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 Order in the Church series – The Church in Transition 1 Timothy 1: 3-11

16 Jun

Where is the church going? Most of us will agree that extraordinary changes are taking place in the church. Traditions which have lasted for decades have been cast aside in favor of changes that are likely to become new traditions. Questions are being raised on many of the issues that had seemed to be settled long ago.

The incredible uniformity of a fellowship that was held together by no ecclesiastical body is disappearing as congregations experiment with new understandings of their mission.

All change is difficult, especially when our religious convictions are involved. The transition that is taking place in the church is likely to be difficult – even painful – because we will be forced to deal with questions that will divide us.

Some greet current changes as harbingers of hope, while others greet them with dismay and alarm. Some changes are appropriate to our own times, while others undermine the very nature of the Christian faith. Our task is to know the difference!

James Thompson wrote, regarding ‘fault lines emerging in congregation after congregation, that “I see little evidence that we even know how to discuss the issues. It is as if we were engaged in a game in which the participants had vastly different understandings of the rules or even a disagreement about the purpose of the game. As long as we have no shared understanding of the nature of the game, we can neither face the challenge of changing times nor work harmoniously in God’s service.”

These epistles are written to prepare the believers to act when the apostle is no longer there to guide them; to equip them to remain faithful when Paul is taken from them. Thus they are a word to churches throughout history which must act and make decisions in the physical absence of the apostles!

1 Timothy 3:14-15 (NIV) Although I hope to come to you soon, I am writing you these instructions so that, 15 if I am delayed, you will know how people ought to conduct themselves in God’s household, which is the church of the living God, the pillar and foundation of the truth.

(1 Tim 1:3)”As I urged you when I went into Macedonia, stay there in Ephesus so that you may command certain men not to teach false doctrines any longer”

The Ephesian church was on Paul’s mind. According to Acts 19, he had founded the church himself and had spent more time in Ephesus than in any other community (Acts 19:10; 20:31). During his last missionary journey, he called the Ephesian elders together for a farewell visit and sermon (Acts 20:17-25), in which he warned them about the false teachers who would threaten the church.

This is the first charge to the young minister—to be a defender of the faith. The young minister must guard against and correct false teachers:

1. False teachers teach a different doctrine (v.3).

2. False teachers give heed to speculations and myths (4:7; 2 Tim. 4:4; Titus 1:4), genealogies (Titus 3:9) and questions rather than godly edification (v.4).

3. False teachers put empty discussion above love (v.5-6).

4. False teachers put ambition and personal ideas above the truth (v.7).

5. False teachers put self-righteousness above God’s gospel (v.8-11).

6. They forbid marriage and the eating of meat (1 Tim. 4:1-5).

The situation is so dangerous that Paul describes the false teaching as a disease that is infecting the church (1 Tim. 6:4). Their talk will “spread like gangrene” (2 Tim. 2:17).

They are proud, arrogant, and abusive (1 Tim. 6:4), disobedient to their parents (Titus 1:16), slanderers, haters of good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit. They are insubordinate and factious (Titus 1:10; 3:10). Clearly, Timothy is confronted by a formidable task.

In the definitive words of John 8:44, Jesus informs us that Satan is a liar. Wherever God sows truth, His arch-enemy endeavors to sow falsehood and error. It is no surprise, then, that one of his most persistent attacks on the church has been through false doctrine.

Our Lord reminded us often of the danger of false teachers. He warned in Matthew 7:15, “Beware of the false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly are ravenous wolves.”

Timothy was to charge the ministers, teachers, and leaders to preach no other doctrine than the doctrine of God’s Word.

  • They were not to add or take away from the doctrine of God’s Word.
  • They were not to formulate new doctrines for the church.
  • They were not to make what they thought were improvements nor to correct what they thought were defects in the Word of God.

His task was to teach “sound doctrine.” In fact, there is an emphasis on “sound teaching” (2 Tim. 4:3; Titus 1:9; 2:1), sound words (1 Tim. 6:3; 2 Tim. 1:13; Titus 2:8), and being “sound in the faith” (Titus 1:13; 2:2).

That familiar phrase, so well known to many of us, is actually a medical metaphor. “Sound” teaching is literally “healthy” or “wholesome” teaching. This phrase reflects the view that the church, in selecting its teachers, chooses between health and disease.

Sound doctrine involves our central convictions about the saving significance and his cross! Whenever the church departs from the saving significance of the cross of Christ, it rejects that sound teaching which produces healthy lives.

Our need to reach out to non-Christians, to maintain interest among church members, and to maintain the interest of our youth places before us special challenges, for we are all shaped by a media culture that has increased our appetite for entertainment and diminished our attention span.

In this situation, the understandable temptation for the church is to find the subjects that will maintain the interest of the people and, in effect, let them set the agenda for the church’s teaching ministry.

In a religious climate driven by consumer demand, “customers” dictate the substance of their instruction and teachers occupy themselves with meeting the demands of the clientele.

Richard Osmer: “a staggering 76% of all church members (all religious groups) now agree that an individual should arrive at his/her own religious beliefs independent of a church or synagogue.”

Paul is not suggesting a mean-spirited attitude. Paul’s goal: producing the life distinguished by love that issues from a pure heart and a good conscience.

“…the aim of our charge is love that issues from a pure heart and a good conscience and sincere faith.” 1 Timothy 1:15.

No teaching is true which does not produce faith and love. The end of God’s commandment—of all that God has ever said to man—is love. But to do this he must be totally committed…

• to having a pure heart before God.

• to having a good (clear) conscience before God.

• to following the faith, that is, the teachings and doctrine of God’s Word.

Paul used the word “conscience(s)” 21 times in his letters, and 6 of these references are in the Ministerial Epistles (1 Tim. 1:5, 19; 3:9; 4:2; 2 Tim. 1:3; Titus 1:15).

The word “conscience” means “to know with.” Conscience is the inner judge that accuses us when we have done wrong and approves when we have done right (Rom. 2:14-15).

Conclusion

From the earliest days Christians have faced the formidable challenge of maintaining an unaltered faith while they changed customs to meet the demands of different cultures.

A healthy church will recognize that changes reflect ideas and are seldom merely matters of style. Whether our assemblies undergo major or minor changes, we do well to ask rigorous questions about what it means to come together in the presence of God.

The major issues of our public assemblies – how we sing, what we sing, how we participate in the Lord’s Supper – involve theological questions about what we have been called to do as a people. These questions are not solved by the preferences of consumer demands.

Healthy churches can have vigorous discussion – even debate – as it meets the challenge of change.

Vigorous debate, if it is conducted without rancor and within the context of a search for truth, may help us clarify the important issues of our time.

Does doctrine really matter? Sound (healthy) teaching matters!

It matters not only for pragmatic reasons, but because it is true.

(2 Tim 1:12)”That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day.”

(2 Tim 1:14)”Guard the good deposit that was entrusted to you–guard it with the help of the Holy Spirit who lives in us.”

 
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Posted by on June 16, 2014 in Church, Sermon

 

The Joy of Fatherhood (Father’s Day 2014)

15 Jun

Happy-Fathers-Day-2013- I may never be as clever as my neighbor down the street

I may never be as wealthy as some other people I’ll meet

I may never have the fame that other men may have

But I’ve just got to be successful as my little girl’s dad!

 

There are certain dreams that I cherish that I’d like to see come true

There are things I’d like to accomplish before my working days are through

But that task my heart is set on is no mere passing fad

But I’ve just got to be successful as my little girl’s dad!

 

It’s the one job I dream of, the task I think of most

For if I fail my little girl I’ve nothing else to boast

For all the wealth and fame I’d gather my fortune would be sad

If I fail to be successful as my little girl’s dad!

 

I may never come to glory. I may never gather gold

And men may count me as a failure when my business life is told

But if my little girl can just grow up godly then I’ll be glad

Then I’ll know I’ve been successful as my little girl’s dad!

Psalms 128: “Blessed are all who fear the LORD, who walk in his ways. {2} You will eat the fruit of your labor; blessings and prosperity will be yours. {3} Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your sons will be like olive shoots around your table. {4} Thus is the man blessed who fears the LORD.

In an issue of the Journal of Youth and Adolescence, family scientist Laura Walker’s study found that parents’ awareness of what’s going on in their child’s life at college is associated with the children not getting involved in risky behaviors.

Specifically, students who said their fathers were in the loop of their lives had a lower likelihood of doing drugs or engaging in risky sexual behaviors. When mothers were in the know with their kids, students were less likely to drink alcohol.

“For parents, the fact that closeness plays a strong role is a message to not be overbearing,” Walker said. “Having a close relationship promotes the child wanting to open up and share what’s going on rather than the parent having to intrusively solicit the information from the child.”

They have choices & responsibility too, of course, and that will have huge effect on what they become. But what we do will set them way back and make it difficult for them or set them way ahead and open up a lot more possibilities. How we do family will also have a huge effect on the spouses. What we do will affect the future significantly.

“Fatherhood”

“So you’ve decided to have a child. You’ve decided to give up quiet evenings with good books and lazy happy-fathers-day-quotesweekends with good music, intimate meals during which you finish whole sentences, sweet private times when you’ve savored the though that just the two of you and your love are all you will ever need.

“You’ve decided to turn your soft into trampolines, and to abandon the joys of leisurely contemplating reproductions of great art for the joys of frantically coping with reproductions of yourselves.

“Why? Poets have said the reason to have children is to give yourself immortality; and I must admit I did ask God to give me a son because I wanted to carry on the family name. Well, God did just that and I now confess that there have been times when I’ve told my son not to reveal who he is. You make up a name, I’ve said…just don’t tell anybody who you are.

“Immortality? Now that I have children, my only hope is that they are out of the house before I die.” (Bill Cosby)

Dad’s Many Hats–First of all, he is to be a leader.

God has placed fathers in the family to take the lead. God’s authority in the home centers in dad.

Nowhere is that more succinctly stated than in the divinely established qualifications for an elder in the church. “He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect. (If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God’s church?)” (1 Tim. 3:4, 5, NIV).

Studies have shown that there is a direct correlation between a weak father figure and a child’s problems in areas such as character, conduct, and achievement. Those who work with teens in trouble invariably discover the lack of an adequate father image in the home.

When dad abdicates his position of authority in the home, mom usually assumes the role she was never intended to have. The unhappy combination of a disinterested father and an overbearing mother can drive children to run away from home, enter early and unwise marriages, or suffer emotional difficulties and personality deficiencies.

“If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Tim. 5:8, NIV).

 “For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children, encouraging, comforting and urging you to live lives worthy of God, who calls you into his kingdom and glory” (1 Thess. 2:11-12, NIV).

