Category Archives: Marriage

God promised Abraham he would be the father of a great nation. In order to enjoy that privileged position, he obvious-ly had to have a son, and we have traced the struggles of faith that finally brought Abraham and Sarah their son. His birth was the highlight of their eventful and exciting walk with God.

What happiness Isaac brought to their home! And he was such a good boy—dutiful, obedient, and submissive to his parents. Submissiveness would seem to be the only way to explain how old Abraham could bind the young man and lay him on the altar of sacrifice. God substituted a ram in that suspense packed drama of obedience and faith; Isaac was delivered and the three of them were joyfully reunited as a family.

There is every indication that it was a close family unit. They loved each other dearly. Isaac mourning for his mother three full years after her death would be some indication of the love they felt for one another (Gen. 24:67).

With Ishmael gone, Isaac was the only child at home and his parents’ lives revolved around him. He never wanted for anything. Abraham had grown to be fabulously wealthy by this time, and the record reveals that he gave it all to Isaac (Gen. 24:35, 36). Perhaps there was even a trace of smother love and overindulgence in their relationship.

It is doubtful that Abraham and Sarah realized they may have been affecting Isaac’s personality and making him poor marital material by the way they were raising him. In fact, they had not even thought about marriage.

They were enjoying him so much they seemed to forget that he needed a wife if they were to become the progenitors of a great nation. But after Sarah died, Abraham realized that he must take the initiative and make plans to find a mate for his son. That is not the way our children find their marriage partners, but for that time and culture it was a beautiful love story.

For Isaac and Rebekah, it was a tender beginning. Abraham was old when the story began. He called for his senior serv-ant, the manager of his entire household, and said to him, “You shall not take a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I live, but you shall go to my country and to my relatives, and take a wife for my son Isaac” (Gen. 24:3, 4).

The Canaanites were a vile race, cursed by God and doomed to destruction. God would not be pleased for Isaac to marry one of them. Although Abraham’s relatives in northern Mes-opotamia had their idols, they were at least a moral people who knew about God and respected him. And they were de-scendants of Shem who was blessed of God.

It was the only logical place to find a wife for Isaac. While we do not choose our children’s mates for them anymore, we must teach them from their earliest days the importance of marrying believers (cf. 1 Cor. 7:39; 2 Cor. 6:14). It will help them find God’s choice of a life partner when the time comes for that important decision to be made.

So the old servant began the toilsome trip to the vicinity of Haran, where Abraham’s brother had remained after Abra-ham migrated to Canaan sixty five years earlier. Abraham had assured the servant that the angel of the Lord would go before him. With that sense of divine direction, he stopped at a well in the town of Nahor, which happened to be Abra-ham’s brother’s name. And he prayed that God would bring the right girl to that well and lead her to offer water for his camels. It was a very specific request for exactly the proper mate for Isaac. And there is a lesson in it for us. The best way for our children to find God’s choice of a mate is to pray about it. They can begin as children to pray about the one whom God is preparing for them. Praying through those years will help them keep their minds on the one most im-portant factor in their choice—the will of God.

Before the servant got to the “Amen,” God had the answer on the way. Rebekah, who was the granddaughter of Abraham’s brother, came out with her jar on her shoulder. Scripture says she was very beautiful, and a virgin. When she came from the well with her jar filled with water, the servant ran to meet her and said, “Please let me drink a little water from your jar.” She said, “Drink, my lord” and she quickly gave him a drink. When he finished drinking she said, “I will draw also for your camels until they have finished drinking.” So she emptied her jar into the drinking trough and ran back to the well for some more, and she drew enough water for all ten of his camels (Gen. 24:15 20).

What a girl she was—beautiful, vivacious, friendly, out-going, unselfish, and energetic. And when the servant found out that she was the granddaughter of Abraham’s brother, he bowed his head and worshiped the Lord: “Blessed be the Lord, the God of my master Abraham, who has not forsaken His lovingkindness and His truth toward my master; as for me, the Lord has guided me in the way to the house of my master’s brothers” (Gen. 24:27).

It becomes obvious from the outset of this story that God is the real matchmaker in the marriage. When the servant relat-ed to Rebekah’s family the indications of God’s guidance, her brother and her father agreed. “The matter comes from the Lord,” they said (Gen. 24:50).

No matter what kinds of problems a marriage may encounter, they will be easier to solve if both husband and wife have a settled assurance that God has brought them together. Diffi-culties can be overcome without it, and must be if God is to be glorified. But the nagging notion that they married out of the will of God will make them less than enthusiastic about working at their relationship with self sacrificing diligence.

Rebekah faced an immense decision in her life—leaving the home and family she would never see again, traveling nearly five hundred miles on camelback with a total stranger, to marry a man she had never met. Her family called her in and said, “Will you go with this man?” And she said, “I will go” (Gen. 24:58). It was her assurance of God’s sovereign direc-tion that motivated her decision, and it revealed her courage and trust.

Certainly the hours of travel were filled with talk of Isaac. The old servant described him honestly and completely. Isaac was an unassuming, mild mannered, peace loving man. He would go to any lengths to avoid a fight (cf. Gen. 26:18 25). He was also a meditative man, not a quick think-er, but rather quiet and reserved.

He was not the great man his father was, but he was a good man, with a steadfast faith in God and a sense of divine mis-sion. He knew that through his seed God would bring spiritu-al blessing to the whole earth (Gen. 26:3 5). He was different from the radiant, quick witted Rebekah—far different. But the experts tell us that opposites attract. And Rebekah could feel her heart being drawn to this one whom she would soon meet and give herself to in marriage.

Isaac was out in the field meditating at evening time when the camel caravan approached carrying his precious cargo. Rebekah dismounted from the camel when she saw Isaac, and covered herself with a veil as the custom was. After he had heard all the exciting details of the eventful trip and the providential guidance that had found him a bride, we read, “Then Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and he took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her; thus Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death” (Gen. 24:67). It was a tender beginning.

Marriage counselors estimate that fully half of all their cases involve a silent husband. In some instances, like Isaac’s, it may be genuinely difficult for the husband to talk. Maybe he does not think very deeply and does not have much to say.

Maybe he has always been quiet and does not know how to communicate. In other instances, a normally communicative man may neglect sharing things with his wife because he gets preoccupied with other things and does not realize how im-portant it is to talk to her. If she nags him about it, he may build a protective shroud of silence around himself and withdraw even more.

But whatever the cause of his quietness, he needs to work at communicating. His wife needs that verbal communion and companionship. God made her that way. And God can help a husband improve in this area if he wants to be helped and seeks that help from above. Whether or not he ever becomes a great talker, he can learn to be a good listener. His wife needs him to listen with undivided attention, not one ear on television and the other on her, but both ears aimed in her direction and wide open. That may be all she is really asking for. Men, love enough to listen!

There may be some cases where the problem is reversed. The husband may like to talk and the wife finds it difficult to communicate. Whichever the situation may be in your house, you can make it easier for your mate to talk by re-membering a few simple principles. For one thing, don’t push; let your mate choose the time he feels most free to talk.

Accept him without judgment when he does express his feel-ings and frustrations. When you must disagree, do it kindly and respectfully, not sarcastically or condemningly. Try to understand the other person instead of trying only to be un-derstood. Don’t jump to conclusions, but patiently hear him out. And by all means, don’t nag! Nagging is the world’s number one communication killer.

Evidently, nobody ever told Isaac and Rebekah these things. Their relationship went from bad to worse. When the twins were born, as we might expect, their personalities were vast-ly different from each other. Scripture says, “When the boys grew up, Esau became a skillful hunter, a man of the field; but Jacob was a peaceful man, living in tents” (Gen. 25:27).

As often happens when a husband and wife have a poor rela-tionship with each other, Isaac and Rebekah each latched onto one of the children in a substitute relationship in order to fill the emptiness in their souls. “Now Isaac loved Esau, because he had a taste for game; but Rebekah loved Jacob” (Gen. 25:28).

Isaac saw in Esau the rugged outdoorsman that he himself never was, and he learned to enjoy Esau’s sporting exploits vicariously as he savored his delicious venison stew. Rebek-ah, on the other hand, favored Jacob. He stayed close to home. He probably talked to her, listened to her, and helped her with her chores. And she found with him the companion-ship she never enjoyed with her husband. It was a pathetic arrangement, and it was bound to have serious repercussions in the lives of the boys.

Psychologists today warn us of the same two problems that were present in this ancient home. They tell us that a domi-nant mother and a passive father have a tendency to produce problem children, and that favoritism in the family unit tends to cause serious personality defects in the children. While a child may be getting pampered and overindulged by one par-ent, he is getting criticized and rejected by the other.

Neither one does him any good, and both together contribute to low self esteem and ambivalent feelings that confuse him and burden him with guilt. He grows to disrespect the parent who indulges him and despise the parent who rejects him. Ultimately he may spurn both of them and begin grasping for what he wants from life regardless of whom he hurts in the process.

That is exactly what was happening in the home of Isaac and Rebekah. Jacob showed his self seeking grasping by stealing his brother’s birthright (Gen. 25:29 34). Esau showed his contempt for his parents by marrying two Hittite women against his parents’ wishes (Gen. 26:34, 35). And peace loving Isaac sat around eating his venison stew, letting it all happen.

The tragic decline in this relationship was followed, finally, by the treacherous end. “Treacherous” is the best word I can think of to describe the events recorded in Genesis 27. Re-bekah, eavesdropping outside the tent, heard old Isaac tell Esau to hunt some venison and make him a savory stew so that he could gain the strength to bless him before he died. Actually Isaac lived for many years after that, but he had become withdrawn and self absorbed, approaching a state of hypochondria.

