Many in your situation experience these emotions and thoughts as their marriage is unraveling:

Devastated:  “I’ve lost my dream of marital happiness.”

Hopeless:  “I don’t know what to do.”

Pessimistic: “Even marriage counseling probably won’t help.”

Angry, especially if there’s been an affair: “How could he (or she) do this?”

Embarrassed:  “What will I tell my family, friends, and neighbors?”

Afraid: “How can I handle this financially? I’ve read that an average divorce in the U.S. costs over $20,000.”

Worried:  “How will the kids be affected if we divorce?”

Lonely: “How will I find someone else? I don’t want to deal with the dating scene again.”

When couples are asked to name the biggest challenge in their relationship, the number one complaint was “poor communication with my spouse.”  I’ve seen that poor communication has been a leading cause for couples to break up. Why, you ask?

Without good communication, you can’t have a satisfying marriage. When communication is blocked or non-existent, a relationship can’t thrive. So what can you do? If the communication in your marriage isn’t up to par, here are ten secrets to improved communication that can help:

1. Take a moment before you leap into a heavy discussion to center yourself and get in sync with your partner. Deliberately pace your breathing and energy with that of your spouse. If your spouse is relaxed and calm and you start the conversation in a fast-paced, agitated mode, this will feel jarring and unsettling to your spouse. It’s easier to shift the energy in a conversation if you start where the other person is energetically and then make small progressive changes if necessary.
2. To avoid making your spouse defensive, use the word “confused” when you can. Instead of saying, “I was furious that you deserted me at the party and never even came over to check to see how I was doing,” say “I know you care about me and my feelings, and want me to feel comfortable around your friends, so it was really confusing to feel so ignored and abandoned at the party.”
3. Check things out instead of jumping to conclusions or second guessing your spouse. Give him or her the benefit of the doubt by asking for clarification about what happened or what was intended. None of us can read another person’s mind, and yet we often assume we know what our spouse is thinking or intending—and we’re often off-base.
4. Cultivate a sense of teamwork with your spouse when you talk. Say things like, “It’s such a relief to finally have time to process this with you. I always feel better when I can talk things over with you because we’re good at coming up with solutions together. We’re a really good team.”
5. Use your spouse’s name during the conversation. It’s amazing how many couples don’t call each other by name very often. It’s much more intimate and bonding to say, “Maria, you’re always so wonderful about listening to me when I need to talk,” than to have a long conversation without using your partner’s name. People like to hear their names—it feels good. Even though you may use “Honey” or “Sweetheart” on a regular basis, use your partner’s name at least occasionally, also.
6. Give your spouse your undivided attention when you’re conversing, if at all possible. Of course, some short conversations take place when both partners are on the run, but for deep, meaningful communication, you’ll want to schedule time to talk when you can turn the TV and phone off and reduce the potential for interruption.
7. Make eye contact with your spouse when you talk with each other. It’s distracting and unsettling to talk to someone who is looking away or looking down and not making eye contact. It sends the message that you’re not really engaged in the conversation, and it shuts the communication door instead of opening it.
8. Keep your attention focused on the present moment. Resist the urge to think about what you’re going to do at work the next day or what happened yesterday. The other person can always feel the energy shift when you’re not fully present in the conversation.
9. Make scheduling time to communicate with your spouse a top priority. It’s easy for communication to get neglected, blocked, or damaged in the hurry-scurry of everyday life. But if your communication with your partner suffers, your marriage will suffer—either now or down the road.
10. Show respect for your spouse’s opinions, beliefs, and ideas, even if you think he or she is “wrong” or off-base. Instead of saying, “That’s a crazy idea,” say something like, “That’s an interesting idea. I hadn’t thought of it that way before. My personal opinion is different, and here’s why.” Remember, name calling or belittlement will stop honest communication because your partner won’t feel emotionally safe.

As the story goes, a Cherokee elder was sitting with his grandchildren. He told them, “In every life there is a terrible fight—a fight between two wolves. One wolf is evil: he is fear, anger, envy, greed, arrogance, self-pity, resentment, and deceit. The other wolf is good: joy, serenity, humility, confidence, generosity, truth, gentleness, and compassion.”