As a godly manager, he prayerfully considers the feelings of others and his decisions are for their good rather than his own. He recognizes his wife’s abilities and encourages her to develop them and use them to their fullest extent.

She makes sure that he is aware of what is going on, and that he approves. And to be assured that he is in charge, that he has final responsibility for the smooth operation of the household, and that he will faithfully discharge that responsibility, brings a great sense of security both to her and to the children.

He is to be secondly a lover.

He must love his wife with an unselfish, forgiving love. Somebody has suggested that the very best thing a father can do for his children is to express a Christ-like love toward their mother. Paul exhorted “husbands love your wife as Christ loved the church” (Eph. 5:25).

Genesis 2:24 (NIV) For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

Simply stated, Dad, that means that after the Lord himself, your wife comes first in your life–before you, before your boss, before your friends, before your Christian service, even before your children.

And those very children will be the beneficiaries of your faithful adherence to this principle. Your love for their mother, openly expressed, will give them a sense of satisfaction and security that nothing else in this world can provide.

They may groan and cover their eyes when you take her in your arms and kiss her, muttering something like “Oh, brother, here we go again.” But deep down inside there will be a warm glow of contentment.

Some husbands and wives live only for their children and they never really get to know each other. One day, all too soon, the kids are grown and gone and mom and dad are left staring at each other like total strangers with nothing to say, toying with an uncontrollable urge to meddle in their children’s marriages.

So, Dad, take your wife out for dinner periodically. Bring her something that says “I love you.” Spend time talking about the things that are burdening her. Be sensitive to her needs and live to meet those needs.

Help her with the chores. If she’s had a particularly hard day, cheerfully take over and encourage her to go out for awhile. Don’t knock her or argue with her in the children’s presence. Be demonstrably affectionate toward her in front of the children. How else are they going to learn how to love?

The most frequent answer received, when college students are asked in what way they felt their parents might have failed them, was lack of love between their parents.

One girl wrote, “No affection was ever shown in our family, my father toward my mother or my parents toward us. I know I can’t blame them totally, but I am not a very warm, receptive person.” Some had never seen any open expression of love between their parents and were suffering from emotional malnutrition as a result.

The third major role a father must play is that of disciplinarian.

“And fathers, do not provoke your children to anger; but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4, NASB).

A father who rules by force and fear breeds the same personality and conduct problems as no father image at all.

“Fathers, do not exasperate your children, that they may not lose heart” (Col. 3:21, NASB).

1 Timothy 3:4 (NIV) He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect.

The fourth role God would have every father fill is that of companion.

That doesn’t mean pal. Some fathers have made fools of themselves palling around with their kids and trying to do everything they do, often to the embarrassment of the younger generation. By companion I mean comrade, confidant, and friend.

Malachi 4:6 (NIV)
6 He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers; or else I will come and strike the land with a curse.”

This passage still awaits its final prophetic fulfillment, but illustrates what God’s grace can accomplish even today in restoring a cherished relationship between fathers and their children.

That will require time spent together, with open communication and intimate communion. Boys and girls both need time alone with dad.

An ideal occasion for communication and companionship with younger children is at bedtime.

A boy particularly needs to know his dad. Dad represents the man he will become–the husband he will be to his wife, the father he will be to his children, the provider he will be for his family, the leader he will be in his church, and the witness he will be in the world. He needs an example to follow, a model to identify with, a dad he can be proud of.

Build Me a Son, O Lord

“Build me a son, O Lord, who will be strong enough to know when he is weak, and brave enough to face himself when he is afraid; one who will be proud and unbending in honest defeat, and humble and gentle in victory.

“Build me a son whose wishbone will not be where his backbone should be; a son who will know Thee and that to know himself is the foundation stone of knowledge. Lead him, I pray, not in the path of ease and comfort, but under the stress and spur of difficulties and challenge. Here let him learn to stand up in the storm; here let him learn compassion for those who fail.

“Build me a son whose heart will be clean, whose goal will be high; a son who will master himself before he seeks to master other men; one who will learn to laugh, yet never forget how to weep; one who will reach into the future, yet never forget the past.

“And after all these things are his, add, I pray, enough of a sense of humor, so that he may always be serious, yet never take himself too seriously. Give him humility, so that he may always remember the simplicity of greatness, the open mind of true wisdom, the meekness of true strength. Then I, his father, will dare to whisper, “I have not lived in vain.”

Daughters need to know their dads. A girl learns from her dad what men are like. He represents the husband she will one day give herself to, the father of her children, the authority figure she will submit to. Cultivate a warm and cordial relationship with her. It will help her adjust successfully to the husband God gives her. If you deprive her of your companionship, the resentment she feels will be transferred to other men, even to her husband.

Psalm 121:1-8 (NIV) I lift up my eyes to the hills– where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip– he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord watches over you– the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all harm– he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

 
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Posted by on June 15, 2014 in Family, Sermon

 

Evaluate your worship preparation

15 Jun

placeforyou2Preachers often get “out-the-door comments” after the Sunday morning service. Some are just members trying to be encouraging or cordial, but others seem to have a “code” to them.

For example, when someone says, “That was a nice service,” it may really mean “nothing too offensive, nothing too challenging.” “That was interesting” sometimes means “too many deviations from the norm; it’s going to cause you some grief in the very near future.” Even silence can be code, like a dense, dark, ominous cloud promising unpleasantness to come.

While every leader has a responsibility in our worship, I want you to consider your role in the worship service. I invite you to take this personal survey. You don’t need to share it; just honestly evaluate yourself. It might surprise you.

Personal Worship Evaluation Form

DATE __________ NAME (optional) _________________________________

Rank “1” as low and “5” as high. Imagine this is God speaking to you.

__ You prepared yourself for worship long before you arrived at the building.

__ You arrived on time for your appointment with Me (God).

__ You expressed your adoration of Me (God) with enthusiastic singing.

__ You confessed your sin to Me (God) with complete honesty.

__ You gave joyfully and sacrificially to the work of advancing My (God) kingdom.

__ You heard the announcements as invitations for your growth and My (God) service.

__ You humbled yourself in reverence at the reading of My (God) word.

__ You recognized the unique word that I prepared for you in today’s sermon.

__ You gave thanks for the ways you saw Me (God) at work during the past week.

__ You shared your needs in faith that I will hear and handle them.

__ You responded in the way necessary at My (God) invitation after My (God) lesson.

 

As you worship today, remember who the REAL audience is – God. Family, I encourage you this morning to show Him how much He means to you

 
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Posted by on June 15, 2014 in Article, worship

 

Quiz for Couples — How’s Your Marriage?

15 Jun

This quiz is based on an understanding of many key studies in the field. Following the Quiz you can add up your points and use the scale to see how you are doing. You should take the scores seriously, but realize that there is a lot that the quiz doesn’t take into account about your relationship.

While these questions are based on studies that assess such things as the likelihood of a marriage working out, we would hate for any one person to take this and assume the worst about their future. Rather, we believe that the quiz can motivate high and medium- high scoring couples to take a serious look at where their marriage is heading–and take steps to turn negative patterns around for the better.

Please answer each of the following questions to see how you are doing. We recommend that you answer these questions by yourself and not share scores with your partner.

Use the following 3 point scale to rate how often you and your mate or partner experience the following:

 

1 = Never or almost never  2 = Once in awhile  3 = Frequently 

1 2 3 Little arguments escalate into ugly fights with accusations, criticisms, name calling, or bringing up past hurts.

1 2 3 My partner criticizes or belittles my opinions, feelings, or desires.

1 2 3 My partner seems to view my words or actions more negatively than I mean them to be.

1 2 3 When we have a problem to solve, it is like we are on opposite teams.

1 2 3 I hold back from telling my partner what I really think and feel.

1 2 3 I think seriously about what it would be like to date or marry someone else.

1 2 3 I feel lonely in this relationship.

1 2 3 When we argue, one of us withdraws, that is, doesn’t want to talk about it anymore; or leaves the scene.

Determining Your Score:
Add up your points to determine your score. (Include only your scores, do not add to your partner’s!) The ranges we suggest for the quiz are based on results from a nationwide, random phone survey of 947 people (85% married).

8 to 12 “Green Light”
If your total points is in the 8 – 12 range, your relationship is probably in good or even great shape AT THIS TIME, but we emphasize “AT THIS TIME” because relationships don’t stand still. In the next 12 months, you’ll either have a stronger, happier relationship, or you could head in the other direction. To think about it another way, it’s like you are traveling along and have come to a green light. There is no need to stop, but it is probably a great time to work on making your relationship all it can be.

13 to 17 “Yellow Light”
If you scored in the 13-17 range, it’s like you are coming to a “yellow light.” You need to be cautious. While you may be happy now in your relationship, your score reveals warning signs of patterns you don’t want to let get worse. You’ll want to be taking action to protect and improve what you have. Spending time to strengthen your relationship now could be the best thing you could do for your future together.

18 to 24 “Red Light”
Finally, if you scored in the 18-24 range, it’s like approaching a red light. Stop, and think about where the two of you are headed. Your score indicates the presence of patterns that could put your relationship at significant risk. You may be heading for trouble–or already may be there. But there is GOOD NEWS. You can stop and learn ways to improve your relationship now!

 
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Posted by on June 15, 2014 in Article

 

I Don’t Need a Building, I Need A Friend

14 Jun

Our children sing a song that goes like this: The church is not a building; The church is not a steeple; The church is not a resting place; The church IS the people.

Too often in our society, religion is confused with the worship of buildings and programs. We believe that God cares very little for either of those things. God did not send a shrine or a new program to redeem lost humanity. God sent his son so we may be saved through him and so we may learn of his love for us. God’s agenda has always been people-centered. 

We hope you find us to be a group that cares about people. Our goal is that all people, of all races and backgrounds, of all levels of health or handicap, of all nationalities and age groups feel welcome in our Church family. 

You will hear us talk about our Church family. This is more than talk. God uses images of the family in His Word to speak of the Church. For us, these images are very real. God speaks of Christians as his sons or children, the heirs of his promise– all images are taken from the family. God speaks of himself as our father and the Church as his household. Those who help others believe in Christ and live more like him speak of these new Christians as their spiritual children in the faith. Fellow Christians are known as brothers and sisters in Christ. 

The more we are together and share in each other’s needs, rejoice in each other’s triumphs, minister to each other’s pain, and share in each other’s joys, the more we truly feel like real family. The talk becomes more than empty words and the reality becomes a much more precious gift than anything money could buy. 

Now as a family, we are not perfect, but then few families are. We just know we have a perfect Father. We want you to know him too! We hope will decide to be part of the Sunset Avenue family with us. The following pages tell you a little bit more about who we are, what we believe, and what we do when we get together. 