It is important to understand that he still did not know that Jacob was supposed to receive the blessing of the firstborn and become the spiritual leader of the family. Scripture later declares, “By faith Isaac blessed Jacob and Esau, even re-garding things to come” (Heb. 11:20). Isaac thought he was blessing Esau, not Jacob. The Spirit of God certainly would not have said “by faith” if Isaac had given that blessing in conscious disobedience to the known will of God. Isaac still did not know!

This would have been the perfect time for Rebekah to flee to God in prayer for divine wisdom, then go in and tactfully share with Isaac the promise God had made to her shortly before the twins were born. If ever there was a time to talk it over, this was it. Had she reasoned with him lovingly on the basis of God’s word to her, she certainly could have secured for Jacob the blessing God wanted him to have. But instead of prayer and reason, she chose treachery and deceit.

Concealing one’s true thoughts and feelings can actually be a form of deception, and deception had become a way of life for Isaac and Rebekah. Now it was about to come into full bloom. It would be wise for us to notice this carefully, for this is the kind of thing that a lack of communication can eventually lead to.

Rebekah’s diabolical plan was to help Jacob impersonate Esau so that blind old Isaac would be fooled into blessing him instead of his brother. Jacob did not like the idea be-cause Esau was a hairy man and he was smooth. It was likely that his dad would put his hands on him, feel his smooth skin, and his deceit would be exposed, bringing him a curse rather than a blessing. But Rebekah offered to assume any curse upon herself and urged him to go ahead and do as she said. Her offer sounded so sacrificial, but it was sinful and sick.

Trust is essential to any loving relationship, and trust cannot flourish in a home where there is dishonesty and deceit as there was in this one. Husbands and wives who purposely keep things from each other, who sneak around to hide the truth about finances, the activities they are involved in, the things the children have done, or anything else, can never enjoy the fullness of God’s love in their relationship. Love can only grow in an atmosphere of honesty. Peter exhorts us to lay aside all guile and hypocrisy (1 Pet. 2:1). Paul tells us to speak the truth in love (Eph. 4:15).

Rebekah and Jacob had forgotten what truth was. With the help of some goat skins, the two tricksters pulled off their deceitful plot. Isaac trembled when he later discovered that he had been victimized by his wife and son, but he would not reverse the blessing. He had blessed Jacob, “and he shall be blessed,” he confidently affirmed (Gen. 27.33). Isaac real-ized that God had overruled his original intentions even though it was by an act of deceit. His willingness to accept it from God was such a significant expression of faith in God’s sovereign control of his circumstances that it earned him mention in faith’s hall of fame (Heb. 11:20).

Esau did not have that much faith, however. He vowed to kill his brother. But as we might expect, Rebekah came up with another ingenious idea. When she heard what Esau intended to do, she called Jacob in and said to him, “Behold your brother Esau is consoling himself concerning you, by plan-ning to kill you. Now therefore, my son, obey my voice, and arise, flee to Haran, to my brother Laban! And stay with him a few days, until your brother’s fury subsides, until your brother’s anger against you subsides, and he forgets what you did to him. Then I shall send and get you from there. Why should I be bereaved of you both in one day?” (Gen. 27:42 45).

In order to get Isaac to agree to her plan, she had to deceive him again. It was another masterful performance. You can almost feel the melodrama as she exclaims, “I am tired of living because of the daughters of Heth; if Jacob takes a wife from the daughters of Heth, like these, from the daughters of the land, what good will my life be to me?” (Gen. 27:46). So Isaac dutifully called Jacob in and instructed him to go to Haran to find a wife. One deception usually does demand another, until the life of the deceiver is a hopeless web of despair.

Poor Rebekah. She thought she was doing what was right, but God never asks us to sin in order to accomplish His will. By her deception, Rebekah further alienated her husband from her; she enraged and totally estranged her firstborn son; and while she thought her beloved Jacob would be gone a few days, she never saw him again, When he returned home twenty years later, Isaac was still alive, but Rebekah lay next to Abraham and Sarah in the sepulcher cave of Machpelah.

Some of the details may vary, but the general pattern of their lives has been repeated in many homes since. Maybe it is being reenacted in yours right now. Communication is at a standstill. You live under the same roof, but you live in your own world, alone. It does not matter who is most at fault, husband or wife. Stop drifting apart; turn around and say, “I need you. I need you to talk to me. I need to know what you think and how you feel. Please share yourself with me.

I need you to listen to me and to try to understand.” Then start talking about it openly and honestly. Reach deep down inside of you and share with each other your hurts, your fears, your struggles, your frustrations, your weaknesses, your confusion, your needs, as well as your goals and aspira-tions. Then listen to one another, patiently, understandingly, and forgivingly, and encourage each other lovingly. New joys will open to you as you grow together.

Let’s talk it over
1. Is there any indication of the same kind of “smother love” in your relationship with your children that caused such unhappy consequences in Isaac’s mar-riage? What can you do about it?
2. In what ways can you teach your children the im-portance of marrying a believer and of seeking God’s will in their choice?
3. Why do you think Rebekah never told Isaac about God’s promise concerning their sons?
4. Why do husbands and wives in our day sometimes keep things from each other? What can be done to remedy the situation?
5. Do you feel you can openly share your innermost feelings with your mate? If not, why? Talk over these reasons with your mate.
6. Is what your mate shares with you of great im-portance to you? Do you really listen? How can you correct any shortcoming in this area?
7. What specific things can you do to encourage more open communication and more intimate communion with each other?
8. Are you sensitive to your mate’s needs or do your thoughts generally dwell on how you can best be served? How can you avoid a selfish desire to have your own needs met and dwell instead on the needs of your mate?
9. How do people sometimes use their relationship with their children as a substitute for a good relationship with their mates? What are the underlying reasons for this and how can it be corrected?

God said to Eve, “Yet your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you” (Gen. 3:16). That was part of the burden which sin brought to the woman, and it is interesting that the next major husband and wife relationship in Scripture illustrates a wife’s submission to her husband’s rule.

Sarah is commended twice by New Testament writers, once for her faith (Heb. 11:11) and once for her submission to her husband (1 Pet. 3:5, 6). The Apostle Peter went so far as to say she “obeyed Abraham, calling him lord.”

We would not think of asking a wife to call her husband “lord” in our culture, but in that day it was Sarah’s way of expressing her submissiveness. Strangely enough, these two principles, faith and submission, actually go together. Submission for a wife is basically faith that God is working through her husband to accomplish what is best for her. And that is the story of Sarah’s life with Abraham.

Look first at the early seeds of faith. The story began in the city of Ur, a thriving metropolis near the ancient coastline of the Persian Gulf. At least one man was repulsed by the idolatry and sin of Ur, for he had come to know the one true and living God. In fact, God had spoken to him: “Go forth from your country, and from your relatives and from your father’s house, to the land which I will show you; and I will make you a great nation, and I will bless you, and make your name great; and so you shall be a blessing; and I will bless those who bless you, and the one who curses you I will curse. And in you all the families of the earth shall be blessed” (Gen. 12:1 3). Armed with that potent promise, Abraham pulled up stakes, and with his father Terah, his nephew Lot, and his wife Sarah, began the long trek northward around the fertile crescent to the city of Haran.

Moving is no fun, particularly when your moving van is a camel or a donkey, and especially when you don’t even know where you are going! “By faith Abraham, when he was called, obeyed by going out to a place which he was to receive for an inheritance; and he went out, not knowing where he was going” (Heb. 11:8). That is probably harder on a woman than it is on a man. Sarah is not mentioned in that verse, but her faith is there, every bit as steadfast as Abraham’s. She believed that God would sustain her through the arduous journey and show her husband the place he had chosen for them.

Sarah was not a weak, spineless, overly dependent, empty headed woman. Her parents called her Sarai, and names had meaning in the ancient biblical world. Hers meant “princess.” It may have described her great beauty, which is referred to twice in the inspired record (Gen. 12:11, 14). It probably described, as well, her cultured upbringing, her fine education, her stately charm, and her gracious manner. When God changed her name to Sarah, he did not remove the princely connotation, but rather added the further dignity of motherhood. She is called in that context “a mother of nations” (Gen. 17:15-16).

Sarah was an intelligent and capable woman. But when she married Abraham she made a decision. She established as her mission in life the task of helping her husband fulfill God’s purposes for him. That was not weakness. It was God’s will for her life: true biblical submission. Some wives have been systematically sabotaging God’s plan for their husbands because they have not been willing to believe God and entrust themselves to His wisdom. They simply will not trust God to work through their husbands to accomplish what is best. They feel they must help God along by trying to dominate their husbands.

It appears as though Abraham’s father refused to go on when they reached Haran. He was an idol worshiper (Josh. 24:2), and the city of Haran suited him fine for the remainder of his days. He delayed God’s purposes for Abraham, but he could not destroy them. At Terah’s death, Abraham, then seventy five years of age, departed from Haran for the land which God had promised him (Gen. 12:4). It was another move to another unknown place, but by his side was Sarah, woman of submission and faith (Gen. 12:5). The days ahead would see her faith severely tested and her submissiveness sorely tried.

Let’s explore, secondly, the continuing struggles of faith. Faith grows best under attack. The person who prays for God to take away his problems may be asking for a sickly spiritual life. Sometimes our faith falters under the stress, but if we admit the failure and accept God’s forgiveness, even those failures can contribute to our spiritual growth. Abraham and Sarah are both commended for their great faith in Scripture, but their failures are recorded for our instruction and encouragement.

The first attack came shortly after they entered Canaan. There was a famine in the land and Abraham decided to leave the place which God had promised him and flee into Egypt (Gen. 12:10). Had he consulted Sarah, she might have pointed out the foolishness of his decision, but like many men he moved ahead with his plans without considering the hardships he could cause her. Too many men refuse to ask advice from their wives. They think headship gives them the prerogative of doing whatever they please without talking it over with their wives and coming to a mutually acceptable agreement. They are afraid their wives might find cracks in their logic or expose their narrow minded selfishness. So they barge ahead with their plans and the whole family suffers for it.