One of his grandchildren asked, “Grandfather, which wolf will win?” The elder looked him in the eye and replied, “The one you feed.”

This brief story contains a far-reaching truth. You choose which traits, attitudes, beliefs, and values you will give attention to. And what you focus on will grow and expand. For example, if you value honesty, this value will affect all of your dealings and interactions with others. If you nurture and “feed” resentment, it will eventually take over your life.

Continually focusing on marriage problems makes the relationship seem even worse than it actually is. If you continually talk about how you’ve been done wrong and how angry you are at your spouse, your anger will grow and blot out your memories of more positive times. When that happens, you are unable to see a balanced picture.

The more energy you devote to focusing on the negatives in your relationship, the worse and more hopeless everything seems. And when you’re feeding your negativity, your creative energy is frozen. Thus, you don’t have the ability to generate helpful options or a fresh perspective.

How to Change Your Perception of Reality

You influence your perception of reality by the thoughts you think, the beliefs you hold, and the attitudes you cultivate. According to Katherine Mansfield, “Could we change our attitude, we should not only see life differently, but life itself would come to be different. Life would undergo a change of appearance because we ourselves had undergone a change of attitude.”

In each moment, you decide whether to make negative or positive interpretations about the events and people in your life. These interpretations shape your experience of reality and impact your capacity to be all you can possibly be. They also affect your expectations about what is possible.

Choosing to develop qualities such as compassion, honesty, serenity, and joy can transform your marriage and your life. And choosing to reduce the resentment, anger, deceit, and fear in your life can lighten your emotional load and leave you will more energy to generate creative solutions to your marriage problems.

As you become more positive, you bring more positive energy into your interactions with your spouse. When this happens, surprising things can happen in your marriage. The sharp, prickly edge of anger can start to soften between you and your partner. New insights and understandings about a situation can occur, and you can be more likely to find the middle ground of compromise.

These Tips Will Help You

The following tips can assist you in training yourself to focus more on what’s right with your marriage and your life:

1. Take the time each day to list the things that you are grateful for in your life. Remember to include the things people often take for granted, such as three meals a day, a hot shower, heat, a stove and refrigerator, running water, medical care, and friends.
2. Each day, remind yourself of your spouse’s positive qualities and contributions to your life. Think back to what attracted you to your partner initially. Reflect on how your spouse has caused you to stretch and grow and on how much you’ve learned from the experience.
3. Write in your journal about what positive qualities in yourself you want to cultivate and develop. These are the attitudes, beliefs, and values that you want to focus on and encourage to take root, grow, and thrive in your life.
4. Visit a library or bookstore and select some inspirational reading material and inspirational tapes or CD’s. Find the time each day to read or listen to something that is positive, encouraging, and inspiring. It’s important to refill at the well of inspiration daily.
5. Spend less time with friends and family members who are negative and leave you feeling depressed and fatigued. There’s a name for those individuals who drain your positive energy—“energy vampires.” Instead, cultivate new friends who are positive, supportive, and encouraging and who bring out the best in you. — By Nancy Wasson, Ph.D.

Uh-oh: Your (seemingly innocent) daily habits—like scrolling through Insta in bed—could be destroying your marriage. “Research shows that there are a lot of little things people do that can indicate serious problems in relationships,” says Carrie Cole, a couples therapist and at the Center for Relationship Wellness in Houston. The good news? Even if you’re having problems now, it doesn’t mean you’re headed for a divorce. Couples are more likely to try to work things out—and break the bad habits they’ve developed—than they were even 10 years ago. Watch out for these bad habits that couples therapists say always end in a split.

Talking trash behind each other’s backs.

It might sound like advice on avoiding high school drama, but speaking in a mean-spirited way about your partner when he’s not around—not just poking innocent fun at his Star Wars obsession—is a red flag that, surprisingly, is pretty common, says Cole. And it could have a lot to do with your friends. “Women may fall into this habit if they’re surrounded by people doing the same thing,” she says. “If your close group of girl friends are constantly talking poorly about their own husbands, it may feel more normal for you to chime in and say, ‘You think yours is bad? Listen to mine.'” But in reality, it shines a light on a deeper issue, says Cole. “It shows a lack of respect for him and your connection, even if he never finds out,” she says, and starts a pattern of negative comparisons that can lead to even more criticism and contempt. Before you know it, your relationship is in a fast, downward spiral.