I JUST WANT TO BE A CHRISTIAN
As the church of Christ meeting in Sunset Avenue; we are a group of people who just want to be Christians. Our desire is not to be another church denomination. There are already too many divisions among those who believe in Jesus. We want to be obedient to God’s word and be Christians like the original Christians we read about in the New Testament. There are several things about which we feel very strongly. These strong feelings will also tell you a little more about us as a Church. 

INDEPENDENT–we are independent of any denominational structure. We are not bound by any denominational creeds, written traditions, or regional/national organization. We want to be undenominational! We are completely independent and autonomous in terms of our doctrine, practice, and church government. We do have a group of men who are our spiritual guides and leaders. These men are called elders, bishops (overseers), or pastors (shepherds). These men are all members of our congregation and have been chosen by us based upon the qualifications listed in 1 Timothy 3 and Titus 1. They guide us as a church body and they are responsible to God for our spiritual lives. 

BIBLE BASED–we believe the Bible is the inspired Word of God which tells us how to live and also how to conduct our life as a Church (2 Timothy 3:16-17). We also believe there is only one way to unify all the many different divisions among those seeking to honor Jesus Christ as Lord: John 3:16) Jesus died on the cross to bring salvation to all kinds of people (1 John 2:2). The Holy Spirit was promised as a gift to all who responded obediently to the call of God (Acts 2:38-39). Christians are to do good deeds for all people, Christians and non-Christians (Galatians 6:10). We try to practice these principles through the various ministries of the church and through our personal lives. 

MISSION MINDED— The purpose of the Church of Jesus has always been to reach the lost of every nation, language, and culture with the message of salvation. We want to do our part in this great task.

HOW DO I BECOME A PART OF THIS CHURCH? We hope this is the question you want to ask. In a city like Madera, where there are so many opportunities and so many needs, we can use all the help we can get to do the Lord’s work. 

If you are already a Christian, all you need to do to be a part of the Sunset Avenue church family is to let us know of your desire to work with this congregation and to serve the Lord in this place. By doing this, you also show your willingness to minister and to worship under the spiritual guidance of our elders. You can do this in one of the following ways: during one of our Church assemblies, come to the front during our invitation song and let us know of your desire to be a member at Sunset Avenue; speak to one of the Elders and let them know personally of your desire; or put on your visitors card that you want to be a member. We would love to have you as a part of our Church family! 

BUT HOW DOES ONE REALLY KNOW IF HE OR SHE IS REALLY A CHRISTIAN?  This is the most important question that anyone could ever ask! Despite all the confusion in the religious world, God’s teaching in the Bible is very clear. The only thing that truly saves a person and allows that person to become a Christian is the saving death of Jesus Christ. The Bible tells us there is nothing, no work or deed, that can bring us salvation. Salvation rests on the love and grace of God (Romans 5:6-8; John 3:16; Ephesians 2:8-9). 

The real question is, “How do I come in contact with the grace of God and receive this salvation?” 

The New Testament tells us over and over again that we come into contact with the grace of God and receive salvation through faith in the saving work of Jesus Christ (Romans 3:21-26). Remember it is the grace of God shown in the life of Christ which saves us. Our role is to accept this gift through saving faith. 

True faith involves several specific actions. It involves confessing aloud that Jesus is Lord and believing in our hearts that God raised him from the dead (Romans 10:9-10). Faith involves repentance, the changing of our heart and life to do the things of God (Acts 2:38; 3:19-20). Faith involves surrendering our lives in baptism to the will of God for the forgiveness of our sins (Galatians 3:26-27; Acts 2:38; 16:29-34; 22:16). Faith also involves living with commitment toward God and with compassion toward those around us (Galatians 5:6; James 2:14-16). While we submit to God’s will in these actions, God is at work bringing us into his kingdom, his Church, forgiving and cleansing us of all our past sins, and placing his Holy Spirit in us (Colossians 1:13-14; Acts 2:38-41; 1 Corinthians 6:9-11; Titus 3:3-7; Romans 8:9-17, 26-27). We become new people (2 Corinthians 5:17), born of God to begin a new spiritual life of service
for him (John 1:10-13; 3:1-5). 

It is important to remember there is not one thing we can do to earn our salvation. These several actions do not cause our salvation to happen, they are simply the ways that God has provided for us to receive the salvation given us in the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. This point is clearly shown in Romans 6 where Paul talks about baptism. Notice that the whole discussion on baptism is framed by the concept of grace (verses 3 & 14)! Notice also that baptism is not some arbitrary act that is done to be saved, but is actually a participation, a sharing, in the saving death of Jesus Christ so that we can share in his new life (verses 3-10). It is sharing in what Christ has done, through our faith, that allows us to receive the grace of God already provided for us in the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. 

We would love to have you be a part of our Sunset Avenue Church Family. If you are a Christian, please let us know you want to be a part of our Church family. If you are not a Christian, then we would encourage you to become one today so you can share in our hope and joy found only in the Lord. If you have further questions about any of these matters, we would be happy to visit with you. Let us know by telling one of us personally, or checking the little box on the visitors card. If you have further questions, please feel free to call us, our staff ministers or any of our elders would be willing to visit with you at your convenience. We are so glad you chose to spend time on our web site. God bless you as you seek to honor him with your life! 

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN CHRISTIANS MEET TOGETHER? When the woman at the well asked Jesus where the proper place to worship God was located, Jesus responded by saying, “You will worship the Father neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem…a time is coming and now has come when the true worshippers will worship the Father in Spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshippers the Father seeks. God is Spirit, and his worshippers must worship him in Spirit and truth”. (John 4:21, 23-24). 

By saying these things, Jesus is sharing with us several very important concepts about worship: first, he tells us that worshipping God is not place centered–the thing that makes worship important is not the place where it happens; second, he tells us that worship is directed to God who shows himself as our Father–we worship from the perspective of a family; third, true worship comes from those who have the Holy Spirit, because God is Spirit, and true worship is worship in Spirit; fourth, true worship involves truth–it must be done how God wants it done and done by people whose lives are in tune with the worship they offer; fifth, God our father, actively seeks those who will worship him in these ways. 

Why is it so important to understand all this? Jesus’ five principles about true worship tell you a great deal about what we do when we assemble together as Christians. 

First, we know that while part of our worship to God occurs when we come together Sundays, Wednesdays, or other special occasions, a large part of our worship occurs at home, on the job, or while we are with friends. Our church building is just a convenient tool that lets us meet together, butit is not a special “holy place.” What we do in our daily lives is every bit as important in worshipping God as is our singing and praying (See Romans 12:1-2 or 1 Corinthians 6:19-20). This does not mean our meeting together at church assemblies is unimportant (see Hebrews 10:25). We just recognize that all of life is part of our worship to him. 

Second, we come together as a family to honor our Father in Heaven. As a family, we have hurts and pains and illnesses that bother us. We speak plainly about them to each other and to our Father. We believe sharing and praying to our Father about these spiritual and physical needs is a very vital part of our worship that pleases God. We have seen God mightily answer our prayers to meet both spiritual and physical needs in our church family. We also share a family “meal” when we come together on Sundays. Each Sunday we gather as one body, as one family, remembering the death of Christ in the Lord’s Supper and proclaiming to all that he
is coming again to take us to our home (1 Corinthians 11:27-34). 

Third, because worship involves the work of the Holy Spirit (Philippians 3:3), we understand that it is a privilege to worship God. As Christians who have received the Holy Spirit, we are reminded of the grace of God that saved us and of his precious presence in us that he gave us when we were saved (Acts 2:38). We know that our prayers are made even more precious to our Father because of the work of the Holy Spirit interceding for us according to the will of God (Romans 8:26-27; Jude 20). Our singing is joyful and full of praise because the Spirit fills us as we speak of our hope and teach one another in our singing (Ephesians 5:18-20). We recognize in the blending of the many voices and the sharing of our different backgrounds the work of the Holy Spirit drawing us into closer fellowship (2 Corinthians 13:13; Philippians 2:1; Ephesians
4:3-6). 

Fourth, God is Ruler and King of our lives and is worthy of our devotion and praise. When we meet together, we worship God to please and honor him. Worship must be offered in ways that truly please Him–in ways he has told us please him! He has given us his grace and has generously blessed us by making us his people, so we joyfully try to please him by being obedient to his will in our worship of him. But right forms and right words do not make God happy when they come from hypocritical hearts and lives that belie the words spoken in church services. So we try to worship God as he has revealed to us in His Word, the Bible.

 

We also try to live lives that are consistent with the words we proclaim. This doesn’t mean we are always right or perfect. We still live in a real world and are imperfect people, but we are trying to have our worship words and our daily lives be consistent with the will of our Holy God. This is why much of what we do when we come together involves encouraging and building up one another so that we can better live to please our God (Hebrews 10:24-25; 1 Corinthians 14:26). 

Fifth, God yearns for and seeks out men and women who long to live for him and worship him. God is a Father longing to draw his children back into that special relationship which brings joy to both Father and child. As the apostle Paul said, God wants us to “seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us. For in him we live and move and have our being” (Acts 17:27-28). As his children, we invite you to join us in honoring God as your Father. 

To sum it all up, we meet together to share in our common life in the Spirit by praising, honoring, and seeking God. Since this is directly tied to the way we live the rest of the week, we also speak to one another and seek to meet each other’s needs, encouraging one another to a more dynamic life lived for God. He has done so much for us and is fully worthy of our worship! 

Please let us know if we can be of help in any way. We want you to have a place you can come and worship the Father, remember the Son and his sacrifice for us, and be filled with his Spirit as you sing, pray, and share in encouragement. We hope you will want to come and join us so we can all honor him as one big family, the church of Christ in Sunset Avenue.

 
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Posted by on June 14, 2014 in Marriage

 

What can you do for a person who is seriously ill, suffering or dying?

14 Jun

by J. Russell Corley

(This article is copied and put out for our members to use in their individual ministry)

During the last years as I have worked with Encouragement Ministries, two questions continue to be asked on a regular basis: Howcan you spend so much time with sick and dying people? What do you say to or do for someone who is seriously ill or suffering? I would like to offer my limited perspective on these rather complicated questions. How can you spend so much time with sick and dying people?
There are weeks when I ask myself that question. Such work is demanding both emotionally and physically. Its effect on an individual can be devastating if that person is not careful about balance. I made a choice a few years ago to do more than work in the hospital context. I try to balance my involvement with sick people with other activities like teaching, counseling and writing. I try to alternate times of intense involvement with times when I step away from hospitals to focus on something else for a while. I still have to be reminded to take care of
myself by my family, my accountability group, and my friends. Still the “how” question looms large and is not solved simply by the suggestion of staying balanced. For me the “how” question is really answered by a “why” question: Why do you work with sick and dying people? Perhaps the following story will express my meaning.

