(These materials come from many sources over the years and I am indebted for the positive approach of each)

No matter how well we are communicating with our marriage partners, there are bound to be some areas of disagreement. I have heard some couples claim that they never had a difference of opinion during all their married life. What a drab and colorless existence they must have had! The couple either possessed very little personal individuality or else were afraid to express their true inner feelings. It is hard to believe that God ever made two people so alike in every way that their opinions coincided in everything!

Disagreements will come. Any of several causes can produce them. The first cause could easily be the rude discovery that our mates do not possess all the glowing qualities we visualized in them before the ceremony! Since we want to see desirable traits acquired and distasteful ones eliminated, we mentally enroll our mates in our school of marital reform! Then we proceed with the monumental task of remaking them into ideal mates.

The wife’s favorite teaching method seems to be nagging, assisted by occasional ridicule, and, if necessary, by a periodic outburst of tears.

The husband’s favorite teaching method seems to be the dig, that is, the cutting comment or sarcastic remark. He may also use an occasional angry lecture, interspersed with long periods of withdrawal and silence.

Two sinful self-wills, each of which is torn between love of self and love of mate, are now interacting with each other and testing each other’s right to self-determination, with each seeking supremacy in the relationship. The result is conflict.

At the heart of every conflict is self. Most people blame their conflicts on their circumstances: the unacceptable job, the small house, the fussy children, the poor neighborhood, the lack of money, the interfering in-laws. But the true problem is that the human ego wants unrestrained freedom to do as it pleases, expecting at the same time the unqualified approval of its mate. In other words, it wants to be the sun around which its mate orbits as a devoted planet. If two such stars would vie for centrality in the same solar system, the results would be chaotic—but that is exactly what has happened in many marriages!

Sometimes young people are in a hurry to get married, often to escape an unpleasant situation at home. The real problem is not usually their home or their parents, however. It is their own sinful egos, and they invariably take them along with them when they get married! This ego begins to interact with another selfish ego, and the previous home problems are eclipsed by the new marital ones! First God wants us to learn how to deal with our old sin natures. Then we will be ready to interact happily with a partner in marriage.

When meaningful communications have broken down in a marriage, arguments may erupt over the most trivial things, sometimes becoming so frequent and so heated that the couple begins to feel that they are incompatible. I seriously doubt that there is any such thing as incompatibility in God’s sight—just two wills that need to be conquered by Jesus Christ. When He becomes the center of the marriage, with each partner living for His glory, harmony and happiness will reign supreme.

Suppose the conflicts do exist, however, and the couple is willing to make the spiritual adjustments that need to be made. How, then, do we resolve the dissension in our marriages? We need to realize, first of all, that an argument need not always be a destructive force. It could be the very thing needed to open the channels of communication and expose the festering sores of the soul that have been widening the gap between us.

There may be some changes that need to be made, but neither the nagging nor the cutting comments are making them. They only tighten the tension and drive us farther apart. A good, lively discussion may be the only thing that will get our true feelings into the open. If so, then we need to get to it, to get started with the argument. But we must set some ground rules before we begin. Here are some suggested guidelines for a profitable argument.

First, we must establish as our goal a deeper understanding of each other. If we can accomplish this, we will ultimately thank God for the disagreement. The goal of the argument is not to decide a winner and a loser. Nor is it to bring about changes in our mates. It is to gain fresh insight into how our mates think about the issues that affect us. It might be a good policy for each partner to restate the other’s point of view to his satisfaction. That will guarantee the accomplishment of this goal, at least to some degree.

Second, we must ask God to help us control our emotions. We often say things under emotional stress that we do not mean, things that hurt and cut and destroy. These things are not soon forgotten. The fruit of the Spirit is self-control, and we need to let Him manifest His calmness and control even in the face of unjust accusations or serious provocations. This is not to say that emotions should be excluded. We would probably never reveal how we felt in our hearts if emotions were not present. But though it is legitimate for our emotions to be present, they must be guarded closely by the indwelling Holy Spirit. One wife told me that whenever their discussions begin to heat up, her husband says, “Let’s pray about this,” and he begins to pray, out loud. It has a tremendously tranquilizing effect on their marriage!

Third, we must attack the problem itself—not the personalities or the motives. It is easy to become overly critical in any argument, and to make inaccurate character judgments of our opponent or to falsely accuse him of evil motives. When a wife fails to clean the house or a husband postpones some chore, the impatient mate may level an accusation like, “You’re just plain lazy.” That may not be the problem at all, and such an accusation could cause a great deal of unhappiness for a long time to come. “You did that just to get back at me,” is a favorite when your mate hurts you in some way. But who made you a mind reader or gave you the ability to discern motives?

