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Numerous men have pondered the questions, “Why does my wife say she’s unhappy? What does she want that I’m not doing?” Many of the men raising these questions have been blindsided by a wife’s confession that she’s not happy in the marriage.

It can be confusing to try to figure out what a partner wants. And men, in particular, are having a harder time than ever because of changing expectations on the part of many females. In the past, it was enough for a husband to be a good provider, to have stable employment, and to bring home an adequate paycheck.

But now, that’s not enough anymore for many females. Enter the age of the “soul mate”—a word that signifies a deep bond and heart connection, someone who’s on the same “wave length” as his or her partner. Soul mates are compatible and bring out the best in each other. The relationship has satisfying intimacy and includes friendship, companionship, as well as love.

The connection between soul mates is sustained by emotional intimacy and the delight the partners share at having found each other. They share feelings easily and keep each other informed as to what they’re feeling, what concerns they’re wrestling with, what they’re worried about, and what their hopes and dreams are. Soul mates often say they feel a spiritual as well as an emotional connection to their partner.

A number of couples feel deeply connected at the beginning of their marriage. Both individuals are trying their best and are putting genuine effort and energy into the relationship. Even reticent, quiet males often make an effort to talk more and connect at this early stage in the marriage.

But, over time, the quality of the relationship can change—often for very understandable reasons, like parenting demands—and wives may begin feeling disconnected from their mates. Many husbands do not understand the importance of strengthening and nurturing emotional intimacy in a marriage. They may not feel comfortable sharing their feelings; they may not even be able to put their feelings into words and communicate them to their spouse.

The old model of marriage demanded a “real man,” and a “real man” didn’t cry, didn’t show his feelings, and didn’t talk about his feelings. He was strong, always in control of his emotions, and he solved his own problems without help from anyone else. While he was being emotionally strong, his wife was usually feeling increasingly distanced and disconnected from him.

“Well, what do women want, then? Do they want us to act like their female friends do?” The answer is both “yes” and “no.” No, they don’t expect their husbands to be as interested in every little aspect of certain things as their female friends are (planning a baby shower, deciding what dress to wear to a special event, for example). But yes, they do expect to get emotional support and sharing of feelings from their husbands on a regular basis.

      

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Why is it that we feel we must rush our children into growing up? We hurry them off the bottle; we rush them out of diapers; we push them to walk. Why?

We allow eight-year-olds to adorn herself with pierced earrings, in lipstick and makeup, and rush them into dating at 11 and 12-years old…shame on us if we have been guilty of rushing our children. What we are actually doing is robbing them of the most glorious, beautiful, and peaceful time of the lives — their childhood.

One thought: if the child does everything that teenagers do at age 11, what is there left for them to do as teens? Doesn’t it encourage them to ‘move into adult issues’ too soon?

Good advice? Let them experience age-appropriate items at a normal pace. They will not miss out when it is their natural time. That ‘rush’ can also apply to our being too busy. If you feel as it you are always rushing your child, slow down and do something about your schedule. Cut some non-essential things out and spend more time with them. Look them in the eye and talk. And expect them to listen and act accordingly.

Nixon Waterman writes: “Hurry the baby as fast as you can, Hurry him, worry him, make him a man. If with his baby clothes, get him in pants,  Feed him on brain foods, and make him advance. Hustle him, soon as he’s able to walk, Into a grammar school; cram him with talk. Fill his poor head full of figures and facts, Keep on a-jamming them in till it cracks. Once boys grew up at a rational rate, Now we develop a man while you wait, Rush him through college, compel him to grab Of every known subject a dip and a dab. Get him in business and after the cash, All by the time he can grow a mustache. Let him forget he was ever a boy, Make gold his god and its jingle his joy. Keep him a-hustling and clear out of breath, Until he wins — nervous prostration and death.”

God Says Organize! The autocratic home must first of all be properly organized. God gives the blueprint for that organization in 1 Corinthians 11:3: “The head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.” 

This particular scripture does not include children, but previous passages we’ve noticed (Eph. 6:1 and Col. 3:20) have already confirmed that they come under Daddy and Mother’s authority. Any time we get Daddy, Mother, and the children’s positions out of kilter, we are in serious trouble. We certainly aren’t happy. Daddy is humiliated, Mother embarrassed, and the children aren’t content, either. Society suffers and the nation is weakened, too, by the way. God has designated that men carry certain responsibilities and that women assume others. Men and women are not the same in purpose or responsibility, but they are equal in importance. God’s plan is that we
are “a 100% Daddy and a 100% Mother.”

What is the Dad’s responsibility?

Be the head of the home. This simply entails being the one by whom and through whom all decisions and orders of the family’s business are approved. You give the ultimate yes and no. If you are wise, you will
gladly share this with your spouse in many areas, but when it is all said and done, it is your responsibility.

Be the protector. This protection finds its fruit in both physical and emotional protection. God built with a man the ability to minimize his family’s fears and feelings of insecurity. With his deep, strong voice, he can scare any intruders away.

Be the physical provider. From the beginning of time, it has been God’s decree that the man is to make the living for his family (Gen. 3:17-19; Exodus 21:10). It’s important that the family be taught the lesson of contentment so ‘demand and command’ be held in check — in other words, live within your means.

Be the spiritual leader. A man’s spiritual welfare and that of his wife and children are resting in his hands. A woman is to submit willingly to man’s leadership (1 Cor. 11:3). Again, it is the wise husband who uses the nurturing skills and patience of the mother in this area.

Four levels of faith. John Westerhoff, in his book Will Our Children Have Faith? presents four levels of faith development. They can be used by each family to make decisions that relate to worship and training the child to more effectively participate in it.

1. Ages birth to 5: the child has an experimental faith, where he/she slowly becomes aware of spiritual principles through other individuals. With this understanding, we should spend much time with the Bible and Christian people, and in regular worship, so our children can see us.
2. Ages 6-11: the child moves to belonging faith, where he begins to sense some “belonging to the spiritual family.” Our response must be an earnest interest to get them in a Bible class of the congregation, and allow them to experience many fellowship and fun activities. This is definitely the age when they should be carrying and reading their own personal Bible, holding and singing from a songbook.    3. Ages 12-18: the child is in the Search faith phase, where he begins to question and test the par-ent’s beliefs. The parent should get their children with others so they can struggle together in the right environment…they need role models as that “significant other.”
3. Age 18: the mature faith begins developing, and it’s the most exciting time of all, when the young adult reaches his own beliefs and believes because of his own decision and will.

Obedience: A Major Ingredient in Our Homes

Proverbs 13:24: “He who withholds his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him diligently.”

Proverbs 19:18: “Discipline your son while there is hope, And do not desire his death.”

Proverbs 20:11: “It is by his deeds that a lad distinguishes himself If his conduct is pure and right.”

Proverbs 22:15: “Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; The rod of discipline will remove it far from him.”

“Any time your children will not follow your teaching, you are in trouble and they are in worse trouble. Furthermore, until you get your children to mind you, neither independence, good habits, work, communication, no togetherness will work for you. Having an autocratic family will come to a dead standstill if you don’t have obedience.” Obedience is vital in our home because it builds three essential
ingredients within a child. It builds trust, respect, and responsibility. Without these ingredients, your child will be a social cripple and will be handicapped for life.”

    

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Obedience is vital in our home because it builds three essential ingredients within a child. It builds trust, respect, and responsibility. Without these ingredients, your child will be a social cripple and will be handicapped for life.

Proverbs 13:24: “He who withholds his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him diligently.”

Proverbs 19:18: “Discipline your son while there is hope, And do not desire his death.”

“Any time your children will not follow your teaching, you are in trouble and they are in worse trouble. Furthermore, until you get your children to mind you, neither independence, good habits, work, communication, no togetherness will work for you. Having an autocratic family will come to a dead standstill if you don’t have obedience.”

Proverbs 20:11: “It is by his deeds that a lad distinguishes himself If his conduct is pure and right.”

Proverbs 22:15: “Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; The rod of discipline will remove it far from him.”

In previous posts, we were cautioned that training involves getting a child to follow your instructions…without begging, nagging, anger, and counting. We have now  reached the point where you must learn how to accomplish getting this obedience. Are you a winner? Winners are parents who have reared or are rearing obedient children. Their children respect and honor them; they show it in their speech, manners, and actions.

I can remember a visit made a few years back that was important, and, after meeting and greeting the family, it was time for the adults to talk alone in the living room. At the time, two children were in the room watching television. The husband/father made a simple statement: “Boys, turn the TV off…we have to visit alone for a few minutes.” What did the boys do? Without hesitation (or begging or further explanation) they got up and obeyed their father. No talkback. No nasty attitude involved. What would you expect as parents? Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way in many homes because the children are treated differently on a daily basis and don’t know how to act when “company arrives.” True obedience in this regard is: (a) immediate; (b) unquestioning, and (c) to the letter — no substitutions, additions, or omissions.