Fixating on what your hubs doesn’t do well.

Whether you’re remembering how hilarious your ex was—unlike your comparatively quiet husband—or wishing your guy was a door-opening gentleman like your friend’s husband, negatively comparing your spouse to others is another subtle kiss of death. “Even if you’re only making notes in your mind, it can kill a relationship over time,” says Cole. Try to remember that the grass always seems greener because one person is never going to have everything on your wish list, and your friends are probably jealous of something your own guy does—like the fact that he’s got serious skills in the kitchen (#domesticgod). And if there’s a habit he’s developed that you’d like to, err, tweak (like his tendency to overspend), there’s nothing wrong with that—so long as you’re not ultimately trying to change who he is. Cole says to use a gentle approach, and at the end of the day, you might as well focus on the good. Your marriage—and sanity—will be better for it.

Never putting yourself in your partner’s shoes.

We’re not into gender stereotyping, but experts widely agree that men tend to have more difficulty with a skill called “accepting influence,” which means having an ability to understand your significant other’s perspective, even if you don’t agree with it. Experts think that guys struggle more to develop this skill because ladies tend to be more empathetic, thanks to the biological and neurological differences between the two genders. But just because it’s harder to do doesn’t mean it should be ignored. In fact, “marriages in which men don’t accept influence from their wives are at a much higher risk for divorce,” says Diane Gehart, professor of marriage and family therapy at California State University, Northridge. Research from the Gottman Institute even found that when men don’t do this, their marriage has an 81 percent chance of failing. (Yikes.) But just because men are usually the ones to struggle in this department doesn’t mean the ladies get off scot-free. Men inherently want to feel understood too (it ties into their need to feel respected by their partner), so both parties should try to walk in the others’ shoes when working on a problem.

Starting fights with your (figurative) fists up.

When you’re having a chat with your husband and suddenly go from an emotional zero to sixty, that’s not a good sign. Doing so drives your partner away, explains Gehart, because it immediately shuts down the possibility of having a productive conversation. And unfortunately, women are the usual culprits. “Women are more likely to raise issues aggressively than men are,” she says, and a study found that it’s likely because men are usually able to quickly “calm down” and analyze a situation sans emotions, whereas women are more likely to go by how they feel. We know it’s way easier said than done, but if you tend to yell or use a harsh tone every time your husband grates your nerves, try to pull back—otherwise you could instigate his defense mechanisms, which halts his ability (or willingness) to talk openly and honestly. And if he’s not being real with you—and only hearing your anger or irritation—then what’s the point?

Not knowing when to press pause on a fight.

Once an argument gets going, it can be hard to stop it from spiraling out of control. But disengaging makes it easier to resolve problems, because you can then talk more calmly and compassionately, says Cole. If you don’t, you’re more likely to find yourselves yelling, crying, or freezing each other out—and that can have a literal effect on your body. “When people shut down during conflict, it’s usually because their heart rates have skyrocketed to over 100 beats per minute, which throws you into fight or flight response,” she says. “When that happens, you lose access to the part of your brain—the frontal lobe—that gives you communication skills. So sometimes you literally can’t speak coherently, even when you try.” So no, it’s not a cop-out to take a break from talking mid-fight and resuming the conversation later. It can actually make the difference between a productive, solution-oriented talk, and one that sends you deeper down the rabbit hole. If it becomes a habit, that tunnel isn’t going to lead you to Wonderland, but Divorceland.

Always putting on a good face.

Even when you’re trying to look totally calm, your body often betrays how you’re really feeling. A few subtle cues that tip experts off to problems: A high-pitched voice, dilated pupils, and a slightly paled complexion—and they all usually come with that classic, fake smile and rigid movements. “These are all signs that someone is overwhelmed with their own emotions and shifting into a flight or fight mode, so they simply can’t tune into their partner in a way that shapes a safe dialogue,” says couples therapist Sue Johnson, Ph.D., author of Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. When you regularly fall into this—rather than just letting loose and telling your partner how you really feel about the fact that he invited your mother-in-law to stay for an entire week without even asking—then you create a pattern of refusing to be emotionally honest, Johnson explains. That automatically shuts off the possibility for him to understand, support, and potentially correct the problem with you—and instead tips the relationship into even more distress and distance that could ultimately derail a marriage.