We have a tendency to project our own motives to others; our angry accusations against our mates thus often reveal more about our own hearts than of theirs.

Fourth, we must remember that angry attacks against us are sometimes provoked by exasperating incidents totally unrelated to us. Often when husbands or wives are irritable, their mates just happen to be the most convenient target for their angry outbursts. For instance, the pressure of the house and the children may have been building up in a wife all day long. She is tense and on edge when her husband comes in the door, happy as a lark. He hangs up his coat as a thoughtful husband should, but forgets to close the closet door—and she blows her top! A husband filled with God’s love and understanding realizes that there is something more behind this than a closet door, and he responds tenderly and gently.

Maybe the husband comes home acting like an angry bear. He is short with the children and critical of the dinner. A Spirit-filled wife understands that his actions are probably the result of pressure at work and not of hostility toward his family. If we would listen to our mates calmly and patiently instead of reacting indignantly at the first provocation, the real problem would soon emerge. Then, instead of an irate retort, we could offer sympathetic understanding, thus averting the trauma of an argument.

Finally, we need to learn when and how to bring an argument to a conclusion. Some fights never end; they just go on for years! Others seem to die without coming to a conclusion, thus deepening the underlying resentment. “Let’s just forget about it” usually means, “If we discuss this much longer, I may have to give in!” If we are wrong, we should admit it. If we need time to think about it, we should say so. “I’m beginning to see your point, but I need some time to think it over.” Then do just that—think it over before the Lord.

Now the problems are out in the open. We have communicated with each other and therefore share a little deeper understanding. Now where do we go? How do we solve the conflicts? There are several biblical principles that should help us.

First, we should concentrate our attention on our own faults, thinking first of those areas in which we can improve ourselves. The temptation when conflicts arise is to sulk over the wrongs committed against us, rehearsing all the old offenses and injustices we have suffered through the years. Then we begin building our case for the next confrontation! Forget it! Turn your mind to your part of the blame, however small it may be. Our own self-will and pride are invariably responsible for part of the conflict. It may have been the little demands we made of our mates for our own convenience. It may have been the indifference we showed toward our mates’ needs. It may have been the coolness we expressed because our feelings were hurt. All of this is selfish pride, and all of it helped intensify the conflict. Whenever there is a conflict pride is the cause, and each of us is usually guilty of some of that pride. We need to admit it.

It’s so easy to let our minds drift to our spouses’ part of the blame. We are tempted to think that we acted as we did because of what our mates said or did. We think they are really the guilty ones. But this is a ploy of Satan. He wants us to think about our mate’s blame rather than our own in order to promote dissension. Jesus called this hypocrisy. “Hypocrite! First get rid of the board. Then you can see to help your brother.” Let us ask God to help us acknowledge our own part of the blame. We must be ruthless with ourselves. It is so easy to be severe with others and lenient with ourselves. But this is egotism. True humility is tolerant of others and exacting with self. Once we acknowledge our sin of pride, God bestows both forgiveness and renewed marital harmony.

Now that we have acknowledged our part of the blame and received God’s gracious forgiveness, we can ask Him to give us victory over our sinful self wills, so that we relinquish our craving to have everything our own way. We must ask Him to help us change what needs to be changed in our lives. When we are in the middle of a marital crisis we usually feel that our problems would be solved if only our mates would change their ways. It seldom occurs to us that we need the changing! By God’s grace we can become new mates. We never really change others for the better by carping, criticizing, and complaining. We only deepen the wedge that lies between us. We must give our attention to the one thing that we can change by God’s grace and power—ourselves! God does not expect us to improve our mates; He expects us to provide for their needs. When we improve ourselves, our marriages will also begin to improve.

When our husbands or wives realize that we have stopped badgering them and have instead made significant changes in our own lives, they will begin to respond in kind. It will take terribly cold and callused hearts on their part to keep them from making some worthwhile changes of their own. What a gratifying reward for our unselfish attitude!

Having dealt decisively with our own shortcomings, we are now ready to move on to the next step.

The second biblical principle for solving conflicts is to forgive completely our mates’ faults. It is hard to forgive when our mates have not apologized. But look at it this way. If we have really acknowledged our part of the blame, we will have to admit that the offenses they committed against us may have been, at least in part, a result of the way we treated them. We have no choice but to forgive, even if they have not admitted their wrong. Eventually we are going to have to apologize for our part of the blame if we want a sweet spirit of harmony restored, and we will not be able to apologize in the proper way if we continue to harbor hard feelings. The only way to rid ourselves of those hard feelings is to forgive our mates fully for every offense that they have committed against us. There is no indication that the person who was wronging Peter ever apologized for it, yet Christ told him to forgive as many as 490 times. He was teaching that there is actually no end to forgiveness.

