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Steps You Can Take to ‘Affair Proof’ Your Marriage

03 Dec

There’s no way to absolutely guarantee that your marriage won’t be blindsided by an affair on your part or your spouse’s, but there are definite steps you can take to greatly reduce the probability of that happening.

It’s important to know what you can do to strengthen your marital connection and keep your marriage vibrant and healthy. A rewarding, satisfying marriage that meets the needs of both partners is your best protection against the destructive intrusion of an affair.

So what can you do to “affair proof” your marriage as much as possible?

Tips for Avoiding the Affair

The following twelve steps will guide you in building a stronger marriage partnership and help you and your spouse to withstand the lusty lure of temptation:

  1. Make your relationship with your spouse your top priority in the hierarchy involving family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, and others.
    Make a real commitment of time, energy, and effort to your marriage. You can end up pulled in so many different directions and over-extended that your most valuable and precious relationship can end up at the bottom of the list unless you make it a top priority.
  2. Nurture the emotional intimacy in your marriage.
    Make time to talk each day, not just about the events that have happened, but also about your feelings. Share on an emotional level—your fears, your frustrations, your joys, your disappointments, and your challenges. Let your partner know how much you value being able to talk to him or her about anything and to connect on a deep level.
  3. Show appreciation on a regular basis.
    Be generous with compliments and thank you’s. Tell your spouse at least once a week how much you appreciate him or her and list the qualities that you love, admire, and respect. Don’t worry that you’ve said these things before—no one gets tired of hearing their good traits praised!
  4. Spend time together doing fun things and just “hanging out.”
    Bonding can deepen when you and your spouse have unstructured time to just relax and hang out together. If every minute of your time together is tightly scheduled and rushed, you’ll miss out on opportunities to be spontaneous. Look for fun things to do—a picnic in the park, a hike, trying a new restaurant, going out dancing, or going swimming.
  5. Keep your sex life active.
    Sometimes being sick or fatigued gets in the way of sexual desire, as does family stress like caring for an ill or aging parent. Certainly the energy and time required to raise children can leave parents drained and “on empty.” In spite of these challenges, it’s essential to make time for sex. The sobering reality is that most spouses are more vulnerable to flirtations and sexual advances from others when their sex life is unhappy at home.
  6. Discuss and resolve issues as they come up.
    Don’t just bury them or neglect trying to resolve them. Learn how to disagree without being disagreeable and causing long-term damage to your relationship. Above all—communicate, communicate, communicate. Keep the communication door wide open at all times.
  7. Talk about the problem of infidelity and know that it can strike any marriage.
    Bring the subject out into the open and express your feelings and deepest fears. Brainstorm with your spouse about how you can keep your marriage strong and what the two of you think would be helpful in preventing an affair from happening. Commit to telling your spouse if you feel vulnerable or if things start getting out of control in any situation.
  8. Share goals for the present and future that inspire you.
    When you and your spouse share common goals that you’re passionate about, you will feel closer to each other and more connected. It helps you to feel like a real team. The feeling of partnership is important in deepening commitment to each other. Whatever your mutual dream is, the passion you bring to pursuing it can draw you closer together.
  9. Make wise decisions about contact with the opposite sex at work and other settings.
    You may encounter special situations and temptations on business trips or at business parties or in your work setting. Talk frankly with your spouse and agree on what you both feel comfortable with. If your spouse is on a business trip and the group goes out dancing, will you be upset if your spouse participates? Plan ahead and head off potential problems.
  10. Know the danger signals.
    Many affairs have started with individuals sharing intimate personal information with each other on a regular basis while not confiding in their respective spouses. Intimacy can mushroom quickly when secrecy is involved and a feeling of connection develops. Other danger signals are having increased sexual excitement about seeing someone in particular, being in settings with lots of alcohol and drinking when your spouse isn’t present, and being more vulnerable than usual due to feelings of loneliness, rejection, or anger at your spouse.
  11. Celebrate your love, anniversaries, birthdays, and other special occasions. Value your marriage and take advantage of every opportunity to celebrate, such as your wedding anniversary, the date that you met, your spouse’s birthday, and any other special days that the two of you share. This helps to keep the romance alive and also to keep your connection strong. Celebrate your love, your time together, your plans for the future, and the priceless present moment.
  12. Support each other’s goals.
    Make a commitment to help your spouse be all that he or she is capable of being. Your marriage is only strengthened when each of you is happy and fulfilled with your life. It’s to your advantage to help your spouse reach goals that are important to him or her, even if they aren’t your particular goals. Be positive and encouraging of your spouse’s desires to live up to his or her potential. —By Nancy Wasson, Ph.D.
 
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Posted by on December 3, 2017 in Marriage

 

Defeating the Goliath in your life  – 1 Samuel 17

30 Nov

Have you met your Goliath? Goliath is that great big giant of an obstacle that seems unbeatable, and impossible to defeat.  It is that one huge problem that you think just might be your undoing — a difficulty so great that it has you entertaining the thought that you are close to throwing in the towel.

Perhaps you have met him in the past.  Or maybe Goliath is troubling you even now.  Most of us have a Goliath or two in our lives. I want to encourage you to confront Goliath today — to deal with this enemy that robs your life of hope and joy.

King Saul of Israel had been fighting tooth and nail for most of his life for every inch of the Promised Land. Even though the land was “Promised,” it did not come easy. (Most promised lands are that way – we have to work and struggle for them.)  Ever since the day Joshua took over the leadership of Israel from Moses, there had been a struggle.  On that very first day when they crossed the Jordan River to head westward to their promised homeland, there was no welcome sign saying, Welcome to the Promised Land!”

Lately, the Philistines had been gaining the upper hand. King Saul was getting older and very weary. Now things had really taken a turn for the worse. The Philistines unveiled their “secret weapon” – a nine foot nine giant named Goliath. This powerful, fearsome creature was out daily taunting the Israelites, issuing a challenge that had King Saul’s army cringing behind their shields. There wasn’t a soldier in the camp who wanted to take on Goliath. Fear and despair took hold in the camp and ate away the courage of every last man. Each day Goliath looked bigger and the soldiers of Saul felt smaller.

You and I probably have times when our Goliaths seem to grow as we seem to shrink. On one particular day, Goliath began shouting insults to the soldiers of Israel and he challenged them to a fight. 

Let’s read 1 Samuel 17:8-11 (NIV) Goliath stood and shouted to the ranks of Israel, “Why do you come out and line up for battle? Am I not a Philistine, and are you not the servants of Saul? Choose a man and have him come down to me. 9  If he is able to fight and kill me, we will become your subjects; but if I overcome him and kill him, you will become our subjects and serve us.” 10  Then the Philistine said, “This day I defy the ranks of Israel! Give me a man and let us fight each other.” 11  On hearing the Philistine’s words, Saul and all the Israelites were dismayed and terrified.