Not fighting at all.

When crickets replace conversation—and yes, bickering, because no two people will agree on everything all the time—experts say your relationship could be dying a slow death. Because when you don’t even bother to bring up something that bugs you, it means you’ve stopped putting energy into the relationship and could be emotionally checking out, says Gehart. Now, that doesn’t mean you should be picking fights in order to show you care, but if there’s a sense of quiet resentment or ambivalence, it’s better to bring up the issue than let it simmer. Because eventually, Gehart says it always boils over…and so will your marriage.

Waiting too long to deal with your issues.

It’s super common to put off having tough conversations, according to the Center for Conflict Dynamics at Eckerd College. After all, it’s not like you’re headed to a fun party. But not facing your problems soon enough can put you in a situation of too little, too late. “By the time many couples make their first therapy appointment—an unpublished study reported that the average couple waits six years from the onset of problems to seek help—the toxic dynamics have been in place for so long that it’s harder to undo the damage,” says Cole. That doesn’t mean that all hope is lost, though. Just remember that the longer you wait, the more time and work it will take to get things back on track, and you both need to be willing to put in that effort in order for your marriage to succeed.

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The formula for marital harmony and success is not a mysterious secret. It’s actually very straightforward. The “behind the scenes” part is the constant work that’s required to keep the channels of love and communication clear from obstruction. Diligent spouses consistently spend time and energy addressing issues as they come up so that anger and hurt feelings don’t accumulate.

Spouses who want satisfying marriages also look for ways to keep their love strong, such as remembering to show affection and appreciation frequently. They know that the more they feel connected and bonded, the more motivated they will be to resolve problems and hang in there when things are difficult.

The following steps will guide you in looking at what you can do to increase your chances for creating a happy, harmonious marriage:

1. Work on yourself and your own issues that you brought with you into the marriage. Many responses that you have to your spouse’s actions are triggered by past events going back to your childhood. If one of your emotional wounds is to feel disrespected, then when your partner inadvertently does something that triggers those feelings, you’ll experience an intense reaction. Individual counseling can help you to be more self-aware of what’s behind your intense reactions and what you can do so that you don’t over-react to issues in your marriage.
2. Avoid blaming your partner for problems in the marriage. Blame only causes the other person to become defensive and angry, and it decreases the probability that the two of you can find a win-win solution to your problems. When you focus on blaming your spouse for what’s happening in the marriage, you are planting seeds of resentment that can hurt the relationship. A marriage is composed of two people, and each contributes to the quality of the relationship and shares responsibility for it.
3. Be empathetic and put yourself in your partner’s place when issues come up. Really try to understand where your partner is coming from when you disagree or when your partner does something that you can’t make sense of. Ask your spouse to talk about his or her feelings. Listen respectfully and ask your spouse to clarify points that you don’t understand.
4. Look for ways to make your partner’s life easier and to show your love. Many of the irritants and stressors in modern day life are the little things—the extra time it takes to pick up the cleaning on the way home from work or to put the clean dishes in the dishwasher away. When you see some errand or task that you can do to save your partner time, offer to do it. Look for opportunities to give your spouse a few minutes to relax or have downtime. Watch for things you can do to pamper your partner when you can. It’s often the little things that can make a big difference in marital happiness and satisfaction.
5. Express appreciation often and say form the habit of saying “thank you.” As months and years go by, many spouses take each other for granted and neglect to express appreciation or say “thank you” to each other. Numerous spouses complain that their partners only focus on what they do wrong and never compliment them. It’s sad to think that the one person who means the most to you might have to wonder whether or not you appreciate them. Let your spouse know on a frequent basis how much he or she means to you. Give compliments and praise freely, and express thanks for all that your partner does to enrich your life and marriage.
6. Apologize quickly and sincerely, taking responsibility for your part in whatever happens in the marriage. The truth is that sometimes it’s hard to say “I’m sorry.” That’s when it’s time to remember the question, “Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?” Accept that things don’t always make sense in a relationship and that confusion and misunderstandings can happen easily. It’s a mark of maturity when you can say, “I’m so sorry for my part in what has happened between us.”
7. Have interests, hobbies and activities in your life that you enjoy so you’re not thrown off center so easily if you have a tiff or quarrel with your spouse. It’s important to have interests and activities of your own that are satisfying to you that can help to keep you balanced and anchored if other areas of your life are upsetting. That way, you can more easily regain a sense of perspective and be able to withstand the on-going stress.
8. Look for fun activities and bonding experiences to share with your mate. Be on the lookout for activities that could be fun for you and your spouse to do together. Search the local newspaper for plays, concerts, new movies, museum exhibits, neighborhood fairs and festivals, and new restaurants that are advertised. Laughter and having fun is bonding and can help to create those “Kodak moments” that are so delightful. (By Nancy Wasson, Phd.