“But the hurt is too deep. I can’t forgive.” That is an interesting comment. Listen to Christ again: “Your heavenly Father will forgive you if you forgive those who sin against you; but if you refuse to forgive them, he will not forgive you.” At first sight this would seem to teach that our own forgiveness is based on our forgiveness of others, instead of on God’s grace in Christ. However, this would contradict Christ’s other teachings. I believe He is saying, instead, that if we refuse to forgive the person who has wronged us, God knows that the confession of our own sins to Him has been less than genuine, and that we have not really received the forgiveness which He has made available to us. When a person has admitted the vileness of his own sin and has experienced the blessing of God’s forgiveness, he cannot help but respond with forgiveness toward others. If we refuse, we admit that we have really not known what it means to be forgiven by God. No honest person can receive God’s forgiveness himself but refuse to forgive another.

It is impossible to overestimate the importance of forgiveness. When we grant forgiveness, resentment and bitterness disappear and our harsh and intolerant attitudes are replaced with genuine love and concern for our mates.

Now we are ready for the final step. We have admitted to ourselves our own guilt and have forgiven our mates for their share of the blame. Now we must openly and frankly apologize to them for our part of the blame. It is a mistake to try to apologize before we have acknowledged our own guilt and forgiven our mates for theirs. Our apology will be far less than what God wants it to be. It will come out all wrong, and may even do more harm than good. “I was wrong, but you were too.” “I’m sorry I did that, but it wasn’t all my fault.” “I’m sorry I said that, but what could I think after what you did?” “I’m sorry if I did anything to offend you.” None of these statements really admits to anything. They are not true apologies and really won’t fool anybody—least of all our mates!

Only after our hearts have been set right before the Lord can we offer a genuine apology. “Honey, I’m sorry I …” (and we list the specific things we did or said to offend, or the exact attitude that has contributed to the conflict)—period! No “ifs,” “ands,” or “buts.” The words “Honey, I’m sorry” spoken from a broken and contrite heart are the sweetest sound on earth, and they will minister healing to our marriages. Though he was referring primarily to physical healing, the same truth can be applied to the mending of marital relationships. Open and sincere admission of guilt is a powerful healing force.

Why is it so hard for some people to apologize? Possibly they tried apologizing once or twice but were rejected. Now they are afraid to try again. But the reason for their rejection may have been their own improper attitude when they offered the apology. Some men think that admitting guilt is a sign of weakness. Actually, however, it is a sign of spiritual and emotional strength—a mark of a healthy, well-balanced personality. Some people are afraid that they will lose face with the ones they love if they admit their faults. But the very opposite is true; by being honest about themselves, they will actually gain more respect than they ever had before. Some insist that it would be hypocritical to apologize, since they will probably do the same thing again. But God says that we are to confess our faults to each other. Refusal is disobedience to Him. We must deal with the issue at hand as He directs, trusting Him to help us in future situations.

Jesus taught that we must be reconciled with others before we can truly worship God. “If you are standing before the altar in the Temple, offering a sacrifice to God, and suddenly remember that a friend has something against you, leave your sacrifice there beside the altar and go and apologize and be reconciled to him, and then come and offer your sacrifice to God.” If someone has something against us, it is probably because we have offended him. It is our responsibility to go to him, admit our fault, and be reconciled to him. Our worship will be less than it should be until we do. “But isn’t he supposed to forgive me even if I refuse to apologize?” Yes, he is. But each person must nevertheless answer to God for himself. We must do what God wants us to do, leaving the failures of others in the hands of God.

The question “Who started it?” or “Who ought to make the first move?” is irrelevant. It makes no difference who started it. We ought to take the initiative in confession regardless of the situation. Even if we have been deeply hurt, to admit our part of the blame in unselfish and forgiving love will make it easier for our mates to admit theirs. No matter how minor our fault is, we ought to focus our attention on that and frankly apologize for it. God will then use our selfless spirit to resolve our marital conflicts.

 (These materials come from many sources over the years and I am indebted for the positive approach of each)

I do not speak as an expert on congregational conflict – simply as a preacher who has spent 34 years preaching/teaching for churches that have often gone through some conflict.

Statements from Church Members:

• “I thought the church was different from other organizations – especially in regard to conflict.”
• “It just kills me when people are this ugly in any community – especially the church.”
• If there is one place where people want to find a respite from the world – a place of peace and harmony, it is in the church.