After hearing these threats, an adolescent shepherd boy named David looked around and asked “Who is this person who is insulting the armies of God?” You see, David wasn’t afraid of the Philistine giant. King Saul sent for David and this is the conversation they had: 1 Samuel 17:32-37 (NIV) David said to Saul, “Let no one lose heart on account of this Philistine; your servant will go and fight him.” 33  Saul replied, “You are not able to go out against this Philistine and fight him; you are only a boy, and he has been a fighting man from his youth.” 34  But David said to Saul, “Your servant has been keeping his father’s sheep. When a lion or a bear came and carried off a sheep from the flock, 35  I went after it, struck it and rescued the sheep from its mouth. When it turned on me, I seized it by its hair, struck it and killed it. 36  Your servant has killed both the lion and the bear; this uncircumcised Philistine will be like one of them, because he has defied the armies of the living God. 37  The LORD who delivered me from the paw of the lion and the paw of the bear will deliver me from the hand of this Philistine.” Saul said to David, “Go, and the LORD be with you.” .

So David, instead of putting on armor and a sword, chose to dress casually…carrying only a sling in his hand…with five smooth stones that he collected from the stream.  He was ready for war.  Listen to what David said when he confronted Goliath: (vs. 45-47). David took out a stone, and slung it and it struck Goliath on the forehead and killed him.  The young, weak boy defeated his Goliath.

WE NEED TO TRUST GOD. When David went to fight Goliath, it was not the standard resources that David was trusting in. It was not the armor of Saul or the strength of the whole Israelite army, but it was GOD…David believed that God would defeat Goliath.  If David had bought into the standard thinking, he would have been killed.  He thought outside the box!  God was his strength and the battle was the Lord’s — not his.

When we come to those times of confrontation with Goliath, our first line of defense is our relationship with God.  We must trust in His strength…no matter what others may consider the best way out of our difficulties. No matter what problem or Goliath we may be facing…God can deliver us. Our problems can be solved by trusting and relying upon God!

Most of us, like the Israelites hear the threats of Goliath and loose heart.  We would really like to have the courage of David and his trust in God, but we don’t quite get around to entering the field of battle.

So I would like to ask you for a verdict today. I would like to encourage you to decide to conquer Goliath.  If you will make that decision, surrender your resources – however small or meager – into the hands of God and trust the Lord to walk with you into the battle…You will make a wonderful discovery — a life changing discovery.

You will discover that Goliath is just a wee little man after all!

———————————-

They say there are not atheists in foxholes. It’s amazing how religious and how spiritual we get under pressure in a moment of bargaining.

It was that great American wit, Mark Twain, who once said, “Man is the only animal that blushes, and the only animal that needs to. We are ashamed, are we not, of things we’ve done in the past. Nobody is free who is unforgiven. Instead of being able to look God in the face or to look one another in the face, we want to run away and hide when our conscience troubles us.”

 

 
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Posted by on November 30, 2017 in counsel, Encouragement

 

From Doubt to Faith John 20:24-29

27 Nov

Why is it that some people believe the gospel and others do not? Perhaps the experience of Thomas can supply at least some of the answers to this question. From this text we can observe three barriers to faith that Thomas had to overcome in order to believe in the resurrected Lord.

Ignorance

One of the reasons Thomas was slow to believe in the resurrection of Christ is that he did not have all the evidence. The resurrected Christ had appeared to the disciples and gladdened their hearts with his presence (John 20:19-23). But, as our text reminds us (v. 24), Thomas had not been among them. He had spent a whole week in doubt and despair because he was absent from the place where he was most likely to meet Christ. He did not expose himself to all of the evidence.

Thomas is an example of a whole generation of doubters who have systematically detached themselves from the believing community. There are many people who seek to be good without God, a Christian without the church. Such people are ripe for doubt.

The honest searcher will seek faith where other people have found it. He will expose himself to the evidence of God’s reality—to the contagion of other people’s faith, to the preaching and teaching of the word of God. Why is it that people who doubt God the most are often the very ones who know the least about Him?

Cynicism

Thomas was from Missouri. “Show me,” was the motto of his life. Doubt was woven deep into the fabric of his life. He seems to have been cynical by nature. In the two other glimpses John gives us of Thomas he is consistently in the role of the skeptic, fearing the worst and slow to believe (John 11:16; 14:5). The cynicism and skepticism he displays in this third and final episode thus seem typical of his very disposition.

Like Thomas, it is harder for some people to believe today because they are cynical and skeptical in their basic approach to all of life. Sometimes the cruel and “unfair” blows of life make it difficult for people to profess any kind of faith in God. This is true of some of the more notable skeptics of recent history. There are many people reeling from life’s blows who have hardened their hearts to God and everybody else.

Empiricism

“Unless I see… touch… I will not believe.” (v. 25) Thomas was an empiricist. He was one of those people for whom “seeing is believing.” As such he is a fitting model for our times. Since God cannot be “seen” or “heard” or “touched,” some people are slow to acknowledge his existence. They have a tendency to trust only what their senses can confirm.

But so much of life is beyond that which can be perceived by our senses. We have never “smelled” an idea, “felt” a truth, put our “finger” on a thought. These realities are perceived in other ways. Such is the nature of “spiritual” realities. Our senses can take us to the edges of life, but they cannot take us beyond this life. Faith and faith alone can take us beyond this life.

It’s my greatest blessing in life to have known men and women who “lived their whole life for their death.” People who loved the Lord daily and longed for eternity moment by moment.

They understood that the most important things in life are things we cannot see.  They knew a faith that hasn’t been tested can’t be trusted. Their motto: without Christ, not one step; with him, anywhere!

As Abraham Lincoln said, “Faith is not believing that God can, but that God will!” Faith has never yet out-stripped the bounty of the Lord. Faith is a gift that we can ask for.

Conclusion

For us, like Thomas, the key to overcoming doubt is a personal encounter with the risen Lord. For Thomas this happened when he “saw” the Savior. For us it happens as we chose to accept the testimony of the Scriptures concerning him and trust in him to save us. “Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed” (v. 29).

 
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Posted by on November 27, 2017 in Encouragement

 

How you answer this question can change your marriage  

22 Nov

Imagine the following scenario. Your spouse has given you an important letter to mail and is counting on you to mail it on your way to work. But you slip up… You forget all about it until you’re on the way home. “Oh #$@!!” is your first reaction. You know the spouse will be upset.

You frantically search the car and your briefcase for the letter, but it’s gone. You can’t find it anywhere. Now what do you do? What will you tell your spouse when you get home and he (or she) asks you if you mailed the letter?

Will you say, “It got lost” or will you say, “I lost it”? Your answer to this question gives insight into your willingness to accept responsibility for your actions. According to Sidney J. Harris, “We have not passed that subtle line between childhood and adulthood until…we have stopped saying ‘It got lost,’ and say ‘I lost it.'”