Let’s discuss ten basic facts that contribute to getting obedience in our homes:

1. To love and to discipline don’t conflict. The first fact you need to know before you can win the obedience race with your children is that to love is to discipline. “The greatest social disaster of this century is the belief that abundant love makes discipline unnecessary.” It is for the good of any child to have acceptable behavior and to be able to get along in the family, in the neighborhood, and at worship.
2. Punishment isn’t always discipline, but inflicted discipline is always punishment. There is a difference between pure punishment and true discipline. Punishment is pain or discomfort inflicted upon one. Now if pain or discomfort is inflicted upon a child for his welfare and to make him a better and more acceptable person, it is discipline. But if pain is inflicted on a child out of spite, anger, hate, or when a parent is in a rage, it is pure punishment.
   We must work diligently to make them follow our instructions with a calm and firm hand and a loving spirit. Given this way, it will be discipline for the child’s sake and not an outlet for our own frustrations.
3. A child’s judgment takes years to develop. Children are children, and it takes months and years of living for their judgments to develop. One writer said: “On behalf of children everywhere, I beg of you, don’t terrify them with explanations. Just support them with facts. Don’t force a child to make decisions before he has the facts upon which to decide and the self-confidence to do so.” Two examples: a mother walks her preschooler to the closet and asks: “what do you want to wear today?” The child doesn’t know what they are going to do that day and has no concept of the outside weather. Mother is the one to make this decision. Example two: a couple takes their child to the church building for an event. It’s late and time to leave…the Dad turns to the child: “are you ready to go home?” They can’t tell time, don’t always understand they need to get to bed at a time appropriate for their age, etc. The Dad should make this decision, not the child. Parents who deal with their children in the ways given will usually have to contend with some terrible scenes. All of those incidents could have been avoided if the parents had furnished the child with facts. We spare our children unnecessary anxiety, tension, and anger by supporting them with facts until they are old enough to make sound judgments on their own.
4. Your child needs to learn respect for authority. This is a major lesson that simply must be taught: respect for authority. No matter what else they learn, they must learn this because all the others work from this foundation. I know of a situation recently at the church building where an adult kindly told some elementary-age children to quit standing on the tables in the fellowship hall. The response by one of the boys? “You’re not my boss.” While it’s clear that strangers are not the boss, it’s also clear that in such an environment, that youngster should have responded differently.
   5. You are your child’s first authority. The basic purpose in God’s using parents to be the child’s first authority is not to give the parents an avenue for boosting their ego and exercising their power, but to build a basis for the child’s attitude toward other people. There are key steps in being an authority. An authority: (a) knows the subject better than the person being addressed; (b) verbally gives the facts (one time…never more than twice, unless asked); and he then follows his facts with proof. Example: It’s time to put the three-year old down for a nap. Step 1: You know the subject better than the child (it’s 1:00 and youngsters need extra rest); Step 2: you verbally give the fact once; Step 3: you follow your fact with proof (take the child and tuck him in bed). Look what your child has learned: their mother spoke and they didn’t have to wonder whether or not she knew her subject. She knew what she was talking about, because she furnished immediate proof. The child will trust her next time and will show her respect by following her spoken word. In time, they will learn responsibility because they were taught to yield consistent obedience to a trusted parent. The key ingredient? Consistency! Too often parents use ‘noise’ to get action, when they should use ‘action’ to get action.  No ‘authority” (parents) would allow misbehavior on Monday (when Mom is happy) and then allow it on Tuesday (when Mom might be  tired). Moods, good days, bad weather, sickness, etc., should not change the facts. An authority, therefore, will teach consistent facts Sunday through Saturday. And remember, Dad and Mom are working together, agreeing on what these facts are and in their willingness to back them with proof. What do you do when these steps have been followed and they don’t obey…that’s next month!
5. To discipline you need a rod. If our children won’t stay in bed when they are told, or refuse to leave the chair alone, you will have to reinforce that your facts are true by furnishing further proof. Often, in order to make a child obey your spoken word, you will need action, and that sometimes means a ‘rod.’ Why is that so? Because God said so! Listen to His words and forget the words of psychologists who often are not guided by Godly principles.

Another principle that some also ignore: the rod is the first response, not the last resort. There should be no “waiting till Daddy comes home.” If your child is not minding your spoken words, then you are the one to respond with the proper correction. If we learn one thing, learn this: if your child is rebellious, it is no small thing…and he needs to know that you will win the rebellion skirmishes!

Sometimes when you give your child a fact, he will not obey
immediately and will continue to procrastinate. When he/she sees you coming with the ‘rod’ in your hand, however, he will hasten to do what you told him to do. What is a parent to do when this happens? If you go to the trouble to get a rod, you must go ahead and use it…if you don’t, your child will develop this little ‘daring’ act into a game of tag every time you tell him to do something, and you will be the one who is always “it.”

Two important things should be understood at this point: (a) the spanking should have some ‘sting’ in order to get its point across, but pain is not the goal. The goal is to get their attention and know you are serious! (b) a belt or a ping pong paddle on the fatty part of the seat will accomplish this without causing welts or bruises…it has always been recommended to me that you not use the hand, since it is attached to a “loving mom or dad” while the paddle, belt, or switch can become the enemy instead of the person using it.

And don’t underestimate a good swat on the seat or fatty portion of the leg to also get their attention when smaller things occur.

One more thing: parents who spend a lot of time “yelling and nagging” a child into obedience is simply being used by the child…children who have been scolded and nagged for weeks and months acquire the habit of deafness and rarely are moved to action until they see something more substantial.

Train up a child……easier said than done? Solomon said it best in Proverbs 22:6: “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”

The word “train” there speaks to a process whereby we instill into our child the desire (thirst) to do what is right. Training consists of two steps that involve three major activities. The first step is teaching; after teaching comes discipline.

 1. Teaching. Teaching covers two of the three activities. The first thing one does in teaching is to show what or how a thing is done. Then the teacher tells or explains the details of the lesson. After a child has been taught by being shown or told, he is ready for the last step in training – discipline. The word discipline comes from the word disciple, which means “a follower of.” The child is now ready to practice for himself or herself what the teacher has taught. For a child to be trained, he/she must follow what the teacher does and says.

For example, suppose you want to start training your two-year-old to put his toys away. First, you will show the child how to pick the toys up and how they are to be stored in the toy box. You will talk to the child as you go through the process of showing him all about putting his toys away.

 “Now, Jimmy, you put this toy away,” you direct him. You should then go in with him and help him put them away…and after a few times when you do it together, the child can go put  toy away, following what he saw you do and heard you say. You have taken Jimmy through a process that can be repeated, but each time he is asked to put his toys away “please,” he will know exactly what to do.

But, remember, no child is going to clean their room at the mature level of an adult. You will always have to help IF you want it done at that level!

2. Discipline. Here it is important to point out two types of discipline:

a. Self-discipline. This is when a child follows you willingly, doing what you show and tell him to do. He does it because it is something he wants to do. His will and yours are in agreement. When a child exercises self-discipline, training is most enjoyable.

b. Inflicted discipline. This is when a child decides he doesn’t want to do as he has been told, and you must compel him to follow your lessons. You will accomplish this only by inflicting discipline upon him. If you are a new parent, please don’t get your hopes built up and form a false optimism that your child will always exercise self-discipline with regard to all of your teaching. Be fore-warned: obedience won’t just happen! There will be multitudes of times you will have to inflict discipline upon your little one in order to train him….and the sooner you do this to make him follow, the more quickly your child will develop and exercise his own self-discipline and good judgment.

Wisdom In Raising Children — It costs to acquire wisdom, but it’s worth it! It isn’t enough to own a study Bible and read books about the Bible, helpful as they are. It’s one thing to know about the Bible and quite something else to hear God speak through His Word and teach us His wisdom so that we become more like Jesus Christ.

We should keep in mind two things:1. Life is short; and 2. Our eternal existence is greatly influenced by how we live during this short life. It is imperative, then, that we not waste our time through rash and foolish decisions which not only jeopardize our eternal destiny but can also make this life miserable.

The value of wisdom is especially seen in family relationships: “He who troubles his own house will inherit the wind.” (Prov. 11:29). Life is too short and families grow too fast for us to raise a family through “trial and error”

Consider what many people think is most important in providing for a family Many would say it is the “necessities” of life such as food and clothing, and a place of shelter. Most would feel that other things are also necessary such as the “finer things” (luxuries) for the children, which parents never had as children. A good “education” for the children,
so they too can be affluent.

1. Instilling a fear of the Lord  (reverence and awe) Proverbs 15:16: “Better is a little with the fear of the LORD Than great treasure and turmoil with it.”
2. Giving them love. Proverbs 15:17: “Better is a dish of vegetables where love is Than a fattened ox served with hatred.” Providing an environment where love reigns is more important than providing material abundance. Troubled children come from homes where “love” is lacking, not money!
3. Providing a peaceful family life. Proverbs 17:1: “Better is a dry morsel and quietness with it Than a house full of feasting with strife.”

What can be done to insure adequate material provisions for the family: Be righteous! Proverbs 20:7: “A righteous man who walks in his integrity– How blessed are his sons after him.”

Today that means putting the kingdom of God first in your life. Then God will watch out for you and providentially see that your needs are adequately met! Children of righteous parents are truly blessed! But parents who fail to put God first go through life without God’s providential help, and their children may suffer as a result! Inspired wisdom is explicit in the proper use of “corporeal punishment.” Used properly, it is a demonstration of true love.

Proverbs 13:24: “He who withholds his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him diligently.”

Proper discipline has proper objectives Proverbs 22:15: “Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; The rod of discipline will remove it far from him.

Proverbs 23:13-14: “Do not hold back discipline from the child, Although you strike him with the rod, he will not die. You shall strike him with the rod And rescue his soul from Sheol.”

Proverbs 29:15: “The rod and reproof give wisdom, But a child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother.”

Proper discipline has its rewards Proverbs 29:17: “Correct your son, and he will give you comfort; He
will also delight your soul.”

Proverbs 19:18: “Discipline your son while there is hope, And do not desire his death.”

It is to be applied before the situation gets of out hand (“while there is hope”). It is also to be applied under controlled circumstances (“do not set your heart on his destruction”). i.e., do not put it off  until you strike in anger. There IS a difference between proper “spanking” and “child abuse”!

Look at these important points when you discipline your children, you’re acting like God discipline is a function of love, and appropriate punishment is not something done to a child but for the child spanking before 18 months of age is not wise and after 12 years of age is not effective it should be reserved for times of defiant or rebellious behavior when love is abundant at home, proper discipline (even a spanking) won’t be resented children are gifts from the Lord but between 15-36 months they don’t want to be restricted in any way. They are the most self-centered, manipulative, and controlling things on the planet…parents must be adults and be in charge.

James Dobson: “The proper time to begin disarming the teenage time bomb is 12 years before it arrives. “Children thrive best in an atmosphere of genuine love, undergirded by reasonable and consistent discipline. In a day of widespread drug usage, immorality, sexually transmitted diseases, vandalism, and violence, we must not depend on hope and luck to fashion the critical attitudes we value in our children.

“In those situations when the child fully understands what he is being asked to do or not to do but refuses to yield to adult leadership, an appropriate spanking is the shortest and most effective route to an attitude adjustment.” (The New Date to Discipline, page 28, 7, and 60-61).

Life is too short and families grow  too fast for us to raise a family  through “trial and error.”