 The Early Church Model.

• Off to a good start – Acts 2:44-47

Bumps in the road:

• Acts 5 – instances of false pretense and lying (Ananias & Sapphira)
• Acts 6 – Neglect of the Grecian Jews causes conflict – the choosing of the seven.
• Acts 15 – Dispute between Paul and Barnabas
• Galatians 2 – Racial prejudice and religious elitism bring about a dispute between Paul and Peter.
• I Corinthians – conflicts over talents, personal loyalties – unrepentant sinfulness…
• Philippians – the conflict between Euodia and Syntyche
• The list could go on and on – we haven’t even touched the Old Testament – Moses at one time is so frustrated with the Israelites and the conflict with them that he says to God, I am tired of these people won’t you just let me die…Any of you ever feel that way?

Conflict is a Natural part of dealing with people – even God’s People – and should be expected.

• Our expectations and our outlook many times determine to a large degree how we hold up under the strain of conflict and what we are able to accomplish through it.
• Ex. Walking and stepping in a pot-hole you’re not expecting.
• Church leaders create conflict to some degree – by calling people to focus on God’s vision – that creates conflict for most people, because his vision is designed to cause change in our lives…and most people are resistant to change.
• Even when a particular change is in our best interest, our inclination is to resist because that change implies that we are imperfect and are somehow lacking.
• The reality of change is that we must reform our habits, reshape our values, alter our relationships or adopt new responsibilities.
• Church leaders who don’t expect conflict are going to get hurt – and will not last in the ministry…to help overcome conflict and benefit from it longevity is required.

An Uncomfortable Feeling.

• Something just doesn’t feel right,
• You can’t put your finger on it.
• Nothing explicit has been mentioned. (Wives are intuitive to this more than men)

A Problem to Be Resolved. (Issue-focused)

• An identifiable problem has emerged and dealing with that matter is the focus – I didn’t agree with the point you made in your sermon last week – You hurt my feelings with what you said – I don’t think this building project is what we need…
• The participants are civil and respectful to one another as they each share their perspectives on the issue.
• Solutions are proposed and in most instances can be resolved in a calm and collaborative fashion to everyone’s satisfaction.
• In my opinion this is the step that most people ignore – and it’s the reason that there is so much rancor sometimes in our churches.

A Person to Differ With (Other person – focused)

• The focus of the conversation changes from what should be done and what is the best solution, to a debate of who is right and who is wrong.
• Frustration sets in because the attempt to achieve one’s goals is undermined by another.
• Parties may become more cautious in dealing with each other.
• The dispute can still be constructive if the parties make a greater effort to see the other person’s point of view.
• On the other hand, if the matter is not resolved, the situation can easily deteriorate into destructive conflict.

A Dispute to Win (Issue-focused – greater intensity)

• Collaboration wanes. Other problematic issues often appear confusing the matters.
• Disputing parties communicate less to each other and more about each other with those who take their respective side increasing polarization in the congregation.
• While there may not be an intent to hurt one’s opponent, it often results.
• Because the overriding goal is for one’s needs to be met or interests to prevail, there appears to be less concern about how that affects others, further exacerbating the conflict.
• One side comes to believe that the other cares little about them. As one side seeks to achieve its’ goals, the other side feels like their interests are being all-too-readily dismissed or sacrificed.
• Action then begets counteraction.

A Person To Attack (Other person-focused – greater intensity)

• A power struggle emerges – parties now see themselves as adversaries and “antagonists” (a Greek word that means “to struggle against” as in Hebrews 12:4)
• When people begin to struggle against each other, watch out!!!  An invisible line is crossed that does not bode well for that relationship or for the church.
• At this stage, original issues and context become secondary – the problem is now identified as a person or a group of people…they are the problem.
• An “Us” and “them” mentality sets in. Emotions adversely affect objective thinking.
• Selective perception confirms and fuels negative stereotyping – once stereotyped, the other side can be written off as – progressive, traditional, liberal, conservative – close minded – morons…you fill in the blank.
• Parties avoid each other and assume the worst of the other – In the absence of direct communication, each faction views the other through an increasingly distorted filter of suspicion, false assumptions, exaggeration, misinformation and misperceptions.
• Whereas each side justifies its own hostile behavior as reactions to its opponent and to external circumstances, the actions of one’s adversaries are attacks attributed to internal deficiencies in their character, competency, or spirituality.
• Public admission of having exercised poor judgment or of having made a mistake becomes increasingly unlikely.
• In this negatively charged environment, such an acknowledgement would likely open oneself to embarrassment and further criticism – the attempt to protect themselves, their vulnerabilities and insecurities is accomplished by attacking.