As they neared Egypt, Abraham said to his wife, “See now, I know that you are a beautiful woman; and it will come about when the Egyptians see you, that they will say, ‘This is his wife’; and they will kill me, but they will let you live. Please say that you are my sister so that it may go well with me because of you, and that I may live on account of you” (Gen. 12:11 13).

It was a tribute to Sarah’s beauty that at sixty five years of age she was still so irresistible that Abraham thought the Egyptians might try to kill him for her. And the beauty was not just in Abraham’s eye. “And it came about when Abram came into Egypt, the Egyptians saw that the woman was very beautiful. And Pharaoh’s officials saw her and praised her to Pharaoh; and the woman was taken into Pharaoh’s house” (Gen. 12:14, 15). While Abraham thought the Egyptians might murder him to get his wife, he was sure they would treat him as an honored guest if they thought he were her brother. And he turned out to be right. They gave him many animals and servants for her sake (Gen. 12:16). Now technically, Sarah was Abraham’s sister, his half sister (Gen. 20:12). Such marriages were not unusual in that day. But what they told the Pharaoh was only a half truth, and half truths are lies in God’s economy. He cannot honor sin.

Why did Sarah go along with his sinful scheme? Is not this a case where obedience to God would supersede obedience to one’s husband? I think it is. A wife has no obligation to obey her husband when obedience compromises the clearly revealed will of God (cf. Acts 5:29). Sarah could have justly refused. But it does show how deep her faith and submission really were. Sarah believed God’s promise that Abraham would become the father of a great nation. Since there were no children as yet, she was expendable, but Abraham had to live and have children even if it should be by another woman.

She may also have believed that God would intervene and deliver her before immorality became necessary. That would be quite probable in view of Pharaoh’s large harem. She may likewise have believed that God would reunite her with her husband and rescue both of them from Pharaoh’s power. And because she believed, she submitted. God could have protected them apart from Abraham’s selfish scheme, but Sarah’s faith in God and submission to her husband are still beautifully illustrated in this Old Testament narrative. The true test of a wife’s submission may come when she knows her husband is making a mistake.

It is hard to imagine a man sinking much lower than Abraham did on this occasion. Even the pagan king rebuked him for what he did (Gen. 12:18 20). He failed Sarah sadly, but God was faithful to her. He honored her faith and delivered her. He never forsakes those who trust him. You would think the lesson of God’s sovereign care would have been so indelibly inscribed on Abraham’s soul after this experience that he would never compromise his wife again to protect himself. But he did. About twenty years later he did exactly the same thing with Abimelech, king of Gerar (Gen. 20:1 8). This shows how weak and faithless the faithful can be. There are probably some sins we think we will never commit again, but we must ever be watchful, for that is exactly where Satan will attack us. The amazing thing is that Sarah submitted again on that later occasion, and that God delivered her again, another evidence of her faith and God’s faithfulness.

The next great strain on their faith is revealed in this statement: “Now Sarai, Abram’s wife had borne him no children” (Gen. 16:1). God was soon to change Abram’s name to Abraham, from “exalted father” to “father of a multitude.” How could Abraham be the father of a multitude when he had no son? Now it was Sarah’s turn to devise a clever human scheme. She offered her Egyptian slave girl, Hagar, so that Abraham might have a son by her. We must admit that her suggestion revealed her belief that God would keep His word and give Abraham a son. It was obviously motivated by her love for Abraham and her desire for him to have that son. And sharing her husband with another woman would have been one of the most sacrificial things she could do. But it was not God’s way. It was another fleshly solution. And God’s ways are always best even when He is withholding what we think we need at the moment.

Too often we time conscious earthlings resent His long delays and take matters into our own hands, usually to our great distress. If we could learn to keep trusting Him when our situation looks the bleakest, we would save ourselves much grief.

This impulsive sin had its effect on the relationship between Abraham and Sarah. Hagar got pregnant and eventually became proud and unmanageable. Sarah blamed Abraham for the whole problem when it was actually her own idea. Then she dealt harshly with Hagar, and her unkindness exposed the bitterness and resentment in her soul. Meanwhile, Abraham shirked his duty. He should have said “No” to Sarah’s sinful scheme in the first place. But now he told her to handle the problem herself, to do whatever she wanted to do, but to stop badgering him about it (Gen. 16:6).

It’s hard for a wife to be in subjection to a jellyfish, a man who avoids issues, puts off decisions, and shirks his responsibilities. There is nothing to submit to, no leadership to follow. A wife cannot help her husband fulfill God’s goals for his life when she doesn’t even know what his goals are.

Even great men and women of faith have their moments of faithlessness. And no such moment was worse for Abraham and Sarah than when they laughed at God. They both did it. God told Abraham he would bless Sarah and make her a mother of nations. Kings of peoples would come from her. Abraham fell on his face and laughed, and said, “Will a child be born to a man one hundred years old? And will Sarah, who is ninety years old, bear a child?” (Gen. 17:17). Abraham tried to get God to accept Ishmael as his heir, but God said, “No, but Sarah your wife shall bear you a son, and you shall call his name Isaac; and I will establish My covenant with him for an everlasting covenant for his descendants after him” (Gen. 17:19).

Sarah’s turn was next. The Lord appeared to Abraham in the person of a visitor to his tent, and Sarah overheard him say, “I will surely return to you at this time next year; and behold, Sarah your wife shall have a son” (Gen. 18:10). She was listening at the tent door and laughed to herself, saying, “After I have become old, shall I have pleasure, my lord being old also?” (Gen. 18:12). Incidentally, this was how Peter knew she called him “lord.” The submission was there, but her faith was wavering. The struggles of faith are real and we all experience them. Satan’s darts of doubt seem to be flying in our direction much of the time, and we too may be tempted to snicker skeptically at the very thought of God solving our thorny problems.

But thank God for the final triumph of faith. I believe the turning point in their struggling faith occurred during that last encounter with the Lord. “Why did Sarah laugh?” God asked quickly. “Is anything too difficult for the Lord?” (Gen. 18:13, 14). That poignant challenge pierced their faltering hearts, and faith was rekindled, strong and steadfast. There was that brief setback in Gerar (Gen. 20:1 8). But basically things were different from that moment on.

Of Abraham, the Apostle Paul wrote, “And without becoming weak in faith he contemplated his own body, now as good as dead since he was about a hundred years old, and the deadness of Sarah’s womb; yet, with respect to the promise of God, he did not waver in unbelief, but grew strong in faith, giving glory to God, and being fully assured that what He had promised, He was able also to perform” (Rom. 4:19 21).

Of Sarah, the writer to the Hebrews declared, “By faith even Sarah herself received ability to conceive, even beyond the proper time of life, since she considered Him faithful who had promised” (Heb. 11:11). Their faith was rewarded; Sarah had a son and they called his name Isaac, which means “laughter.” And Sarah told us why they gave him that name: “God has made laughter for me; everyone who hears will laugh with me” (Gen. 21:6). Her laugh of doubt had turned to a laugh of triumphant joy, and we can share her joy with her.

There would still be problems for Abraham and Sarah. The life of faith is never free from obstacles. Hagar and Ishmael were still around to poke fun at Isaac. And Sarah got upset about that. When she saw Ishmael mocking her little Isaac she seemed to lose control of herself. She rushed in to Abraham and angrily demanded, “Drive out this maid and her son, for the son of this maid shall not be an heir with my son Isaac” (Gen. 21:10). Could this be the same woman who is extolled in the New Testament for her submissiveness and obedience? Yes, it is. Healthy submission does not prohibit the expression of opinions. That is a sick submissiveness, usually motivated by a low self esteem (“my opinions aren’t worth anything”), by a fear of unpleasant circumstances (“I want peace at any price”), or by the avoidance of responsibility (“let somebody else make the decision; I don’t want to get blamed”).

Sarah at least said what was on her mind. And furthermore, she was right! Getting upset was not right. But Ishmael was not to be heir with Isaac, and God wanted him to leave the household. God told Abraham to listen to Sarah and to do what she said (Gen. 21:12). Imagine that—even though Sarah got emotional, God wanted Abraham to heed her advice. He often wants to use wives to correct their husbands, to advise them, to mature them, to help them solve their problems and give them insight. That’s what helpers are for.

Some husbands make their wives feel like ignoramuses, whose ideas are ridiculous and whose opinions are worthless. The husband who does that is the real ignoramus. He has missed out on God’s best for him. If a wife tells her husband there is a problem in their marriage, God wants him to listen to her—listen to her evaluation of the situation, listen to the changes she thinks should be made, listen when she tries to share her feelings and her needs—then do something constructive about it. One of the prevalent problems in Christian marriages today is that husbands are too proud to admit that there is anything wrong and too stubborn to do anything about it. God may want to enlighten them through their wives.

The bondwoman and her son were finally sent away. Ishmael was now old enough to provide for his mother, and God gave him expertise with the bow (Gen. 21:20). And with that irritant removed, this happy little family threesome enjoyed a time of unhindered faith and fellowship. But the most severe trial to their faith was yet to come. “Now it came about after these things, that God tested Abraham” (Gen. 22:1). It was to be a very unusual test. God said, “Take now your son, your only son, whom you love, Isaac, and go to the land of Moriah; and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I will tell you” (Gen. 22:2). Sarah’s name does not appear in this chapter and we seldom mention her when we discuss it. But she certainly knew what was going on. She probably helped them prepare for the trip. She saw the wood, the fire, and the knife; she saw her son Isaac, and she saw Abraham, a look of agony etched on his weathered brow. But she saw no animal for the sacrifice. Scripture says that Abraham believed that God could even raise Isaac from the dead (Heb. 11:19). Sarah must have believed that too.