As long as you avoid taking responsibility for your actions or you look for reasons to avoid admitting you goofed, you’re not being honest with yourself. When you accept responsibility and stop rationalizing and blaming, then you can start to focus on what you can do differently that will produce different results next time.

This is not easy to do. Especially if we’re in the habit of placing blame elsewhere. Accepting responsibility in a marriage takes courage, above all when a spouse is at fault.

Mark, a long­time procrastinator, always had a list of reasons why he hadn’t been able to get around to doing the house maintenance chores. It was too cold or too hot, he was too tired, or he didn’t have the right tools or enough time. He would always promise to do the chores another day. Mark’s behavior greatly irritated his wife Anne, and she began to resent his constant excuses.

It wasn’t until Anne expressed her dissatisfaction with their marriage, giving Mark’s habitual procrastination as one of the reasons, that Mark really looked closely at how his behavior was hurting his marriage relationship. In marriage counseling sessions, he learned to take responsibility for his part in what happened each day. He also learned to pay attention to the words he selected to describe what happened.

Mark learned that when he said, “There wasn’t enough time to fix the faucet,” he often really meant, “I didn’t schedule enough time to complete the job today.” And if he went a step further and was even more honest, he also meant, “I don’t really want to do this, so I’m putting it off.”

Once Mark was more aware of his behavior patterns, he was able to have an honest talk with Anne. He told her that while he didn’t mind doing some of the repair jobs, he really didn’t want to have to spend the time the others would require. They talked it over and decided to hire someone to do the repairs Mark knew he would in all probability never get around to doing. He made a resolution not to make promises unless he really planned to keep them. He also resolved to be honest with Anne upfront instead of dragging things out for months.

These changes made a major difference in Mark and Anne’s relationship. Anne didn’t feel like “the nagging wife” any longer, and Mark didn’t mislead her by making false promises. Less friction in the marriage allowed them to focus on each other’s good points and to enjoy more harmony in their relationship.

 
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Posted by on November 22, 2017 in Marriage

 

Rest for the Weary — Matthew 11:28-30

20 Nov

 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. {29} Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. {30} For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Jesus spoke to men desperately trying to find God and desperately trying to be good, who were finding the tasks impossible and who were driven to weariness and to despair.

Our age has produced a new malady. It is called “chronic fatigue syndrome.” There is a sense in which all of us suffer from it. If we are nothing else, we are tired. When we come to Christ, we come to One who can give us rest.

A Common Problem — We are all tired from something. Fatigue occasionally overtakes even the strongest among us.  We are tired physically and mentally from the everyday struggle to make ends meet. We are tired emotionally from wrestling with dysfunctional relationships, unrealized dreams, and heartbreaking loss.  Ironically, we are tired spiritually from trying to live up to our faith.

Fatigue can do strange things to us. Vince Lombardi, the great football coach, once said, “Fatigue makes cowards of us all.”  It can even affect an entire generation, like Israel in the wilderness, who began grumbling. It can break our resolve to go on.

A Comforting Promise—“I will give you rest.”  If just anyone made this promise, we might find it empty. If a politician or even a physician made this promise, we would take it with a grain of salt. There are some things other people just can’t do for us.  But when Jesus makes a promise, we stop and listen. His promises are anything but empty. He has both the integrity and power to deliver on His word. We stake our eternal destinies on the reliability of his promises. We must take this one seriously as well.

A Challenging Prescription—“take my yoke upon you and learn of me.” He says, “My yoke is easy.”  The word easy is in Greek chrestos, which can mean well-fitting.  In Palestine ox-yokes were made of wood; the ox was brought, and the measurements were taken.  The yoke was then roughed out, and the ox was brought back to have the yoke tried on.  The yoke was carefully adjusted, so that it would fit well, and not gall the neck of the patient beast.  The yoke was tailor-made to fit the ox.

Jesus’ next words are surprising. We often seek rest by escaping, getting away, relieving ourselves of responsibility. Instead Jesus calls us to a new task. While we are looking for a hammock, Jesus calls us to a yoke! He calls us to find rest by voluntarily placing ourselves under a new burden. Jesus’ words teach us the real cause of fatigue and the nature of true rest.

Jesus says, “My burden is light.”  As a Rabbi had it:  “My burden has become my song.”  It is not that the burden is easy to carry; but it is laid on us in love; it is meant to be carried in love; and love makes even the heaviest burden light.  When we remember the love of God, when we know that our burden is to love God and to love men, then the burden becomes a song. 

The problem with our lives is not that we must work, that we must serve some master, perform some task. The problem is really what “work” we choose to do and whom we choose to serve. The kind of rest Jesus offers is not relief from the tasks necessary to sustain us or even freedom from all of life’s trials. Those early disciples who took Him up on this promise still had to labor for bread and face life’s difficulties. The kind of rest Jesus offers is a peace of mind, a calmness of spirit that comes from knowing our lives are being lived within His will. It is the kind of rest that accompanies a life that is rescued from self-made anxieties and stresses. Even the unavoidable work of meeting basic needs is made less tiring by the reassurance that the Savior is looking after us.

Conclusion

People wear all kinds of “yokes.” Some are slaves to ambition, to greed, to materialism, to lust, to alcohol, to pride and all of its evils. These are the things that truly exhaust us. By placing ourselves under the yoke of the gentle, humble Savior our lives are liberated from the exhaustion of all these things and set free to work purposefully unto true satisfaction and fulfillment.

 
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Posted by on November 20, 2017 in Encouragement

 

The value of faith

16 Nov

Faith is like love in that it, too, is always beginning. For example, in the Gospel of John, the disciples had already come to have faith in Jesus by the time we reach chapter 11.

Andrew believed on the day when he left John the Baptist to follow Jesus (1:41), Philip believed on the day when Jesus called him (1:45), and Nathanael believed when Jesus said He had seen him under the fig tree (1:49).

The disciples who attended the wedding feast in Cana believed when they saw that Jesus had turned the water into wine (2:11). We are told that Peter and the other disciples who witnessed the feeding of the five thousand and heard the Bread of Life discourse also believed (6:69). Even after all of these statements of faith, Jesus told His disciples that He was glad for the opportunity to raise Lazarus so that they might believe (11:15)!

Faith is like that–always beginning.

Many of us already believe, at least to some degree. Then, one day, we face something that is so lifechanging that we never look at faith in the same way again. This encounter may be a blessing or a trial, the birth of a child or a fifty-foot fall. Suddenly, we see everything differently, and it seems that faith is beginning all over!

Today the Gospel of John calls us to believe (20:31). Many of us hear that call and think, “I already believe.” However, if we will listen and seek and follow, we may find that faith is only beginning in us!

FAITH IS FULL OF PROMISE

When Martha met Jesus outside of Bethany, her brother had been in the tomb for four days. She lamented that if Jesus had only been there, her brother would not have died.