My Face to Save – (self-focused, greatest intensity)

• The term “face” refers to how a person is viewed by others. As long as someone is viewed as a respectable member of the community, all is well.
• When one’s public image is seriously challenged, watch out for a significant escalation of the conflict.
• To have one’s public image challenged is to be attacked on a very personal level.  It is to be charged with maintaining a false façade.
• The attacker seeks to publicly unmask the other person’s true and despicable identity. To the extent that this “insight” is believed, the prior course of the conflict is reinterpreted.
• With these new lenses, words or actions that may have been originally perceived in a positive light are now viewed as part of a larger, deceitful strategy – False motives are attributed throughout. The conflict is no longer understood in terms of shades of gray – it is perceived in terms of black and white and an ideological battle between the forces of good vs. evil.
• To “save face” against such an attack on one’s identity, people will respond with an equally ferocious assault of their own. Disputants will unleash a torrent of negative descriptions against those who have attacked and maligned them, attempting in turn, to undercut and discredit them.
• They will label those on the other side as unreasonable, immoral, untrustworthy, mentally unbalanced, and /or sub-human – this conclusion justifies almost any action against the other side, exacerbating the cycle of conflict to dangerous levels.

A Person to Expel, Withdraw From or Ruin (Other person-focused – greatest intensity)

• The parties are locked in an all-or-nothing battle.
• The church is no longer big enough for everyone.
• The solution is whether to drive out the problem person or people or leave. – or another way to state it is:
• The conflict may be so personalized, intractable, or irrational that the adversaries would rather suffer private loss or the church’s ruin to see their opponent defeated.

The Aftermath.

• When the dust settles, the worship, fellowship, and the work of the church, as well as the individual lives of those involved are adversely affected…often for years to come.
• For some, winning the battle or driving a person from the church is still not enough – the ruination of a person’s reputation may continue long after the battle is over.
• Another faction will express shame and bewilderment for what they have said or done – others will have shame also but blame others who they claim led them to do and say such things.

Conclusion:

1. When it comes to matters of peace and unity, the New Testament couldn’t be clearer:
   1. Jesus said, “be at peace with one another.” – Mark 9:50
   2. Peter said, “seek peace and pursue it.” – I Peter 3:11
   3. Paul said, “Make every effort to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” Ephesians 4:3 —The Escalating Stages of Unresolved Church Conflict (Kenneth C. Newberger)

How to Turn a Disagreement into a Feud

1. Be sure to develop and maintain a healthy fear of conflict, letting your own feelings build up so you are in an explosive frame of mind.

2. If you must state your concerns, be as vague and general as possible. Then the other person cannot do anything practical to change the situation.

3. Assume you know all the facts and you are totally right. The use of a clinching Bible verse is helpful. Speak prophetically for truth and justice; do most of the talking.

4. With a touch of defiance, announce your willingness to talk with anyone who wishes to discuss the problem with you. But do not take steps to initiate such conversation.

5. Latch tenaciously onto whatever evidence you can find that shows the other person is merely jealous of you.

6. Judge the motivation of the other party on any previous experience that showed failure or unkindness. Keep track of any angry words.

7. If the discussion should, alas, become serious, view the issue as a win/lose struggle. Avoid possible solutions and go for total victory and unconditional surrender. Don’t get too many options on the table.

8. Pass the buck! If you are about to get cornered into a solution, indicate you are without power to settle; you need your partner, spouse, bank, whatever.

10 Steps for Conflict Resolution

• Set a time and place for discussion.
• Define the problem or issue of disagreement.
• Talk about how each of you contributes to the problem.
• List past attempts to resolve the issue that were unsuccessful.
• Brainstorm new ways to resolve the conflict. List all possible solutions.
• Discuss and evaluate these possible solutions.
• Agree on one solution to try.
• Agree on how each individual will work toward this solution.
• Set up another meeting to discuss your progress.
• Reward each other as you each contribute toward the solution.

Five Conflict Handling Intentions

1. Competing: when one person seeks to satisfy his or her own interests regardless of the impact on the other parties to the conflict, he is competing.
2. Collaborating: A situation in which the parties to a conflict each desire to satisfy fully the concerns of all the parties. In collaborating, the intentions of the parties are to solve the problem by clarifying differences rather than by accommodating various points of view.
3. Avoiding: a person may recognize that a conflict exists and want to withdraw from it or suppress it. Avoiding included trying to just ignore a conflict and avoiding others with whom you disagree.
4. Accommodating: The willingness of one partying a conflict to place the opponent’s interest above his or her own.
5. Compromising: A situation in which each party to a conflict is willing to give up something. Intentions provide general guidelines for parties in a conflict situation. They define each party’s purpose. Yet people intention is not fixed. During the course of conflict, they might change because of re-conceptualization or because of an emotional reaction to the behavior of other party.