She watched them disappear over the horizon, and though her motherly heart was breaking, she uttered not one word of protest. It was probably her greatest display of faith in God and submission to her husband’s will and purpose. “For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands. Thus Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear” (1 Pet. 3:5, 6). A Christian wife need not have any fear of submissiveness when her hope is in God. He will be faithful to His Word and use her obedience to accomplish what is best for her.

Sarah was one of those women whom King Lemuel spoke about, who did her husband good and not evil all the days of her life (Prov. 31:12). A woman can only be that kind of wife when she believes that nothing is too difficult for God, and when she believes that God can use even her husband’s mistakes to bring glory to Himself and blessing to their lives. And a man can only be worthy of such a submissive wife when he has learned to follow God’s directions rather than pursue his own selfish goals, He knows he has no superiority to warrant his position of leadership. It is given to him by God. So he accepts it as a sacred trust and discharges it in full submission to his Lord and unselfish consideration for his wife and what is best for her.

Let’s talk it over
1. For husbands: What are your goals in life? Have you communicated these goals to your wife? For wives: In what ways can you help your husband fulfill God’s purposes for his life?
2. Why should a husband seek his wife’s advice in decisions that affect her?
3. In what kinds of situations does a wife usually find it most difficult to be submissive?
4. How does God expect a wife to react when she feels that her husband is out of the will of God?
5. For wives: Are there any areas of your submissiveness that are motivated by a low self esteem, a fear of unpleasant circumstances, or the avoidance of responsibility? What should be the basis of a healthy submissiveness?
6. How do husbands sometimes use their headship role as a club to get their own way? What can they do to avoid it?
7. Since God places the husband in the headship role, what then are some obligations he has to his wife?
8. For wives: How does God want you to express your opinions and desires to your husband? For husbands: How does God expect you to react when your wife is trying to communicate?

Top Ten Reasons Why God Created Eve:
10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor’s dentist’s or haircut appointment by himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, “It is not good for man to be alone.”

And, finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve….
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, “I can do better than that!”

Honeymoons are delightful times. The word itself virtually drips with the freshness and excitement of young love. The term seems to have been coined to convey the idea that the first moon, or first month, of marriage is the sweetest and most satisfying.

But that’s not exactly the way it ought to be. God would be pleased for our marriages to get better as time passes. Every new month should be sweeter and more satisfying than the one before. Unfortunately, some marriages have turned out just as the word honeymoon implies—the first month was the best, and everything has gone downhill from there. Maybe we can help reverse the trend by looking into the Word of God.

The Scripture does not specifically say so, but I have a feeling the honeymoon lasted much longer than a month for Adam and Eve.

Only God knows how many months or years of pure ecstasy lie between chapters two and three of Genesis. But no human relationship ever surpassed theirs in those early days for sheer joy and rapturous delight. It was, without a doubt, the perfect marriage.

Consider it for a moment. If ever a marriage was made in heaven, this one was. It was perfectly planned and per-fectly performed by a perfect God. First he sculptured Adam (Gen. 2:7). Molded by the Master Maker, Adam doubtless had a flawless physique and ruggedly handsome features. And he was made in God’s own image (Gen. 1:27). That means he had a Godlike personality—perfect intellect, emotions, and will. He possessed a brilliant mind, undimin-ished by sin. He had faultless emotions, including tender and totally unselfish love, the love of God Himself. And he had a will that was in complete harmony with the purposes of his creator. Women, wouldn’t you like to have a man like that? Physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually perfect!

But let me tell you about Eve. “So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh at that place. And the Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man” (Gen. 2:21, 22).

Adam must have gazed at Eve with awe and appreciation. This was God’s creative genius at its best, unblemished grace and beauty, pure loveliness of face and form. Fashioned by the hand of God Himself, Eve had to be the most gorgeous creature who ever walked the face of the earth. And like Adam, she was made in God’s image. Her mind, emotions, and will were unaffected by sin. What man wouldn’t go for a woman like that?

Adam immediately recognized her similarity to himself. He said, “This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man” (Gen. 2:23).

It seems that without any special revelation from God, Adam instinctively knew that Eve was made from him; she was part of him; she was his equal; she was his complement and counterpart. He called her woman, “female man.” He drew her to himself in tender love. She ended his biting loneliness and filled his life with happiness. She was just ex-actly what he needed. And nothing brought her more satisfaction than the assurance that her husband needed her so very much. What intense and indescribable pleasure they found in each other’s company! How they loved one anoth-er!

Their home was located in Eden, the perfect place (Gen. 2:8). The word Eden means “delight,” and delightful it was. Well watered at the fountainhead of four rivers, Eden was a luscious green paradise, blanketed with every beauti-ful and edible growing thing (Gen. 2:9, 10).

They cultivated the ground, but as they had no thistles or weeds to contend with, their work was totally effortless and enjoyable. Side by side they lived and labored in perfect harmony, sharing a sense of mutual interdependence, enjoying a freedom of communion and communication, possessing a deep flowing affection that bound their spirits to each other. They were inseparable.

Oh, there was an order of authority in their relationship. Adam was formed first, then Eve, as the Apostle Paul was careful to mention (1 Tim. 2:13). And Eve was made for Adam, not Adam for Eve, as Paul also pointed out (1 Cor. 11:9).

But she was his helper (Gen. 2:18), and in order to be an effective helper she had to share all of life with him. She was with him when God issued the command to subdue the earth and have dominion over it and, consequently, she shared that awesome responsibility equally with her husband (Gen. 1:28). She did everything a helper would be ex-pected to do. She assisted him, encouraged him, advised him, and inspired him, and she did it with a spirit of sweet submissiveness. Adam never resented her help, not even her advice. After all, that is why God gave her to him. Nei-ther did she resent his leadership. His attitude was never tainted with superiority or exploitation. How could it be? His love was perfect. She was someone special to him and he treated her as such.

He could not give of himself enough to express his gratitude to her, and he never had a thought about what he was receiving in return. She could not possibly resent leadership like that.

The Word of God says, “And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed” (Gen. 2:25). It was a re-lationship of perfect purity and innocence. There was no sin in them. There was no strife between them. They were at peace with God, at peace with themselves, and at peace with each other. This was truly the perfect marriage. This was paradise. How we wish it would have lasted, that we could experience the same degree of marital bliss they enjoyed in those glorious days. But something happened.

The biblical account brings us, secondly, to the entrance of sin. There is no doubt that the subtle tempter who ap-proached Eve in this episode was Satan using the body of a serpent as his instrument (cf. Rev. 12:9).
1. His first approach was to question the Word of God. “Indeed, has God said, ‘You shall not eat from any tree of the garden?’” (Gen. 3:1).
2. After he questioned God’s Word, he flatly denied it: “You surely shall not die!” he dogmatically declared (Gen. 3:4).
3. Finally, he ridiculed God and brazenly distorted His Word: “For God knows that in the day you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil” (Gen. 3:5).
4. They would know evil all right, but they would not be as God. In reality the very opposite would be true. The likeness to God they did enjoy would be scarred and spoiled. Satan’s methods have not changed much through the centuries. We know them well—the doubts, the distortions, the denials. Yet we too fall prey to them. We can identify with Eve in her moment of weakness. We know what it is to yield to temptation.

Satan used the tree of the knowledge of good and evil to do his sinister work. God had placed that tree in the gar-den to be the symbol of Adam and Eve’s submission to Him (Gen. 2:17), but Satan sometimes uses even good things to lure us from God’s will.

“When the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was de-sirable to make one wise, she took from its fruit and ate; and she gave also to her husband with her, and he ate” (Gen. 3:6).

Have you noticed that Eve was tempted in all three major areas listed in 1 John 2:16?
1. The lust of the flesh—“good for food.”
2. The lust of the eyes—“a delight to the eyes.”
3. The pride of life—“to make one wise.”

These are the same major areas Satan uses to get us out of sorts with God and with each other—the desire to grati-fy our physical senses, the desire to have material things, and the desire to impress people with our importance.

Instead of fleeing from temptation as the Scriptures later exhort us to do, Eve flirted with it. She had everything a person could want in life, but she stood there and allowed her mind to meditate on the one thing she did not have until it became an obsession with her and brought her happy honeymoon to an unhappy termination. That same kind of vicious greed has ended many a honeymoon since.

Husbands sometimes squander grocery money on recreational equipment, hobbies, cars, or clothes. Wives some-times drive their husbands to make more money so they can have bigger, better, and more expensive things. And the material possessions of this world drive a wedge between them. When we allow our minds to covet material things, Go calls it idolatry (Col. 3:5). And He pleads with us to run from it: “Wherefore, my beloved, flee from idolatry” (1 Cor. 10:14).

Eve did not flee. “She took from its fruit and ate” (Gen. 3:6). The text is not clear, but the words “gave also to her husband with her” might imply that Adam watched her do it.

We have no idea why he did not try to stop her, or why he did not refuse to follow her in her sin. But we do know that he failed her woefully on this occasion. He neglected to provide the spiritual leadership God wanted him to pro-vide, and instead he let her lead him into sin. What a powerful influence a woman has over her man! She can use it to challenge him to new heights of spiritual accomplishment, or she can use it to drag him to depths of shame. God gave Eve to Adam to be his helper, but her covetous heart destroyed him.

Together they waited for the new delights of divine wisdom Satan had promised them. Instead, a horrid sense of guilt and shame crept over them. Their spirits died at that very moment (Gen. 2:17), and their physical bodies began the slow process of decay that would mar God’s beautiful handiwork and end ultimately in physical death.

The Apostle Paul was speaking of physical death when he said, “Therefore, just as through one man sin entered into the world, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men, because all sinned” (Rom. 5:12).

That’s the way it is with sin. It promises so much and delivers so little. It promises freedom, wisdom, and pleasure, but it delivers bondage, guilt, shame, and death.