In response to her grief, Jesus said, “I am the resurrection and the life; he who believes in Me shall live even if he dies, and everyone who lives and believes in Me shall never die. Do you believe this?” (11:25, 26).

Jesus’ words provide a powerful motivation to believe. Faith is hard work, and a lazy person will simply not put forth the effort. We do not believe just because we want to believe, but we will never believe if we do not want to believe. Faith involves dedication, obedience, sacrifice, and, oftentimes, tears. However, a rich promise is made to all who will believe.

In this respect, faith is like hard work in college; the student does it because of the promised payoff of getting a good job. Working hard at one’s career is rewarded with a good paycheck or promotion. Make no mistake about this: Faith does not earn a reward, but God’s promises are what motivate us to continue down the long, difficult, sometimes trying road to faith.

FAITH IS FOCUSED ON JESUS

John’s faith moves us toward faith in Jesus. What we need is not faith in parents, faith in the apostles, faith in other Christians, faith in the church, or even faith in faith. Rather, we need faith in Jesus.

In Martha’s powerful statement of faith, she told Jesus, “… I have believed that You are the Christ, the Son of God, even He who comes into the world” (11:27; emphasis mine). When Jesus, His disciples, Martha, Mary, and the crowd of mourners were later gathered outside Lazarus’ tomb, Jesus prayed to the Father, saying, “And I knew that Thou hearest Me always; but because of the people standing around I said it, that they may believe that Thou didst send Me” (11:42).

This is consistent with the rest of the Gospel of John, where the purpose is to produce faith “that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God” (20:31).gods-wisdom

John Paton was a missionary to Africa who taught and baptized a large number of people. Because the Bible was not available in the language of the people he was teaching, Paton began the long and difficult work of Bible translating.

The task went fairly smoothly until he began trying to translate the word “believe.” As strange as it may seem, there was no word in this language for “believe.” How could one possibly translate the Bible without a word for “believe”?

Then, one day as Paton was struggling with this linguistic problem, a Christian man from the village came to visit him. This man had been working hard all day and was exhausted.

When he sat down in a chair he gave a weary sigh of relief and said, “It is so good to lean your whole weight on something.” Paton realized that he had found an expression for “believe”: To believe is to “put your whole weight on Jesus.”‘ Faith is focused on Jesus and nothing less.

FAITH IS DIVISIVE

As the people stood outside Lazarus’ tomb and saw him walk out alive, they were presented with an unavoidable fork in the road. They had seen Lazarus dead, had prepared him for burial, had placed him in a tomb, and had placed a stone over the mouth of the cave.

They were eyewitnesses to these events. Then, because of Jesus’ miracle, these same people had become witnesses of Lazarus’ rising! Would they believe? They could not avoid making a decision.

John recorded the division that took place among the observers of the miracle that day:

 “Many therefore of the Jews, who had come to Mary and beheld what He had done, believed in Him. But some of them went away to the Pharisees, and told them the things which Jesus had done” (11:45, 46).

Amazingly, these people all witnessed the same events but reacted in opposite ways. Some saw that they were in the presence of the power of God, so they placed their faith in Jesus that day. Others only “saw” a juicy piece of gossip and scurried off to Jerusalem to tell the Jewish leaders about the stir created by Jesus.

The division among the people that day is no insignificant part of the story. On the contrary, division is the very nature of the story of Jesus: When people hear about Jesus, they are forced to make a decision, one way or the other, about His true identity. There is no neutral ground.

Jesus and the apostle John both push us relentlessly toward a decision. Is Jesus the Son of God, or was He a fraud? Either He is divine, or He was a blasphemer deserving death. What is your decision?

FAITH IS THREATENING

Some of those who had witnessed Lazarus’ resurrection went to the chief priests and the Pharisees in Jerusalem to tell them what the teacher from Nazareth had done.

As they made their report, they complained, “If we let Him go on like this, all men will believe in Him, and the Romans will come and take away both our place and our nation” (11:48).

They realized that faith in Jesus would change lives, change families, and even change a nation. They realized–perhaps better than most Christians today–· just how “dangerous” faith is.

An old song says about love that “it will lift you up, never let you down, take your world and turn it all around. The same should be said about faith in Jesus.

The tendency today is to expect too little in regard to faith. Many Christians have made faith too easy, too soft, too undemanding.

Wilbur Pees expressed this tendency in the following sarcastic paragraph: I would like to buy $3 worth of God, please, not enough to explode my soul or disturb my sleep, but just enough to equal a cup of warm milk or a snooze in the sunshine. I don’t want enough of Him to make me love a black man or pick beets with a migrant. I want ecstasy, not transformation; I want the warmth of the womb, not a new birth. I want a pound of the Eternal in a paper sack. I would like to buy $3 worth of God, please”

The faith to which Jesus invites us may well change our entire lives. John wanted to make sure that we understand the possible costs involved in following Jesus. We may suffer, we may be persecuted, and we may lose everything we own. Compared with the rich promises of faith, the costs seem strangely insignificant!

 

 
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Posted by on November 16, 2017 in Encouragement

 

The Restoration Plea

13 Nov

The Restoration Plea has been taught in our land for two centuries now, yet many in this generation have not heard it. It says:

Let us speak where the Bible speaks and be silent where the Bible is silent. Let us call Bible things by Bible names and do Bible things in Bible ways. Let’s restore the church as it was in the days of the apostles.

When one speaks of a restoration plea, four things are implied.

1. The restoration plea implies that God had a plan for the church.

In the basement of America’s largest home, the Biltmore mansion in Asheville, North Carolina, there is a model of the structure. The model was completed first as a guide to build the home. In Barcelona, Spain, you can visit the still unfinished Sagrada Familia Church. Construction began in 1882, so they have been working on it for over 100 years. They have a model of what the building will look like when it is finished.

The restoration plea implies that God had a plan for the church, which He revealed to man (Isaiah 2:2-4; Daniel 2:44; Ephesians 3:10-11).

Isaiah prophesied of the coming kingdom, showing that God was already making plans for the church seven centuries before it came to be (Isaiah 2:2-4). Isaiah said God would “teach us of his ways, and we will walk in his paths.” Jesus sent out the apostles to teach those paths Mark 16:15-16). Since the early church “continued stedfastly in the apostles’ doctrine” (Acts 2:42; Acts 4:32), we know God’s messengers got His plan for the church delivered to the early Christians. Just as the fullness of God is in Christ (Colossians 1:19; Colossians 2:9) and God has no plans for salvation for the world outside of Christ (John 14:6; Acts 4:12), so the church is the fullness of Christ, and Christ has no plans for the world outside of His church (Ephesians 3:21).

2. The restoration plea implies that God expects us to continue to follow his plan.

The restoration plea implies that God expects us to continue to follow His plan in each succeeding generation. Paul wrote, “The things that thou hast heard of me among many witnesses, the same commit thou to faithful men, who shall be able to teach others also” (2 Timothy 2:2). God wanted His pattern followed century after century.

