What does attractive living look like? How does it act?

These verses can be tough to explain and apply in light of our modern culture. It’s tough enough to teach about the submission of wives to godly husbands. But to teach that wives should submit even to husbands who are ungodly seems cruel and insensitive.

Wife abuse is widespread…even among Christians. Furthermore, we live in a society that values individual rights, especially of those who are pushed down by the system (such as women). We’re constantly encouraged to stand up for our rights and to fight back when we’re wronged.

To understand our text, we must see that Peter’s theme (which began at 2:11) is still Christian witness in an alien world. Peter didn’t want to compound the problem with a wife’s defiant behavior. So he gives instruction on how Christian women could live with their unbelieving mates in a way that would bear witness for Christ.

Christian wives were to accept the authority of their husbands in obedience to Christ to keep harmony in the family and to encourage unbelieving husbands to believe.

When a Christian wife interacted with an unbelieving husband, she needed to be submissive according to cultural norms in order to save her marriage and sometimes even her life.

But she ought not participate in her husband’s pagan religion or submit to actions that dishonored God.

However, when both wife and husband were Christians, the woman should respect the God-given authority of her husband, while the husband exercised his authority in a loving and gentle manner.

For marriage and family relationships to run smoothly, there must be one appointed leader—and God has appointed the husband and father. The wife should willingly follow her husband’s leadership in Christ, acknowledging that this is his responsibility.

Submission does not mean blind obedience, nor does it mean inferiority. A wife who accepts her husband’s authority is accepting the relationship that God has designed and giving her husband leadership and responsibility.

What do these verses NOT say?

• Do not leave.
• Do not lead.
• Do not nag him to death.

Rather, the believing wife should follow the principles Peter sets forth here, namely, that …

A Christian wife should live with a difficult husband so that he is attracted to Christ by her behavior.

Peter’s point is that disobedient husbands are more likely to be won by godly practice than by preaching from their wives. They will notice attractive behavior and through it be drawn to the source of that behavior—a relationship with Jesus Christ. I want to look at seven aspects of such attractive behavior and then answer three practical questions that arise.

Attractive behavior involves submitting to authority.

Peter says she should accept the authority of her husband….choose to cooperate voluntarily with someone else out of love and respect for God and for that person.

Two things about authority and submission. First, the purpose of authority is to protect and bless those under authority, not to benefit the one in authority.

Christian submission never requires us to disobey God, submit to abuse, or participate in what our Holy Spirit-directed conscience forbids.

There is a sense in which Christ submits Himself to the church in self‑sacrificing service, but at the same time, clearly He is in authority over the church.

God never tells husbands to get their wives to submit to them. All the commands to submit are directed to wives, not to husbands. A husband who focuses on his authority is out of line. His responsibilities are to love his wife sacrificially (Eph. 5:25) and to live with her in an understanding way, granting her honor (1 Pet. 3:7).

Attitude is crucial. A disobedient little boy was told to sit in the corner. He said, “I may be sitting on the outside, but I’m standing on the inside.” That’s defiance, not submission.

On the other hand, a person under authority can be strong in arguing for a point of view and yet have a submissive attitude.

Submission involves an attitude of respect and a recognition of the responsibility of the one in authority. Rather than trying to thwart his will through manipulation or scheming, a submissive wife will seek to discover what her husband wants and do it to please him, as long as it doesn’t involve disobedience to God.

The source of many marital problems is that the wife is seeking to control the husband to meet what she perceives as her needs and the husband is seeking to dominate the wife to meet what he perceives as his needs. So you have a constant tug of war going on.

Attractive behavior involves purity.

“Chaste” (3:2) can be translated “purity” (NIV). It is used in the New Testament to refer to abstaining from sin (1 Tim. 5:22).

The wife who wants to win her husband to Christ must live in obedience to God. She will be morally pure.

Her husband won’t distrust her because she’s a flirt with other men. She won’t use deception or dishonesty to try to get her own way.

Attractive behavior involves reverence.

A godly wife will live in the fear of God, aware that He sees all that is going on (“in the sight of God,” 3:4).

To live in the fear of God means that we recognize His holiness and wrath against all sin and therefore live obediently, even when it’s hard.

Attractive behavior involves doing what is right.

You have become Sarah’s children “if you do what is right.” Peter emphasizes this concept (2:12, 14, 15, 20; 3:6, 11, 13, 16, 17; 4:19). It always occurs in the context of others doing wrong toward us and points to the fact that our behavior shouldn’t be determined by how others treat us.

We’re so prone to react to wrong treatment with more wrong treatment and then to blame our sin on the other person’s sin. But God wants us to be prepared to respond to wrongs against us by doing what is right.

Attractive behavior involves an emphasis on the inner person over outward appearance.

The point of 3:3‑4 is not that a woman should neglect her outward appearance, but rather that her emphasis should be on the inner person. Peter’s point is that the emphasis should be on attractive character qualities, which are imperishable.

Husbands are to understand their wives.