Man’s domestic problems begin when he departs from God’s counsel regarding the home. This study is vital because our understanding of Christ’s relationship to the church is dependent upon His conception of the home. A reminder about Satan The first attack Satan made was against the home: he invaded Eden and led the first  husband and wife into disobedience and judgment.

He is called the “deceiver” and wants us to center our mind upon him, to make us  ignorant of God’s will in our life. He uses lies…Jesus tells us that “Satan is the Father of  all liars…that he cannot tell the truth because it just isn’t in him”….our defense is God’s Word!

He’s also called “the destroyer” and uses suffering in this world to make us impatient with God’s will…we need to remember the unmerited, unending grace that God bestows upon each of us when we choose Jesus and make Him Savior and Lord of our lives!

If he can’t get us through these means, Satan works on our pride and hopes to make us independent of God’s will.  Or he uses accusation as “the accuser” to work on the heart and the conscience to bring an indictment by God’s will.

1. Satan uses religious leaders today to forbid marriage (1 Tim. 4:1-3). Singleness is a Christian’s option but for most people, marriage is the will of God. Satan’s approach is to convince the person that marriage is sinful. Any teaching  that claims greater spiritual virtues and blessings for the celibate than for the married is of the devil and not from God.
2. Satan seeks to reverse the headship in the home (1 Tim. 2:11-13; Eph. 5:22-23).  He wants man to be concerned with dictatorship and forget the model of Christ as
   the head of the church; the husband ought to be the head of the wife in a living, loving
   relationship.

What is the answer to life’s difficulties and to Satan’s attacks on our homes? God!! It might be of some comfort to realize that the world has always been a difficult  place in which Christians must live. It has always been opposed to God’s values and God’s will. Satan longs for the soul of any age person who will reject good, right, and truth and turn to his way of thinking.

Christians must daily remind themselves of the clear, simple words of Jesus, from Matthew 7:13-14: “Enter by the narrow gate; for the gate is wide, and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and many are those who enter by it.” {14} “For the gate is small, and the way is narrow that leads to life, and few are those who find it.”

  

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During a visit to the children’s Bible class, a preacher looked into their serious faces and asked, “Why do you love God?” After a moment a small voice came from the back: “I guess it just runs in the family.”

Some of us are blessed to be ‘lifers.’ It’s a phrase I first heard in Mansfield, Ohio, many years ago, used to describe a person “who has been around the church his whole life.”

What a blessed person! To have grandparents and parents who knew the value of God, Christ, the Bible, and the church! To attend worship and classes “every time the doors are opened” is a blessed way of life that benefits into eternity.

Some aren’t so fortunate, for many children don’t even feel as if they know their parents, much less the Lord. The story is told of a young boy who wanted a new suit of clothes, and he asked his mother if she would ask his father to buy it for him. The mother suggested that it might be better if the boy would ask the father himself. The response of the boy was, “Well, I would, but you know him much better than I do.”

Sadly, it’s not easy to bring about much-needed change. Herbert Prochnow tells of a little girl who wrote in an essay on Parents: “We get our parents at so late an age that it is impossible to change their habits.”

In Japan, many workers are finding themselves either too busy or too stressed to visit their parents.  An enterprising business is now offering a solution for lonely parents.  For $1,130 a day, the Japan Efficiency Headquarters company will send actors to provide “family” time.  The actors have been trained in psychology to ensure a more realistic family visit.

Lee Iacocca said, “Your job takes up enough time without having to shortchange your family. Still, I’ve seen a lot of executives who neglect their families, and it always makes me sad. You can’t let a corporation turn into a labor camp. Hard work is essential. But there’s also a time for rest and relaxation, for going to see your kid in the school play or at a swim meet. And if you don’t do these things while the kids are young, there’s no way to make it up later on. I learned about the strength you can get from a close family life. I’ve had a wonderful and successful career, but next to my family, it hasn’t really mattered at all.”

It is sad commentary on our times that families have become so fragmented and splintered some must hire a surrogate family to provide companionship. [1]

A family is more than a collection of human beings who are blood kin.  A family is more than the sum of its parts.  It is a living, shaping, powerful unit that teaches us our most important lessons in life.  It teaches us who we are, how to act, whom to relate to, and what is important in life.

 A popular book of a few years ago, Jonathan Livingston Seagull, extolled the “virtues” of independence and individuality at any price.  The seagull is a popular subject for photography, and many people who vacation at the shore end up with some kind of souvenir bearing the picture of a seagull.  It is easy to see why people like this figure.  A seagull exults in freedom.  When flying alone, he thrusts his wings back with powerful strokes, climbs higher and higher, and then swoops down in majestic loops and circles.

 In a flock, though, the seagull is a different bird.  His majesty dissolves into in-fights and cruelty.  Concepts of sharing and manners do not seem to exist among gulls.  They are so fiercely competitive and jealous that if you tie a ribbon around the leg of a gull, making him stand out from the rest, you sentence him to death.  The others in his flock will furiously attack him with claws and beaks, hammering through feathers and flesh to draw blood.  They’ll continue until he is a bloody heap.

   If we must have a bird as a model for our society, there is certainly a better choice.  Consider the wild goose.  The V-formation they use in flying enables them to fly with more ease and speed.  The point position is the most difficult because of wind resistance, so the geese rotate this position every few minutes.  The easiest flight is experienced in the two rear sections of the formation, and the stronger geese permit the young, weak, and older birds to occupy these positions.  It is also probable that the constant honking encourages the weaker geese.

The seagull teaches us to break loose and fly alone, but the wild goose teaches us to fly in a “family.” We can fly further with our Christian family than we could ever  fly alone – and, as we fly, our efforts constantly help others in our family.

We should be aware that if we died tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days. But the family we left behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives. And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than into our own family, an unwise investment indeed, don’t you think? So what is behind the story? Do you know what the word family means? Family: Father And Mother I Love You.

I am the second of nine children in my family.  I’m used to hearing remarks about the size of our family. Once when my father had taken four of us to the grocery store, a woman asked him, “Are these all your children?”

“Oh, no,” he innocently replied.

Seeing the look of relief on her face, Dad said with a twinkle in his eye, “The other five are at home.”

He took to heart Solomon’s words from Psalm 127: “Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain. {2} In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat– for he grants sleep to those he loves. {3} Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from him. {4} Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one’s youth. {5} Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate.”

Close friends of our family used to tease Mom (a nurse) and Dad (a  chemist). “You do know what causes children, don’t you?” they would ask. They made it crystal clear of their knowledge: “Some people put their efforts and their money into houses or vacations. We’re investing in children.”

We never know the love of the parent until we become parents ourselves.

A dad is a fellow who has replaced the currency in his wallet with snapshots of his family. The family you come from isn’t as important as the family you’re going to have.

There is a story about a father who became disturbed about the length of time his six year old son was taking to get home from school. The father decided he would make the trip to discover for himself how long it should take a small boy to cover the distance.

The father settled on 20 minutes but his son was still taking an hour. Finally the father decided to make the trip with his son. After the trip, the man said, “The 20 minutes I thought reasonable was right, but I failed to consider such important things as a sidetrip to track down a trail of ants — or an educational stop to watch a man fix a flat — or the time it took to swing around a half dozen telephone poles — or how much time it took for a boy just to get acquainted with two stray dogs and a brown cat. “In short,” said the father, “I had forgotten what it is really like to be six years old.”

A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold. [2]

People are blind to what they really need. They need family, and they need religion. Period. There is such an incredible strength in family, and religion gives you respectability, responsibility and a reverence for life. [3]

Desmond Tutu observed, “You don’t choose your family. They are God’s gift to you, as you are to them.”

Children want to feel instinctively that their father is behind them as solid as a mountain, but like a mountain, is something to look up to.

In Sources of Strength, former President Jimmy Carter recalls: “I had just been inaugurated, walked down Pennsylvania Avenue, reviewed the parade with my family, and then begun to walk with my family, for the first time, toward the White House. Eager news reporters with cameras surrounded us, and my press secretary said, ‘Don’t anyone stop to answer questions.’ Typically, Mama ignored him and stopped to talk to the press. The first question was ‘Miss Lillian, aren’t you proud of your son?’ “Mama replied, ‘Which one?’

Studies have shown that the child who has the lowest self-esteem is the one who isn’t permitted to say anything at the dinner table. The one with the next lowest image of himself is the child who is allowed to dominate the conversation. Highest on the list is the youngster whose parents tell him, “Yes, you may speak up — when it’s your turn. [4]

It is said of James Boswell, the famous biographer of Samuel Johnson, that he often referred to a special day in his childhood when his father took him fishing. The day was fixed in his adult mind, and he often reflected upon many of the things his father had taught him in the course of their fishing experience together. After having heard of that particular excursion so often, it occurred to someone much later to check the journal that Boswell’s father kept and determine what had been said about the fishing trip from the parental perspective. Turning to that date, the reader found only one sentence entered: “Gone fishing today with my son — a day wasted.”

Few have ever heard of Boswell’s father; many have heard of Boswell. But in spite of his relative obscurity, he must have managed to set a place in his son’s life which lasted for a lifetime and beyond. On one day alone he inlaid along the grain of his son’s life ideas that would mark him long into his adulthood. What he did, not only touched a boy’s life, but it set in motion certain benefits that would affect the world of classical literature. Too bad that Boswell’s father couldn’t appreciate the significance of a fishing trip and the pacesetting that was going on even while worms were being squeezed on to hooks.

Grandchildren are a different discussion! They bless our lives in ways we could never have imagined!

A woman had a very precocious grandchild who was visiting her.  She was about 10 or 11 years old.  She asked, “Grandma how old are you?” And grandma said, “Well, honey we don’t tell our ages, it is not polite to ask a women her age.”  “Oh, come on grandma, tell me how old you are.”  “No, honey.  I am not going to tell you how old I am.”  So, the girl disappeared.   Grandma heard something up stairs and went up and found the little girl in her purse. The little girl had found her driver’s license and she was adding up the date of birth to the present time, and she said, “Grandma you are 78 years old.”  “Now honey, you shouldn’t be in there,” grandma said.  “Plus, grandma, I see that you got an F in sex.”