The Bible emphasizes patterns. 

In constructing the tabernacle, Moses was warned by God that he must “make all things according to the pattern” (Exodus 25:40; Hebrews 8:5). Paul spoke of the “pattern of sound words” (2 Timothy 1:13 asv) which early Christians were taught and in which they were to abide (2 Timothy 3:14). These Christians obeyed a “form” of doctrine (Romans 6:17-18) and “marked” (were on the lookout for) those who departed from that pattern (Romans 16:17). When it came to the doctrine of the New Testament, they earnestly contended for the faith (Jude 3), were warned about falling away from the faith (cf. 2 Thessalonians 2:3; 1 Timothy 4:1-3; 2 Timothy 4:1-4), and not to go “beyond the things which are written” (1 Corinthians 4:6 asv). Each generation was charged not to teach a “different doctrine” (1 Timothy 1:3 ASV).

Warnings not to go beyond the teaching of Christ abound in the New Testament (Galatians 1:6-9; Matthew 15:13; 2 Corinthians 11:3; Revelation 22:18-19). John said explicitly:

Whosoever transgresseth, and abideth not in the doctrine of Christ, hath not God. He that abideth in the doctrine of Christ, he hath both the Father and the Son. If there come any unto you, and bring not this doctrine, receive him not into your house, neither bid him God speed: for he that biddeth him God speed is partaker of his evil deeds (2 John 1:9-11).

3. The restoration plea implies that man left God’s pattern.

By becoming too well known, a product can lose its distinctiveness. The Trademark Association calls this problem “genericide.” Marlin Connelly gives some examples:

  • All facial tissue is called Kleenex,
  • Any gelatin dessert is Jello,
  • Any clear, sticky tape is Scotch Tape,
  • Any carbonated drink is a Coke (at least in the South),
  • Any adhesive bandage is a Band-Aid.

This has happened to the words Christian and Christianity. Once brand names for a definite product, they are now used for any kind of vague religiosity connected loosely with the historical Christ. In the minds of some, the rigid New Testament ethical code is now fluid and accommodating. Doctrines that in Bible times were black and white are now gray and faded. Practices that were then commanded are now optional. For instance, the creed book of the largest Protestant denomination states:

It is most likely that in the Apostolic age when there was but “one Lord, one faith, and one baptism,” and no differing denominations existed, the baptism of a convert by that very act constituted him a member of the church, and at once endowed him with all the rights and privileges of full membership. In that sense, “baptism was the door into the church.” Now, it is different.²

God has not changed His mind.

Why is it different today? God has not changed His mind. Men have usurped authority not belonging to them and changed God’s church into something different from what He intended. Surely God wants us to return to His original vision for the church.

4. The restoration plea implies that God wants his people to restore his original pattern today.

In the long ago, God’s prophet urged, as we do today, “Stand ye in the ways, and see, and ask for the old paths, where is the good way, and walk therein, and ye shall find rest for your souls” (Jeremiah 6:16). Let’s go out among our neighbors with an open Bible and call them back to these old paths.

Endnotes:

¹These points are not original, but I do not know from whom I first heard or read them.

²Hiscox, Edward T. 1890. The Standard Manual for Baptist Churches. Philadelphia, PA: The American Baptist Publication Society, page 22.

 
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Posted by on November 13, 2017 in Church

 

Who Is a Christian?

08 Nov

 The term “Christian” is found three times in the New Testament. It is employed initially in conjunction with the ministry of Barnabas and Saul in Antioch of Syria. ”… the disciples were called Christians first in Antioch” (Acts 11:26).

Later, when pressed with evidence for the validity of the Christian system, Herod Agrippa II said: “Almost thou persuadest me to be a Christian” (26:28). The King James Version suggests a man who is wrestling with his conscience. Others feel that the ruler’s remark is cynical: “Do you think that in such a short time you can persuade me to be a Christian?” (NIV). Perhaps the truth is somewhere between the two. The king’s comment may reflect a respectful evasion.

Finally, Peter writes: ”… if any man suffer as a Christian, let him not be ashamed; but let him glorify God in this name” (1 Pet. 4:16).

Some—especially those who are enamored with humanly devised religious titles—contend that the name Christian was initially given in derision. Moffatt suggested that it was “coined by the pagan slang” of the citizens of Antioch (p. 316), and countless others have echoed that sentiment, including some of the restoration heritage (Campbell, p. 95).

We reject this assertion for the following reasons:

  1. The Old Testament spoke of a new and everlasting name to be bestowed upon the people of God in the gospel age (Isa. 56:5,6; 62:2; 65:14,15). If this was not the name “Christian,” then what was the new name?
  2. Isaiah especially associated the reception of the new name with the call of the Gentiles (62:2); the name Christian was not given until the Gentiles were admitted into the church (cf. Acts 10; 11:26).
  3. The term chrematizo (translated “were called” – Acts 11:26) is employed nine times in the New Testament. It is, without exception, used in contexts wherein the calling is of God. Some suggest that the grammatical construction of this passage indicates that the name was bestowed by Barnabas and Saul (Woods, p. 67).
  4. It is inconceivable that Peter would have encouraged the early saints to “glorify God” (1 Pet. 4:16) by the use of a paganistically bestowed “slang” term. The early disciples did not adopt other pejorative titles (cf. Acts 24:5,14).
  5. Paul rebuked the Corinthian brothers for wearing human names, e.g., Paul, Apollos, and Cephas, because, he said, these men were not crucified for you, nor were you immersed into their names (1 Cor. 1:12,13). The implication clearly is that since Christ was crucified for them, and as they had been baptized into His name, they had the right to wear His name. What would that have been if not “Christian?”
  6. There is another indication that the Christian name was divinely bestowed. James wrote concerning that “honorable name” which the Christians had “called upon” (passive voice form) them (5:7). “This expression clearly reveals its OT background (Deut. 28:10; 2 Chron. 7:14; Amos 9:12). A man was dedicated to God by calling God’s name over him. The act indicated that he belonged to God. So Christians bear the worthy name of Christ as indication that they are his people” (Burdick, p. 179).

BecomingaChristianGranted, then, the term was divinely imposed, and thus is to be worn with honor and dignity—precisely who is a Christian?

False Criteria for Identifying the Christian

Before addressing this theme positively, let us consider some false standards by which some are perceived as Christians.

An American
A few might reason thusly. America is a Christian nation. But I am a citizen of this nation. Thus, I am a Christian. The major premise of the argument is false. America is not a Christian nation. No nation (except that spiritual nation, the church – Mt. 21:43; 1 Pet. 2:9) is Christian. One is not a Christian by virtue of residence.

A Moralist
Others would suggest that if one lives by high moral principles, he or she is surely a Christian person. If one is a providing father, loving mother, or benevolent neighbor, then the individual is perceived as a Christian.