Suddenly their nakedness became symbolic of their sin (Gen. 3:7). It exposed them openly to the penetrating eyes of the most holy God. They tried to cover their bodies with fig leaves, but it was not acceptable. God would later re-veal that the only adequate covering for sin would involve the shedding of blood (Gen. 3:21; Lev. 17:11; Heb. 9:22).

That brings us, finally, to the painful aftermath. Sin is accompanied by disastrous consequences whether or not we are willing to accept the blame for it. Adam blamed his part of the tragedy on Eve and God: “The woman whom Thou gavest to be with me, she gave me from the tree, and I ate” (Gen. 3:12). Eve said the devil made her do it (Gen. 3:13).

In much the same way, we may try to blame our marital problems on someone else. “If she would only stop nag-ging I could …” “If he would only be more considerate I could …” But God held them both responsible, just as he holds each of us responsible for our part of the blame. And there is usually some blame on both sides. God wants us to face it squarely, not skirt around it.

The consequences were almost more than Adam and Eve could bear. For Eve, the pain of childbirth would be a re-curring reminder of her sin. In addition to that, she would experience an insatiable yearning for her husband, a pierc-ing desire for his time, his attention, his affection, and his assurance. Her need would be so great, her sinful husband would seldom be willing to meet it.

And finally, the authority Adam possessed over Eve from creation was strengthened by the word rule. “And he shall rule over you” (Gen. 3:16). As a result, conflict entered their home. Sin always brings tension, strife, and con-flict. And never was that more painfully obvious to Adam and Eve than when they stood beside the first grave in hu-man history. Their second son had lost his life in an ugly family squabble. The honeymoon was over!

This would be the saddest story ever told were it not for a glorious ray of hope by which God illuminated the dark-ness. Speaking to Satan he said, “And I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your seed and her seed; He shall bruise you on the head, and you shall bruise him on the heel” (Gen. 3:15). God promised that the seed of the woman, a child born into the human race, would destroy the works of the devil, including the havoc he had made of the home.

This is the first biblical prophecy of the coming Redeemer. And now He has come! He has died for the sins of the world. His perfect blood is a satisfactory covering for the sins of every human being who will trust him. He offers to forgive us freely and restore us to His favor. And He makes available to us His supernatural strength to help us live above our sin.

He can even help us overcome sin’s consequences in our marital relationships. He can give husbands the same tender love and unselfish consideration that Adam had for Eve before they sinned. He can give wives the same en-couraging helpfulness and sweet submissiveness that Eve had toward Adam before the Fall. In other words, the hon-eymoon can begin again.

But we must first be baptized into Christ. There is no hope for a marital relationship to become all it can be until both husband and wife have the assurance of forgiveness and acceptance by God. That assurance can only be experenced when we have acknowledged our sin and placed our trust in Jesus Christ’s perfect sacrifice on Calvary for deliverance from the eternal condemnation which our sin deserves.

Dearly beloved, we’re gathered together in the presence of God and the presence of this company to bring our support and be witnesses as this man and this woman are joined together in holy matrimony.

Do you take this woman as your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, to love and to cherish, till death do us part.

Marriage is the oldest institution in the world, ordained by God in the Garden of Eden.

And throughout the ministry of Christ, when marriage-related issues were brought to Him, He always went back to the ideal from Genesis 2:23-24.

This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called woman, for she was taken out of man. For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”

______and ________, I want you to know that you are standing in the very presence of God today. I want you to remember that loyal love for each other will make for a happy home.

If you always remain faithful to the vows you will make today, your lives will experience the fullness of joy that God wants. No human ties are more tender, no other vows are more sacred than those you will now make to each other.

By the authority vested in me as a minister of the gospel and in accordance with the laws of the state of Florida, I now pronounce you husband and wife. What God has joined together—let not man put asunder. You may now kiss your bride.

Doctor to patient’s wife: “Maam, I don’t like the way your husband looks’.
Woman: “Neither do I, but he is really good to the kids”.

A woman came to the minister and said, “Preacher, you keep talking about God’s plan for one man and one woman to be married.” “Yes,” the preacher said impatiently, “That is God’s plan and there is no need to try to change it.” “I’m not trying to change it,” she replied, “–I’m trying to get in on it!”

Making Your Marriage Great Marriage Report Card
Today, I am intimidated by this title, Making marriage great. I wanted to say that I don’t really claim to have a great marriage, but it is “pretty good”. To claim greatness seems to bet the issue that I am not perfect and neither is my marriage. I am also concerned not to set the standard so high that I frustrate you. No marriage is perfect. If we expect our spouse to be perfect, we are setting ourselves up for difficulty.

I would prefer to ask today, “What kind of grade would you give your marriage?” You may want to assign a grade to the marriage as a whole. It may also be helpful to ask, what kind of grade would you give your spouse? What kind of grade would you give yourself? What kind of grade would your spouse give you?

Even more helpful, we should probably break the marriage down into components:
Fiscal responsibility, parenting, physical attractiveness, spiritual leadership, neatness, helpfulness, romance, etc. I can guarantee you (from personal experience) that when you start to rate the areas, discussion will ensue. The goal is to make this discussion profitable so that you can each improve. Over all A+ Husband Wife

Alternate Titles: I considered some alternatives to the title, “Making Marriage Great.” Many people in the audience might be willing to consider, How I can get my marriage to work. It would be insensitive of me to ignore the fact that many people have struggled and failed in marriage. This lesson will probably induce some guilt, but it is not intended to do so. There is always a dilemma for the preacher. When we hold up high standards, it is frustrating but necessary. When we preach that we should be like Jesus, we are aware that we can never fully achieve that result. But we are aware that God provides grace to forgive us of our short comings. Christianity is about grace and it applies to marriage as well. Divorce is not the unpardonable sin. We need grace to face our mistakes both inside and outside of marriage.

I would like to be able to speak on six easy steps to a great marriage. This would be wonderful. I could tour the country speaking and helping people. But marriage is often complex. To some extend, my lesson today does hit the high spots about things that will improve your marriage, but it is more complex than that.

This is a hard topic because it is impossible to say all that God says about marriage in 30 minutes. This lesson cannot address all the Biblical background to marriage. I have recently been teaching a series about family life in Genesis. The Bible writer reported that Rebecca was lovely in form and features–the stuff of romance novels. In other words, he stopped to mention that she was good looking. But also in these family interactions we see deceit, family favoritism, and some really ugly parts of family interaction. We need to continually study the depth of information God provides in his word about the family.

• Christians are concerned about others.
• Christians practice love.
• Christians want the best for others.
• Christians have a positive sexual ethic.
• Christians can forgive.

How Being a Strong Christian Will Help You Have A Happy Marriage
• Christians make good fathers and mothers.
• Christians provide for their own.
• Christians are kind.
• Christians are unselfish.

Here in one minute or less is another lesson that I almost presented today. I believe that being a strong Christian in every sense of the word will make you a better marriage partner. Think about these characteristics of Christians that are good for your marriage.

Christians are concerned about others. Concern engenders listening and communication. Christians practice love. The Bible tells husbands to love their wives. I will mention more about this later, but Christians have a positive sexual ethic. God created man and woman for the satisfaction and fulfillment of one another in marriage. The Christian appreciates the God given beauty of sex.

If this aspect of marriage is missing, we need to study or seek advice from a competent source. Christians can forgive. If you cannot forgive, your marriage is DOOMED! Christians are instructed to bring up their children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Christians take their responsibility to provide for their own seriously. This does not mean that we will never struggle, but that we will be willing workers for our families. Christians are kind.

If there is ever a place where kindness fails, it is in a troubled marriage. Christians, like Christ, learn to live unselfishly and for others. To sum it up, when we try to live the Biblical ethic, we will be adding those traits that should make for a happy marriage.

Now My Thoughts . . .
After that extended introduction, I will now turn to some of my thoughts on what makes a marriage great.
Make A Commitment
• “Till death do us part.”

First and foremost, to have a happy marriage, Make a commitment. The ceremony says, “Till death do us part.” What God has joined together, let not man put asunder. Story of a father-in-law who is somewhat of a clown and has celebrated his fiftieth wedding anniversary said, “I have been married over fifty years and I have never ONCE thought about divorce. Murder a few, times and suicide, yes, but never divorce!”

• The Case for Marriage
In October 2000, two researchers appeared on Good Morning America to promote their book, The Case For Marriage” Their research showed that married people make more money, and have greater sexual satisfaction than single people. Married people have higher incomes than single people almost to the degree that college graduates exceed high school graduates in income. Greater sexual satisfaction comes from security and opportunity that marriage affords. I have not purchased this book since I just heard of it last week, but I will soon.
• 86% of the people who said that they were unhappy were happy five years later.

The researchers said that in a group of individuals reported dissatisfaction with their marriage. When they remained in the marriage for five years, 86% of them then reported satisfaction with their marriage. In other words, they found ways to solve their problems.

• Commitment lets us work through problems.
Long term commitment to marriage allows us to face and work through the problems in marriage. It is in this context of security that marriage really works. I would add that we should not just be committed to staying in our marriage, but in making the marriage all that it can be.

Make it a Priority
My second suggestion is to Make marriage a Priority. Put is first over your parents.

Put it first over your kids. Put if first over your job. Put it first over getting rich. My marriage and my ministry came first. One of these days, my son Eric (has ½ of his MBA earned) might say to me, why didn’t you save more money. My answer, I was out watching your little league games instead of taking a second job. Your mom was home reading to you instead of making money. Some things are a trade off, but I urge you to make marriage a priority.

I don’t care how long you have been married, continue to work at it. I know a thing or two about writing and sports and finance, But I am also not ashamed to admit that when I see an article in a women’s magazine like, What Women wish Men knew about marriage, I am not too good to read it. I have a collection of books on marriage. It is a good investment. But is not our marriage not worth working at as hard as any thing else in this world?