(These materials come from many sources over the years and I am indebted for the positive approach of each)

Once upon a time a man was shipwrecked on a deserted island. He was an industrious, hard-working sort of man, so by the time he was rescued, 15 years later, he had managed to transform the island into a collection of roads and buildings. The people who rescued him were amazed at his accomplishments and asked for a tour of the island. He was more than happy to oblige.

“The first building on our left,” he began, “is my house. You’ll see that I have a comfortable three-bedroom estate, complete with indoor plumbing and a sprinkler system. There is also a storage shed in the back for all my lawn tools.” The rescue party was astonished. It was better than some of their homes on the mainland.

“That building over there is the store where I do my grocery shopping. Next to it is my bank, and across the street is the gym where I exercise.”

The rescuers noticed two other buildings and asked what they were. “The one on the left is where I go to church.” “And the one on the right?” they inquired. “Oh, that’s where I used to go to church.”

Conflict is a part of life. There is simply no getting away from this fact. As a leader, as a human being, you can be sure that you’ll face relational conflicts. No leadership model exists that will totally eliminate disagreements or clashes of personality. In fact, the tension that comes from conflict can be healthy and beneficial to growth if dealt with correctly.

Leaders and group members who say they want to leave conflicts to time may be revealing the following:

1. They actually are shirking responsibility for themselves and to other group members.
2. They really do not know what to do and are not willing to be honest with themselves and others.
3. They are not interested enough in helping other group members with their problems to experience the painful process of growing and learning how to be more helpful.
4. They do not care enough to risk getting involved.
5. They do not care enough to use some of their time for learning how to be with another in his or her pain. One of the ways of being cruel to people is to dismiss their pain and let time take care of them.

A conflict is unhealthy if the members do not process their pain (fear, anger, embarrassment, guilt, etc.) of growth and conflict resolution. Emotional pain is inherent in growing or resolving conflicts; therefore, a conflict which otherwise should be healthy becomes unhealthy if the pain is not processed.

A conflict is unhealthy if the group members are not willing to listen to each other. Even a healthy conflict becomes unhealthy if those who are in conflict with each other are not willing to listen to one another. For example, according to Paul, legitimate and potentially effective meetings can do more harm than good.

(Jeremiah 6:16-17) “This is what the LORD says: “Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls. But you said, ‘We will not walk in it.’ {17} I appointed watchmen over you and said, ‘Listen to the sound of the trumpet!’ But you said, ‘We will not listen.'”

(1 Corinthians 11:17) “In the following directives I have no praise for you, for your meetings do more harm than good.”

A conflict is unhealthy if some of the group members attempt to deal with it outside the relationship in which the conflict originated. This is a principle which leaders find very frightening; therefore, few percentage wise believe it or comply with it. However, the scriptures are very clear regarding this principle.

Don’t let someone outside  of God’s will discourage you from doing God’s will.

 (Matthew 6:14-15)  “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. {15} But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

Jesus and the Art of Conflict Management

When Jesus addressed problems, he tackled them head-on. While delivering the Sermon on the Mount (and later in Matthew 18) he dealt with the issue of conflicts brought about either by others offending us or by our offending them: Matthew 18:15-17 Matthew 5:23-24

While the Lord was addressing the problem of sin, there are broader principles at work in his teaching. And no matter which side has caused the problem, the solution is the same: First, go to the person with whom you are experiencing a conflict and address the issues face-to-face.

Avoid involving a third or fourth person, especially if their knowledge of the situation will worsen the problem for the offending individual. Such discussions tend to intensify the conflict and further undermine the relationship. Judging from the amount of conflict experienced in our world, this is surely one of the most overlooked commands in Scripture.

Jesus tells us to first go to the person one-on-one. Second, go to the person quickly. Jesus counseled that, if someone is worshiping God and remembers that he or she has offended a friend, the appropriate response is to stop right there and go immediately to the offended individual. With those words Jesus made it clear that correct interpersonal relationships are more important than correct ritual.

This tends to grate against religious folks who say that God must be our first priority. It is true that God should be our primary focus. However, our relationship with God is better gauged by our human relationships than by religious ritual. Although we cannot guarantee that the offended brother will accept us, we are obligated to make every effort “as far as it depends on” us (Romans 12:18).