But what of the Jew who attempts to live an ethical life? Is he a Christian? He certainly would repudiate the designation!

Or consider the case of Bertrand Russell. The British philosopher was once asked this question: “Can an agnostic be a Christian?” He replied: “If you mean by a ‘Christian’ a man who loves his neighbor, who has wide sympathy with suffering, and who ardently desires a world freed from the cruelties and abominations which at present disfigure it, then, certainly, you will be justified in calling me a Christian” (1975, p. 289).

Was Russell a Christian—in any sense of the term? Far from it. He once gave a lecture, which was later printed and widely distributed, titled: “Why I am not a Christian” (1967).

One is not a Christian merely because he endorses certain moral principles that are taught in the Scriptures.

 A Theist
Some would argue perhaps that one who merely believes in God is a Christian. Certainly all Christians believe in God, but not everyone who believes in God is a Christian. Jews believe in God, and so do Moslems, but neither are Christians—nor do they profess to be.

We must remember that belief in God, without a corresponding faith in Christ, is worthless. Jesus declared: ”… he that rejects me, rejects him that sent me” (Lk. 10:16). The Lord was unyielding in His declaration: “I am the way, and the truth, and the life: no one comes unto the Father, but by me” (Jn. 14:6).

 A “Faith Only” Believer in Christ
There is a vast body of people that endorses the concept that anyone who believes in Christ, i.e., he subscribes to the truth that Jesus is the Son of God, is a Christian person. That simply is not the case.

Note this principle. During the personal ministry of Jesus, there were Jews who observed His miracles and who believed the message He proclaimed; yet, they were still identified as children of Satan.

Consider the case detailed in John 8. The record indicates that as the Lord taught, “many believed on him” (8:30). Christ thus spoke to those who “had believed him” (8:31). As the dialog heated up, Jesus charged: “You are of your father the devil, and the lusts of your father it is your will to do” (8:44).

They were believers in a sense, yet still unregenerate. Or reflect further upon the episode of chapter 12.

“Nevertheless even of the rulers many believed on him; but because of the Pharisees they did not confess it, lest they should be put out of the synagogue: for they loved the glory that is of men more than the glory that is of God” (12:42).

Will anyone be so reckless as to contend that these “believers” were right with God? It takes more than mere mental belief in the Lord to bring about one’s salvation.

 A Church Member

Some feel that so long as one is a member of some church he or she must be a Christian. What of those who are members of the Unitarian Universalist Church? These folks do not even believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God. Are they Christians simply because they are members in a “church”?

Hundreds of churches populate our land of which God is not the author. All Christians are in the church of Jesus Christ, but not all “church members” are Christians.

Baptized People
Many doubtless believe that anyone who has submitted to any form of “Christian baptism” is obviously a Christian. The problem with that is this. Not every person who has surrendered to “baptism” has yielded to the genuine rite, as the ordinance is set forth in the New Testament.

For example, some have had water sprinkled upon them, believing this was baptism, when, in fact, sprinkling (or pouring) is not baptism at all. Baptism is an immersion in water (Balz & Schneider, pp. 192ff), and nothing short of that is in harmony with the will of God.

Aside from that, it is possible to be immersed and still not be a Christian, provided the teaching received prior to the act was either incomplete or inaccurate. The case in Acts 19 demonstrates this.

When Paul arrived in Ephesus he encountered twelve men who had been immersed with the baptism that had been operative during the ministry of John the Baptizer. Obviously, however, they had submitted to John’s baptism after it had already become obsolete.

Accordingly, even though the form (i.e., immersion) was correct, their understanding of other matters was deficient. These men were thus not Christians. However, they became such when they were baptized into the name of the Lord Jesus (19:5; cf. 2:38; 22:16).

It is imperative that one have accurate teaching and a proper comprehension (e.g., the purpose of the ordinance) before submitting to baptism, if he expects to be recognized by God as a Christian.

 Becoming a Christian
How does one become a Christian? The answer to this important question is not dependent upon idle speculation. Clear and compelling biblical evidence reveals the truth of this matter.

Consider Matthew’s record of the Great Commission.
“Go ye therefore, and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them into the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit; teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I commanded you: and lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world” (28:19,20).

The verb matheteusate (“make disciples”) is in the imperative mood (a command), and is followed by a participle (“baptizing”) which sets forth “the manner in which the given action was performed” (Green, p. 332). Thus a person is made a “disciple” (in this specialized use of the term) by being immersed into a relationship with the sacred Trinity.

Later disciples become known as “Christians” (Acts 11:26). Thus one becomes a Christian initially when he or she is immersed into Christ.

Those who refuse immersion, as that ordinance is precisely described in the New Testament, are simply not Christians—no matter how sincere they may be. An emotional inclination toward the Son of God is no substitute for genuine obedience.

Paul made it clear that wearing the name of Christ (i.e., being a Christian) was dependent upon accepting the fact that the Lord was crucified on one’s behalf, and being immersed into His name (1 Cor. 1:13). Anyone who neglects either of these components cannot be recognized as a Christian.

An analysis of 1 Peter 4:16,17 further clarifies this issue. We reproduce the passage as follows, emphasizing certain key expressions.

But if any man suffer as a Christian, let him not be ashamed; but let him glorify God in this name. For the time is come for judgment to begin at the house of God: and if it begin first at us, what shall be the end of them that obey not the gospel of God?”

There are several equivalent terms as the foregoing emphases reveal. To be a Christian is the same as being in the house of God. But the house of God is the church (1 Tim. 3:15). Thus, it is clear that Christians are in the church.

But membership in the church is the same as membership in the body (Col. 1:18,24). Therefore, Christians are those who are in the body of Christ. However, one is baptized into the body (1 Cor. 12:13).

We are thus driven to the conclusion that only those who have been biblically immersed are Christians.

Note also, as suggested above, that the Christian is set in vivid contrast to those who have not obeyed the gospel.

The foregoing considerations make it apparent that there are strict scriptural conditions for becoming a Christian. The loose way in which the term “Christian” is employed today is not at all consistent with the biblical use of this sacred designation.13321734_1158225197561653_8884668961001310306_n

 
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Posted by on November 8, 2017 in Church

 

Stressed spelled backwards is desserts

06 Nov

cropped-13417416_1089550607782925_630592262196408666_n.pngYou may have heard that stressed spelled backwards is desserts, but what does that really mean? Will eating a twinkie help you manage your kids better…should you eat ice cream right before a job interview… is there a way you can find time to have your cake and eat it too?

Before we can answer that question we need to define exactly what stress is. Simply put, stress is a bodily response to any change that occurs around you.

In many cases the change is a good thing (like buying a house or coming inside from a cold day) and your body makes the necessary adjustments to deal with the change. If the change is small you may not even notice these changes, but if it is significant you may feel your muscles getting tense, feel your heart pounding, get clammy hands or feel your stomach tighten.