(Hebrews 13:4) Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.

We need to discuss a sensitive issue today, and I can assure you I will be very aware of what is being said and how it is discussed.

I heard a list some time ago of some topics that are sure to “draw a crowd.” Issues related to sexuality are a sure thing, And studies of the “end times” is also on the list. It only seems normal to assume that a sermon on whether there is “sex at the end of time” would really draw a crowd.

I do feel a strong connection to the minister who was asked to speak on the subject of Sexuality at a ladies community group. He was a little embarrassed and stammered around when his wife asked him the subject he’d been assigned – she thought he said “sailing” when she asked for the topic.

The next day his wife met a lady from the community group and she just went on and on about how good her husband’s talk went. “I’m a little surprised,” she said (thinking his subject had been sailing). “He’s only actually done it twice in his life.  The first time he lost his favorite hat, and the second time he threw up.”

The erosion of marriage is a constant refrain in political debate and a legitimate concern for society in general. In God’s eyes, marriage is honorable. He established it at creation and has honored it ever since. In much of the world today, of course, marriage is anything but honored. A great many couples who marry do so as a temporary convenience, not as a social, much less a divine, requirement for their living together.

Under relentless attack from every direction especially the Media portrayal of family on TV and in the movies and in magazines. cheapening of sexual intimacy; reality TV sleaze shows – auction off a bride or groom…government policy – marriage tax penalty…marriage is passé, out of date, no longer valid – we’ve evolved past needing it…

For us, however, as Christians, this is not a matter of mere tolerance or benign approval of an institution, but a commitment to honor!

Marriage can be held in honor in many ways.

1. One is by the husband’s being the head. God is glorified in a family where the husband rules. “The husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church” (Eph. 5:23).
2. Another way is a corollary of the first, namely, that wives be submissive to their husbands (1 Pet. 3:1, 6).

(1 Peter 3:1)  “Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives,”

3. A third way marriage is honored is by being regulated by mutual love and respect. “You husbands likewise, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman; and grant her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered” (v. 7).

Scripture gives at least three reasons for marriage.

1. One is the propagation of children.

At creation, mankind was commissioned to “be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth” (Gen. 1:28).

2. Marriage is also provided as a means of preventing sexual sin.

“Because of immoralities, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband” (1 Cor. 7:2), Paul advises, and then goes on to counsel the unmarried and widows to marry if they do not have self-control (vv. 8-9).

1 Cor 7:1 – 9: “Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry.^{£  2}But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband.  ³The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.  ⁴The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.  ⁵Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.  ⁶I say this as a concession, not as a command.  ⁷I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. ⁸Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am.  ⁹But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.”

3. Marriage is also provided for companionship.

“God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him’” (Gen. 2:18).

REASONS IT IS CONFUSING IN OUR SOCIETY

1. Sex as a commodity. Sex sells. Why does the poster for welding equipment feature a woman in a bikini? That’s not proper attire for welding. We know why. We have been taught that sex sells. The sports car does not come with the beautiful girl, but men buy the sports car anyway. We have been taught that sex sells. Sex has become a commodity. The buying and selling of sexuality is not limited to prostitution. Victoria’s Secret does not sell underwear. It sells sexuality.

We are always pressured to buy the lie. The cosmetic surgery industry is growing at an astonishing rate. The goal is to enhance features of the human anatomy to make one sexy and youthful. Sex sells. It is good business. Pharmaceuticals to enhance and effect sexual ability are also a growing industry.