Conveying Christian Values

1. Acknowledge that your child is a gift from God (see Ps 127:3, GNB).

 2. Dedicate your child to the Lord to be used in his service (see 1 Sam. 1:11, RSV).

 3. Make a personal commitment to God to grow as a Christian parent.

 4. Identify your values and convey these values consistently in your behavior.

 5. Express to your children love and acceptance.

 6. View discipline as an ongoing process of helping your children ultimately to become self-controlled and self-disciplined.

 7. Pray daily for each member of your family.

 8. Maintain family worship and Bible study in your home.

 9. Involve all family members in church activities.

 10. Participate in events your church will offer to help you grow as a Christian parent. Be imitators of God as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loves us.

————————————————–

[1] David Charlton, Proclaim 1. “Families For Hire,” The Christian Reader, November/December 1992, 75.

[2] Ogden Nash

[3] Willard Scott, Marriage Partnership, Vol. 8, no. 4.

[4] Dr. Joseph Bobbit, child psychologist.

      

 ——————————————–

How much do you love your children? How much do you love your grandchildren? To conscientious Christians, children and grandchildren represent one of life’s most important and unique treasures.

Few sacrifices are rejected if their well being is at stake. Regardless of circumstances, their well being is priority for parents or grandparents. At birth our concern is enormous, and that concern grows as they grow. In adolescent years, our concern passes description.

From years one to twenty-one, we make every possible preparation for their development and future. Does my child have a learning disability? Where can I get help for my child? Does my child have a medical problem? Where can I get treatment for my child? Does my child need special training? Where can I find it for my child?

We provide them the best educational opportunity we can afford. We create special opportunities for them in every form of development from athletics to talent. We alter our adult schedule and run ourselves crazy for them. We do everything possible to build their self-images, develop their skills, teach them poise, and give them advantages mentally, psychologically, and physically.

I pray you consider for a long time these things I share with you.

We as Christians understand parents have a spiritual responsibility to provide our children spiritual instruction and guidance.

That responsibility existed from Christianity’s beginning.

Ephesians 6:1-4 “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth. Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” (This refers to one of the Ten Commandments found in Exodus 20:12 with its focus on the responsibility on adult children.)

Parents focused on God provide their children a reason to obey them.

• If they honor God, they can obey their parents without problem.
• Parents have not abused them, neglected them, refused to love them, or done things to generate and nurture a lasting anger in them.
• Instead, the parents provide them an example of how to live a disciplined life devoted to God and His instructions.

Colossians 3:21 Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.

• Parents’ relationship with their children should not create and nurture a continuing frustration producing a state of discontentment.
• The severity and fault finding that destroys the spirit should not characterize the parents’ relationship with their children.
• Parents, do not be deceived into believing that our parental faith in and commitment to Jesus Christ guarantees our children automatically will become Christian adults.

The Old Testament has a number of examples of godly persons whose children did not follow God.

Perhaps the greatest period of Israelite godliness came in Joshua’s leadership.

Judges 2:7 “The people served the Lord all the days of Joshua, and all the days of the elders who survived Joshua, who had seen all the great work of the Lord which He had done for Israel.”

What a testimony to godly influence!

Then Judges 2:10 notes, “All that generation also were gathered to their fathers; and there arose another generation after them who did not know the Lord, nor yet the work which He had done for Israel.”

I do not think you could convince me that Joshua did not teach godliness to his children. Yet, his descendants did not follow God. I conclude they were deliberately ignorant and willfully forgetful.

Samuel was a powerful spiritual influence in Israel in an extremely ungodly period.

Listen to 1 Samuel 8:3 “His sons, however, did not walk in his ways, but turned aside after dishonest gain and took bribes and perverted justice.”

King David made some serious mistakes, but he was a man whose love for God included the knowledge of repentance.

We are still blessed by some of his powerful thoughts. In the New Testament he is still known as the man after God’s own heart. Yet, many of his children were truly ungodly.

Hezekiah led one of Judah’s few spiritual reforms.

Listen to 2 Kings 18:3, 5 “He did right in the sight of the Lord, according to all that his father David had done.  …He trusted in the Lord, the God of Israel; so that after him there was none like him among all the kings of Judah, nor among those who were before him.”

Now listen to what is said about his son, Manasseh in 2 Kings 21:2, 9: “He did evil in the sight of the Lord, according to the abominations of the nations whom the Lord dispossessed before the sons of Israel. …But they did not listen, and Manasseh seduced them to do evil more than the nations whom the Lord destroyed before the sons of Israel.”

The New Testament covers too brief a historical period to include such detail. The most important factor in determining what your child becomes as a spiritual adult is the person he or she marries. Your child will make that choice largely to your exclusion. You will not choose the person your child “falls in love” with. You will not choose how the experience of “falling in love” will affect your child. If you try to exercise an inflexible control over the people your child dates, you likely will severely injure your relationship with your child.

While you certainly must provide guidance, there are restrictions on the guidance you can provide.

Attempts to provide inflexible control can alienate, create an unhealthy dependence, or drive your child to the person of your disapproval.

If you try to structure, control, direct, or alter your child’s marriage, you create more serious problems than you correct. Rarely is continuous parental involvement in a child’s marriage constructive. Attempting to “run or fix” a child’s marriage often produces undesirable results:

• Anger
• Alienation
• Resentment
• Impeding or destroying their maturing process.
• Destruction of healthy independence.
• Creation of a sick dependence on the parent.
• Interference in a child’s marriage can produce many bad things and few good things.

We should understand that. Look at the impact of your parents’ unwanted advice and interference in your marriage. Recall the problems, stress, anger, and complications produced when your parents felt like they needed to structure an aspect of your marriage. Do not deceive yourself into believing your actions will be viewed as constructive and thereby appreciated. The possibility of your child experiencing a serious marriage crisis is frightening.

The fact that you provide them the best home, best training, best environment, and best spiritual foundation you can provide does not eliminate the possibility of your child experiencing a serious marriage crisis.

Your initial reaction may be, “That cannot be true!”

For the sake of reflection, recall married people you know from 5 years younger than you to 5 years older than you. How many people did you go to school, college, or church with who are now divorced, separated, or in deeply troubled marriages? And those are just the situations your know about! Every major social influence in this society (today) works against “once for life” marriage, not in support of it. Consider a living nightmare.

• You witness your own child in an abusive, unloving, selfish, inconsiderate marriage.
• You watch as it happens causing your child suffering, pain, and agony.
• You see what this is doing to your child as a person.
• You witness your grandchildren in such a marriage.
• As you watch, there is little you can do.
• You cannot fix it.
• You cannot “make it go away.”
• You do not dare try to take control for fear of making things worse.
• You cannot make the relationship healthy.

If such happens in your family, let me suggest what to pray for.

1. Pray he or she is in a congregation that believes in loving those that hurt and reaches out to those who are troubled.
2. Pray he or she is part of a people who help the distressed.
3. Pray he or she is not part of a congregation who turns it back on “Christians who have problems like that.”
4. Pray they are under a compassionate eldership who believes in shepherding.
5. Pray they are under elders who know how to listen and be understanding.
6. Pray they know how to be constructively supportive.
7. Pray they believe in keeping confidences.
8. Pray they are in a congregation devoted to administrating Jesus’ spiritual healing.
9. Pray that scripturally uninformed members do not control the congregation.
10. Pray their congregation is not filled with Christians who feel it is their duty to say:
    • “If you genuinely believed in Christ, you would not have a problem like that.”
    • “Real Christians do not have marriage problems.”
    • “You are not a spiritual person.”
    • “If you trusted God like I do, this never would have happened.”

Constantly help us be a congregation that brings the troubled to Jesus’ forgiving healing, to Jesus’ compassion, to Jesus’ hope, to Jesus’ help. Help us want to be just Christians who are not afraid to let Jesus teach us how to compassionately care. Help us be a people that troubled Christians can turn to without fear because we are ruled by the Great Physician. Help us be the kind of people who care in the same way the first congregations cared.

Why do this? We want to be just Christians. We want to be a congregation of people who fit the image of Jesus’ expectations. We want to be an oasis of spiritual healing for ourselves, our children, and our grandchildren when worlds collapse and life falls apart. In a world filled with hopeless struggle, we want to be a refreshing place of healing. May we each say, “That attitude begins with me.”

      

 ——————————————–

How much do you love your children? How much do you love your grandchildren? To conscientious Christians, children and grandchildren represent one of life’s most important and unique treasures.

Few sacrifices are rejected if their well being is at stake. Regardless of circumstances, their well being is priority for parents or grandparents. At birth our concern is enormous, and that concern grows as they grow. In adolescent years, our concern passes description.

From years one to twenty-one, we make every possible preparation for their development and future. Does my child have a learning disability? Where can I get help for my child? Does my child have a medical problem? Where can I get treatment for my child? Does my child need special training? Where can I find it for my child?

We provide them the best educational opportunity we can afford. We create special opportunities for them in every form of development from athletics to talent. We alter our adult schedule and run ourselves crazy for them. We do everything possible to build their self-images, develop their skills, teach them poise, and give them advantages mentally, psychologically, and physically.

I pray you consider for a long time these things I share with you.

We as Christians understand parents have a spiritual responsibility to provide our children spiritual instruction and guidance.

That responsibility existed from Christianity’s beginning.

Ephesians 6:1-4 “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth. Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” (This refers to one of the Ten Commandments found in Exodus 20:12 with its focus on the responsibility on adult children.)

Parents focused on God provide their children a reason to obey them.

• If they honor God, they can obey their parents without problem.
• Parents have not abused them, neglected them, refused to love them, or done things to generate and nurture a lasting anger in them.
• Instead, the parents provide them an example of how to live a disciplined life devoted to God and His instructions.

Colossians 3:21 Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.

• Parents’ relationship with their children should not create and nurture a continuing frustration producing a state of discontentment.
• The severity and fault finding that destroys the spirit should not characterize the parents’ relationship with their children.
• Parents, do not be deceived into believing that our parental faith in and commitment to Jesus Christ guarantees our children automatically will become Christian adults.

The Old Testament has a number of examples of godly persons whose children did not follow God.

Perhaps the greatest period of Israelite godliness came in Joshua’s leadership.

Judges 2:7 “The people served the Lord all the days of Joshua, and all the days of the elders who survived Joshua, who had seen all the great work of the Lord which He had done for Israel.”

What a testimony to godly influence!