Using this surge of energy to respond to the change and then letting your body relax is actually the way God planned it to be. It is this type of stress that helps you focus on an important goal and makes you very productive in coming up with a solution to a tough problem.

Using stress this way also leaves people with a real sense of accomplishment, especially when the task is done and you allow yourself to wind down. The problem comes though, of course, when there is more stress than you can handle and the chance to relax never comes.

When this state of constant stress happens, people begin to become anxious, worry and get ‘stressed-out’. As Americans, we also tend to push our bodies pretty hard. Trying to get all our work done on top of social and family commitments means that there is less time for our body to rest. As your body tries to stay healthy despite high levels of stress, you will probably begin to feel stress in one or more of the following ways.

  • Physically: you may experience fatigue, headaches, neck and back pains, sleeping problems, loss of appetite, ulcers, cramps and diarrhea, colitis, high blood pressure, skin rashes, abnormal heart beat and even heart attacks, strokes and seizures.
  • Emotionally: you may become depressed, irritable, moody, impatient, overly sensitive, anxious, or have trouble with memory and concentration.
  • Behaviorally you may suffer from repetitive thoughts, compulsive eating, avoidance of work, and we may turn more often to alcohol, drugs and coffee.

Although these symptoms are not very pleasant, these warning signs are necessary for your body to warn you so that the stress you feel now won’t leave any permanent damage later. To insure this damage does not occur, several practical techniques have been developed to first help you reduce and then manage the stress in your life.

First, researchers agree that you must identify the major stressors in your life. Whether it is the everyday demands of work and home, major life changes or simply the accumulation of several minor annoyances and irritations, it is important to determine which are problem areas of stress for you. The following is an incomplete list of some of the most common stressors people face:

  • Balancing multiple responsibilities (job, family, school, friends, etc.)
  • Change in job situation (promotion, demotion or unemployment)
  • Death or lengthy illness (either loved ones or self)
  • Divorce or Separation (either parent or self)
  • Financial instability
  • Lack of sleep or adequate relaxation
  • Life worries (death, meaning of life, etc.)
  • Moving
  • Peer pressure
  • Relational difficulties
  • Substance abuse (caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, drugs etc.)
  • Unfinished tasks

Secondly, you must begin to reduce the amount of stress in your life. Recognize that there are things that you cannot change. Try setting aside less critical tasks until later and/or giving yourself a short break to gain a better perspective. Take control of your life by not allowing yourself to take on new commitments (even if they seem attractive), and work to reduce or finish your existing commitments.

Next, it is time to develop better coping skills; changes in life will cause less stress if you can be prepared for them. When dealing with a stressful time it is very important to get a sufficient amount of sleep, to keep a balanced diet and to take time for exercise and quiet times. Many people also try to deal with the demands of life by themselves. If you find yourself stressed out, ask for help. Often times just talking with friends, family and others can lessen the load.

You can also change your response to a stressful situation. Sometimes we need to take the pressure off ourselves. Try leaving intentional downtime in your schedule next week and use the time to have some fun. Spend more time doing the things you enjoy, laugh more, indulge yourself with a bath ” or do nothing at all. Remember to live in the present. If you are the type of person that regrets past actions, work towards letting them go; the past is history. On the flip side, realize that worrying or fearing the future won’t change the outcome. Lastly, learn to relax. There are many good books that describe techniques like deep breathing and progressive muscle relaxation.

 
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Posted by on November 6, 2017 in Encouragement

 

Trash Your Marriage in Eight Easy Steps

01 Nov

superman-jesus-2Probe’s Sue Bohlin offers a tongue-in-cheek look at eight ways to tear down one’s marriage, complete with eight opposite, biblical ways to build it back up.

The divorce rate is at an all-time high, and marriages are falling apart everywhere you look. Marriages of church-going people are crashing and burning especially fast. There are forces in our culture that contribute to marriage stresses such as pornography, the prevalence of drivenness, two-career families, and the dynamics of the blended family. But people also make foolish choices to destroy their marriages from within.

Talking about the family, Proverbs 14:1 says, “The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands.” 

Ephesians 5:28 exhorts husbands to love their wives as their own bodies, nourishing and cherishing them. God’s plan is that we treasure and cultivate our marriages, but it’s very easy to trash them instead. Let’s take a tongue-in-cheek look at eight ways that people trash their marriages.

Be Selfish

The first step is to be selfish. My minister once said that the AIDS of marriage is justified self-centeredness. Everything needs to revolve around you because, let’s face it, you are at the center of the universe, right? If you find something you like to do that ignores your spouses’ feelings and interests, go ahead and do it! Too bad if they don’t like it! You only go around once in life, so grab for all the gusto you can get!

Always insist on having things your own way. If you don’t get your own way, throw a tantrum. Or freeze your spouse out. Get your kids involved in this game by saying things like, “Would you please ask your mother/father to pass the salt?” Don’t be afraid to withhold sex if your spouse isn’t letting you have things your own way. There’s a lot of power in that, so don’t waste it!

If there’s only enough money in your budget for what one of you wants, make sure you get what you want. Especially if you’re the wage earner, or if you make more than the other. Money is power, and don’t be afraid to use it against your spouse!

Make demands instead of requests. Wives, let your husband know that he will do things your way, or you’ll make his life miserable.

Husbands, when you want your wife to do something, just tell her to do it. “Please” and “thank you” are for the kids. This is your spouse you’re talking about—they don’t need it. Save all your courtesy for strangers; don’t waste it on the person you said you’d spend the rest of your life with.

What we really mean to say: Selfishness is guaranteed to hurt marriages, so ask for God’s help in putting your husband or wife ahead of yourself so you don’t trash your marriage.

Pick at Each Other

The second step is to pick at each other. If you know that something you do annoys your spouse, be sure to do it often. And intentionally. When she complains about it, tell her to buzz off, it’s not as annoying as the stupid things she does to bug you. The more childish the annoying habit, the better.

Be critical of the smallest thing the other one says and does. Don’t let your spouse get away with anything! Stay vigilant for every little offense. Be sure to address these small details with an air of superiority . . . unless it works better for you to act like a martyr, as if you deserve the Nobel Prize for putting up with someone who doesn’t squeeze the toothpaste from the end.

Always get the last word when you’re arguing. Dr. Phil McGraw has said that the most accurate predictor of divorce is when people don’t allow their partners to retreat with dignity. So make your spouse feel whipped and defeated at the end of a fight. As long as you win, that’s what matters.

Let The Kids Be More Important

A third step to trashing your marriage is to let the kids become more important than your spouse. Moms, make your husband feel left out of the intimate, secret relationship between you and your baby. As the baby grows, continue to draw the line where it’s you and your child on one side, your husband on the other. Keep your Mommy hat on all day and all night. Your kids don’t care if your hair is brushed and if you put on perfume and a little makeup before Daddy comes home, so why should he?