My first experience
When I first began to work as a minister, I received a call from a woman whose young nephew was dying with cancer at The Ohio State University Hospital. She asked me to go by and to visit with him. For a couple of days I wrestled with her request. I did not know what to say or do with someone as sick as she described. I did not like hospitals—the technology, the suffering, the smells, and the staff
intimidated me. I had important things to do: sermons and classes to prepare, meetings to attend, people to talk to, a dissertation to research and write, a family, friends, etc.

After a period of wrestling with my rationalizations, I was finally faced with the fact that Jesus had emphasized the importance of visiting sick people. I could not get around that point with all of my excuses, and I felt it dishonest to encourage people to do what I was hesitant to try. What happened during the following weeks changed my life. Convinced of the importance of trying, I set off for the hospital.

When I walked into this man’s room I realized two things: he was sicker than I had expected and he was younger than I was. He was hurting that morning and seemed reluctant to talk with a stranger. Our visit was brief and ended abruptly when a nurse entered the room to draw blood. I asked if he would like me to come back later. I expected him to say no.  Instead he said yes and urged me to do so very soon.

Sadness and overwhelming peace
Over the next few weeks he became my friend. I mainly listened to him talk. Sometimes he spoke to me as he stood on his head on the bed to relieve pain. Our conversations were unlike any that I had ever had before. They were not surface talks. They were conversations about the fundamental realities of living in the face of the threat of death. After our talks we always read scripture and prayed.

He was the first person I ever saw die. When that awesome event occurred I was standing by his bed holding his hand. That experience overwhelmed me. The feelings that flooded my mind were unlike any I had ever had before. There was sadness but also an overwhelming peace because I knew that my friend was ready for death. At the funeral I spoke about him as he had revealed himself to me. His
wife, family, and friends in that rural Ohio town were amazed at what I said because they did not know this side of him. To them he had always been quiet and introverted. For some reason that I do not understand, he had chosen to give me the gift of friendship, a relationship of love and vulnerability. He had loved me and allowed me to love him.

“I had been the one blessed…”
After all of this was over I realized one aspect of what had happened. I had been the one blessed through the visits. God had loved me through this young cancer patient. He taught me about living each day with appreciation and thanksgiving. I became convinced that only those who truly accept death as a reality of life are given an opportunity to really live. He also taught me something about faith in suffering. He knew what it
was to trust God with everything at risk and to hope in the face of harsh realities.

It hurt when he died. My mind holds memories of that day in the hospital room. That experience taught me that God often uses those who are sick to touch and transform the lives of those who are healthy. Perhaps Jesus urged his disciples to visit the sick not only because they could serve those who were suffering but because those who are suffering have so much to teach us at the most profound level.

That is why I do what I do. I think it was Victor Frankel who said that if a man has a why he will find a how. I think that is true. God’s love and compassion is the why for visiting the sick. I believe that if an individual is doing what God wants him to do, then God will provide the necessary resources that enable the effort. Overwhelming fatigue, feelings of burnout, and lack of motivation often are indicators that I
am trying to do something that appears to be God’s work on the surface but may actually be something else at the core.

There are times when my work almost becomes too much—times when too many of the people I love die, when I feel that there is little I can do or say to really help in the face of suffering and death and when I fail those I am trying to encourage and add disappointment to their already painful lives. After I step back for a while, I return to those who are sick and dying because they are God’s people. They need love and they have so much love to give. They are learning what it is to be faithful, and their lives teach that fundamental lesson. Their faithfulness transforms their rooms into holy places.

What do you say or do when you visit someone who is seriously ill? I do not know. That may seem like an inadequate answer, but it is the truth to a point. There is no little speech to memorize, no magic words or deeds that solve the problem or pain or guarantee healing. What may be spoken in one context to comfort one person may be completely inappropriate in another. The exception to this answer is that a sincere heart may speak the words, “I love you.” Those words, when spoken in truth about a reality in your heart, will bring encouragement.

There are some guidelines that I recommend for people who want to work with the sick. Be sensitive to the situation. Watch and listen. Often there are subtle hints that will indicate what you need to say or do. Sometimes you should primarily be silent. If you do not have the capacity to read such clues, I recommend that you send an encouraging note instead of visiting. For very sick patients, notes may have a more profound impact than a visit. If you feel that you lack sensitivity and do not know what to say in a note, ask someone to read your note before you send it. That will help you to learn to express ideas that help people who are struggling.

Keep your visits brief. The patient may ask you to stay and mean it, if so stay a little longer. Please realize though that some people ask you to stay because they feel obligated to do so. Learn to know the difference, I let patients know that it does not hurt my feelings if they do not feel like a visit today. I ask them to be honest with me. I also check with nurses and family members about the advisability of a visit. If there is a sign on the door that requests no visitors, believe that request includes you. In such cases leave a positive note with a nurse to give to the patient later. Do not make the note sound as if the patient has failed you by not feeling well enough today to see you. Sick people do not need the added burden of built.

Be aware of the patient’s need for privacy and dignity. The patient is living in a confined space, but it is his or her room. Be careful where you sit—use chairs, no the patient’s bed. Avoid inspecting technology, books and papers, personal items, or anything else that is not yours; stay focused on the patient. If there is something that the person has done to make the room a special place, notice and compliment it. Be alert to the fact that the patient’s physical appearance may be an embarrassment. Surgery, chemotherapy, radiation, medications, and other things done to the patient for treatment make the patient uncomfortable physically and psychologically. They also create an appearance that my
startle you. Even the gowns given in a hospital may make a person feel awkward. Do not draw attention to these facts by staring or making insensitive comments. Prepare yourself beforehand about the realities of life in a hospital and learn to accept it without making the patient feel more awkward.

Remember that your purpose is to encourage and help. Avoid initiating conversations that reinforce negative thought patterns or emphasize bad possibilities. Do not tell your stories about people who had this disease and did not do well. If the patients insists on talking about these things, then be a patient listener. Hear what the patient wants to say about the situation. Do you best to be a hopeful-realist: do not deny the reality of the situation, but do not lose your personal confidence that God works in the toughest situations to love people.

Avoid making judgments. People deal with suffering in different ways. It is not my job to be a “sheriff” to them. People who are sick and those who are grieving need a loving presence, not a judgmental individual who is eager to advise. Patients go through different phases, they have good and bad days, their styles of coping may be more effective than you realize, and there are always factors involved that you do not know anything about. Your advice may do great damage and close a door to your future involvement. It may show that you cannot empathize and that you lack compassion. Time and love often change a person when nothing else can.

Be vulnerable. Allow yourself to feel something of what the patient feels emotionally. It may mean that you will cry. It may mean that you will smile as you feel her hope in what you see as in impossible situation. There is a limit to entering the feelings of the patient. Your emotional state may have a lot more to do with your fears, your past hurts, and your own problems. Then your emotions may be overwhelming for the situation and not helpful for the patient.

Be faithful. A number of brief visits or cards or small deeds over time has a greater impact than one long visit. If you say “I will pray for you,” make sure that you mean it. Do not speak trite phrases about God, about the meaning of suffering, or the problem of pain. Be a loving person who is trusting God.

Select an appropriate scripture to read and then pray briefly before you leave. Ask permission before reading and praying. Give the patient a real opportunity to say “No, thank you.” Read a scripture that encourages and focuses on God’s love. In praying, do not demand that God heal, but do not resign yourself to the impossibility of healing. Pray in faith that God may heal, that He will sustain, and that He always loves.

Remember that you may actually be able to do more for a family member or a friend than you can for the patient. These people are important too and need encouragement. Often they have a huge burden in making day-to-day existence possible for the patient. Often there are practical things you can do to make their life easier. Take them to lunch. Offer to help with the patient for an hour while they take a break. Are they from out of town and in need of a place to stay over-night? Do they have laundry or other personal needs? Also realize that nurses and even doctors appreciate a sincere word of encouragement. Often they go unappreciated for the emotional price they pay for their involvement.

Learn to trust God when you visit. Often He will prompt your heart in a direction that He will bless if you will be sensitive and obedient. Do not draw attention to yourself or to what you think God wants you to do.  Simply do it in love and without comment. Let God receive the glory if it really is something He has prompted in your heart. Be willing to take personal responsibility if the consequences of the action are poor. Be humble and learn to discern the difference between God’s prompting and your feelings.

Be willing to learn from others. Perhaps you know someone who does a lot of visiting in a hospital and who is gifted in the ministry. Ask to go with them to observe. Realize that they may say no because they feel that your presence may create a difficulty with a very sick patient. You might ask this person to go with you to visit someone you know. After the visit, ask for honest feedback based on his or her observations.

Be willing to touch a sick person. I believe that touching a hand or giving a gentle hug sometimes communicates much more than anything we say. Often our fear of getting sick makes us afraid to physically contact someone. If there is a serious danger of your getting infected there will be signs up. If you have some concerns, then wash your hands after your visit in a restroom down the hall (my mother points out that this is a good policy after every visit). I would also stress that if you are sick, do not touch the patient, actually do not even visit them if you are not physically well.

Act out of love and accept your limitations. Perhaps the greatest obstacle to overcome in visiting with sick people is the feeling that we ought to be able to do something truly significant that will make a big difference in the life of the person suffering. This feeling may keep us from trying anything because in our eyes everything we can think of to do or say seems too small, and so we do nothing and feel guilty. This same feeling may pressure us into trying to do something “Important” that actually fails to produce the result we had hoped for, and we feel disappointed. You must accept your limits and remember that you are not alone in working with sick people. Others will do things that you cannot. Your contribution by itself may seem small and inadequate, but when it is combined with the efforts of others it may have more of an impact than you would have guessed. If love is behind what you say or do, the words and deeds which seem inadequate to you may be transformed and express the reality of your love for this person. What is more important than that?

Conclusion: Two important points In closing, there are two points that I would like to emphasize.
(1) You learn to visit the sick by visiting the sick. Be willing to learn and do not wait until you think you know everything.

(2) Pray about your visits and trust in God’s capacity to help you. If God wants you to visit someone, then He will bless that visit and provide the resources, the wisdom, and the love needed Realize that God may do for you what He did for me so many years ago and so many times since then.

God may want to use someone else to teach you what it is to appreciate life, what being faithful really means, what it is to love a stranger, or some other life transforming lesson. Make sure that you are open to whatever He wants to teach you and then learn it through putting it into practice.