You must continue to work at marriage through all its stages. When the kids leave home, if you do not love each other, you will be lost. Retirement takes other adjustments. There are some big adjustments when the kids come along.

Work at loving each other. Many people want to make the kids the top priority. That is good, but the greatest thing you can do for your children is to love your spouse. Kids watch mom and dad kiss with different reaction depending on their stage in life. But is tremendously reassuring to them to know that Mom and Dad love each other and that there will be a secure family for them. I repeat, the greatest thing you can do for your children is to love your spouse.
• Continue to work at marriage.
• If you do not love each other, when the kids leave,— you will be lost.
• The greatest thing you can do for your children is to love your spouse.

Make Marriage Fun!
One of the things that makes a marriage great is retaining some of the fun. When we are dating, it is all movies and dinner. When we get married, it turns into bills and repairing the appliances. Some of the middle age crisis is because all the fun has gone out of marriage, It is all work and no play. No wonder people get a girlfriend, because marriage is nothing but work. My wife as my best friend and also my girlfriend! Take your wife out on a date. Do something romantic and unexpected for hubby. The longer we have been married, the more important this is in some ways.

Solomon advises us in Ecclesiastes 9:9 to “enjoy the wife our your youth.” In my theological opinion, while some see an analogy between Christ and the church in the Song of Solomon, I think those two people were very much in love and they thought each other were pretty hot! And God put that in the Bible! Television can talk about sex to our kids every night. We had best be developing healthy biblical attitudes in the family. I hope you delight in sharing a physical relationship with your spouse.

We need to learn to have fun without spending a fortune. We tend to think that it must cost a lot to have some fun. This is not true. Learn to pop some popcorn, watch whatever you can get on TV and have some fun. Better yet, TURN OFF the TV and talk to each other. When have you said, there is nothing good on to watch. Turn off the TV, play Dominoes or better yet, just talk. Learn to go for a walk and just be with each other.

Some middle age crisis are because all the fun has gone out of marriage. It is all work and no play!
Enjoy each other. Ecclesiastes 9:9: “Enjoy life with the wife of your youth.”

Enjoy sex: Song of Solomon. Learn to have fun with little money.

Learn to Communicate, Talk, and Fight!

This heading reads correctly. Communicate. Talk. Fight. Story of many couples: they said, we talked, we fought, we got over it! One man who had Ph.D in speech communication and his wife a Master’s is counseling. You would think that he could talk and she could listen! But it is just not that simple. We both must talk and we both must listen.

I will post a list of rules for fair fighting. That is a whole other subject—But being able to fight fair is extremely important.
• Learn to listen.
• Learn to talk.
• Be friends first!
• Learn to fight fair.

My wife & I never fight . . .
My wife and I never fight, but sometimes you can hear us reasoning things out for several blocks. Learn to fight fair.

Deal with your Demons!
To be happy and successful in marriage, we must deal with our demons. All of us have things that detract from our marriage. Some things can destroy a marriage. We must find out what is doing harm to our marriage and heal it. Financial irresponsibility is terrible on a marriage. I counseled a couple who was having difficulty. She was attractive, but she should have been with all she spent on clothes and cosmetics. Men are just as guilty of mismanagement of money. If you would be happy in marriage, learn to live within your means.

Temper will destroy a marriage. Pornography seems like a harmless pastime. It is easy today to get on the internet and find pornography, but it will destroy you. It gives totally unrealistic expectation, it treats women as objects, it is a very poor substitute for real intimacy. Substance abuse will destroy a marriage. Deal with your demons. This is not an exhaustive, but illustrative list. Face your demons before they destroy you.

Find out what you are doing to harm your marriage and heal it. Financial irresponsibility Temper Pornography Substance Abuse You name it!

Have God at the center of your life
Perhaps the most important tip today about marriage is to have God at the center of your life. From God we learn the marriage skills of kindness, forgiveness, unconditional love and faithfulness.
God is our model for love. Best of all, when we place God at the center of our lives, he will help us through times of difficulty.

From God we learn the marriage skills of:
• Kindness
• Forgiveness
• Unconditional
• Love
• Faithfulness
• God will help us!

The love of Christ and the church is the model for us!
25 “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.”

One of my favorite stories is by O’Henry, The gift of the Magi. As Christmas approaches, the husband want to buy a hair comb for his wife’s beautiful long hair. The wife wants to buy a chair for her husband’s prized pocket watch. Each goes out on Christmas eve and returns with a small box. When the husband returns home, he finds that his wife has sold her hair to the wig maker to get enough money to buy a chain for his pocket watch. But he has pawned his watch to get enough money to buy the hair comb. What a touching story of self sacrifice to please the other.

The love of Christ and the church is the model for us!
28 “In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body.”

Story about only one parachute. I said, if you are on a plane, and the pilot comes through the back, says the plane is going down, jumps out and says that he is going for help, Then you look down and there is only one parachute left, and you immediately strap the chute on your wife, you are ready to get married.

The story of the parachute is the story of the Christ and the church. There is only one chute. One of us had to die and and Christ volunteered! Jesus said, that is how much I love you. One of us has to die and I am willing to do it. That is a model for love that draws us to Christ and sets the standard for marriage.

It is worth the effort to have a better marriage! Let each of us make a commitment today to do all that we can to have a stronger marriage and a more Christ like commitment to our partner. With God’s help—We can!

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Terry and I celebrate our 54th anniversary on July 2. What a fun time it has been, with a few ups-and-downs but always fascinating because we are able to make this ‘journey’ together.

The key to a successful marriage is treating your spouse as the ‘most important person in the world’ every day and putting their needs ahead of your own. But there are more specific things which must take place on a daily basis, remembering that “you earn an anniversary.”

1. Listen
   To be truly heard is the longing  of every human heart, and your wife is no exception. It sounds simple, but  listening can be harder than it seems with so many distractions around us and within us. Set aside some time every day to look into your wife’s eyes and really listen to what she has to say. You may be surprised at what you hear. (James 1:19, Matthew 11:15)
2. Communicate
   Don’t make her guess what you are thinking or feeling. Talk.
3. Sing  Her Praises
   Shamelessly brag about her good qualities and quietly pray about her bad ones. Her reputation is your reputation. (Proverbs 31:28-29)
4. Pray For Her
   Praying on your wife’s behalf  not only enlists the help of the Almighty, but also puts her and her needs at the forefront of your heart and mind, right where they belong. (Philippians 4:6; Matthew 18:19)
5. Value Her Individuality
   Your wife is wonderfully unique. Don’t compare her to your mom, or your ex-wife, or your old girlfriend.  Your mom may make the best chocolate chip cookies in the world, but unfavorable comparisons won’t win you brownie points.
6. Put the Seat Down
   Perpetually raised toilet seats are a pet peeve of wives everywhere. And while you’re at it, tidy up a bit. A little consideration goes a long way. (Philippians 2:4)
7. Throw  Your Dirty Clothes in the Hamper
   It’s likely just a few steps from wherever you are dropping them anyway. Make this a habit, and it will let your wife know your don’t consider her your personal maid.
8. Turn  Off the T.V.
   Lay aside the video games, pocket the iPhone, and shut off the computer, as well. It is staggering how many hours we waste gazing at some sort of screen instead of  interacting with the real people in our lives. Consciously set limits on your tube-time, whatever form it takes. Use the time saved to invest in your marriage: take a walk with your wife or play a board game together instead. (Psalm 90:12)
9. Loosen  the Purse Strings
   We all have to keep an eye on our budget, but an occasional splurge can be well worth it. Seemingly frivolous things like flowers, jewelry, and overpriced restaurants let her know that she is more valuable to you than a number in your bank account.
10. Practice  Servant-Leadership
    All organizations have a  hierarchy. It’s impossible to function without one, but being a leader isn’t the same as being a dictator. The best role model is Jesus Christ, not Joseph Stalin. Jesus washed his disciples feet and then died on their behalf. It’s a challenge to exercise authority while maintaining a spirit of humility, but that is what being a godly leader entails. (Matthew 20:28,Philippians 2:1-8; Mark 9:35)
11. Remember that Intimacy’s a Two-Way Street
    Unfortunately, men are  notoriously selfish in the bedroom, yet are dumbfounded when their wives are less than enthusiastic in this arena. Make this area of your relationship as pleasurable for her as it is for you and it will pay huge dividends. It may mean washing the dishes or helping with the kids, so that she has energy left at the end of the day. It may mean cuddling  and candlelight, so that she can relax and let the worries on her mind drift away. If you aren’t sure where to begin, just ask her, and then listen. (1 Corinthians 7:3)
12. Give Her Time to Herself
    Everyone needs an occasional break to rest and recharge, and this is especially important for a wife who is at home all day with young children. Yet it’s very easy to neglect this legitimate need unless you regularly and intentionally schedule time  for it. (Luke 5:16)
13. Set Aside Couple Time
    Soak in the tub together each evening or go on a date night once a week — whatever gets the two of you alone on a regular basis. (Genesis 2:24-25)
14. Be Careful with Female Friendships
    We all have friends and colleagues of the opposite sex, but tread cautiously. Not all affairs are physical ones. Honoring your marriage vows means remaining faithful in thought and word as well as in deed. (Matthew 5:27-28)
15. Use Good Hygiene.
    It is amazing how meticulous guys can be prior to marriage in their attempts to impress a girl, but once they walk down the aisle, all bets are off. Clean up a little; I promise it won’t kill you.
16. Limit the Gross Stuff
    Few women find burping nearly as hilarious as the typical guy does. Good manners are always a win. (Ephesians 5:4)
17. Be Patient
    In whatever way this applies to you and your situation, apply it. (1 Corinthians 13:4, Proverbs 14:29)
18. Cherish  Her Children (they are your children, too)
    A mother’s bond to her children runs immeasurably deep. When you invest time or energy in them, you are investing in her as well. Kindness to them counts as kindness to her. (Malachi 4:6)
19. Choose Her Over Hobbies and Buddies
    Invariably there will come times in your relationship when you will be forced to choose between your wife and something else that you enjoy. Always choose her.
20. Provide for Her Needs
    This is so much more than just putting food on the table. It is all-encompassing. Whether it is physical needs, emotional needs, spiritual needs, you name it — do your best to provide. Sometimes life’s circumstances hinder us in one area, but we can compensate in another area. Often the effort is as important as the outcome. (Galatians 6:2)
21. Dial Down the Anger
    Your caveman instincts are handy on the battlefield, but horrible for a happy home life. Every outburst or flare-up is a relationship setback. To go forward, the first step is to stop going backwards. Learn to control your temper or it will control you, your marriage, and every other aspect of your life. Just because your wife puts up with it and your co-workers tolerate it, doesn’t make your short fuse an asset. Do whatever it takes to gain victory in this all-important struggle that has haunted man since Cain slew Abel. (Ecclesiastes 7:9,Ephesians 4:31)
22. Cut Out the Condescension
    If you have been blessed with a quick wit, you can either be the life of the party or a pain in the neck depending on the circumstances. Condescension is anger’s younger brother. It isn’t as loud or as dramatic, but it can be equally hurtful and all the more so for its subtlety. Lay off the snide remarks, the sarcasm, and the belittling. Speak to your wife in the same way that you would speak to a respected colleague. She is, after all, your partner in the most valuable investment of your life — your family. (Ephesians 4:29, Colossians 3:19)
23. Actively Seek Your Wife’s Insights
    Value her input and give it a preferential place in your decision-making process. (Proverbs 19:20; 12:15)
24. Learn to Forgive
    Freely forgive your wife’s past, present, and future offenses. Forgiveness is at the heart of the gospel and at the heart of every meaningful relationship. (Ephesians 4:32, Colossians 3:13)
25. Verbally Express Your Love
    There are lots of ways to show your love, but women still like to hear it spoken.
26. Laugh often. Laughter acts as a ‘shock absorber’ to your day when daily stress, etc., occurs.