Interestingly, in both cases, Jesus’ advice is to take the initiative. When you have done something wrong, you go and make it right. When someone else has wronged you, you still take the first step.

The key to conflict management is prompt reconciliation by “speaking the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15). Effective conflict managers know how to balance truth (confrontation) and love (reconciliation). Effective leaders learn to be peacemakers by dealing directly with disagreements and seeking amicable resolutions. David shows us that putting off confrontation only strains relations and inevitably compounds the problem. Avoidance allows bitterness to simmer and alienation to solidify.

 Constructive Conflict

While the word conflict usually carries a negative connotation, conflict itself doesn’t have to be negative. That’s why this chapter is titled “Conflict Management” rather than “Conflict Resolution” – a conflict is not something that simply needs to be “resolved,” as though getting through it and moving on are the highest goals. Often we inappropriately assume that spiritual maturity will lead to fewer conflicts.

Conflict produces energy, and energy can be channeled in positive directions. How can a leader make this happen? The Apostle Paul gives us the keys to managing conflict with the goal of a positive outcome: As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. Ephesians 4:1-3

The critical issue in conflict management – and the one that most strongly influences one’s approach to it – is this: “What will my proper management of this conflict accomplish?” Christians who live up to their calling (v. 1) must “keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace” (v. 3); that’s the preferred outcome. So how can a godly leader approach conflict so that it cements unity between the participants?

Imagine how people would approach conflict if humility, gentleness and patience provided the context in which all participants viewed the solution, and if unity and peace were the sole motives.

You may object, “Conflict produces growth and unity? I’ve never heard of that before.” But conflict between people produces energy, and energy can be channeled in different directions. For example, a conflict between a husband and wife can serve as a venue for open and honest discussion, which can lead to greater understanding between the two and, in turn, a better relationship.

 Loving Your Way through Conflict

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.” — Matthew 5:43-45

Three ways by which we can do “love our enemies:

1. First, we must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. Such forgiveness doesn’t mean that we ignore the wrong committed against us. Rather, it means that we will no longer allow the wrong to be a barrier to the relationship. Forgiveness, according to King, “is a catalyst creating the atmosphere necessary for a fresh start and a new beginning.”

2. Second, we must recognize that the wrong we’ve suffered doesn’t entirely represent the other person’s identity. We need to acknowledge that our opponent, like each one of us, possesses both bad and good qualities. We must choose to find the good and focus on it.

3. Third, we must not seek to defeat or humiliate our opponent, but to win his or her friendship and understanding. Such an attitude flows not from ourselves, but from God as his unconditional love works through us. As followers of Christ who seek to lead as he led, we must remember that the more freely we forgive, the more clearly we reveal the nature of our heavenly Father.

(I have begun a Sunday night sermon series: Handling Conflict With Maturity)

(These materials come from many sources over the years and I am indebted to the positive approach of each)

Could Paul, David, or Peter preach at this congregation? All are known as great men of faith and yet they committed terrible sins in their adult years trying to serve the Lord.

Peter denied Christ in spite of being warned about it beforehand. David’s sin of pride cost the death of 70,000 men in 1 Chronicles 21….was also an adulterer and a murderer…yet called a “man after God’s own heart.”

Perhaps Paul gives us words to encouragement if we’re having difficulty answering the question: (1 Timothy 1:15-16)  “Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners–of whom I am the worst. {16} But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life.”

Conflict has been experienced by individuals since Adam and Eve. It has been in the church at least since Acts 6. Conflict is in the church today, and it will be in the church tomorrow. Some conflict can be prevented, and some is unhealthy.

The fact remains, though, that conflict is inherent in meeting personal and group needs. When conflict emerges as a result of growth (personal or group) or in an attempt to grow, it is natural and potentially healthy for the individual and the group. Thus, growth-oriented conflict, if managed properly, is hopeful, and is a sign of spirituality.

 There are several environments even in the Bible where conflicts arise:

• Binding laws God hasn’t bound (Matt. 15:1-9; Rev. 11:18; 3 John 9-11).
• Releasing laws God hasn’t released (Rev. 22:18).
• Worship styles (1 Cor. 10:23–11:1).
• Gossip
• Imposing traditions and culture for law (Col. 2:14-21).
• Imposing outdated law(s) (Gal. 4:9-11).
• Favoritism by parents (Rebecca/Jacob; Jacob/Joseph).
• Love of money (1 Timothy 6).
• Holding only a form of godliness.
• Foolish arguments (1 Tim. 3:3; 6:3-5; 2 Tim. 2:14; 2:23-24).
• Constant chatter.
• Hatred (Jacob/Esau).
• Pride.
• Preacheritis (1 Cor. 1:10-13).
• Mind Sets (Rom. 14:1–15:7; 1 Cor. 8:1-13).
• Words: Unkind and/or wrong time (Prov. 15:1)
• Teaching TRUTH at the wrong time (1 Cor. 3:1-2; Heb. 5:12-14)
• Meddling in quarrels w/o an invitation (Prov. 26:17; Deut. 24:11).
• Value Systems.
• Demanding a right (1 Cor. 9:1-22).
• Not keeping one’s word.
• Slander
• Mocking.
• Selfishness.
• Temper
• Anger.