 
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Posted by on June 14, 2014 in Article

 

Elder Nomination Form

14 Jun

Person being nominated: __________________________________________________________

I have personally discussed these qualifications with the nominee above and he has agreed to be considered as a potential elder of this congregation: ____________________________________

(Your signature) (Unsigned nomination forms will not be considered)

Date: ________________________________

 

MEANING

QUALIFICATIONS: NEGATIVE MARKS

MEANING

YES

NO

Do Not Know
No brawler (Not contentious)

1 Tim. 3:3

Not quarrelsome (Not a wrangler)

      
No lover of money (Not greedy of filthy lucre)

1 Tim. 3:3; Tit. 1:7

Not covetous (Not overly desirous of base gains)

      
No striker

1 Tim. 3:3; Tit. 1:7

Not a rebel

      
Not a novice: man of faith, knowledge, and experience who would avoid extremes

1 Tim. 3:6

Not a new convert

      
Not given to wine

1 Tim. 3:3; Tit. 1:7

Not addicted to wine

      
Not self-willed

Tit. 1:7

Not determined to have his way

      
Not soon angry; doesn’t stir up others

Tit. 1:7

Not irritable; controls anger especially when faced with pressure or criticism

      
 

POSITIVE MARKS

        
Apt to teach

1 Tim. 3:2

Capable and ready to teach

      
Blameless

1 Tim. 3:2; Tit. 1:6

Nothing can be proved against him

      
Gentle: even temper and gentle spirit

1 Tim. 3:3

Patient, meek

      
Given to hospitality: generous spirit and open life

1 Tim. 3:2

Lover of strangers—thoughtful of

      
Good testimony from without

1 Tim. 3:7

Respect from the outsiders

      
Having children that believe

Tit. 1:6

Faithful children

      
Holding to the faithful word

1 Tim. 3:2

Loyal to the word

      
Holy: one who belongs to God

Tit. 1:8

Devout and pious in heart and in life

      
Husband of one wife

1 Tim. 3:2; Tit. 1:6

Not a polygamist

      
Just

Tit. 1:8

Upright, fair, impartial

in his dealings

      
Lover of goodness

Tit. 1:8

Seeker of good things and good men

      
Orderly

1 Tim. 3:2

Good behavior—decent

      
Rule well his own house; respected and obeyed (having his children in subjection)

1 Tim. 3:4; Tit. 1:6

Properly governs his house

      
Self-controlled

Tit. 1:8

Master of self

      
Sober-minded

1 Tim. 3:2

Man of sound mind—prudent

      
Temperate: moderate and sensible

Tit. 1:8

Self-denying; not a drinker

      
Vigilant

1 Tim. 3:2

Watchful

      
Without reproach

1 Tim. 3:7

Good reputation from without

      

All the qualifications except three can be thought of as characteristics of all Christians. The three exceptions are “husband of one wife,” “having children who believe,” and “not a new convert.” These sample Scriptures pertain to all Christians: Phil. 2:15; 2 Pet. 1:6; Rom. 12:3, 11, 13; 1 Pet. 3:15; Rom. 14:21; Jas. 1:19, 20; Heb. 13:5; Tit. 3:2; Eph. 5:22, 23; Tit. 2:7, 8; Phil. 2: 3, 4; Eph. 4:26; 1 Jn. 2:15, 16; Col. 1:22; 1 Pet. 1:6; 1 Tim. 1:3; Tit. 2:2, 5.

 All About Elders

(1 Timothy 3:1-13 NKJV) This is a faithful saying: If a man desires the position of a bishop, he desires a good work. {2} A bishop then must be blameless, the husband of one wife, temperate, sober-minded, of good behavior, hospitable, able to teach; {3} not given to wine, not violent, not greedy for money, but gentle, not quarrelsome, not covetous; {4} one who rules his own house well, having his children in submission with all reverence {5} (for if a man does not know how to rule his own house, how will he take care of the church of God?); {6} not a novice, lest being puffed up with pride he fall into the same condemnation as the devil. {7} Moreover he must have a good testimony among those who are outside, lest he fall into reproach and the snare of the devil. {8} Likewise deacons must be reverent, not double-tongued, not given to much wine, not greedy for money, {9} holding the mystery of the faith with a pure conscience. {10} But let these also first be tested; then let them serve as deacons, being found blameless. {11} Likewise their wives must be reverent, not slanderers, temperate, faithful in all things. {12} Let deacons be the husbands of one wife, ruling their children and their own houses well. {13} For those who have served well as deacons obtain for themselves a good standing and great boldness in the faith which is in Christ Jesus.

(Titus 1:5-9 NKJV) {5} For this reason I left you in Crete, that you should set in order the things that are lacking, and appoint elders in every city as I commanded you; {6} if a man is blameless, the husband of one wife, having faithful children not accused of dissipation or insubordination. {7} For a bishop must be blameless, as a steward of God, not self-willed, not quick-tempered, not given to wine, not violent, not greedy for money, {8} but hospitable, a lover of what is good, sober-minded, just, holy, self-controlled, {9} holding fast the faithful word as he has been taught, that he may be able, by sound doctrine, both to exhort and convict those who contradict.

(1 Peter 5:1-5 NIV) To the elders among you, I appeal as a fellow elder, a witness of Christ’s sufferings and one who also will share in the glory to be revealed: {2} Be shepherds of God’s flock that is under your care, serving as overseers–not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not greedy for money, but eager to serve; {3} not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock. {4} And when the Chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the crown of glory that will never fade away. {5} Young men, in the same way be submissive to those who are older. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”

The Person of the Teachers

What are the responsibilities of the overseer? They are to rule (1 Tim. 5:17), to teach (1 Tim. 5:17), to pray for the sick (James 5:14), to care for the church (1 Peter 5:1–2), to be examples for others to follow (1 Peter 5:1–2), to set church policy (Acts 15:22ff.), and to ordain other leaders (1 Tim. 4:14).

What is an elder?

The New Testament gives a fuller picture of the elder and his work than most people realize.

1. An older man. The Greek word presbyteros gives us the English derivatives “presbyter” and “presbytery” (I Timothy 4:14). He is a man of maturity, looked up to for his experience, wisdom and leadership ability.

2. An overseer. Our English word “bishop” is derived from episkopos, which means overseer (Acts 20:28; Titus 1:5,7).

3. A shepherd of God’s flock. (Acts 20:28; I Peter 5:1-4). “Pastors” in Ephesians 4: 11 is used to translate the poimen, which everywhere else is translate shepherd.

4. A steward manager of God’s business (Titus 1:7). This passage does not say that he is to be blameless in living; but he is to be a man with nothing laid to his charge, because he is God’s manager of the household of God on earth.

5. A teacher. (I Timothy 3:2; 5:17; Ephesians 4:11-16; Titus 1:9-11).

6. A superintendent caretaker, one presiding or taking the lead (I Timothy 3:5; 5:17; I Thessalonians 5:12). In these passages prohistemi is sometimes translated “rule” or “are over you”; but it means to stand before, lead, attend to. Jesus told the apostles they must not exercise authority as rulers do (Matthew 20:25-27). Peter taught the elders they must not be lords over the flock (I Peter 5:1-4).

7. A leader. In Hebrews 13:7,17,24 some versions say “them that have the rule over you”; but it is a form of hegeomai and is better translated “your leaders” in at least forty distinct versions. The four best English versions made before the King James Version all said: “them that have the oversight.” The point is this: there is no Bible passage which clearly makes elders rulers of the church! They have responsibility to lead, teach, oversee, help, serve and show the way; but they have no authority to coerce anyone.

Elders have responsibility for every kind of action and program by which all the members are built up in the faith, matured spiritually, completely filled with Christ, and: used in the service of the Lord. The key word is responsibility: a. Responsibility for instruction of all in divine truth; b. responsibility for protection from being led astray; c. responsibility for correction of ideas and actions which are contrary to Christ’s rule in each of us; d. responsibility for direction of every member in a life that works to contribute to the growth and good of all the rest.

The responsibility of the elders is not to do what the people want, but to serve and lead the people in the will of Christ, even if they are resisted or persecuted for it.

Elders are not merely board members like directors of a corporation, meeting to hear reports and make decisions for others to carry out. They are much more than of officer figures to stand at worship stations for part of the Sunday ceremonies.

Elders are not bosses, but servants of servants in a serving brotherhood of love. They do not make rules for the church. Christ had done that. In their responsible work they do make decision-making, and it cannot be completed in board meetings. Members are indeed taught to obey (peithomai, be persuaded, trust, rely upon) them, and to submit (hupeiko, yield) to them (Hebrews 13: 17); but these are milder verbs than ones used in teaching Christians to serve (douleuo, be a slave) and be subject to and in reverence for Christ. Summary: elders are men of faith, understanding, commitment, exemplary life and character, experience, teaching ability, and loving concern for every member. They are leaders, whether elected or not, and not made such by being appointed an elder.

WHAT SHOULD ELDERS DO?

1. Acts 11: 19-30. Elders may handle money for the church and oversee benevolence. Didn’t Barnabas know about Acts 6:1-6? .

2. Acts 15:2, 4, 5, 22, 23; 16:4. Elders are obligated to help settle doctrinal disputes. Their most constant responsibility is to find out what God has revealed and to teach it.

3. Acts 20:28. Elders shepherd all the members of God’s flock. They are overseers of the church by God’s appointment.

4. Acts. 20:29-32. Elders protect Christ’s church from false teachers, whether members or outsiders. They use God’s Word for this, and with it build up the members. Elders feed, lead, and guard every member of the household of faith.

5. Acts 20:13-35. Elders work to meet the needs of each Christian and “help the weak” even at their own expense and when it involves hard work, after Paul’s example (Cf. 1 Thessalonians 2:3-12; 2 Corinthians 11:28, 29; 12:14-18).

6: Acts 21:17-24. Elders lead in planning strategy and over-coming obstacles. They give advice to all, even to an apostle.

7. Ephesians 4:11-16. Elders use the Word of God to develop all the members to maturity, understanding of Christ, unity of faith, and ability of each one to do his or her part m ~e body of Christ. They promote effective use of each member. What a big job! Memorize this description; repeat it often.

8. 1 Thessalonians 5:12 13. Elders work among the believers, lead, attend to, counsel and admonish all of them.

9. Galatians 6:1-3. Elders surely are among those “who are spiritual” and who restore gently any who fall into sin, responsibility for INSTRUCTION of all in divine truth.

10. 1 Timothy 3:2.4. Elders are expected to teach. At home too.

11. 1 Timothy 3:5. Elders take care of the church.

12. I Timothy 5:17. Elders lead and maintain the church, especially by laboring in the word and teaching.

13. Titus 1:7. They are God’s stewards, managers of God’s affairs, superintendents of His business. They do not do all the work of the church, but they lead, assist and ‘ oversee it all.

14. Titus 1:9-11. Elders persuade Christians to accept sound doctrine; refute and silence false teachers.

15. Titus 3:10. Elders lead in admonishing the makers of division again and again. They lead the church in refusing the influence of such folk, if they do not change.