Obviously no list is comprehensive, and one size certainly doesn’t fit all, but hopefully this one will prompt you to compile a list of your own, tailor-made for your own wife.

Indebted to Dr. Emerson Eggerichs for his insight*

Many of us have heard these words in our life: Do you take this woman/man to be your lawful wedded husband/wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, to love and to cherish, till death do us part.

They are words said before our spouse, our family, our friends, and God.

When home is ruled according to God’s Word, “angels might be asked to stay with us, and they would not find them-selves out of their element.”

Why do many Christian marriages fail? Somebody is out of the will of God.

Ephesians 5:33 (ESV) However, let each one of you {husband} love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

This verse is the often unknown secret to the communication code in our marriage relationship.

• Love is her deepest need and respect is his deepest need.

Love: a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person; a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

1 Corinthians 13:1-13 (NASB)
¹  If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
²  If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.
³  And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.
⁴  Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,
⁵  does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,
⁶  does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;
⁷  bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
⁸  Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away.
⁹  For we know in part and we prophesy in part;
¹³  But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.

It is what you say but just as much what “you do.” It is the husband regularly doing “loving actions” or “acts of kindness.” But don’t misunderstand, husbands, what I am saying. They also need to hear those special words “I love you.” But the words without the action(s) don’t mean as much.

Respect: to hold in esteem or honor; to show regard or consideration for. esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability: I have great respect for your judgment.

It is deference to a right, privilege, privileged position, or someone or something considered to have certain rights or privileges; it is a proper acceptance or courtesy; it is acknowledgment.

• Without love she reacts without respect, and without respect he reacts without love.

Marriage Report Card

No marriage is perfect

Will YOU do anything about it if there’s an area that needs improvement?

Are both of you ‘set free’ to talk about these issues?

How Being a Strong Christian Will Help Us

Christians are concerned about others.

Christians practice love.

Christians want the best for others.

Christians have a positive sexual ethic.

Christians can forgive.

1. Make A Commitment

“Till death do us part.”

86% of the people who said that they were unhappy were happy five years later.

2. Make it a Priority

Continue to work at marriage.

The greatest thing you can do for your children is to love your spouse.

3. Make Marriage Fun!

Some middle age crisis are because all the fun has gone out of marriage.  It’s all work and no play!

Ecclesiastes 9:9: “Enjoy life with the wife of your youth.”

Enjoy sex:  Song of Solomon.

Learn to have fun with only a little money.

4. Learn to Communicate, Talk, and Fight!

Learn to listen. 

Learn to talk.

Be friends first!

Learn to fight fair.

5. Deal with your Demons!

Find out what you’re doing to harm your marriage and heal it.

Dictatorship?   Financial irresponsibility?

Temper?    Pornography?

Substance Abuse?

You name it…get help!

6. Have God at the center

From God we learn the marriage skills of:

Kindness   Forgiveness

Unconditional Love  Faithfulness

God will help us!

 Buy Me A Rose Lyrics
 He works hard to give her all he thinks she wants…A three car garage, her own credit cards. He pulls in late to wake her up with a kiss good night. If he could only read her mind, she’d say:

Buy me a rose, call me from work, Open a door for me, what would it hurt; Show me you love me by the look in your eyes. These are the little things I need the most in my life.

Now the days have grown to years of feeling all alone, And she can’t  help but wonder what she’s doing wrong. Cause lately she’d try anything to turn his head. Would it make a difference if she said:

Buy me a rose, call me from work, Open a door for me, what would it hurt; Show me you love me by the look in your eyes. These are the little things I need the most in my life.

And the more that he lives the less that he tries To show her the love that he holds inside.
And the more that she gives the more that he sees…This is a story of you and me

So I bought you a rose on the way home from work, To open the door to a heart that I hurt. And I hope you notice this look in my eyes Cause I’m gonna make things right For the rest of your life. I’m gonna hold you tonight. Do all those little things …For the rest of your life.

There’s no way to absolutely guarantee that your marriage won’t be blindsided by an affair on your part or your spouse’s, but there are definite steps you can take to greatly reduce the probability of that happening.

It’s important to know what you can do to strengthen your marital connection and keep your marriage vibrant and healthy. A rewarding, satisfying marriage that meets the needs of both partners is your best protection against the destructive intrusion of an affair.

So what can you do to “affair proof” your marriage as much as possible?

Tips for Avoiding the Affair

The following twelve steps will guide you in building a stronger marriage partnership and help you and your spouse to withstand the lusty lure of temptation:

1. Make your relationship with your spouse your top priority in the hierarchy involving family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, and others.
   Make a real commitment of time, energy, and effort to your marriage. You can end up pulled in so many different directions and over-extended that your most valuable and precious relationship can end up at the bottom of the list unless you make it a top priority.
2. Nurture the emotional intimacy in your marriage.
   Make time to talk each day, not just about the events that have happened, but also about your feelings. Share on an emotional level—your fears, your frustrations, your joys, your disappointments, and your challenges. Let your partner know how much you value being able to talk to him or her about anything and to connect on a deep level.
3. Show appreciation on a regular basis.
   Be generous with compliments and thank you’s. Tell your spouse at least once a week how much you appreciate him or her and list the qualities that you love, admire, and respect. Don’t worry that you’ve said these things before—no one gets tired of hearing their good traits praised!
4. Spend time together doing fun things and just “hanging out.”
   Bonding can deepen when you and your spouse have unstructured time to just relax and hang out together. If every minute of your time together is tightly scheduled and rushed, you’ll miss out on opportunities to be spontaneous. Look for fun things to do—a picnic in the park, a hike, trying a new restaurant, going out dancing, or going swimming.
5. Keep your sex life active.
   Sometimes being sick or fatigued gets in the way of sexual desire, as does family stress like caring for an ill or aging parent. Certainly the energy and time required to raise children can leave parents drained and “on empty.” In spite of these challenges, it’s essential to make time for sex. The sobering reality is that most spouses are more vulnerable to flirtations and sexual advances from others when their sex life is unhappy at home.
6. Discuss and resolve issues as they come up.
   Don’t just bury them or neglect trying to resolve them. Learn how to disagree without being disagreeable and causing long-term damage to your relationship. Above all—communicate, communicate, communicate. Keep the communication door wide open at all times.
7. Talk about the problem of infidelity and know that it can strike any marriage.
   Bring the subject out into the open and express your feelings and deepest fears. Brainstorm with your spouse about how you can keep your marriage strong and what the two of you think would be helpful in preventing an affair from happening. Commit to telling your spouse if you feel vulnerable or if things start getting out of control in any situation.
8. Share goals for the present and future that inspire you.
   When you and your spouse share common goals that you’re passionate about, you will feel closer to each other and more connected. It helps you to feel like a real team. The feeling of partnership is important in deepening commitment to each other. Whatever your mutual dream is, the passion you bring to pursuing it can draw you closer together.
9. Make wise decisions about contact with the opposite sex at work and other settings.
   You may encounter special situations and temptations on business trips or at business parties or in your work setting. Talk frankly with your spouse and agree on what you both feel comfortable with. If your spouse is on a business trip and the group goes out dancing, will you be upset if your spouse participates? Plan ahead and head off potential problems.
10. Know the danger signals.
    Many affairs have started with individuals sharing intimate personal information with each other on a regular basis while not confiding in their respective spouses. Intimacy can mushroom quickly when secrecy is involved and a feeling of connection develops. Other danger signals are having increased sexual excitement about seeing someone in particular, being in settings with lots of alcohol and drinking when your spouse isn’t present, and being more vulnerable than usual due to feelings of loneliness, rejection, or anger at your spouse.
11. Celebrate your love, anniversaries, birthdays, and other special occasions. Value your marriage and take advantage of every opportunity to celebrate, such as your wedding anniversary, the date that you met, your spouse’s birthday, and any other special days that the two of you share. This helps to keep the romance alive and also to keep your connection strong. Celebrate your love, your time together, your plans for the future, and the priceless present moment.
12. Support each other’s goals.
    Make a commitment to help your spouse be all that he or she is capable of being. Your marriage is only strengthened when each of you is happy and fulfilled with your life. It’s to your advantage to help your spouse reach goals that are important to him or her, even if they aren’t your particular goals. Be positive and encouraging of your spouse’s desires to live up to his or her potential. —By Nancy Wasson, Ph.D.