God didn’t intend for sex to be merchandise. Sex and sexuality are powerful forces, much more powerful than capitalism and consumerism. When sex is regarded as a commodity, people just might break the rules to “get it.”

2. Sex as an idol. God has already given us a word to live by regarding idolatry. Throughout history, people have carved images of sex gods. Sex has been worshipped and humans have submitted to sex as a power for ages. But that mythological nonsense is all in the past yes? We don’t have temples to sex gods and goddesses anymore, do we? Not with bricks and mortar, no. But we do build shrines of electronic lights and pixels. Pornography is a real power that can work its “magic” in someone’s life as effectively as any force. We like to think that we can control our idols, but in the end they tend to dominate us. 

3. Sex as (nothing more than) a personal choice. Even if we aren’t gratuitous or shocking, talking about sex publicly can be uncomfortable. That’s part of our problem. Although sex is a very intimate subject and does have something to do with our private world, we can go to the extreme of making it so private and personal that we no longer have anything to say about it publicly. And yet, that’s what this word from God is all about. God is affirming that there are certain societal covenants and boundaries that must be respected by all of us when it comes to sex.

This is what the marriage ceremony is all about. We are affirming as a people (single and married) a public statement about human sexuality. This is why the arguments about the definition of marriage are so fierce. It isn’t merely personal choice. If I go into my neighbor’s back yard and move the fence simply because I wanted it moved I am going to have a fight on my hands. Likewise, the ancient boundaries and covenants are not casually tampered with.

So it is doesn’t really work when we trample on marital fidelity and dismiss the breaking of covenants as a matter of personal choice. God intended sex to be something that everyone respects and when everyone doesn’t respect it the way God does, it is cheapened.

Sins Harming Marriage

Premarital sex

(Matthew 19:4-6) “”Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ {5} and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? {6} So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.””

(Acts 15:29) “You are to abstain from food sacrificed to idols, from blood, from the meat of strangled animals and from sexual immorality. You will do well to avoid these things. Farewell.”

(Galatians 5:19-21) “The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; {20} idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions {21} and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.”

Homosexuality

Homosexuals want our children to believe their relationships are acceptable.

(Romans 1:26-27)  “Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. {27} In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion.”

Adultery

(Matthew 5:28)  “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

1 Corinthians 6:9-11 (ESV) Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality,
¹⁰  nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.
¹¹  And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

The Ten-Cow Wife

A long time ago, on the island of Oahu in the Hawaiian Islands, an unusual custom was observed.  For a daughter’s hand in marriage cows were paid by a prospective husband to her family. The regular rate was three cows for a wife.  If the girl was very special, four cows would be given, and there was an unconfirmed story that a young lady a very long time ago had gone for the amazing sum of five cows.

Now the story goes that there was one father who had two daughters.  The younger one was very pretty, the older one was what our society would call a “reject” or a “loser.”  Her father had determined that he only expected to receive two cows for his older daughter, and if the suitor was a good bargainer, he was willing to let her go for only one cow.  The truth is Old Dad was willing to rid himself of the burden of having to feed her all her life for no cows at all.

When Johnny Lingo, the richest man on the island, came to his home, there was no doubt that he had come to see the younger daughter.  Everyone was stunned when he called on the older daughter.  Old Dad was overjoyed.  Since Johnny was a wealthy man and known to be generous, Old Dad expected him to pay at least the standard sum of three cows or even four cows.  You can imagine his utter shock when Johnny came to claim his bride and brought ten cows with him!  Old Dad almost had a heart attack!  He quickly called the tribal chief to perform the ceremony, before Johnny could change his mind.

Then it was the custom for honeymoons to last one year.  However, with a ten-cow bride, you do not take a three-cow honeymoon.  So two years later, the couple was welcomed back with great excitement.  The groom was instantly recognized by a lookout, but the bride had changed dramatically and he did not recognize her at first. Instead of a shy and homely girl, she was now a beautiful and confident young lady; her charm was so great, that some thought that Johnny had gotten a bargain by paying “only “ten cows.

Now you may think this is just a fairy tale, but think of it this way: “Give your mate something to live up to, not down to, and you will have a better mate, which is the key to a better marriage.”

