wives just as Christ loved the church (5:25). What kind of church did Christ love? Was she perfect, or close to it? Hardly! Even as He went to the cross, Jesus predicted Peter’s denials and that the disciples all would fall away because of Him (Mark 14:27, 30). Read the New Testament and you will easily see that the churches were far from perfect.

Look at your own life since coming to salvation. Have you perfectly obeyed Jesus Christ? Has your love for Him always been fervent? Have you always kept yourself pure and devoted only to Him? And yet, in spite of your many failures, He loves you with a steadfast, committed love!

One of the questions that I ask couples in premarital counseling is, “Knowing that no one is perfect, name at least five faults in your fiancé.” My aim is not to get couples to find fault with each other, but rather to determine if they’re entering marriage with their eyes wide open. If they can only name one or two faults, they’re going to be in for a rude awakening after the honeymoon (if not before!).

Invariably, when couples come in for marriage counseling, they are blaming one another. He blames her for being angry and she blames him for being indifferent or insensitive. Speaking to husbands (because our text does), your wife is imperfect, just as the church is imperfect. But Christ calls you to love her anyway with the kind of steadfast love that helps her to grow in godliness. If you need an example, study Hosea, who loved an unfaithful wife as an example of God’s love to adulterous Israel!

(4). Love is initiating, not dependent on a response.

The book of Ephesians (and all of Scripture) is clear that God took the initiative in loving us and drawing us to salvation. One of the most prevalent heresies of our day is that God’s sovereign election only means that He looked down through history and saw in advance that I would believe, so He chose me for salvation. But that would mean that election was not based on God’s grace alone, but on some good that He foresaw in me! But Scripture is plain (Rom. 5:8), “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.”

Applied to husbands, this means that you must continually initiate and demonstrate self-sacrificing love for your wife, regardless of her response. If you think, “Well, I’ll go 50–50, or even, 75–25, ” that’s not enough. You’ve got to give 100 percent love, even if she’s being disagreeable or difficult to live with. If you respond to her anger with your anger, it only escalates alienation. I encourage every husband (and wife) to memorize 1 Peter 3:8–9, which follows immediately on his counsel to wives and husbands: “To sum up, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit, not returning evil for evil or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing.” Love takes the initiative; it is not dependent on a response from the one loved.

(5). Love is unconditional, not conditioned on performance.

This is the outworking of the previous point. You not only initiate love when it is undeserved. You also must steadily maintain love over the long haul, even when your wife is not being particularly lovely. I’ve heard many husbands complain, “She’s an angry woman and she isn’t submissive to me! If she would just calm down and submit as she is supposed to, I’d be able to love her.” But, the husband’s job is not to get his wife to submit to him or to love her only when she is lovable, but to love her just as Christ loves an often disobedient church.

This does not mean that you never confront your wife with regard to her sin. Many husbands err here. Perhaps his wife is frequently angry, but rather than patiently, lovingly helping her acknowledge and overcome her anger, he runs for cover so that he can get some relief. Or, he sinfully confronts her anger with his fiercer anger, to let her know that she can’t intimidate him. Neither approach is godly.

A Christlike husband is not quarrelsome, but kind and patient, even when wronged (2 Tim. 2:24–25). He gently, but with determination comes alongside his wife and teaches her, “Your anger does not glorify God. I want to help you be a godly woman. Let’s see what God’s Word says about how to overcome anger.” By example and by teaching, he helps her to grow in godliness. That’s how Christ deals with His bride the church. That’s how a loving husband must deal with his wife, even when she is not all that she is supposed to be.

(6). Love is a total sharing of life, not two independent lives.

Paul says (5:28–29), “So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church.” He is not encouraging us to learn to love ourselves so that we can love our wives! That is modern psychobabble. Rather, he is pointing out the fact that normal people love their bodies, as seen by the way that we care for our bodies and protect them from danger. His point is that your wife is a part of your body, just as we (the church) are members of Christ’s body (5:30). A husband and wife are one flesh (5:31). When you love her, you are loving your own body.