We see from 1 Peter 3 that the believing wife can win over her unbelieving husband “without words” by her Christ-like behavior in the home.

We also saw that there are three things she is not ‘given permission’ by God to do: She cannot leave. She should not nag. She must not lead…the husband is still head of that home and, unless he is against God, she must continue following in that relationship.

We have often heard the phrase “happily ever after” when attending a wedding of two special people, deeply in love, and making vows before God, family, and friends. The Disney empire has fed our romantic fantasies for fairy tales so we are captivated by storybook romance.

This is not the Christian view. Our faith sees the wedding day not as a place of arrival but the place where the adventure begins.”¹

The divorce rate in our culture is at an all-time high. Whatever happened to “happily ever after”? Why is it so hard to maintain the hopes and dreams that surround a beautiful wedding with all its promises of love and fidelity, sacrifice and service?

Marriage counselors Les and Leslie Parrott have an idea. In their excellent book Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, they suggest four myths that have torpedoed many marriages because of unrealistic expectations and misconceptions about what marriage should be.

“For too long,” the Parrotts write, “marriage has been saddled with unrealistic expectation and misguided assumptions. Liberated from these four myths, couples can settle into the real world of marriage—with all its joys and sorrows, passion and pain.”²

Many people know that something is wrong but they don’t know what; and you can’t fix or change something if you don’t know what’s wrong in the first place. Many of our marriage problems are due to harmful expectations and beliefs that fly in the face of “real reality.” One divorce lawyer told the Parrotts that the number-one reason people split up is that they “refuse to accept the fact that they are married to a human being.”³ In this article we bust the myth of “happily ever after.”

Myth #1: “We Expect Exactly the Same Things From Marriage”

When people are in love, it’s easy to assume that the other person has the same values and expectations as we do. But every family has its own culture, so to speak, and we tend to expect life will continue the same way once we’re adults as it was while we were growing up. One way these differing expectations play out is in the unspoken rules of each family.

We are usually not aware of our unspoken rules and expectations unless there is much time to ‘get to know each other’ or until the other person violates them.

I recently heard a great word of wisdom: “Expectations are the mother of resentments.” How true is that?! When our spouse doesn’t live up to our unspoken expectations, we can feel frustrated and irritated, and often we don’t even know why we’re upset because we don’t know what’s wrong. It’s helpful to think through “the rules” of one’s family so that unspoken rules and expectations are brought out into the light of examination.

Here are some rules from various families:

• Don’t ask for help unless you’re desperate.
  • Downplay your successes.
  • Be invisible.
  • Get someone else to do the hard or dirty work.
  • Don’t get sick.
  • Never ever get angry.
  • Don’t talk about your body.
  • Don’t go to bed without cleaning the kitchen.
  • Don’t talk about your feelings.
  • Don’t ever upset Daddy.

Can you see how these unspoken rules can cause havoc if a spouse doesn’t know about them?

Another source of mismatched expectations is the unconscious roles that spouses fall into, the way an actor follows a script. We inherit expectations about how wives and husbands act by watching our parents and other adults, and we often play out those roles the same way unless we choose to change it. For example, one new husband surprised his wife at dinner by picking up his empty iced tea glass and tinkling the ice cubes.

His father had always signaled this way to his mother that he was ready for more tea. The bride was not pleased to learn that her husband expected to play the role of pampered king whose every whim was gladly granted!

The myth that “we expect exactly the same things from marriage” is busted by identifying and talking about unspoken expectations and unconscious roles. The more openly couples discuss their differing expectations, the more likely they are to create a vision of marriage that they can agree on. It’s good planning to work through some of those “my family does it this way” scenarios well in advance of the actual marriage ceremony.

Myth #2: “Everything Good in Our Relationship Will Get Better”

Most people, when they fall in love, really believe their love will last forever because it’s so intense and intoxicating. It’s hard not to believe that everything good about the relationship will just continue to get better and better as time goes on. But reality “is that not everything gets better. Many things improve in relationships, but some things become more difficult. Every successful marriage requires necessary losses, and in choosing to marry, you inevitably go through a mourning process.”⁴

For some, marriage means giving up childhood. It means giving up the safety and security of being your parents’ child, and becoming a full-fledged adult. God makes this statement in Genesis 2:24 when He says, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” Marriage means the end of childhood, and that can feel like a loss to be mourned.

Marriage also “means giving up a carefree lifestyle and coming to terms with new limits. It means unexpected inconveniences.”⁵ Marriage means always passing one’s plans and choices through the filter of “us.” Since “the two become one,” many of our even mundane life choices impact someone else. That can feel like a loss to be faced, as well.

The Parrotts write, “By far the most dramatic loss experienced in a new marriage is the idealized image you have of your partner. This was the toughest myth we encountered in our marriage. Each of us had an airbrushed mental picture of who the other was. But eventually, married life asked us to look reality square in the face and reckon with the fact that we did not marry the person we thought we did.”⁶

It is an illusion that the intense romantic thrill of the beginning of a relationship will last forever. “Debunking the myth of eternal romance will do more than just about anything to help . . . build a lifelong happy marriage.”⁷ When we get past the myth of continual bliss with a perfect partner, we can embrace the reality that we married another flawed and fallen human being. This is good news, because God only gives grace for reality, nor for illusion or temporary enchantment. And this is good news because intimacy is only available with a real person, not with an idealized image.

Myth #3: “Everything Bad in My Life Will Disappear”

Remember the story of Cinderella? A poor, mistreated stepchild who is forced to serve her wicked step-family is magically turned into a beautiful princess. She is rescued by her Prince Charming and they live . . . all together now . . . “happily ever after.” And don’t we all long for a Prince Charming or a beautiful princess to make us happy and wipe away every tear from our eyes?

The myth of a “happily ever after” life is a legitimate longing of our hearts. We ache to return to Eden where everything bad in our lives will disappear. God promises that He will eventually make all things right again, but it doesn’t happen in marriage between two fallen human beings living in a fallen world.

Marriage is a glorious institution invented by God, but it “does not erase personal pain or eliminate loneliness. Why? Because people get married primarily to further their own well-being, not to take care of their partners’ needs. The bad traits and feelings you carried around before you were married remain with you as you leave the wedding chapel. A marriage certificate is not a magical glass slipper.”⁸

The Parrotts write, “Getting married cannot instantly cure all our ills, but marriage can become a powerful healing agent over time. If you are patient, marriage can help you overcome even some of the toughest of tribulations.”⁹

Perhaps the biggest reason for this is the amazing power of love. I believe God’s love is the strongest healing agent in the universe. In marriage, He can love us through our spouses; He can be “Jesus with skin on” to each of us.

A healthy marriage can become a place to wrap up unfinished business from childhood and deal with unresolved hurts. It’s a myth that everything bad in our lives will disappear when we say “I do,” but God’s grace is bigger than the myth. We still live in a fallen world with a fallen spouse, but God can bring much grace through mutual love.

Myth #4: “My Spouse Will Make Me Whole”

One of the greatest lines in all of movie history belongs to Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire where he tells his wife, “You complete me.” It is romantic and feels emotionally satisfying—but in reality, it’s just not true.

Couples who swallow the myth that their spouse will make them whole are in danger of going to one of two extremes. One is an unhealthy dependence on the other that the Parrotts term an enmeshed relationship. They unconsciously make their partner completely responsible for their well-being. They are like ticks that constantly attempt to suck life and love and meaning from their spouse. It is a form of idolatry, because they are looking to their partner to provide emotional “living water” that only God can give.

The other extreme is a disengaged relationship of what the Parrotts call “rugged self-reliance.” These spouses are so isolated and independent from each other that they function more like neighbors or business associates than a God-created union of two souls.

The first kind of couple is looking for wholeness from their partner; the second kind of couple is looking for wholeness from within. It is also a form of idolatry, because they are looking to themselves instead of God to provide meaning for life.

Neither enmeshed nor disengaged relationships are healthy, and neither will allow the people in them to experience wholeness. A sense of wholeness is found in an interdependent relationship where two people with self-respect and dignity make a commit-ment to nurture their own spiritual and emotional growth as well as their partner’s.

Enmeshed relationships are like the capital letter A. They lean on each other so much that if one moves, the whole structure falls down. Their security is in another person instead of in God.

Disengaged relationships are like the letter H. Partners stand virtually alone. If one lets go, the other hardly feels a thing. Interdependent relationships are like the letter M. They could stand on their own, but they choose to stay connected to the other out of their fullness, not out of their emptiness. If one lets go, the other feels a loss but can recover.

Every marriage is between two broken and fallen people who cannot make each other whole. We are called to love and respect each other, serve and celebrate each other—but only God can make us whole.

“Happily ever after” may be for fairy tales, but that doesn’t mean there is no such thing as a happy, rich, fulfilling marriage. But it’s only possible for those who live in reality, not in the fantasy of make-believe myths. May God give us grace to trust Him to walk in truth and not illusion.

________________

Notes

1. Les and Leslie Parrott. Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts. (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1995), 26.
   2. Ibid., 16.
   3. Ibid., 23.
   4. Ibid., 21.
   5. Ibid., 22.
   6. Ibid.
   7. Ibid.
   8. Ibid., 24.
   9. Ibid., 25.