We all have a deep-seated longing to be understood by at least one other person who cares for us and accepts us for who we are. We all enter marriage with high hopes for a deepening understanding to be built between us and our mate. And yet, all too often, a couple grows increasingly callused toward one another.

In American culture, for some reason, men are often inept at understanding their wives on a deep level. So there are disappointments and hurt feelings that never get resolved.

The husband shrugs his shoulders, ignores his wife whom he doesn’t understand, and pours himself into his job, which seems to be something he can handle.

She shares her feelings with women friends and gets caught up in the frenzy of raising children and running a household. And then the nest starts emptying and the wife starts thinking about going back to school and getting a fulfilling job at about the same time the husband realizes that he isn’t fulfilled through his job and what he really wants is intimacy with his distant wife.

A. Understanding your wife involves developing and maintaining togetherness in your marriage.

Peter says that you should “live with” your wife. You say, “I’ve got that down! We both live at the same address and share the same bed and eat many meals together.”

A husband is to promote a spirit of emotional, spiritual, and physical closeness that is only possible in the commitment of marriage.

It’s significant that Peter puts the responsibility for togetherness on the husband, not on the wife.

In our culture, women are often the relational ones. Men aren’t real communicative; they just sort of grunt. But the Bible puts the burden for intimacy in marriage primarily on the husband.

If there is a drift in your marriage, men, you are to take the initiative to bring things back together. This doesn’t mean that a wife can’t act first if she notices a distance in the relationship. Men we are to be active, not passive, in developing and maintaining a close relationship with our wives.

I read a true story about a man who made a private vow to try to be a loving, giving, unselfish husband for the two weeks of the family’s vacation. He worked hard at noticing his wife, of attending to her needs, of doing what she wanted to do, even if he really rather would have done something else. It went great. Toward the end of the time, he made a new vow to keep on choosing to love his wife like this.

But on the last night of the vacation, his wife was obviously upset. Finally she blurted, “Tom, do you know something I don’t?” “What do you mean?” he asked. “Well … that checkup I had several weeks ago … our doctor … did he tell you something about me? Tom, you’ve been so good to me … am I dying?” It took a moment for it all to sink in. Then Tom burst out laughing, took her in his arms, and said, “No, honey, you’re not dying; I’m just starting to live.” (Tom Anderson, “How Love Came Back,” Reader’s Digest [10/86], pp. 129-130.)

Maybe husbands should treat their wives as if they were about to die!

It may sound perfectly obvious, but one way to develop and maintain togetherness in your marriage is to do things together. So many couples live in their own separate worlds. Men, help your wife with the dishes sometimes, not just because she needs the help, but to be together.

Take walks together, go shopping together when you can. If you can’t tolerate shopping, at least drive her there sometimes and sit in the mall and watch the people or read a book. The idea is, to be together so that you intertwine your lives.

Simone Signoret observed, “Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads, which sew people together through the years.”

B. Understanding your wife involves knowing her well.

“Dwell together with your wives according to knowledge.” This comes partly through spending time together. The Greek word means to grasp the full reality and nature of the object, based upon experience and evaluation.

Knowing your wife is not automatic. It takes time and effort.

Every husband needs to become an avid student of his wife. You need to know her personality, her likes and dislikes, her needs, her strengths, her weaknesses, her fears, her hopes, her joys.

Such knowledge is a personal trust to be guarded with great care. You should never bring up a vulnerable point as artillery in a disagreement.

C. Understanding your wife involves knowing God and His truth well.

To dwell with your wife “according to knowledge” means knowing her well. But also it has the nuance of knowing spiritual truth well.

This is implicit in the phrase, “as fellow‑heirs of the grace of life.” This points to the vast spiritual riches that are ours equally as men and women through faith in Christ (1 Pet. 1:4, 13).

This means, men, that if you’re spiritually passive, you’re not being obedient to what God wants you to be doing as a husband.

A lot of men feel inadequate spiritually. Their wives spend time going to Bible studies so that they know more about spiritual things than their husbands do. Many men leave early for work and come home late, too exhausted to spend time alone with God.

Husbands are to honor their wives.

A wife deserves honor (the Greek word has the nuance of value or worth).

Notice the fine balance that Peter lays out: On the one hand, the wife is the “weaker vessel,” who should submit to her husband (3:1) for the protection and care she needs.

On the other hand, she is a fellow-heir of the grace of life, which means that she is not inferior personally or spiritually. Her husband is not to dominate her, but rather to assign to her a place of honor. Thus the Bible maintains a distinctive role for the sexes, but it does not put down women as second-class citizens.

A major part of honoring your wife involves how you speak to her and about her. There is no room for jokes or sarcasm that put down your wife. Also, if you have children, it is your job as head of the household to make sure that they honor their mother.

You model it by treating her with honor, but you enforce it by disciplining them for disrespect toward her.

So the two commands are, Understand your wife; and, honor your wife. The result is:

The result of understanding and honoring your wife will be an effective prayer life.

Peter is calling attention to something we often forget or deny: That there is always a correlation between your relationship with your wife and your relationship with God.

If you don’t want a roadblock thrown up in your prayer life, then you must understand and honor your wife.