16. Hebrews 13:17. Elders watch out for the spiritual welfare and security in Christ each Christian. They lead and teach so that persons obedient to Christ rightly submit to their teaching and care. They do not rule as Christ taught the apostles not to rule (Matthew 20:25-28); they teach and uphold the rule of Christ in every part of every heart.,

17. James 5:14-20. They pray for the sick, including counseling and aiding in confession of sin, restoring sinners.

18. I Peter 5:1-4. Elders do not “run the church” or exercise authority, but they shepherds who set an effective example for all and who lead members in a holy and, mature walk with Christ. They have a reward from the Chief Shepherd.

Their task is difficult and not always welcomed; it is to change people’s minds. But who can do that? We cannot, but the Word of God can — not simply as words undigested — but the Word of God realized as controlling conviction and actualized in real lives, full of hope and love. Acts 20:32.

Yes. Elders have to make decisions and form judgments –just as other Christians do. Theirs have more influence, and may lead and assist in the judging we #11 have to do. They certainly do not make all the decisions and judgments and hand em down as binding on others because of authority. What they really are to do is teach d show the will of Christ.

If elders do their work with real submission to Christ and with enduring love for is people, ‘they will have effective influence — enough to look like authority! They will need authority. When men with the Word of God in their hands and love of Christ eir hearts come to minister God’s truth and grace with humble and gracious perence they are more irresistible than they would be if they used authority.

 
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Posted by on June 14, 2014 in Article, Church

 

Turning Conflict to Our Advantage

11 Jun

12 rules to help you conquer life’s daily battles.

Everywhere you turn, the potential for conflict exists:

  • conflict with ourselves (Should I get up and exercise, or sleep in? Should I have this piece of dessert?);
  • conflict with others (I was waiting for that parking place. That flight attendant was rude.);
  • conflict at work (Why is the project over-budget and late? That’s not my job!);
  • conflict at home (Eat your vegetables! Why can’t I go to the party tonight?)

Conflict is neither good nor bad—it just is. And what it is is a word derived from the Latin word “conflictus” (the act of striking together) and is defined as:

a: competitive or opposing action of incompatibles: antagonistic state or action (as of divergent ideas, interests, or persons)Conflict-Resolution
b: mental struggle resulting from incompatible or opposing needs, drives, wishes, or external or internal demands

No matter how you define conflict, the reality is that it’s a part of life. What is important is that you recognize and deal with it appropriately. You can either let conflict or the potential for conflict drag you down or you can use it to lift you to new levels of performance. Understanding what conflict is and why it exists helps shape your response.

Conflict generally results from poor communications, disruptions in routines, unclear goals or expectations, the quest for power, ego massage, differences in value systems, or hidden agendas. It finds its expression in rude, discourteous and sometimes hostile behavior; selfishness; strident and defensive language; lack of respect; and increased stress.

So now that you see what it looks like, what do you do with it when it occurs? Following are some guidelines that will help you deal with conflict.

1. Ground yourself. When lightning strikes, lightning rods take the electrical current and run it harmlessly to the ground. So, too, can you take the jolts and divert them harmlessly away if you have a well-constructed foundation of core values that you adhere to. Having designed a personal mission statement that clearly articulates who you are and where you are going will help provide guidance and direction before the conflict even occurs. The old country song says it best, “If you don’t stand for something, then you’ll fall for anything.”

cropped-jesusislordofthiswebsite.gif2.  Look for warning signs. Be in touch with who you are. Part of handling conflict is to be aware of your own personal strengths and weaknesses, your beliefs and perceptions and how they shape your response. For instance, if you perpetually run behind and you’ve got an important date, leave a little earlier than normal so that if you encounter traffic, you won’t lose your cool and overreact. Build “fluff” into schedules. Likewise, set realistic deadlines for yourself and others.

3.  Stay in control. Recognize that when you’re dealing with people, not everyone will live up to your expectations all of the time. Reframe the stressful situation to keep your composure. Instead of overreacting when someone cuts you off on your morning commute, look for opportunities to be “nice” and let someone cut in front of you. Don’t sink to their level. When you lie down with dogs you get fleas.

4.  Keep a positive outlook. If you expect good things to happen, they will. Conversely, if you expect bad things to happen, you better believe you won’t be disappointed. Your attitude will govern your response.

5.  Maintain a sense of humor. Learn to laugh—harder and more frequently. Remember how hysterically upset some people can get and how comical it is. Don’t let your boorish behavior provide comic relief for someone else. Laugh it off.

6.  Establish ground rules. When conflict happens, set goals for how to resolve it. What would happen if we don’t fix this? What would a successful resolution look like? Look for common ground. Keep focused on a positive, solution-based outcome. Perhaps the only thing you can agree on is to agree to disagree, but do it in an agreeable manner.

7.  Drill down to the roots. Try to find the cause of the disease instead of just treating the symptoms. What is causing the conflict and why are you reacting the way you are? Everyone involved in the conflict needs to agree on a definition of the problem before the problem can be tackled. This could mean describing the problem in terms of each person’s needs. There’s an old saying that a problem well defined is already half solved.

8.  Think win-win. In conflict, one party does not have to win and the other lose. Sometimes disagreement will lead to a more effective solution. Sometimes a good decision is reached when everyone has to give a little. To change is not to lose your own identity. As a matter of fact, by changing you find yourself. And you find others. The only way to find a solution that benefits all sides is to learn more about each other. Beats a power struggle any day.

9.  Eliminate emotions. Separate your feelings from the problem. When your emotions get mixed up in the conflict, the outcome is in doubt. Emotions color your perceptions and your logic and cloud the rational thinking that is essential to arriving at a solution.

10. Brainstorm. There might be a variety of solutions if everyone is focused on a positive outcome and engaged in the process. Challenge yourself and others to be creative about the possibilities available to you.

11. Concentrate on what you can control. What should you take ownership of and fix? What falls under your sphere of influence? What impact will you have on the desired outcome? Learn to focus your attention and activities, where you can make a difference. Don’t get caught up in areas beyond your control. You’ve got to learn to let go of those.

12. Take action. Once you’ve arrived at a win-win solution, accept it and implement it. Don’t second-guess. Make sure each person takes responsibility for agreeing with the decision.

When we accept and understand conflict, we allow ourselves to grow, change, and to be empowered.

The Apathetic and Bored Church Member

John S. Savage wrote a doctoral dissertation on inactive members and the steps they go through to become inactive. I believe it will be advantageous for all of us to be aware of these steps and be ready to assist our brothers and sisters if a need arises.

  1. The first step is an anxiety-provoking event. An incident which produces some type of anxiety or uncomfortable feeling in the active member (1) Conflict with the minister; (2) Conflict with another family member; (3) Conflict with another church member.
  2. The second step is the blinking red light.  The member is hurting inside and wants/needs to talk.
  3. Anger is the third step. When anxiety reaches the stage of acute discomfort, the anxiety is transformed to anger.
  4. Behavoral change. The member either becomes more aggressive or withdrawn. If the problem is not resolved at this point, they move further away from active membership. They drop out of committees. They give up their Sunday or Wednesday classes, if teaching. Usually, at this point, they stop attending except on Sunday morning. They stop attending special meetings and their contributions are either cut down or cut out altogether.
  5. Holding Pattern. This lasts from six to eight weeks. During this time, they are breaking emotional ties with the folks at the church. They are waiting to see if anyone from the church will call on them. If no one comes during the holding period, then they begin to reinvest their time and energy in other organizations and clubs. Camping, or other family outings, especially on weekends, seems to become a favorite pastime of the inactive member.
  6. Out the back door. The active member has now made the journey out of the church and no longer attends or takes interest in the congregation to which he/she once gave much time and effort.
 
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Posted by on June 11, 2014 in Article

 

Practicing Patience…A handful of patience in our life is worth more than a bushel of brains

10 Jun

A train was filled with tired people. Most of them had spent the day traveling through the hot dusty plains and at last evening had come and they all tried to settle down to a sound sleep. However, at one end of the car a man was holding a tiny baby and as night came on the baby became restless and cried more and more. Unable to take it any longer, a big brawny man spoke for the rest of the group. “Why don’t you take that baby to its mother?”

brinson climbingThere was a moment’s pause and then came the reply. “I’m sorry. I’m doin’ my best. The baby’s mother is in her casket in the baggage car ahead.” Again there was an awful silence for a moment.

Then the big man who asked the cruel question was out of his seat and moved toward the man with the motherless child. He apologized for his impatience and unkind remark. He took the tiny baby in his own arms and told the tired father to get some sleep. Then in loving patience he cared for the little child all through the night.

I cannot think of a virtue that is more desperately needed, or harder to produce in our lives, than patience. And we’re not often prone to waiting. It reminds me of the prayer offered by the impatient Christian: Dear God, please grant me patience. And I want it right now.

The story is told of a young Christian who went to an older Christian for help. “Will you please pray for me that I may be more patient?” he asked. So they knelt together and the old man began to pray. “Lord, send this young man tribulation in the morning; send this young man tribulation in the afternoon; send this young man…”

At that point the young Christian blurted out, “No, no, I didn’t ask you to pray for tribulation. I wanted you to pray for patience.” “Ah,” responded the wise old Christian, “it’s through tribulation that we learn patience.”

WHAT IS PATIENCE?

“Patience” (makrothumia) is the quality of putting up with others, even when one is severely tried. The importance of patience is evidenced by its being most often used of the character of God, as in the great text from Joel: “Return to the LORD, your God, for he is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love, and repents of evil” (2:13, RSV).

Ulrike Ruffert had an interesting take on this, as well: “Patience is the ability to put up with people you’d like to put down.”

“Patience is self-restraint which does not hastily retaliate against a wrong.” That’s pretty good. When someone does you a wrong, how do you respond – with patience or anger?

Here’s another: “Patience is the ability to accept delay or disappointment graciously.” How do you deal with delay or disappointment? For some that’s really tough. Yet, patience is the ability to accept it without becoming upset.

Finally, perhaps this speaks to each of us? “Patience is the powerful attribute that enables a man or woman to remain steadfast under strain – and continue pressing on.”

Maybe that is where some of us are. We’re dealing with difficult circumstances. We’re a raising a child, or we’re caring for aging parents, or maybe we’ve had a loved one who is ill and we’ve spent long hours at the hospital or nursing home.

We’re weary, but patience is the quality that says, “This too, will pass. It’s almost over. I can keep on keeping on.”

This is my favorite definition: “Patience is a calm endurance based on the certain knowledge that God is in control.”