Then Judges 2:10 notes, “All that generation also were gathered to their fathers; and there arose another generation after them who did not know the Lord, nor yet the work which He had done for Israel.”

I do not think you could convince me that Joshua did not teach godliness to his children. Yet, his descendants did not follow God. I conclude they were deliberately ignorant and willfully forgetful.

Samuel was a powerful spiritual influence in Israel in an extremely ungodly period.

Listen to 1 Samuel 8:3 “His sons, however, did not walk in his ways, but turned aside after dishonest gain and took bribes and perverted justice.”

King David made some serious mistakes, but he was a man whose love for God included the knowledge of repentance.

We are still blessed by some of his powerful thoughts. In the New Testament he is still known as the man after God’s own heart. Yet, many of his children were truly ungodly.

Hezekiah led one of Judah’s few spiritual reforms.

Listen to 2 Kings 18:3, 5 “He did right in the sight of the Lord, according to all that his father David had done.  …He trusted in the Lord, the God of Israel; so that after him there was none like him among all the kings of Judah, nor among those who were before him.”

Now listen to what is said about his son, Manasseh in 2 Kings 21:2, 9: “He did evil in the sight of the Lord, according to the abominations of the nations whom the Lord dispossessed before the sons of Israel. …But they did not listen, and Manasseh seduced them to do evil more than the nations whom the Lord destroyed before the sons of Israel.”

The New Testament covers too brief a historical period to include such detail. The most important factor in determining what your child becomes as a spiritual adult is the person he or she marries. Your child will make that choice largely to your exclusion. You will not choose the person your child “falls in love” with. You will not choose how the experience of “falling in love” will affect your child. If you try to exercise an inflexible control over the people your child dates, you likely will severely injure your relationship with your child.

While you certainly must provide guidance, there are restrictions on the guidance you can provide.

Attempts to provide inflexible control can alienate, create an unhealthy dependence, or drive your child to the person of your disapproval.

If you try to structure, control, direct, or alter your child’s marriage, you create more serious problems than you correct. Rarely is continuous parental involvement in a child’s marriage constructive. Attempting to “run or fix” a child’s marriage often produces undesirable results:

• Anger
• Alienation
• Resentment
• Impeding or destroying their maturing process.
• Destruction of healthy independence.
• Creation of a sick dependence on the parent.
• Interference in a child’s marriage can produce many bad things and few good things.

We should understand that. Look at the impact of your parents’ unwanted advice and interference in your marriage. Recall the problems, stress, anger, and complications produced when your parents felt like they needed to structure an aspect of your marriage. Do not deceive yourself into believing your actions will be viewed as constructive and thereby appreciated. The possibility of your child experiencing a serious marriage crisis is frightening.

The fact that you provide them the best home, best training, best environment, and best spiritual foundation you can provide does not eliminate the possibility of your child experiencing a serious marriage crisis.

Your initial reaction may be, “That cannot be true!”

For the sake of reflection, recall married people you know from 5 years younger than you to 5 years older than you. How many people did you go to school, college, or church with who are now divorced, separated, or in deeply troubled marriages? And those are just the situations your know about! Every major social influence in this society (today) works against “once for life” marriage, not in support of it. Consider a living nightmare.

• You witness your own child in an abusive, unloving, selfish, inconsiderate marriage.
• You watch as it happens causing your child suffering, pain, and agony.
• You see what this is doing to your child as a person.
• You witness your grandchildren in such a marriage.
• As you watch, there is little you can do.
• You cannot fix it.
• You cannot “make it go away.”
• You do not dare try to take control for fear of making things worse.
• You cannot make the relationship healthy.

If such happens in your family, let me suggest what to pray for.

1. Pray he or she is in a congregation that believes in loving those that hurt and reaches out to those who are troubled.
2. Pray he or she is part of a people who help the distressed.
3. Pray he or she is not part of a congregation who turns it back on “Christians who have problems like that.”
4. Pray they are under a compassionate eldership who believes in shepherding.
5. Pray they are under elders who know how to listen and be understanding.
6. Pray they know how to be constructively supportive.
7. Pray they believe in keeping confidences.
8. Pray they are in a congregation devoted to administrating Jesus’ spiritual healing.
9. Pray that scripturally uninformed members do not control the congregation.
10. Pray their congregation is not filled with Christians who feel it is their duty to say:
    • “If you genuinely believed in Christ, you would not have a problem like that.”
    • “Real Christians do not have marriage problems.”
    • “You are not a spiritual person.”
    • “If you trusted God like I do, this never would have happened.”

Constantly help us be a congregation that brings the troubled to Jesus’ forgiving healing, to Jesus’ compassion, to Jesus’ hope, to Jesus’ help. Help us want to be just Christians who are not afraid to let Jesus teach us how to compassionately care. Help us be a people that troubled Christians can turn to without fear because we are ruled by the Great Physician. Help us be the kind of people who care in the same way the first congregations cared.

Why do this? We want to be just Christians. We want to be a congregation of people who fit the image of Jesus’ expectations. We want to be an oasis of spiritual healing for ourselves, our children, and our grandchildren when worlds collapse and life falls apart. In a world filled with hopeless struggle, we want to be a refreshing place of healing. May we each say, “That attitude begins with me.”

Men’s Life magazine surprised itself with a survey – asking its readers “What’s the most important thing in your life?”  And no, it was not sex, it was not career, it was neither fame nor fortune. The most important things to 63 percent of the men were their wives and ninety percent of married men called their wives their best friend.[1]

I am one fortunate guy. I married the ‘love of my life’ and get to spend every day with her, soon to be our 34th year.  She is my best friend! Perhaps the only one who could stand me for 42 years, 10 months, 19 days, 56 hours and 36 minutes (exact at the moment this is being written)…and counting!

She was in my parent’s prayers since before our births, and in my deepest, most private utterances to God since the early teen years.

It’s tempting to suggest that I am one lucky guy, except that it was more than luck that we found each other when we did. Too many things simply had to be worked out by God!

Norman Douglas said “to find a friend one must close one eye; to keep him, two.” That might be one way TJ looks at me?

It is true that a friend is one who knows all about you and likes you just the same. Terry is my friend, one who knows me as I am, understands where I’ve been, accepts who I’ve become, and still, gently invites me to grow. She one who makes me be my best.

She has a special quotation: “A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.”

Our marriage is a series of successive surprises. Happily married couples appreciate what they each bring to the relationship. Their union is more than just the process of addition. One plus one now equals a deep sense of valuing and being valued.

We’re working every day on our friendship. Our friendship depends on mutual care and a sense of trust.  We’ve come to know that old friends are as comfortable as our favorite pair of shoes.  New ones are as exciting as the best of life’s adventures.  And best of all, having friends gives us the privilege of being a friend.

I wish we knew the author who wrote:

There are those who pass like ships in the night. Who meet for a moment, then sail out of sight

With never a backward glance of regret; Folks we know briefly then quickly forget.

Then there are friends who sail together Through quiet waters and stormy weather

Helping each other through joy and through strife. And they are the kind who give meaning to life.

 

One man summarized what he had learned during a Dale Carnegie course: If you want to keep friends and have people like you, there are three things you must never do. Each one of these begins with a “C”. The first one is, “Never complain”; the second, “Never condemn;” and the last one, “Never criticize.”

I especially find C. S. Lewis’ words delightful: ‘Eros will have naked bodies; friendship naked personalities.”  I suppose anything you can do together as a couple helps strengthen your marriage.

I heard Dr. Dobson on a radio station describe a problem I‘ve seen several times in marriages.  The bride expects her new husband to always be romantic and to carry her emotionally.  The groom expects to be able to go out to conquer the world and come home at night to his “help meet” who will stroke his male ego, bragging on him for the way he provides for the family.  Dr. Dobson called both of these two selfish.  He says that each partner in a marriage should look for ways to take care of the other.  My job is to love my wife, not to evaluate her support of me.  I believe that sounds like Paul in Ephesians 5:25.  He writes, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

The Bible says iron sharpens iron–butter doesn’t sharpen iron. A man must be strong in who he is and a woman must be strong in who she is, like two pieces of iron. Sure, they’ll rub together and it won’t always be pleasant. But it will be beneficial. Working through their differences is what makes couples strong.

I love the poem that describes what I enjoy: O, the comfort — the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, Having neither to weigh thoughts, Nor measure words — but pouring them right out — just as they are — Chaff and grain together, Certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them — Keep what is worth keeping — And with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.[2]

Real friends don’t care if your socks don’t match. Real friends have a great time doing absolutely nothing together. A real friend warms you by her presence, trusts you with her secrets, and remembers you in her prayers.

Our friends are the people whom we choose; usually friends are the same sort of people as ourselves. My neighbor is the man whom I do not choose; he is the man whom God gives to me. He is the man who happens to live in the house next to mine; he is the man who happens to sit opposite to me in the train; he is the clerk who works at the desk next to mine. I have no right to say that he is no concern of mine, because, if I am a Christian, I know that he is the man whom God has given to me.

A friend is one who warns you. A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you today just the way you are.

Are you cultivating such friends?  Are you being a friend?  Are there a few folks who will stand near you, sheltering you with their branches?

Jay Kesler has said that one of his great hopes in life is to wind up with at least eight people who will attend his funeral without once checking their watches.  I love it!  Do you have eight people who’ll do that? [3]

“Two boys in the last war were devoted pals and friends. After a bitter battle one day, one of the boys found that his pal was missing and knew that he was somewhere out there in No-man’s Land.  He asked for permission to go out after his friend but the commander said it was no use for no one was alive out there after the withering fire of many hours.  After great insistence, he was finally given permission to go.  Some time later he came back with the limp body of his friend over his shoulder. The commander said, “Didn’t I tell you it was no use to go?”  to which the boy replied with radiance in his eyes, “But it was.  I got there in time to hear him whisper, ‘I knew you’d come.'”

We don’t know the source of these words, but they speak to all of us who have that ‘special person’ in our life: A friend is: a push when you’ve stopped, a word when you’re lonely, a guide when you’re searching, a smile when you’re sad,  a song when you’re glad.

A friend will joyfully sing with you when you are on the mountaintop, and silently walk beside you through the valley.