Dads, invest all your energies into making your child succeed at what he’s good at, or what you want him to be good at. Squeeze out Mom so that you will be your kid’s favorite parent. Work so hard on homework and school projects that there’s no time for family time.

Let the kids and your other priorities crowd out your “alone together” time. Date nights are for unmarried people! In order to be fulfilled as a person, it is essential to invest all your energies in parenting, career, housework, church commitments and hobbies, so don’t worry if there isn’t enough time left over for the two of you. It’s no big deal. There’s always tomorrow. Or next year.

What we really mean to say: Hey! If you find yourself doing these things, stop! You don’t have to trash your marriage!

Show Disrespect

Show disrespect for your spouse, especially in public. One of the best ways to disrespect your partner is ugly name-calling, especially about things he or she can’t change. However, the old standbys of “stupid,” “fat,” “ugly,” “weak,” and “loser” are always effective, too.

Complain about your spouse to your friends. It’s even more powerful if you do it in front of your spouse. Then, if he objects, punch him in the arm and say, “I’m just kidding! You take everything so seriously!“

There are a number of ways to show disrespect with nonverbal communication. Roll your eyes, cluck your tongue, narrow your eyes in contempt. The heavy sigh is a real winner, too.

Wives: Straighten out your husband when he makes a mistake, especially in front of others. Lecture him. Ridicule him: his feelings, his behavior, his dreams, his thoughts. Do everything you can to emasculate your husband. Husbands: Let your wife know you think your opinion is better than hers. Interrupt her when she’s speaking.

Refuse to Meet Emotional Needs

Another easy way to trash your marriage is to refuse to meet your spouse’s emotional needs. Men and women need different things from their life partners. Dr. Willard Harley discovered and examined a pattern in his excellent book His Needs, Her Needs. Husbands’ top needs, it turns out, are: first of all sexual fulfillment; second, recreational companionship; third, an attractive spouse; fourth, domestic support; and fifth, admiration.

Wives, if you want to trash your marriage, ignore his need for sex and that you be there for him in leisure time. Blow off his desire that you look your best and he can be proud that you’re his wife. Make your home as stressful and chaotic as you can, and never, ever tell him what you admire about him.

Wives’ top needs are: first of all affection; second conversations; third, honesty and openness; fourth, financial commitment; and fifth, family commitment. So guys, if you want to trash your marriage, don’t show your wife you love and appreciate her. Don’t talk to her. Close off your heart to her. Make her constantly worry about finances. Don’t be a faithful husband and father.

Dr. Harley’s got a Web site, MarriageBuilders.com, that has a lot of good, practical information for building strong marriages, so you’d better stay away from there if you’re not interested in being intentional and constructive!

Remember, we’re being tongue-in-cheek here. We want you to build your marriage, not trashit!

Treat Your Friends Better than Your Spouse

The sixth easy step to trashing your marriage is to treat your friends better than your spouse.Since a lot of men unfortunately don’t even have friends, this is something women tend to do more. Women know how to treat their girlfriends. They call them up just to encourage them. They drop off flowers for no reason. They send them cards, and they listen intently to whatever’s going on in their lives. They are emotionally invested in their friends. They are quick to mention when someone looks nice or does something well because women are usually good at affirming each other. If you want to trash your marriage, don’t do any of these thoughtful kindnesses for your husband. If your girlfriend is having a bad day, go out of your way to take her a wonderful casserole and fresh salad and dessert . . . but serve your husband Spaghetti-O’s.

But husbands, if your wife needs you for something at home, and your buddy scores some tickets to a game, tell your wife “too bad, so sad.” After all, she’ll be around forever but tonight’s hockey game won’t. If someone at church or in the neighborhood needs something fixed, drop everything to take care of it, even if it means that the broken things around yourhouse will continue to go unfixed.

Be a Pansy

Step number seven for trashing your marriage has two parts. Husbands, be a pansy. Retreat into the safety of passivity. Refuse to take initiative or responsibility in making plans or suggestions. That way, when things go wrong, you can say, “Don’t blame me! It’s not my fault!” These are great ways to trash your marriage.

Be His Mother

Wives, be a mother to your husband. When people ask how many children you have, say things like, “Two—three, if you count my husband.” Tell him to wear a coat when it’s cold and take an umbrella when it’s raining, because he can’t figure it out on his own. Be sure to say “I told you so” as often as possible.

If he is passive or irresponsible, jump in and rescue him so he won’t have to deal with the consequences of his own choices. Make sure he feels three years old. Tell him how to live his life, down to the smallest detail.

What we really mean to say: Please, if you find yourself doing these things, ask for God’s help in being constructive instead of destructive. We want to help you build your marriage, not trash it.

When You’re Angry, Blow Up

Let’s talk about one final way to trash your marriage. Yell and scream, or quietly say hurtful words; it doesn’t matter. Inflicting pain is the important thing. Call each other names in the heat of your emotion. Dredge up the past and bring up old hurts. You can hit or slap with words as well as with hands, and they each leave a different kind of lasting damage to your spouse and to your marriage. Losing control when you’re angry is a powerful way to hurt your spouse.

Build Your Marriage in Eight Harder Steps

Well, enough of ways to trash your marriage—how about eight steps to build it? All we have to do is look at the opposite of this article’s negative, destructive steps.

To build your marriage, fight selfishness by developing a servant’s heart. Commit yourself to acting in your spouse’s best interests. Do at least one unselfish deed for your husband or wife every day.

Second, instead of picking at each other, choose to let things go. Be grace-givers. Remember that “love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Pet. 4:8).

Third, be intentional in keeping your marriage at the center of your family. Have regular date nights, and schedule times away to invest in the intimacy of your relationship. 

Fourth, commit to actively be respectful to your spouse by never saying anything negative to other people. Be kind in your words and actions. Treat each other as courteously and with the kind of honor you would bestow on a stranger or a dear friend.

Fifth, talk about your spouse’s particular emotional needs. Read Willard Harley’s excellent book His Needs, Her Needs. Find out which ones are most important to your partner, and do everything in your power to meet them.

Sixth, treat your husband or wife at least as well as you treat your friends. Be as thoughtful and encouraging and affirming as you can possibly be.

Seventh: Ladies, resign as your husband’s mother. You married an adult; treat him with the respect an adult deserves. Men: Your wife needs a servant-leader—someone who refuses either passivity or tyranny—to love her as Christ loves the church.

And last, when you’re angry, express it wisely and constructively. Use words like “I’m angry about this” instead of yelling or hurtful silence. If you’re too mad to speak with self-control, wait till you cool down. And don’t go to bed without dealing with the situation (Eph. 4:26).

You don’t have to trash your marriage. You can treasure it instead.

 

 
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Posted by on November 1, 2017 in Marriage

 
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