In the midst of a storm, a little bird was clinging to the limb of a tree, seemingly calm and unafraid. As the wind tore at the limbs of the tree, the bird continued to look the storm in the face, as if to say, “Shake me off; I still have wings.” [1]

From the spiritual realm, and because of our devotion to petitions through prayer to God, we learn valuable lessons. As a rule, prayer is answered and funds come in, but if we are kept waiting, the spiritual blessing that is the outcome is far more precious than exemption from the trial. [2]

The word translated for patience (makrothumia) expresses a certain attitude both to people and to events. It expresses the attitude to people which never loses patience with them, however unreasonable they may be, and which never loses hope for them, however unlovely and unteachable they may be.

It expresses the attitude to events which never admits defeat, and which never loses its hope and its faith, however dark the situation may be, and however incomprehensible events may be, and however sore the chastening of God may be.

The story is told of an artist who went to visit an old friend. When he arrived, she was weeping. He asked why. She showed him a beautiful handkerchief that had great sentimental value, but which had been ruined by a spot of indelible ink.

The artist asked her to let him have the handkerchief, which he returned to her by mail a few days later. When she opened the package she could hardly believe her eyes. The artist, using the inkblot as a base, had drawn on the handkerchief a design of great beauty. Now it was more beautiful and more valuable than ever.

Well, as desirable as patience may be, as the young Christian found out, it is not easy to develop patience. For instance, I think developing patience is difficult because it goes against human nature. We aren’t born patient, are we?

JesusIsLordofthisWebSiteWhen a baby wakes up in the middle of the night and is hungry, or its diaper is wet, it doesn’t lie there and think, “I know Mom and Dad are tired. So I’ll just wait until a more convenient time to let them know that I need something to eat or my diaper changed.”

No! That baby cries impatiently and continues to cry until it receives the attention it demands. Children aren’t very patient. Have you ever traveled with a child? That can be quite an experience.

How about the little 4-year-old boy who was traveling with his mother and constantly asking the same question over and over again: “When are we going to get there? When are we going to get there?”

Finally, the mother got so irritated that she said, “We still have 90 more miles to go. So don’t ask me again when we’re going to get there.”

The boy was silent for a long time. Then he timidly asked, “Mom, will I still be four when we get there?”

A second reason why developing patience is difficult. It’s because there are weeds of pride, selfishness and anger that can choke out the fruit of patience.

A couple of years ago a survey revealed that we have become an impatient and often times angry nation. You see it at work. You see it in school. You see it on the highways.

A man’s car stalled in heavy traffic just as the light turned green. All his frantic efforts to get the car started failed, and a chorus of honking horns behind him made matters worse. He finally got out of his car and walked back to the first driver behind him and said, “I’m sorry, but I can’t seem to get my car started. If you’ll go up there and give it a try, I’ll stay here and honk your horn for you.”

Thirdly, patience is difficult to develop because it’s contrary to our culture. We don’t live in a relaxed culture. Go to most third world countries today and you’ll find a much different lifestyle. They’re more laid back. They think, “Whatever happens, happens. It’ll be all right.” And they wonder why we’re so uptight.

It’s because we’re on a fast track, and in a rat race. We’re in a world of fast food and quick print and expressways and 10-minute oil changes and instant cameras and microwaves.

One Calvin and Hobbes comic strip pictured his father sitting at a computer saying, “It used to be that if a client wanted something done in a week it was considered a rush job, and he would be lucky to get it. Now, with modems, faxes, and car phones everybody wants everything instantly.” About that time Calvin walks by holding a microwave dinner, reading the instructions. “It takes six minutes to microwave this,” he says. “Who’s got that kind of time?”

I think another reason that patience is difficult to develop is because we have convinced ourselves that impatience is a virtue. So you hear people say, “Well, I may be impatient, but I get things done.”

We like “type A” personalities, hard-charging people who get things done, and somehow impatience is seen as a virtue. Proverbs 14:29 says, “A patient man has great understanding, but a quick-tempered man displays folly.” Proverbs 15:18 says, “A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel.”

A young man was very upset with his mother. They had argued, and at work that day he wrote her an angry letter giving all the things that he felt were wrong with her. It was a very nasty letter. After sealing the envelope, he handed it to a co-worker to mail it for him. Well, the co-worker knew what was in the letter, so he put it in his pocket. “Maybe he’ll have second thoughts about it. I can always mail it tomorrow,” he thought.

The next day, when he went to work, his friend was sitting there all forlorn, saying, “Oh, I wish I had never written that letter. I’d give $100 to have it back.” Well, you know what happened, don’t you? His friend pulled it out of his pocket and said, “Here it is.”

   Patience in marriage works a lot like faith. It demonstrates the certainty that what we hope for–physical, emotional, spiritual oneness–is waiting for us, even though we cannot see it in the here and now. [3]

   Sometimes expectations push us, making us grow in ways we wouldn’t otherwise. You can’t just automatically say no. Maybe God is opening a door. [4]

Thomas a Kempis offers this advice: “First put yourself at peace, and then you may the better make others be at peace. A peaceful and patient man is of more profit to himself and to others, too, than a learned man who has no peace.”

   Christians, of all people, should understand that the MasterCard mentality is not the way to master life. The pattern Jesus established was one of deferring desires–not because the fulfillment of desiring is wrong, but because “my time has not yet come.” Most of us think our time has come five minutes after the desire first pops into our minds. [5]

   People often discuss the importance of delayed gratification; what do you mean when you talk about “displaced gratification”?     In delayed gratification, we put off something so that we can enjoy something even better later on–avoiding a “sex life” before marriage, for instance, so that we can more fully enter into a deeper love of the marital union. In displaced gratification, we put off something so that the gratification can go to somebody else. Within marriage, for example, we put our spouse’s needs ahead of our own.

When William Booth finally left the Salvation Army, he sent a one-word telegram to every member of his army. That one word embodied the guiding principle of Booth’s life: “Others.”

What is the reward of displaced gratification? The man or woman who understands delayed and displaced gratification realizes that “others” are what it’s all about. Instead of demanding our rights and satisfaction, we can work for the rights of others, we can find fulfillment in seeing other people satisfied, and we can serve instead of trying to conquer. Displaced gratification is the oil that keeps our society running smoothly.

Where do you draw inspiration to live this way?   Learning to put the needs of others above your own is the “displaced gratification” my father taught me about. The ultimate understanding of displaced gratification is reflected in the life of Christ, who gave up heaven for earth, who could have been crowned king, and who could have called ten thousand angels to rescue Him from the cross. Instead He accepted brutal, humiliating torture on our behalf. He put serving others ahead of serving His own needs. [6]  

Would you consider yourself to be a patient person? Do you show patience in your life? No doubt many of us struggle with this. No doubt we all could use a little more patience. It’s so often the case, is it not, that we allow ourselves to become guilty of impatience.

You know, it can even be said that in some ways, impatience lies at the heart of almost every sin you can think of. Just look back to the beginning of sin, when Eve was tempted by the serpent in the garden of Eden. The serpent tells her that if she were to eat of the forbidden fruit, she could be like God, knowing good and evil. She saw that the tree was desirable for gaining wisdom. She became impatient for that wisdom, she became impatient with the command of God which said to her that she did not need to have that wisdom, so she ate, and she gave some to her husband, and he ate.

We should simply wait on him. So doing, we shall be directed, supplied, protected, corrected, and rewarded. [7]

[1] Wayne A. Lamb in 100 Meditations on Hope; Christianity Today, Vol. 40, no. 4.

[2] J. Hudson Taylor (1832-1905), English Missionary to China, Founder of the China Inland Mission. “Money II,” Christian History, Issue 19.

[3] Harold B. Smith, Marriage Partnership, Vol. 9, no. 1.

[4] Bonnie Halcomb, Leadership, Vol. 5, no. 3.

[5] Joel Belz in World (May 11, 1987). Christianity Today, Vol. 33, no. 8.

[6] John Ashcroft, former governor of Missouri, was elected to the U.S. Senate in 1994. He is author of Lessons from a Father to His Son; Men of Integrity, Vol. 1, no. 2.

[7] Vance Havner, Christian Reader, Vol. 32, no. 4.

 
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Posted by on June 10, 2014 in Encouragement

 

Solving Marital Conflicts

08 Jun

(These materials come from many sources over the years and I am indebted for the positive approach of each)

No matter how well we are communicating with our marriage partners, there are bound to be some areas of disagreement. I have heard some couples claim that they never had a difference of opinion during all their married life. What a drab and colorless existence they must have had! The couple either possessed very little personal individuality or else were afraid to express their true inner feelings. It is hard to believe that God ever made two people so alike in every way that their opinions coincided in everything!

Disagreements will come. Any of several causes can produce them. The first cause could easily be the rude discovery that our mates do not possess all the glowing qualities we visualized in them before the ceremony! Since we want to see desirable traits acquired and distasteful ones eliminated, we mentally enroll our mates in our school of marital reform! Then we proceed with the monumental task of remaking them into ideal mates.

happy-married-life-122The wife’s favorite teaching method seems to be nagging, assisted by occasional ridicule, and, if necessary, by a periodic outburst of tears.

The husband’s favorite teaching method seems to be the dig, that is, the cutting comment or sarcastic remark. He may also use an occasional angry lecture, interspersed with long periods of withdrawal and silence.

Two sinful self-wills, each of which is torn between love of self and love of mate, are now interacting with each other and testing each other’s right to self-determination, with each seeking supremacy in the relationship. The result is conflict.

At the heart of every conflict is self. Most people blame their conflicts on their circumstances: the unacceptable job, the small house, the fussy children, the poor neighborhood, the lack of money, the interfering in-laws. But the true problem is that the human ego wants unrestrained freedom to do as it pleases, expecting at the same time the unqualified approval of its mate. In other words, it wants to be the sun around which its mate orbits as a devoted planet. If two such stars would vie for centrality in the same solar system, the results would be chaotic—but that is exactly what has happened in many marriages!

Sometimes young people are in a hurry to get married, often to escape an unpleasant situation at home. The real problem is not usually their home or their parents, however. It is their own sinful egos, and they invariably take them along with them when they get married! This ego begins to interact with another selfish ego, and the previous home problems are eclipsed by the new marital ones! First God wants us to learn how to deal with our old sin natures. Then we will be ready to interact happily with a partner in marriage.

When meaningful communications have broken down in a marriage, arguments may erupt over the most trivial things, sometimes becoming so frequent and so heated that the couple begins to feel that they are incompatible. I seriously doubt that there is any such thing as incompatibility in God’s sight—just two wills that need to be conquered by Jesus Christ. When He becomes the center of the marriage, with each partner living for His glory, harmony and happiness will reign supreme.