Our model for friendship is that of the Christian and Jesus Christ, who said to His disciples, “You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.” (John 15:14-15). Out of this passage we can compile a list of things for which we are chosen and to which we are called:

We are chosen for joy.  However, hard the Christian way is, it is, both in the travelling and in the goal, the way of joy.  There is always a joy in doing the right thing.  The Christian is the man of joy, the laughing cavalier of Christ.  A gloomy Christian is a contradiction in terms, and nothing in all religious history has done Christianity more harm than its connection with black clothes and long faces.  It is true that the Christian is a sinner, but he is a redeemed sinner; and therein lies his joy.  How can any man fail to be happy when he walks the ways of life with Jesus?

We are chosen for love.  We are sent out into the world to love one another.  Sometimes we live as if we were sent into the world to compete with one another, or to dispute with one another, or even to quarrel with one another.  But the Christian is to live in such a way that he shows what is meant by loving his fellow men.  It is here that Jesus makes another of his great claims.  If we ask him:  What right have you to demand that we love one another?  His answer is:  “No man can show greater love than to lay down his life for his friends-and I did that.” Many a man tells men to love each other, when his whole life is a demonstration that that is the last thing he does himself.  Jesus gave men a commandment which he had himself first fulfilled.

Jesus called us to be his friends.  He tells his men that he does not call them slaves any more; he calls them friends.  Now that is a saying which would be even greater to those who heard it for the first time than it is to us.  Doulos, the slave, the servant of God was no title of shame; it was a title of the highest honour.  Moses was the doulos of God (Deuteronomy 34:5); so was Joshua (Joshua 24:29); so was David (Psalm 89:20).  It is a title which Paul counted it an honour to use (Titus 1:1); and so did James (James 1:1).

The greatest men in the past had been proud to be called the douloi, the slaves of God.  And Jesus says:  “I have something greater for you yet, you are no longer slaves; you are friends.”  Christ offers an intimacy with God which not even the greatest men knew before he came into the world.

The idea of being the friend of God has also a background.  Abraham was the friend of God (Isaiah 41:8).  In Wisdom 7:27, wisdom is said to make men the friends of God.  But this phrase is lit up by a custom which obtained both at the courts of the Roman Emperors and of the eastern kings.  At these courts there was a very select group of men called the friends of the king, or the friends of the Emperor.  At all times they had access to the king:  they had even the right to come to his bedchamber at the beginning of the day.  He talked to them before he talked to his generals, his rulers, and his statemen.  The friends of the king were those who had the closest and the most intimate connection with him.

Jesus called us to be his friends and the friends of God.  That is a tremendous offer.  It means that no longer do we need to gaze longingly at God from afar off; we are not like slaves who have no right whatever to enter into the presence of the master; we are not like a crowd whose only glimpse of the king is in the passing on some state occasion.  Jesus gave us this intimacy with God, so that he is no longer a distant stranger, but our close friend.

Jesus did not only choose us for a series of tremendous privileges.  He called us to be his partners.  The slave could never be a partner.  He was defined in Greek law as a living tool.  His master never opened his mind to him; the slave simply had to do what he was told without reason and without explanation.  But Jesus said:  “You are not my slaves; you are my partners.  I have told you everything; I have told you what I am trying to do, and why I am trying to do it.  I have told you everything which God told me.”  Jesus has given us the honour of making us partners in his task.  He has shared his mind with us, and opened his heart to us.  The tremendous choice laid before us is that we can accept or refuse partnership with Christ in the work of leading the world to God.

Jesus chose to be ambassadors.  “I have chose you,” he said, “to send you out.”  He did not choose us to live a life retired from the world, but to represent him in the world.  When a knight came to the court of King Arthur, he did not come to spend the rest of his days in knightly feasting and in knightly fellowship there.  He came to the king saying:  “Send me out on some great task which I can do for chivalry and for you.”  Jesus chose us, first to come in to him, and then to go out to the world.  And that must be the daily pattern and rhythm of our lives.

Jesus chose us to be advertisements.  He chose us to go out to bear fruit, and to bear fruit which will stand the test of time.  The way to spread Christianity is to be Christian.  The way to bring others into the Christian faith is to show them the fruit of the Christian life.  Jesus sends us out, not to argue men into Christianity, still less to threaten them into it, but to attract them into it; so to live that its fruits may be so wonderful that others will desire them for themselves. [4]

Believers form a bond of “friends,” a spiritual bond founded by Christ Himself. Being a “friend” of Jesus is conditional. A person has to know and do His commandments in order to be a friend. The implication is clear: there is no way to be His friend apart from knowing what He says. It is His Word that tells men about Him. Therefore, a person has to diligently seek to learn His Word and to do what He says in order to know Him and to become His friend.

The point is clear: friends relate and commune with each other, share and respond to the word of each other, rejoicing when the word or conversation is that of joy; and helping when the word or request is that of needing help. They come to each other’s assistance, in both good and bad occasions.

Two men were traveling together, when a bear suddenly met them on their path.  One of them climbed up quickly into a tree and concealed himself in the branches.  The other, seeing that he must be attacked, fell flat on the ground, and when the bear came up and felt him with his snout, and smelt him all over, he held his breath, and feigned the appearance of death as much as he could.

The bear soon left him, for it is said he will not touch a dead body.  When he was quite gone, the other traveler descended from the tree, and jocularly inquired of his friend what it was the bear had whispered in his ear.  “He gave me this advice,” his companion replied.  “Never travel with a friend who deserts you at the approach of danger.”

Jesus Christ revealed and made known exactly what God told Him. It is the Word of God that gives birth and structure to the bond of “friends.” Our relationship with Him brings substance and purpose. It provides focus as we seek to “work out our salvation” (bring it to maturity) in our daily endeavors. And what is done is for God’s glory, not ours!

When the first World War ended, the King and Queen of Belgium wanted to honor President Herbert Hoover for the aid they had received during the war from the United States. After considering the various honors, the monarch offered Hoover his choice of three decorations.  President rejected all of the honors stating: “You have stood at the gateway of civilization and held back the tide of aggression, while we have only shared with you what we had to give.  For that one does not ask for honors.” The King and Queen responded, “He is our very great friend.” Desiring to adequately express their appreciation for his efforts, they created a new order to which Hoover alone belonged, “Friend of the Belgian people.”

We need to complete the apostle John’s instruction, because being a ‘friend of Christ’ has obligation and brings opportunity: “You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit–fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.” (John 15:16)

The supreme purpose of believers is to go and bear fruit. Believers are the chosen and ordained of Christ, and they have been given the very same purpose of Christ Himself: to go into all the world and bear fruit among men. This is one of the great verses of Scripture.

Most of us have many acquaintances but very few friends, and even some of our friends may prove unfriendly or even unfaithful. What about Judas? “Yes, mine own familiar friend, in whom I trusted, which did eat of my bread, hath lifted up his heel against me” (Ps. 41:9). Even a devoted friend may fail us when we need him most. Peter, James, and John went to sleep in the Garden when they should have been praying; and Peter even denied the Lord three times. Our friendship to each other and to the Lord is not perfect, but His friendship to us is perfect.

One day while he was a fugitive, David was near Bethlehem, his home city, and he longed for a drink of water from the well by the gate. Three of his mighty men were close enough to David to hear his sigh, and they risked their lives to bring their king the water that he wanted (2 Sam. 23:15-17). That is what it means to be a friend of the king.

Believers are not called to be an exclusive club of retirees who have it made and who can go about doing what they want, knowing they are eternally secure. Believers are the ambassadors of Christ in the world. Once they have been saved, their duty—their sole reason for being appointed and left in this world—is to deliver the message of their King.

Loneliness is a growing problem in our society. A study by the American Council of Life Insurance reported that the most lonely group in America are college students. That’s surprising! Next on the list are divorced people, welfare recipients, single mothers, rural students, housewives, and the elderly. To point out how lonely people can be, Charles Swindoll mentioned an ad in a Kansas newspaper. It read, “I will listen to you talk for 30 minutes without comment for $5.00.” Swindoll said, “Sounds like a hoax, doesn’t it? But the person was serious. Did anybody call? You bet. It wasn’t long before this individual was receiving 10 to 20 calls a day. The pain of loneliness was so sharp that some were willing to try anything for a half hour of companionship.”

Vance Packard called us “a nation of strangers.” Louise Bernikow calls loneliness “an American epidemic.” A T & T urges us to “reach out and touch someone.” The television, computer, and bank-teller machine eliminate the need for others. It doesn’t have to be that way!

Paul Simon of Simon & Garfunkle wrote the following lyrics:

      Don’t talk of love, I’ve heard the word before; It’s sleeping in my memory of feelings that have died.

      I have no need of friendship, friendship causes pain.  If I never loved, I never would have cried.

      I am a rock; I am an island.  I have my books and my poetry to protect me.

      Shielded in my armor,  Hiding in my room,  Deep within my womb,

      I touch no one and no one touches me.  I am a rock; I am an island.

 

Maybe Paul’s trouble can be summed up in the little word I.

Unless and until we can live with ourselves, we cannot live with other people. But equally, unless and until we have learnt to live fully and creatively with others we cannot hope to live with ourselves. [5]

An English publication offered a prize for the best definition of a friend.  Among the thousands of entries received were the following: “One who multiplies joys, divides grief”; “One who understands our silence”; “A volume of sympathy bound in cloth”; and “A watch which beats true for all time and never runs down.”   But the entry which won the prize said, “A friend–the one who comes in when the whole world has gone out.”

Often the most loving thing we can do when a friend is in pain is to share the pain–to be there even when we have nothing to offer except our presence and even when being there is painful to ourselves.

This was pointed out in a poignant way due to funeral recently. A relative of a close friend had passed away suddenly and it was difficult on the family. I wanted to be of comfort but didn’t really know what to say.

I went to the side of the casket with my friend and just stood in silence; words simply were not there. After a few minutes, we moved away and hug, again in silence.

Later, at home, I ‘kicked myself’ for not ‘doing more…saying more, wanting to be a strong support.’

A few days later, a letter came in the mail: “Thanks for being there. I couldn’t have made it without you,” my friend wrote. Sometimes just our caring presence makes the difference!