It’s an amazing picture, that the wife actually is a part of the husband’s body! Paul is probably going back to the creation of Eve, who was not created out of the dust of the ground, as Adam was. Rather, she was taken out of his body, bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh (Gen. 2:23).

This has profound implications for Christian marriage. For one thing, if your wife is hurting, you are hurting! If you are insensitive to her pain, you are denying the fact that she is your body. If you coldly ignore her feelings and say, “I couldn’t care less how you feel,” you are ignoring yourself. If you attack her with harsh words, you’re attacking yourself. It would be as if a man hit his thumb with a hammer and then said, “You stupid thumb! Why did you get in the way? You deserve to hurt for being so dumb! I’m going to hit you again, just to teach you a lesson!” That would be crazy! And yet, that’s how many men treat their wives.

A husband who becomes so engrossed with his career that he ignores his wife is committing the same error, of living independently of his wife. It’s like trying to live apart from your body. Some years ago, a reporter asked the new head coach of a professional football team if his wife objected to his 18-hour workdays. He replied, “I don’t know. I don’t see her that much.” I don’t know if they’re still married, but that coach was not sharing his life with his wife as if she were his own body. At the very least, this analogy means that a husband must spend a lot of time with his wife, sharing his life with her and allowing her to share her life with him.

(7). Love is responsible, not irresponsible.

Paul writes (5:28–30) that husbands must nourish and cherish their wives, “just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body.” This reveals at least two ways that husbands must demonstrate responsible love for their wives.

• Love provides; it is not lazy.

Nourish has the nuance of feeding. Every man feeds his own body. Every husband is responsible to feed his wife. This includes material provisions, such as the basic necessities of food and covering. A lazy man who refuses to work to provide for his family has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever (1 Tim. 5:8).

But beyond that, nourishing also implies that a husband cares about his wife’s total well being and he exerts himself to provide for her in every way. He makes the effort to provide for her emotionally and spiritually. At the very least, this means taking the initiative to bring your wife and children to church every Sunday, where you all can be fed nourishing food from God’s Word. Do not go to a church that serves spiritual junk food. Go to a church where your family gets fed and then talk later about the things you are learning.

Also, read the Bible and pray together as a family. Read good Christian books and talk about them. Listen to other sound Bible teachers, such as John Piper, John MacArthur, and others. Occasionally, go to a good conference, such as the Ligonier Conference that will be in Scottsdale in September. Take the initiative in providing spiritual food for your wife and children.

• Love is caring, not callous.

Love cherishes. The word means “warmth,” and pictures a mother tenderly holding her infant against her to keep it warm from the cold (Paul uses the Greek verb of a mother in 1 Thess. 2:7, where the NASB translates, “tenderly cares”). Again, this verb stems from the analogy of the wife actually being part of the husband’s body. If your hands get cold on a winter day, you don’t say, “Stupid hands, stay out in the cold for all I care!” Rather, you put them inside your coat and tenderly warm them again. Responsible love nourishes and cherishes your wife.

(8). Love is emotionally mature, not immature.

In verse 31, Paul quotes Genesis 2:24, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This was written about Adam and Eve, neither of whom had a mother or father! So it was given for our instruction, to show us that a man must be mature enough to leave his parents before he enters into marriage.

I’ve encountered husbands who expect the same treatment from their wife as they got from their mother! They expect her to clean the house, buy the groceries, manage the money, and generally take care of them, while they go play with their buddies. That is immature, to say the least! A husband must leave his parents so that he can be joined to his wife and lead her in a mature, responsible manner. He should be her leader, not her little boy!

(9). Love is a permanent commitment, not a temporary arrangement.