Suppose the conflicts do exist, however, and the couple is willing to make the spiritual adjustments that need to be made. How, then, do we resolve the dissension in our marriages? We need to realize, first of all, that an argument need not always be a destructive force. It could be the very thing needed to open the channels of communication and expose the festering sores of the soul that have been widening the gap between us.

There may be some changes that need to be made, but neither the nagging nor the cutting comments are making them. They only tighten the tension and drive us farther apart. A good, lively discussion may be the only thing that will get our true feelings into the open. If so, then we need to get to it, to get started with the argument. But we must set some ground rules before we begin. Here are some suggested guidelines for a profitable argument.

First, we must establish as our goal a deeper understanding of each other. If we can accomplish this, we will ultimately thank God for the disagreement. The goal of the argument is not to decide a winner and a loser. Nor is it to bring about changes in our mates. It is to gain fresh insight into how our mates think about the issues that affect us. It might be a good policy for each partner to restate the other’s point of view to his satisfaction. That will guarantee the accomplishment of this goal, at least to some degree.

cropped-jesusislordofthiswebsite.gifSecond, we must ask God to help us control our emotions. We often say things under emotional stress that we do not mean, things that hurt and cut and destroy. These things are not soon forgotten. The fruit of the Spirit is self-control, and we need to let Him manifest His calmness and control even in the face of unjust accusations or serious provocations. This is not to say that emotions should be excluded. We would probably never reveal how we felt in our hearts if emotions were not present. But though it is legitimate for our emotions to be present, they must be guarded closely by the indwelling Holy Spirit. One wife told me that whenever their discussions begin to heat up, her husband says, “Let’s pray about this,” and he begins to pray, out loud. It has a tremendously tranquilizing effect on their marriage!

Third, we must attack the problem itself—not the personalities or the motives. It is easy to become overly critical in any argument, and to make inaccurate character judgments of our opponent or to falsely accuse him of evil motives. When a wife fails to clean the house or a husband postpones some chore, the impatient mate may level an accusation like, “You’re just plain lazy.” That may not be the problem at all, and such an accusation could cause a great deal of unhappiness for a long time to come. “You did that just to get back at me,” is a favorite when your mate hurts you in some way. But who made you a mind reader or gave you the ability to discern motives?

We have a tendency to project our own motives to others; our angry accusations against our mates thus often reveal more about our own hearts than of theirs.

Fourth, we must remember that angry attacks against us are sometimes provoked by exasperating incidents totally unrelated to us. Often when husbands or wives are irritable, their mates just happen to be the most convenient target for their angry outbursts. For instance, the pressure of the house and the children may have been building up in a wife all day long. She is tense and on edge when her husband comes in the door, happy as a lark. He hangs up his coat as a thoughtful husband should, but forgets to close the closet door—and she blows her top! A husband filled with God’s love and understanding realizes that there is something more behind this than a closet door, and he responds tenderly and gently.

Maybe the husband comes home acting like an angry bear. He is short with the children and critical of the dinner. A Spirit-filled wife understands that his actions are probably the result of pressure at work and not of hostility toward his family. If we would listen to our mates calmly and patiently instead of reacting indignantly at the first provocation, the real problem would soon emerge. Then, instead of an irate retort, we could offer sympathetic understanding, thus averting the trauma of an argument.

Finally, we need to learn when and how to bring an argument to a conclusion. Some fights never end; they just go on for years! Others seem to die without coming to a conclusion, thus deepening the underlying resentment. “Let’s just forget about it” usually means, “If we discuss this much longer, I may have to give in!” If we are wrong, we should admit it. If we need time to think about it, we should say so. “I’m beginning to see your point, but I need some time to think it over.” Then do just that—think it over before the Lord.

Now the problems are out in the open. We have communicated with each other and therefore share a little deeper understanding. Now where do we go? How do we solve the conflicts? There are several biblical principles that should help us.

First, we should concentrate our attention on our own faults, thinking first of those areas in which we can improve ourselves. The temptation when conflicts arise is to sulk over the wrongs committed against us, rehearsing all the old offenses and injustices we have suffered through the years. Then we begin building our case for the next confrontation! Forget it! Turn your mind to your part of the blame, however small it may be. Our own self-will and pride are invariably responsible for part of the conflict. It may have been the little demands we made of our mates for our own convenience. It may have been the indifference we showed toward our mates’ needs. It may have been the coolness we expressed because our feelings were hurt. All of this is selfish pride, and all of it helped intensify the conflict. Whenever there is a conflict pride is the cause, and each of us is usually guilty of some of that pride. We need to admit it.

It’s so easy to let our minds drift to our spouses’ part of the blame. We are tempted to think that we acted as we did because of what our mates said or did. We think they are really the guilty ones. But this is a ploy of Satan. He wants us to think about our mate’s blame rather than our own in order to promote dissension. Jesus called this hypocrisy. “Hypocrite! First get rid of the board. Then you can see to help your brother.” Let us ask God to help us acknowledge our own part of the blame. We must be ruthless with ourselves. It is so easy to be severe with others and lenient with ourselves. But this is egotism. True humility is tolerant of others and exacting with self. Once we acknowledge our sin of pride, God bestows both forgiveness and renewed marital harmony.

Now that we have acknowledged our part of the blame and received God’s gracious forgiveness, we can ask Him to give us victory over our sinful self wills, so that we relinquish our craving to have everything our own way. We must ask Him to help us change what needs to be changed in our lives. When we are in the middle of a marital crisis we usually feel that our problems would be solved if only our mates would change their ways. It seldom occurs to us that we need the changing! By God’s grace we can become new mates. We never really change others for the better by carping, criticizing, and complaining. We only deepen the wedge that lies between us. We must give our attention to the one thing that we can change by God’s grace and power—ourselves! God does not expect us to improve our mates; He expects us to provide for their needs. When we improve ourselves, our marriages will also begin to improve.

When our husbands or wives realize that we have stopped badgering them and have instead made significant changes in our own lives, they will begin to respond in kind. It will take terribly cold and callused hearts on their part to keep them from making some worthwhile changes of their own. What a gratifying reward for our unselfish attitude!

Having dealt decisively with our own shortcomings, we are now ready to move on to the next step.

The second biblical principle for solving conflicts is to forgive completely our mates’ faults. It is hard to forgive when our mates have not apologized. But look at it this way. If we have really acknowledged our part of the blame, we will have to admit that the offenses they committed against us may have been, at least in part, a result of the way we treated them. We have no choice but to forgive, even if they have not admitted their wrong. Eventually we are going to have to apologize for our part of the blame if we want a sweet spirit of harmony restored, and we will not be able to apologize in the proper way if we continue to harbor hard feelings. The only way to rid ourselves of those hard feelings is to forgive our mates fully for every offense that they have committed against us. There is no indication that the person who was wronging Peter ever apologized for it, yet Christ told him to forgive as many as 490 times. He was teaching that there is actually no end to forgiveness.

“But the hurt is too deep. I can’t forgive.” That is an interesting comment. Listen to Christ again: “Your heavenly Father will forgive you if you forgive those who sin against you; but if you refuse to forgive them, he will not forgive you.” At first sight this would seem to teach that our own forgiveness is based on our forgiveness of others, instead of on God’s grace in Christ. However, this would contradict Christ’s other teachings. I believe He is saying, instead, that if we refuse to forgive the person who has wronged us, God knows that the confession of our own sins to Him has been less than genuine, and that we have not really received the forgiveness which He has made available to us. When a person has admitted the vileness of his own sin and has experienced the blessing of God’s forgiveness, he cannot help but respond with forgiveness toward others. If we refuse, we admit that we have really not known what it means to be forgiven by God. No honest person can receive God’s forgiveness himself but refuse to forgive another.

It is impossible to overestimate the importance of forgiveness. When we grant forgiveness, resentment and bitterness disappear and our harsh and intolerant attitudes are replaced with genuine love and concern for our mates.

Now we are ready for the final step. We have admitted to ourselves our own guilt and have forgiven our mates for their share of the blame. Now we must openly and frankly apologize to them for our part of the blame. It is a mistake to try to apologize before we have acknowledged our own guilt and forgiven our mates for theirs. Our apology will be far less than what God wants it to be. It will come out all wrong, and may even do more harm than good. “I was wrong, but you were too.” “I’m sorry I did that, but it wasn’t all my fault.” “I’m sorry I said that, but what could I think after what you did?” “I’m sorry if I did anything to offend you.” None of these statements really admits to anything. They are not true apologies and really won’t fool anybody—least of all our mates!

Only after our hearts have been set right before the Lord can we offer a genuine apology. “Honey, I’m sorry I …” (and we list the specific things we did or said to offend, or the exact attitude that has contributed to the conflict)—period! No “ifs,” “ands,” or “buts.” The words “Honey, I’m sorry” spoken from a broken and contrite heart are the sweetest sound on earth, and they will minister healing to our marriages. Though he was referring primarily to physical healing, the same truth can be applied to the mending of marital relationships. Open and sincere admission of guilt is a powerful healing force.

Why is it so hard for some people to apologize? Possibly they tried apologizing once or twice but were rejected. Now they are afraid to try again. But the reason for their rejection may have been their own improper attitude when they offered the apology. Some men think that admitting guilt is a sign of weakness. Actually, however, it is a sign of spiritual and emotional strength—a mark of a healthy, well-balanced personality. Some people are afraid that they will lose face with the ones they love if they admit their faults. But the very opposite is true; by being honest about themselves, they will actually gain more respect than they ever had before. Some insist that it would be hypocritical to apologize, since they will probably do the same thing again. But God says that we are to confess our faults to each other. Refusal is disobedience to Him. We must deal with the issue at hand as He directs, trusting Him to help us in future situations.

Jesus taught that we must be reconciled with others before we can truly worship God. “If you are standing before the altar in the Temple, offering a sacrifice to God, and suddenly remember that a friend has something against you, leave your sacrifice there beside the altar and go and apologize and be reconciled to him, and then come and offer your sacrifice to God.” If someone has something against us, it is probably because we have offended him. It is our responsibility to go to him, admit our fault, and be reconciled to him. Our worship will be less than it should be until we do. “But isn’t he supposed to forgive me even if I refuse to apologize?” Yes, he is. But each person must nevertheless answer to God for himself. We must do what God wants us to do, leaving the failures of others in the hands of God.

The question “Who started it?” or “Who ought to make the first move?” is irrelevant. It makes no difference who started it. We ought to take the initiative in confession regardless of the situation. Even if we have been deeply hurt, to admit our part of the blame in unselfish and forgiving love will make it easier for our mates to admit theirs. No matter how minor our fault is, we ought to focus our attention on that and frankly apologize for it. God will then use our selfless spirit to resolve our marital conflicts.

 
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Posted by on June 8, 2014 in Sermon

 
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