Mr. Alter’s fifth-grade class at Lake Elementary School in Oceanside, California, included fourteen boys who had no hair. Only one, however, had no choice in the matter. Ian O’Gorman, undergoing chemotherapy for lymphoma, faced the prospect of having his hair fall out in clumps. So he had his head shaved. But then 13 of his classmates shaved their heads, so Ian wouldn’t feel out of place.

“If everybody has his head shaved, sometimes people don’t know who’s who,” said 11-year-old Scott Sebelius in an Associated Press story (March 1994). “They don’t know who has cancer, and who just shaved their head.” Ten-year-old Kyle Hanslik started it all. He talked to some other boys, and before long they all trekked to the barber shop.

“The last thing he would want is to not fit in,” said Kyle. “We just wanted to make him feel better.” Ian’s father, Shawn, choked back tears as he talked about what the boys had done. He said simply, “It’s hard to put words to.” [6]

“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” (Gal. 6:2).

Across the grasslands of East Africa, live some of nature’s most fascinating animals.  The rhinoceros, a two-horned terror of tremendous speed, size and agility, is feared by most of the creatures in the wild.  Being one of the most dangerous animals in the world, the rhino is avoided by most animals, that is, except the buffalo bird. Watching the rhinoceros in his natural habitat, you would see these birds perched on his back.  From time to time, some would be pecking into his back much as a woodpecker would work away at an old tree.  Others would be flying about the head of the rhino and still others lighting on his ears and pecking away.

The most amazing thing is that the rhino does not attack, for the two have an understanding. From birth, the rhino has poor eyesight.  In addition, his body is covered with parasites which he cannot control.  The flock of birds on his back do him a great service by eating these parasites, which are the whole of their diet.  If there is any danger in the area, these birds let out a shrill call warning the rhino of what he cannot see.

In return for this service, they are protected from their natural predators by one of Africa’s largest mammals. In a real sense, these two totally different animals of the world kingdom are fulfilling the responsibilities of mutual friendship.

Helen Keller once said, “With the death of every friend I love — a part of me has been buried — but their contribution to my being of happiness, strength and understanding remains to sustain me in an altered world.”

Sam Davis was a Confederate spy executed at Pulaski, Tennessee, for his crime. When captured by the Union army, he had in his possession some papers of vital importance.  After examining the case closely, the officers in charge knew he must have had an accomplice in securing the papers.  He was court-martialed, led out before the firing squad and blindfolded.  Then the officer in charge put forward a proposition: “If you will give us the name of the man who furnished you this information, you may go free.” Sam Davis did not hesitate in his reply, “If I had a thousand lives I would give them all before I would betray a friend.” “Loyalty thou are indeed a gem, seldom found in the hearts of men.”  Most of us would be better off if we had a friend like Sam Davis.

It was an unusual occasion in Dallas.  The men ranged from early 30’s to 45. Before the price of oil plummeted, a number of them had been making more than $1 million a year.  Now they were meeting in a hotel on a retreat.  They were discussing perseverance. . . how to survive. . . how to make it. Some were unemployed.  Some had lost their homes.  Some had lost their businesses.  As I recall, one or two had lost their wives. Some were still shocked that a Texas oil economy could plummet.  They were talking about what it takes to persevere under such adverse circumstances. One book that came into great discussion by Jim Smith, the leader of the group, was  The Friendless  American Male. You see, women build a friendship primarily by sharing.  But American males primarily build a friendship through activities. When you’re hard pressed, when you begin to doubt your own ability, when you realize that what comes up can also come down, when you’re hurt and on the inside bleeding. . . you need a friend.  A SAFE friend.  A friend with whom you can share not just the bright side of your life. . . but the dark side of your life.  Not just the ups . . . but also the downs. That’s why each man present at this retreat was urged: “If you don’t have one friend, by all means, get one!  Try out how safe you are with him.  Share a confidence with him. . . see if it gets back to you be repetition.  Gradually see how much you can trust him. . .  so that you can at least bare your soul with one human being on the face of the earth. Because everyone needs such a friend.”

The king of the comics, as far as I’m concerned, is still Peanuts by Charles Schulz. I love Linus, Lucy, Schroeder, Pigpen, the Little Red-Haired Girl, and Charlie Brown. There’s a ring of reality to their relationships.

One sequence comes to mind. Linus has just written a comic strip of his own, and he wants Lucy’s opinion. In the first frame, he tentatively hands Lucy his comic strip and says, “Lucy, would you read this and tell me if you think it is funny?”

In the next frame, you see Lucy patting her foot, and a little bit of a grin comes across her face. She looks at Linus and says, “Well, Linus, who wrote this?”

Linus with his chest heaved out and a great big grin says, “Lucy, I wrote that.”

In the next frame, you see Lucy wadding it up, throwing it to the side, and saying, “Well, then, I don’t think it’s very funny.”

In the final frame, you see Linus picking up his comic strip, throwing his blanket over his shoulder, looking at Lucy and saying, “Big sisters are the crab grass in the lawn of life.”

We find that humorous. I dare say if you and I thought long and hard enough, we’d remember being the crab grass in the lawn of somebody else’s life. None of us wants to be a loser. None of us wants to be a source of discouragement. And yet, if we’re not careful, we can find ourselves being more pessimistic than optimistic, more discouraging than encouraging. [7]

Insomuch as anyone pushes you nearer to God, he or she is your friend. When Justin Armour was a rookie wide receiver with the Buffalo Bills, some veteran teammates invited him to a preseason party. Justin went, and couldn’t believe what he saw: Gorgeous women everywhere, offering free sex to any of the guys who wanted it.

“It was the most eye-opening experience I’ve ever had,” Justin says. “I had heard about things like this, but I was so naive. I got out of there as fast as I could!”

As a single Christian guy, Justin had committed to saving sex for marriage. To do so, he knows he’s got to run from temptation.

“I’d rather not have my mind polluted by those things. Once you’ve been in a couple situations where’s there’s temptation, you learn how to avoid them and you don’t go back.” Justin also calls his best friend and accountability partner, Steve Stenstrom.

“You need someone to hold you accountable for walking with Christ,” says Justin. “Steve does that for me. He knows everything about my life, good and bad, and there’s nothing he won’t hold me accountable for.” [8]

Henson Towne wrote: Around the corner I have a friend, In this great city that has no end. Yet days go by and weeks rush on,  And before I know it a year is gone, And I never see my old friend’s face; For life is a swift and terrible race. He knows I like him just as well as in the days when I rang his bell and he rang mine.

“We were younger then…and now we are busy, tired men…tired with playing a foolish game; tired with trying to make a name. “Tomorrow,” I say, “I will call on Jim, just to show that I’m thinking of him. But tomorrow comes — and tomorrow goes; and the distance between us grows and grows. Around the corner! — yet miles away… “here’s a telegram, sir.” “Jim died today.” And that’s what we get — and deserve in the end — around the corner; a vanished friend.”

As the movie Brian’s Song poignantly depicted, the friendship between Gale Sayers and Brian Piccolo deepened into one of the best relationships in the history of sports.

Then, during the 1969 season, Piccolo was cut down with cancer. He fought to play the season out, but he was in hospitals more than he was in the games. Gale Sayers flew to be beside him as often as possible.

They had planned, with their wives, to sit together at the Professional Football Writers annual dinner in New York, where Sayers was to be given the George S. Halas Award as the most courageous player in pro football. But instead Pick was confined to his bed at home. As he stood to receive the award, tears sprang to Sayer’s eyes. The ordinarily laconic black athlete had this to say as he took the trophy:

“You flatter me by giving me this award, but I tell you here and now that I accept it for Brian Piccolo. Brian Piccolo is the man of courage who should receive the George S. Halas Award. I love Brian Piccolo and I’d like you to love him. Tonight, when you hit your knees, please ask God to love him too.”

“I love Brian Piccolo.” How often do we hear men say words such as those? But how much more enriched our lives could be if we dared to declare our affection as Sayers did that night in New York.

Alan Loy McGinnis relates the following: “In my hometown an obscure nurseryman died recently. His name was Hubert Bales, and he was the shyest man I ever met. When he talked, he squirmed, blinked his eyes rapidly, and smiled nervously. Hubert never ran in influential circles. He grew shrubs and trees, working with his hands the plot of land left by his father. He was anything but an extrovert.

“Yet when Hubert died, his funeral was the largest in the history of our little town. There were so many people that they filled even the balcony of the church. Why did such a shy man win the hearts of so many people? Simply because, for all his shyness, Hubert knew how to make friends. He had mastered the principles of caring, and for more than 60 years he had put people first. Perhaps because they recognized that his generosity of spirit was an extra effort for someone so retiring, people loved him back. By the hundreds.”

Henry Penn, former president of the Society of American Florists, tells what he calls one of the most memorable incidents of his life as a florist. One day two boys and a girl about ten years of age made a visit to his store. They wore ragged clothes, but had clean faces and hands. The boys took off their caps when they entered the shop. One of them stepped forward and said solemnly, “We’re the committee and we’d like some very nice yellow flowers.”

Penn showed them some inexpensive spring flowers but the boy said, “I think we’d like something better than that.”

“Do they have to be yellow?” asked Penn.

“Yes, sir,” was the reply.

“Mickey would like even better if they were yellow because he had a yellow sweater.”

“Are these for a funeral?” the florist asked quietly.

The boy nodded. The girl turned to keep back the tears.

“She’s his sister,” the boy explained. “he was a good kid — a truck — yesterday — he was playing in the street. We saw it happen.”

Then the other boy added, “Us kids took up a collection. We got eighteen cents. Would roses cost an awful lot, Mister? Yellow roses?”

Touched by the story of the tragedy and the loyalty and love of these youngsters, Penn replied, “I have some nice yellow roses here that I’m selling for eighteen cents a dozen.”

“Gee, those would be swell!” exclaimed one of the boys.

“Mickey would like those,” the other one confirmed.

“I’ll make up a nice spray,” promised the sympathetic florist, “with ferns and a ribbon. Where shall I send them?”

“Would it be all right, Mister, if we took ’em now?” asked one of the boys.

“We’d kinda like to take ’em over and give ’em to Mickey ourselves. He’d like it better that way.”