 Some of the conflicts come as a result of our own preconceived ideas: the conflict between the “church of faith” and the “church of fact.” We think those in the church ought to be perfect…but we’re not perfect. And if we found a church that perfect, we’d not fit in!

These issues remind me of a saying I heard many years ago: “To dwell above with those we love, oh, that will be glory! But to live below with those who know, well, that’s another story.”

I have this statement on my desk as a daily reminder: “To err is human; to blame it on the other guy is even more human.”

 (1 John 1:9)  “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”

(1 John 4:20-21)  “If anyone says, “I love God,” yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. {21} And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother.”

 There are some conflicts which can be prevented

Some conflicts can be prevented if the individuals involved genuinely accept the fact that personal and group conflict is inevitable. Failure on the part of the group to accept this fact will contribute to unnecessary conflict. This deception influences members to use denial as a defense mechanism to keep them from facing conflict when it emerges. Conflict is dynamic; therefore, the longer it is avoided in continuing relationships, the more it grows.

Some conflicts can be prevented if the group has planned realistically and adequately for conflict resolution or management once it emerges. In many congregations there are no plans, much less realistic and adequate ones, for resolving or managing conflict.

Some conflicts can be prevented if the group members accept that when conflict emerges, it does not necessarily mean that the persons involved are guilty of sin or that they will sin by confronting it. Group leaders and members need to perceive clearly that conflict is inherent in being both an individual and a member of a group. Conflict in and of itself is not sinful. The ones who are in conflict may sin by the way they respond to each other verbally or nonverbally, but conflict in itself is not sinful.

Some conflicts can be prevented if the group members have realistic expectations of themselves. Many conflicts emerge because the group members have expectations of themselves which just are not realistic. Some of their expectations are as follows:

• We should like each other all the time and never dislike one another.
• We should always smile and be in a good mood.
• We should always be joyful and never sad.
• We should always be in agreement with each other and never disagree with one another – especially the leaders.
• We should always be on the mountain peak and never in the valley of the mountain, or we should always be up and never down.
• We should always count our assets (blessings) and never our liabilities (problems or conflicts).

Some conflicts can be prevented if the leaders and the group members set realistic and achievable goals for themselves. They must then focus on the process of achieving them instead of focusing on the goals themselves. Conflict within the group may arise from a failure to set goals, or it may result from the setting of unrealistic goals. Also, conflict may emerge as a result of focusing only on the goals instead of on the means to achieve them.

Some conflicts can be prevented if each member learns how to mind his own business. Considerable conflict may result from a member focusing on another instead of learning to think and speak for himself.

(Proverbs 26:17) “Like one who seizes a dog by the ears is a passer-by who meddles in a quarrel not his own.”

(1 Thessalonians 4:11-12) “Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, {12} so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody.”

 There are some conflicts which are unhealthy

1. A conflict is unhealthy if it is the result of the members accusing, blaming and ridiculing each other, or if they take this approach in trying to resolve an otherwise healthy conflict.

2. A conflict is unhealthy if it results from trivia and not substance. Another way of expressing the same concept is that group members must grow to the point where they differentiate their opinions from matters of faith.

3. A conflict is unhealthy if the members are arguing about words and engaging in godless chatter to avoid the deeper Intrapersonal and interpersonal components of their conflict.

(2 Timothy 2:14-17) “Keep reminding them of these things. Warn them before God against quarreling about words; it is of no value, and only ruins those who listen. {15} Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a workman who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth. {16} Avoid godless chatter, because those who indulge in it will become more and more ungodly. {17} Their teaching will spread like gangrene. Among them are Hymenaeus and Philetus,”

(2 Timothy 2:23-26) “Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. {24} And the Lord’s servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. {25} Those who oppose him he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, {26} and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will.”

(Titus 3:9-11) “But avoid foolish controversies and genealogies and arguments and quarrels about the law, because these are unprofitable and useless. {10} Warn a divisive person once, and then warn him a second time. After that, have nothing to do with him. {11} You may be sure that such a man is warped and sinful; he is self-condemned.”