You can have a successful marriage by . . .Meeting Your Mate’s Needs

When you get married, you give up the solitary life. You pledge yourself to another person for the rest of your life. That means that you accept responsibility for the welfare of that person. Marriage is not just about having your needs met; it is also about meeting the needs of your spouse.

In fact, meeting the needs of your mate is the essence of love. When you truly love someone with the kind of love required in the Bible, your primary concern is for that person’s well-being. When you love your husband or wife with Chris­tian love, you want more than anything for his or her needs to be met.

What needs does your mate have?

PHYSICAL NEEDS

Obviously, your mate has physical needs. You both need food, clothes, and shelter. In the New Testament, the husband is given special re­sponsibility for providing for the physical needs of the family.

1 Timothy 5:8 (ESV) But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

He must take that responsibility seriously. He cannot be lazy, de­liberately avoiding work or failing to hold onto a job. Sometimes he may have to postpone the fulfillment of his own dreams for the welfare of the family. The wife is given the responsibility of ruling the house.

1 Timothy 5:14 (ESV) So I would have younger widows marry, bear children, manage their households, and give the adversary no occasion for slander.

Titus 2:5 (ESV) …to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.

Each should help the other take care of herself or himself physically. Among the physical needs which must be met in marriage are sexual needs. Both partners in the marriage must accept the responsibility to satisfy each other’s sexual needs.

1 Corinthians 7:1-40 (ESV)
¹  Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.”
²  But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.
³  The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband.
⁴  For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.
⁵  Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

SOCIAL NEEDS

In addition, each marriage partner has social needs that the other can help to meet. Everyone needs companionship and friendship—to be part of a social network of fellow human beings who will help and encourage them.

Of course, the husband and the wife should be one another’s best friends and closest compan­ions. God created woman so man would not be alone. However, one’s friendship with a spouse may not satisfy every social need.3 A woman may feel the need for a circle of female friends; a man may want to be with other men now and then—to go fishing or hunting or to enjoy athletic activities or discussions with others who share his interests. The husband and the wife should recognize each other’s needs and should not feel rejected when a mate wants to spend time

The fact that God provided the church as a place of togetherness for Christians of both sexes suggests that He did not intend for people’s social needs to be fully satisfied by the marriage relationship with others who have comparable roles in life. Spouses should allow/encourage one another to meet those needs. Of course, no group of friends should ever come between a man and his wife. Always, a mate should have precedence in one’s affections and allocation of time.

EMOTIONAL OR PSYCHOLOGICAL NEEDS

Furthermore, a husband and a wife should be concerned about meeting one another’s emo­tional and psychological needs.

Needs Which Men and Women Share

A man and a woman have similar emotional or psychological requirements, but their needs may not be satisfied in the same way. Both need to feel loved, appreciated, and valued. Both need to view themselves as competent and useful, to believe that they are making a valuable contri­bution to society and to the family. All people want to fulfill their potential by accomplishing something worthwhile and to know that their lives have meaning. Both men and women want to be valued members of a group—a family, a church, a work group, a civic or political orga­nization, a club, or an ethnic or national group—that will help to provide them with a social identity. To a lesser or greater degree, everyone wants the approval of peers and a sense of security regard­ing the future.

However, because men and women differ, each part­ner in the marriage needs to be sensitive to the other’s feel­ings. Try to picture yourself in your spouse’s situation. Ask, “How would my mate feel about this?”

For example, men usually get their sense of self-worth from their work; if a man’s work goes badly, or if he loses his job, he is likely to become discouraged and to think of himself as useless. (Then it may be unpleasant to live with him.) At such a time, his wife needs to be understanding and encouraging.

On the other hand, a woman may feel the results of an “empty nest“ when all the children are grown. Her husband ought to recognize her needs and try to meet them. The husband must let his wife know that she is appreciated and help her to see the importance of what she is now doing.

The husband especially must be sensitive to his wife’s needs. Men are notoriously unaware of how their wives are feeling. Males are inclined to think only about facts and look with disdain on their wives’ focus on feelings. What men need to understand is that feelings are facts! Whatever the other facts may be, it is a fact that the wife feels a certain way.