Penn accepted the eighteen cents. The “committee” carrying the kind of flowers “Mickey would like” walked out of the shop. Said Penn, “I felt uplifted for days. Unbeknownst to them, I had a part in their tribute to their friend.”

As Terry says often, “the best vitamin for making friends: B1.”

ten commandments of friendship

1. Speak to people — there is nothing as nice as a cheerful word of greeting.

2. Smile at people — it takes 72 muscles to frown, but only 14 to smile!

3. Call people by name — the sweetest music to anyone’s ear is the sound of their own name.

4. Be friendly and helpful — if you would have friends, be friendly.

5. Be cordial — speak and act as if everything you do were a real pleasure.

6. Be genuinely interested in people — you can like everyone IF YOU TRY.

7. Be generous with praise; cautious with criticism.

8. Be considerate of the feelings of others — it will be appreciated.

9. Be thoughtful of the opinions of others.

10. Be alert to give service — what counts most in life is what we do for others!

David Letterman’s Top 10 Signs You Have No Friends

1. No calls from salespeople pushing MCI’s “Friends and Family” plan.

2. You go to a video store and say out loud to yourself, “Well, what do you want to rent tonight?”

3. You send birthday cards to members of “The McLaughlin Group.”

4. You are one of the five best solitaire players in the world.

5. Your initials are G.S., and you own a Major League baseball team in the Bronx.

6. At your funeral, the entire eulogy is, “Yep, he’s dead.”

7. Having a Super Bowl party means dressing up your dogs and tying then to the furniture.

8. James Taylor sings the first bars of “You’ve Got a Friend,” notices you in the audience and stops.

9. You’re still drinking from the same keg you bought on New Year’s Eve 1987.

10. All your phone calls start with “900.” [9]

—————————————————————-

[1] Associated Press, 9/4/90

[2] The English poet and novelist, Dinah Craik

[3] Charles R. Swindoll, Hope Again, (Word, 1996), p. 121.

[4] Ibid, William Barclay.

[5] Esther de Waal in Living with Contradiction: Reflections on The Rule of St. Benedict.  Christianity Today, Vol. 40, no. 8.

[6] Sherman L. Burford, Fairmont, West Virginia. Leadership, Vol. 15, no. 3.

[7] Rod Cooper, “The Kiss of Encouragement,” Preaching Today, Tape No. 141.

[8] Mark Moring; Men of Integrity, Vol. 1, no. 1.

[9] Late Show With David Letterman,” CBS, Reader’s Digest, January 1996, p. 82.

Train up a child……easier said than done? Solomon said it best in Proverbs 22:6: “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”

The word “train” there speaks to a process whereby we instill into our child the desire (thirst) to do what is right. Training consists of two steps that involve three major activities. The first step is teaching; after teaching comes discipline.

 1. Teaching. Teaching covers two of the three activities. The first thing one does in teaching is to show what or how a thing is done. Then the teacher tells or explains the details of the lesson. After a child has been taught by being shown or told, he is ready for the last step in training – discipline. The word discipline comes from the word disciple, which means “a follower of.” The child is now ready to practice for himselfherself what the teacher has taught. For a child to be trained, he/she must follow what the teacher does and says.

For example, suppose you want to start training your two-year-old to put his toys away. First, you will show the child how to pick the toys up and how they are to be stored in the toy box. You will talk to the child as you go through the process of showing him all about putting his toys away.

 “Now, Jimmy, you put this toy away,” you direct him. The child goes and puts the toy away, following what he saw you do and heard you say. You have taken Jimmy through a process that can be repeated, but each time he is asked to put his toys away “please,” he will know exactly what to do.

    2. Discipline. Here it is important to point out two types of discipline: a. Self-discipline. This is when a child follows you willingly, doing what you show and tell him to do. He does it because it is something he wants to do. His will and yours are in agreement. When a child exercises self-discipline, training is most enjoyable. b. Inflicted discipline. This is when a child decides he doesn’t want to do as he has been told, and you must compel him to follow your lessons. You will accomplish this only by inflicting discipline upon him. If you are a new parent, please don’t get your hopes built up and form a false optimism that your child will always exercise self-discipline with regard to all of your teaching. Be fore-warned: obedience won’t just happen! There will be multitudes of times you will have to inflict discipline upon your little one in order to train him….and the sooner you do this to make him follow, the more quickly your child will develop and exercise his own self-discipline and good judgment.

Wisdom In Raising Children — It costs to acquire wisdom, but it’s worth it! It isn’t enough to own a study Bible and read books about the Bible, helpful as they are. It’s one thing to know about the Bible and quite something else to hear God speak through His Word and teach us His wisdom so that we become more like Jesus Christ.

   We should keep in mind two things: 1. Life is short; and 2. Our eternal existence is greatly influenced by how we live during this short life. It is imperative, then, that we not waste our time through rash and foolish decisions which not only jeopardize our eternal destiny but can also make this life miserable.

 The value of wisdom is especially seen in family relationships: “He who troubles his own house will inherit the wind.” (Prov. 11:29). Life is too short and families grow too fast for us to raise a family through “trial and error”

Consider what many people think is most important in providing for a family Many would say it is the “necessities” of life such as food and clothing, and a place of shelter. Most would feel that other things are also necessary such as the “finer things” (luxuries) for the children, which parents never had as children. A good “education” for the children,
so they too can be affluent.

1. Instilling a fear of the Lord  (reverence and awe) Proverbs 15:16: “Better is a little with the fear of the LORD Than great treasure and turmoil with it.”
2. Giving them love. Proverbs 15:17: “Better is a dish of vegetables where love is Than a fattened ox served with hatred.” Providing an environment where love reigns is more important than providing material abundance. Troubled children come from homes where “love” is lacking, not money!
3. Providing a peaceful family life. Proverbs 17:1: “Better is a dry morsel and quietness with it Than a house full of feasting with strife.”

    What can be done to insure adequate material provisions for the family: Be righteous! Proverbs 20:7: “A righteous man who walks in his integrity– How blessed are his sons after him.”
    Today that means putting the kingdom of God first in your life. Then God will watch out for you and providentially see that your needs are adequately met! Children of righteous parents are truly blessed! But parents who fail to put God first go through life without God’s providential help, and their children may suffer as a result! Inspired wisdom is explicit in the proper use of “corporeal punishment.” Used properly, it is a demonstration of true love. Proverbs 13:24: “He who withholds his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him diligently.”

Proper discipline has proper objectives Proverbs 22:15: “Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; The rod of discipline will remove it far from him.

Proverbs 23:13-14: “Do not hold back discipline from the child, Although you strike him with the rod, he will not die. You shall strike him with the rod And rescue his soul from Sheol.”

Proverbs 29:15: “The rod and reproof give wisdom, But a child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother.”

Proper discipline has its rewards Proverbs 29:17: “Correct your son, and he will give you comfort; He
will also delight your soul.”

Proverbs 19:18: “Discipline your son while there is hope, And do not desire his death.”

It is to be applied before the situation gets of out hand (“while there is hope”). It is also to be applied under controlled circumstances (“do not set your heart on his destruction”). i.e., do not put it off  until you strike in anger. There IS a difference between proper “spanking” and “child abuse”!

Look at these important points when you discipline your children, you’re acting like God discipline is a function of love, and appropriate punishment is not something done to a child but for the child spanking before 18 months of age is not wise and after 12 years of age is not effective it should be reserved for times of defiant or rebellious behavior when love is abundant at home, proper discipline (even a spanking) won’t be resented children are gifts from the Lord but between 15-36 months they don’t want to be restricted in any way. They are the most self-centered, manipulative, and controlling things on the planet…parents must be adults and be in charge.

James Dobson: “The proper time to begin disarming the teenage time bomb is 12 years before it arrives. “Children thrive best in an atmosphere of genuine love, undergirded by reasonable and consistent discipline. In a day of widespread drug usage, immorality, sexually transmitted diseases, vandalism, and violence, we must not depend on hope and luck to fashion the critical attitudes we value in our children. In those situations when the child fully understands what he is being asked to do or not to do but refuses to yield to adult leadership, an appropriate spanking is the shortest and most effective route to an attitude adjustment.” (The New Date to Discipline, page 28, 7, and 60-61).

Life is too short and families grow  too fast for us to raise a family  through “trial and error.”

Man’s domestic problems begin when he departs from God’s counsel regarding the home. This study is vital because our understanding of Christ’s relationship to the church is dependent upon His conception of the home. A reminder about Satan The first attack Satan made was against the home: he invaded Eden and led the first  husband and wife into disobedience and judgment.

He is called the “deceiver” and wants us to center our mind upon him, to make us  ignorant of God’s will in our life. He uses lies…Jesus tells us that “Satan is the Father of  all liars…that he cannot tell the truth because it just isn’t in him”….our defense is God’s Word!

He’s also called “the destroyer” and uses suffering in this world to make us impatient with God’s will…we need to remember the unmerited, unending grace that God bestows upon each of us when we choose Jesus and make Him Savior and Lord of our lives!

If he can’t get us through these means, Satan works on our pride and hopes to make us independent of God’s will.  Or he uses accusation as “the accuser” to work on the heart and the conscience to bring an indictment by God’s will.

1. Satan uses religious leaders today to forbid marriage (1 Tim. 4:1-3). Singleness is a Christian’s option but for most people, marriage is the will of God. Satan’s approach is to convince the person that marriage is sinful. Any teaching  that claims greater spiritual virtues and blessings for the celibate than for the married is of the devil and not from God.
2. Satan seeks to reverse the headship in the home (1 Tim. 2:11-13; Eph. 5:22-23).  He wants man to be concerned with dictatorship and forget the model of Christ as
   the head of the church; the husband ought to be the head of the wife in a living, loving
   relationship.

What is the answer to life’s difficulties and to Satan’s attacks on our homes? God!! It might be of some comfort to realize that the world has always been a difficult  place in which Christians must live. It has always been opposed to God’s values and God’s will. Satan longs for the soul of any age person who will reject good, right, and truth and turn to his way of thinking. Christians must daily remind themselves of the clear, simple words of Jesus, from Matthew 7:13-14: “Enter by the narrow gate; for the gate is wide, and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and many are those who enter by it.” {14} “For the gate is small, and the way is narrow that leads to life, and few are those who find it.”