“Be joined to” (5:31) means, “to be glued to.” That means when you get married, you’re stuck! Marriage creates a new, one-flesh identity of head and body. It is the permanent commitment that enables a couple to work through difficulties, as every couple has to do. I advise every couple to remove the words “divorce” and “separation” from your vocabularies. Even in the heated emotions of a disagreement, never threaten to leave! As we have seen, marriage isn’t just about our happiness. It’s an earthly picture of Christ and the church. For a husband to threaten to leave his wife when there is a problem would be like Christ threatening to leave His bride, the church. But (Heb. 13:5b), “He Himself has said, ‘I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you.’”

(10). Love is growing, exclusive intimacy, not a casual relationship.

Paul cites (5:31) Genesis 2:24, which lays the foundation of marriage as a one flesh relationship. When God instituted marriage, it was between a man and a woman, not between two people of the same sex, which is an abomination to God. It was also between one man and one woman, not between one man and many women, whether at the same time or in serial fashion. Although God tolerated polygamy in the Old Testament, it never reflected His original design for marriage and it always created problems. The same is true of divorce. God’s design is that one man and one woman be joined exclusively for life.

“One flesh” refers primarily to the sexual union. Paul says that even when a man has sex with a prostitute, he becomes one flesh with her (1 Cor. 6:16). God has designed the sexual union to create this intimate, one flesh relationship, even when it is a one-time event! But it is to be confined within the boundary of lifelong marriage in order to deepen the relationship between a husband and wife. Casual sex, outside of the permanence of marriage, is never an expression of love, but only of lust.

Marriage is a great mystery, in that it is an earthly picture of Christ and the church (5:32). Sex in the Bible is often described as a man knowing his wife. A husband and wife’s sexual union is a sacred picture of the intimate, face-to-face knowledge that we share with our heavenly Bridegroom. Jesus said that there will not be any marriage in heaven (Matt. 22:30). I’ve often said to Marla, “How can heaven be heaven if I can’t be married to you?” The biblical answer is, in heaven there will be no need for the picture, because the reality will have come. We will be married to our heavenly Bridegroom for all eternity. Therefore, we must guard ourselves so that we keep ourselves sexually only for our mates. The picture of Christ and His church is at stake!

Conclusion

A husband was listening to a tape where the speaker cited the biblical text about husbands being thoughtful of their wives. He emphasized that love is an act of the will. A person can choose to love. It convicted this husband, who realized that he had been pretty selfish and insensitive. So as he drove to join his family at their vacation cottage, he vowed that during the vacation, he would try to be a totally loving husband. No excuses!

His resolve was immediately tested. After the long drive, he wanted to sit and read, but his wife suggested a walk on the beach. He started to refuse, but then he thought, “She’s been alone with the kids all week and now she wants to be alone with me.” So he went for the walk on the beach.

So it went for two weeks. He resisted the temptation to call the Wall Street firm where he was director to check on things. He agreed to a visit to the shell museum, although he usually hated museums. He held his tongue when his wife’s slow getting ready made them late for a dinner engagement. For two weeks, he kept his vow to choose to love his wife.

But on the last night of the vacation, as they got ready for bed, his wife stared at him with the saddest expression. “What’s the matter?” he asked. Her voice filled with distress as she said, “Do you know something I don’t?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well … that checkup I had several weeks ago … our doctor …did he tell you something about me? You’ve been so good to me … am I dying?”

After it all sank in, he burst out laughing and said, “No, honey, you’re not dying; I’m just starting to live!” (Adapted from Tom Anderson, Reader’s Digest [October, 1986], pp. 129–130.)

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her” (5:25). Do you love her even as you love yourself (5:31)? If not, your assignment is clear. Get started this week!^[1]

^[1] Steven J. Cole, “Lesson 49: Do You Really Love Your Wife? Part 1 (Ephesians 5:25–33),” in Ephesians, Steven J. Cole Commentary Series (Dallas: Galaxie Software, 2017), Eph 5:25–33.