Her feelings may be more important for her happiness and for the good of the mar­riage than what he regards as facts. The Christian husband, no matter how difficult he may find the task, must learn to respond to his wife’s emo­tions. To the extent possible, the husband ought to do whatever he can to make his wife happy, and the wife should likewise help her husband to be happy.

   Specific Needs of Men and Women

   The husband and the wife each have addi­tional needs which the other can meet. While he was president of Oklahoma Christian College, James Baird discussed marriage at a speaking engagement in Sydney, Aus­tralia. One point he made was that studies have shown that women, more than anything, want to be loved; men above all want to be respected. He went on to say that the Bible provides for the satisfaction of those major needs. What does it require that men give to their wives? Love! Ephesians 5:25 says, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” What does it require that women give to their husbands? Submission, or respect! (See Ephesians 5:22–24.)  In other words, he said, if a husband and a wife treat one another in the way the Bible requires, they will be meeting one another’s most important needs.

A woman’s need for love. A man should love his wife with an unselfish love that seeks always to show his love for her.

A man’s need for respect. A woman ought to respect her husband. A man wants to feel loved too—but, more than anything else, he needs to know that he is a real man, worthy of respect and honor. The wife can meet this need, for one thing, by allowing him to be a man—by not demanding that he give up all “manly” behavior patterns just because he is married. In addition, the wife can respect her husband by indicating her willing­ness to accept his leadership in the home. Just as a man will reap benefits from satisfying his wife’s need for love, a woman will find that her husband will respond generously if she treats him with love and respect.

SPIRITUAL NEEDS

In addition, both men and women have spiri­tual needs which they can help one another meet. More than anything else, of course, they need to be saved, to be forgiven of their sins, and to go to heaven. On their way to heaven, they must be active members of the church. In the church they can find a sense of belonging and identity and a feeling that they are involved in something worthwhile.

A husband and a wife should try to build up one another spiritually. If one or the other is not a Christian, the fondest hope of the Christian husband or wife is for that mate to be converted. To such an end the Christian will work and pray. If both the husband and the wife are Christians, then each will encourage the other to “stand firm” in the Lord’s army. Each will patiently, lov­ingly, and forgivingly help the other to develop Christian virtues. Each will encourage the other to use his or her talents for the Lord.

She may encourage him to preach or teach, or to use his talents—whether bookkeeping or dentistry or gardening or carpentry—in God’s service. She can assist him in cultivating the qualifications of a deacon or an elder. He may help her to be­come more hospitable, encouraging her to have people into their home. He may urge her to teach a Bible class, to mentor young women, or to use her talents—whether they relate to homemak­ing abilities, work-related skills, or educational attainments—in the kingdom of God.

If husband and wife succeed in meeting each other’s spiritual needs, then they will be rewarded—not only with a full and happy life here, but also with a home in heaven hereafter. They can both look forward to being welcomed to the greatest family reunion of all: the reunion of the saints of all the ages with one another and with the heavenly Father.

Joined as One

In the Christian bond of wedlock, a man and a woman are joined together not by a registrar or by a minister, but by God Almighty Himself. Marriage is not, for the Christian, a mere legal contract, terminable at any time by mutual consent of the parties concerned, or by the infidelity of one of them. It is a spiritual experience in which two souls are made one by the Creator of them both. That is why the church has always taken such a strong stand against divorce. Man must not put asunder what God has joined together.

Yes! God makes a man and a woman one in wedlock, but that does not absolve them from the duty of maintaining the matrimonial union.

How is this to be done?

1. See “eye to eye.” Perhaps that seems to over­state what should be done, but the couple that does not try to see matters alike never will!
2. Talk “heart to heart.”
3. Walk “hand in hand.” Do not merely tolerate one another’s existence and go your respec­tive ways.
4. Kneel “side by side.” “The family that prays together stays together.”

CONCLUSION

In a home that is built on a spiritual foun­dation, love is the ultimate principle that will determine the behavior of the husband and the wife. Love will be evident as both husband and wife unselfishly do all they can to meet one an­other’s needs. Needs in every area should be met: physical, social, emotional or psychological, and spiritual. If each partner is making the greatest possible effort to meet the other’s needs, the home will be happy. Its inhabitants will find satisfac­tion and fulfillment, and the marriage will last!